What was I thinking, and what do I do now?
Where do I start, my fiancé and I met several years ago we were both newly separated divorced and still working through that process, Over five years, we became very very close through long phone calls and I agreed to move in with him and help him gain full custody of his five children, (5,6,8,10,12) which was granted to us leaving bio mom with zero rights or visitation because of drugs and noncompliance with court orders and general inability to be an adult. During this process I felt very happy and righteous and purposeful in helping to build a strong loving and healthy home for these five kids with the man that I love with all my heart. It has now been two years and I have had a real taste of what it's like to be a mother of five children full-time and all of those fuzzy warm feelings have faded. The children were raised pretty wild and it has taken me these last two years to keep their shoes on them and teach them just sit up at the table and eat like humans. I have gutted the house and remodeled much of it to my liking and I'm trying to teach the children to clean up after themselves and take on responsibilities children should have. Also, trying to instill some values such as honesty and integrity, they all lie, steal and sneak. It has been a struggle! Meanwhile, my sweetheart, who cares for me emotionally, physically and is my best friend does not seem to think his children need much direction although he does insist they mind me and enforces my rules and expectations, he is rather complacent himself and although he has come along way in picking up after himself I find myself scolding him for being messy, as if I have six kids. The children are extremely loud and rambunctious, they run, they hit each other, they scream bloody murder, constantly fighting with each other, breaking things or just playing at a volume that sounds like a marching band of monkeys. I need to add at this point that I have two children ages 15 and 22. My children are very calm and take after me in many ways. They live with their dad by choice and do visit me every other weekend usually spending the night they do this because they love me but they do not like it and have told me so. They find the children intolerable and they refuse to join me on any trips or activities where the children are going to be a part of. This makes me very sad that My own children are not comfortable in my home because of the chaos. I'm not comfortable in my home because of the chaos! I spend most of my time in my room or out in the garden. Every evening I make a healthy meal we eat at the table and I try to establish table etiquette and appropriate conversation. I take care of the cleaning and laundry. I inquire about homework and hygiene and generally try to make the household run smoothly but, I do not do it happily and I'm often very bitchy. The children love me and tell me they love me all the time I respond in kind but I do not truly feel loving or happy. I feel resentful and trapped. I love my man very much but I think he chose the wrong kind of woman to be step mother to his children. My expectations are much too high and my desire for peace and quiet and order is making me seriously physically ill. I've had stomach issues lately that are related to nerves. I love this man so much and can't imagine leaving him with these five kids on his own after I made a promise and efforts to build our family and our home. Does anyone understand? Shall I lower my expectations and live in chaos is that what God wants me to do? Is the problem lie with me being a freak OCD bitch? These children do not need another woman to abandon them, they love me and need me but, I'm going INSANE WITH RESENTMENT AND ANXIETY.
These kids are not your
These kids are not your responsibility and the fact that this is making you physically ill is a huge sign.
Frankly, I think you have been, and are being, used. You are doing all of the parenting, of HIS kids, which is what he wanted.
I think he chose the wrong kind of woman to be step mother to his children
That's the problem, he was choosing a step mother for his children, not a partner for himself.
He wanted a woman for
He wanted a woman for himself, but he was thinking of his kids, yes...because he is a good dad. Our relationship is solid and very close...it's the kids that make me feel stress.
You are choosing his kids
You are choosing his kids over your own. Think about that.
I have thought about
I have thought about that...however, my son is a grown man and my daughter will be 15 next month...she is extremely independent and on her way out into the world...I am thinking also about my own life for the next 20 years. They do not feel that I'm choosing his kids, they only want me to be happy. They just don't dig being around 5 high strung kids. When I consulted them before I decided to join this family, they were ecstatic and excited, but...like me, they now see it is not like we all imagined.
What do you think is going to
What do you think is going to happen when your kids start having children of their own?
Do you really think they are going to want the chaos you just described around them?
Are you prepared to lose out on birthdays, Christmas...with your grandbabies because you made the choice ti embrace a life of chaos?
My partner has three
My partner has three daughters abandoned by their loser druggy mother and they were also raised wild by him. I came into their lives at 6, 8 and 10 and like you I redid the house, gave them rules, set up family traditions and made things run like they should.
They are now 10,12 and 14 and I have moved out. The cleaning thing or the etiquette thing will never magically click for them especially if (like with me) your partner is a messy slob who is inconsistent with expectations and lazy with parenting.
We ended up arguing more and more because my anxiety was getting worse and worse to the point I was constantly b*tching and had headaches and sleep issues. He got sick of my nagging so started telling me off in front of the kids about it saying I was OCD or that it wasnt important for them to do this or that and I was just being a control freak etc.
Since they are inherently lazy / wild etc they saw this as the perfect escape route from the chores and etiquette they didnt want to do and they stopped seeing me as his equal.
I began to feel totally alone and ganged up on. Had the choice to spend my life clearing up after pigs (seriously, after years of living with someone who you say is OCD clean why on earth would you start dropping lumps of jam on the floor and leaving it there etc? Oh, because your dad says its not a big deal so you dont have to listen to grown ups) or to live in a disgusting home where I was embarrassed to open the front door if anyone knocked.
This will not get better it will likely get worse like in my case when they get older and stop being the cute neeedy lovely little kids running around and turn into the awkward mopey annoying stinking rude teenagers you will then be stuck with.
