My fDH and I were talking about the boundries we need to set for his BM. Was wondering what issues/rules you've had to come up with to keep the peace in your house.
DF has the same rule for SDs5&8(I hate their mother) but not for SD15(her mom and I get along fine).
Nine times out if ten when the young ones start a sentence with Mommy said, it will br followed by something that will bug one or both if us.
I dont have a problem witih them talking about the day to day stuff they do with their mom. However, I have no desire to hear the negative stuff BM tells them.
We do not have rules when it comes to BM, DH, and I. Its like picking up kids from friends or neighbors and we all go our own way. When there is contact, I let my DH handle it. Having very little contact with BM has been a blessing but when the kids do attempt to jump the fence, the kid (usually SD) is faced with repeating what she said but to her moms face.
Sorry I don't have much further advice accept for keep it simple if you can.
My own rules for myself:
1) I do not seek out or initiate any type of interaction with her
2) I avoid going places she will be, or at least keep a healthy distance away if we are in the same place at the same time
3) I will NOT answer the phone when she calls (she's not calling to talk to me anyways...)
4) I block out most things discussed about her by SK's
5) I told DH I don't want to hear about her AT ALL - I don't care that she has a great garden, or what they're doing with their house remodel, blah blah blah. Her life is NOT my concern.
6) I asked DH that he not discuss ME, my life, my kids with her. She doesn't need to know my business.
I do not share children with her, and the SK's have made it very clear I am nothing to them. Therefore, I should be nothing to her and vice versa.
Yes it's more like you ask her not to text/call after a certain time unless it's an emergency.
Or only talking about the kids no chit chat
Reason I'm asking is BM is still persuing fDH. Not sure if it's becuase she actually wants him back or just because I have him. Either way fDH has never set any ground rules with her and she is starting to interfear with our relationship and up in our life WAY more than I think she should be so I wanted to see how it worked with everyone else to see if I was just being petty or it's acutally how it usually is.
For example. fDH sent 4300 text message last month. Only around 400 were to me and about 4200 were to BM. I asked and he said they were talking about their daughter. Granted I asked him not to talk to her on the phone and to text to have record of all her crap but good grief! Am I crazy for thinking this was too much. They do argue a lot over text but that is a lot of dang text messages.
"For example. fDH sent 4300 text message last month. Only around 400 were to me and about 4200 were to BM."
I'm a heavy texter. I don't send nearly this many each month. I'm so sorry to say this but this is a huge red flag. HUGE. Are you sure nothing is going on with them? That is an exceptional amount. No way they are only discussing their daughter.
I set a rule with fDH from the start. It was hard for him but now he understands why. When we moved in, I said 'My phone password is this. You can look at my texts any time. I will never delete anything. I already know yours. If your phone is not completely open to me, we WILL not live together. If you delete texts I'll know. but this is what I need to feel comfortable.'
You need to set this boundary. I'm scared for what you will find.
I have pretty similar rules as the others. BM is not allowed to call DH for things that aren’t related to skid, and even when it is skid-related it must be at a reasonable hour (unless it’s an emergency obviously). She is not allowed in my home EVER, for any reason. No “mommy said…” crap in my house either. SD will be cut off QUICK.
Basically, I have as little to do with BM as humanly possible. I do not speak to her, I do not see her, I do not talk about her. She is nothing to me. The skid has 2 parents and I am not one of them. I see absolutely no reason at all for me to have anything to do with BM. I let DH deal with the mess he created.
1- No calling/texting before 8AM or 8PM unless it is an emergency
2- If she ignores that rule, FDH is to ignore her text
3- I will not watch your dog EOW (seriously)
4- No, we will not spend Christmas together.
Ok so when she drops skids off or picks up are you present? We were at his moms house one day and she came there to drop his daughter off. I was there, she came in the house like she always does because it's a lot to carry all that stuff so she helps carry stuff in. After she left she went off the deep end becuase I was there. NOT becuase I was there with her daughter but becuase I was there.
Some of the problems comes in also becuase the baby just turned one and is going through all her firsts. We are planning on a family vacation this summer and she is bent out of shape because it will be babies first time at the beach and she wants to go so they can both experience her first beach time. I said hello no way no how.
We did not set any initial rules for DickHead, the SpermIdiot in our blended family dream. However, we sure came up with some over the years. Nothing that we published to the SpermClan but we did use the rules when dealing with them.