As far as how you feel about leaving him with them in that house and leaving...I felt the same. I did leave and I now refuse to even visit the house as its so disgusting. So now I hardly see him and so this will ultimatley be the end.
But don't be surprised when he finds someone to take your place. People like that are lazy users and will gladly consume the next persons life so that they can continue to be lazy.
That has to be one of the
That has to be one of the worst feelings in the world, "I began to feel totally alone and ganged up on," and one that too many SPs know all too well. It feels like you are being mugged and your spouse, rather than trying to help or call or run for help, just sits there and watches and does nothing, or gives the muggers a hand by ripping your purse from your hand and handing it over. And, then, after the fact when you try to call 'em out on it, everyone acts like it is all your fault and excuses for clearly inappropriate behavior are made up the wazoo. Nothing, nothing worse.
Thank you, I read your
Thank you, I read your comment carefully and I did take it to heart...I am worried what kind of shitheads they will be as teens and how many years I have signed up for....but the difference is the man. Mine is completely supportive of me and my complaint about him is simply that he has more patience and is not nearly as demanding as I am about the house being clean, and he can seriously sit there oblivious to the noise...I envy him seriously....lol. Thank you for relating to me about the anxiety stuff...I wish I was different, but I'm not. I just don't know if I can take 13 more years of this, no matter how much I love this man.
Your partner has left you to
Your partner has left you to do all the heavy lifting In this relationship. He doesn't want to be the bad guy to his kids so he doesn't make them do anything. You try to teach etiquette and manners and he is undermining you each time he ignores your requests as well.
I understand how you feel about the noise level. I have one BS. He was talkative but not loud an obnoxious. I marred a man with THREE boys who are constantly picking, fighting, teasing, punching, screaming, yelling, crying, bitching, moaning, begging, etc. I honestly thought I would lose my mind from the pure noise level alone. I couldn't bare to be around them all at the same time. It has been 5 years. My BS and the OSS are out of the house. And to be honest, I still cannot stand to have them all at the house at the same time. My SS's have not changed nor improved with age. The fighting and teasing just gets more aggressive.
You need to stop doing it all for your Skids. Force your DH to step up. I had to do that with my DH.
Stop cooking every meal. You take yourself out of the house shopping or doing something for you at least 1-2 x a week. Teach the older Skids to do laundry. Make them responsible for it. And let DH know that if he wants to eat...he better start going to the grocery store. You need to take your life back.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies...You all mentioned that my fiance is not helping, undermining, or using me....this is not the case! He does parent, and parent very well... He cleans, cooks and attends all their functions, takes them to dr's, and in EVERY case backs me up when I manage the children..the problem is NOT him. He listens carefully when I complain I am overwhelmed and tells me to take a break..go have time for myself, or go take a bath and he will tend them for the night. He tells me DAILY how much he appreciates me. You may think I'm exaggerating, but this man is wonderful and very receptive to my needs. The problem is me and my low level of patience, and my sometimes unreasonable expectations of how these children should behave. This is why I feel so shitty about my realization that this stepmom role is harder than I ever dreamed and I feel trapped and sad, because he and the kids are trying to please me, but they are kids and he can't change that! They make messes, they make noise, they make bad choices, they bug the hell out of me and I like a quiet, calm and clean home! I completely deluded myself into thinking this would be great and it's not. My personality is not suited to this kind of chaos....My question was...Do I stay the course and make sure I take care of myself when I can, and try to find ways to relinquish my need for order or do I walk away from the only man I've known who truly cares for me because his kids are "too much". Sounds like I'm ranting and making little sense...I apologize and again, I thank you for talking to me about this...My dear friends told me I was crazy from the start, and I'm too proud to tell them they were right and I DO love this man...It's just so damn hard to accept this is my life now.
I had three kids and they
I had three kids and they drove me bonkers.
Five is a whole lotta kids. Very few parents of more than one kid have clean houses, let alone five-kid households. The fighting, the noise, comes with the territory. It can be overwhelming and annoying, even moreso if they aren't your bios.
I guess you have to decide if you can tolerate them until they launch. Getting away sometimes would probably help. I only have one SD and I spend a lot of time in my room watching netflix, or I leave the house for various reasons. Just make sure your room is a kid-free zone, and install a lock if necessary. Send them outside whenever possible. Or get them a 4-person videogame and let them play it. Put a TV in the basement and tell them to get lost.
You want what any parent of
You want what any parent of quality and character wants. Dont beat yourself up over your very rational and reasonable standards. Time to jerk a knot is some SO and Skid tail and let SO know that he steps up or he and his spawn step out. You should have an equity life partner and not a 8th child to raise after nearly raising the two that are actually yours.
It never ceases to amaze me when a STalker expounds with the depth of of their love for and the amazingness of their partner then goes on to explain that this amazing partner is an abject failure as an adult and parent and abdicates their responsibility as a parent and as an equity life partner putting it all on their own partner rather than stepping up.
I know this is a tough situation for you but.... you cannot sacrifice yourself on the alter of rescuing your partner and his 5 prior relationship children. One partner in a relationship pursuing martyrdom rarely results in a sustainable relationship.
IMHO of course.
Take care of you and good luck.