For background info, met when SS was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2yo. He is now nearly 21 so we worked through the issues over the years.
I suggest the following rules.
1) The opposition BioParent gets NO say in what goes on in your home. Ever, under any circumstance, period. They don't even get to voice an opininion to you or your SO regarding what goes on in your home or life. Conversely, the same applies to you and your SO regarding the X' house and live..... unless the oppostion is so F-ed up that you can use the facts of their idiocy to fry their asses in court. In which case ... do it.
2) You are an equity partner to your spouse so you are unequivically an equity parent to any children in your home regardless of genetic relationship and that makes you far superior to the X in all elements of life including parenting or disciplining your SKids.
3) YOU and your marriagetake absolute precidence over the X and any children in your home in all things including parenting.
4) You get a say and hold VETO authority in all things X or Skid related if they entail anything to do with or have any impact on your family, home, finances, etc....
5) You will discipline chidren that are in your home regardless of what your SO's X has to say about it.
6) If the blended family opposition is reasonable and will work with you and your SO then you will be reasonable and work with the blended family opposition. However, there are no second chances. Once they get unreasonable even one time they are forever on the shit list and will be dealt with firmly, in absolute compliance with the CO/local Supplemental Rules/State Guidelines and you will hold them in absolute compliance with those documents and will smack them in court if they deviate.... unless there is a benefit to you in which case you will take advantage of that benefit on a case by case basis.
That about sums up the rules we developed while interfacing with the NCP SpermClan over the years.
DF has the same rule for
DF has the same rule for SDs5&8(I hate their mother) but not for SD15(her mom and I get along fine).
Nine times out if ten when the young ones start a sentence with Mommy said, it will br followed by something that will bug one or both if us.
I dont have a problem witih them talking about the day to day stuff they do with their mom. However, I have no desire to hear the negative stuff BM tells them.
We do not have rules when it
We do not have rules when it comes to BM, DH, and I. Its like picking up kids from friends or neighbors and we all go our own way. When there is contact, I let my DH handle it. Having very little contact with BM has been a blessing but when the kids do attempt to jump the fence, the kid (usually SD) is faced with repeating what she said but to her moms face.
Sorry I don't have much further advice accept for keep it simple if you can.
My own rules for myself: 1) I
My own rules for myself:
1) I do not seek out or initiate any type of interaction with her
2) I avoid going places she will be, or at least keep a healthy distance away if we are in the same place at the same time
3) I will NOT answer the phone when she calls (she's not calling to talk to me anyways...)
4) I block out most things discussed about her by SK's
5) I told DH I don't want to hear about her AT ALL - I don't care that she has a great garden, or what they're doing with their house remodel, blah blah blah. Her life is NOT my concern.
6) I asked DH that he not discuss ME, my life, my kids with her. She doesn't need to know my business.
I do not share children with her, and the SK's have made it very clear I am nothing to them. Therefore, I should be nothing to her and vice versa.
Yes it's more like you ask
Yes it's more like you ask her not to text/call after a certain time unless it's an emergency.
Or only talking about the kids no chit chat
Reason I'm asking is BM is still persuing fDH. Not sure if it's becuase she actually wants him back or just because I have him. Either way fDH has never set any ground rules with her and she is starting to interfear with our relationship and up in our life WAY more than I think she should be so I wanted to see how it worked with everyone else to see if I was just being petty or it's acutally how it usually is.
For example. fDH sent 4300 text message last month. Only around 400 were to me and about 4200 were to BM. I asked and he said they were talking about their daughter. Granted I asked him not to talk to her on the phone and to text to have record of all her crap but good grief! Am I crazy for thinking this was too much. They do argue a lot over text but that is a lot of dang text messages.
"For example. fDH sent 4300
"For example. fDH sent 4300 text message last month. Only around 400 were to me and about 4200 were to BM."
I'm a heavy texter. I don't send nearly this many each month. I'm so sorry to say this but this is a huge red flag. HUGE. Are you sure nothing is going on with them? That is an exceptional amount. No way they are only discussing their daughter.
I set a rule with fDH from the start. It was hard for him but now he understands why. When we moved in, I said 'My phone password is this. You can look at my texts any time. I will never delete anything. I already know yours. If your phone is not completely open to me, we WILL not live together. If you delete texts I'll know. but this is what I need to feel comfortable.'
You need to set this boundary. I'm scared for what you will find.
Similar to Echo's list... DH
Similar to Echo's list...
DH does not allow his ex to talk to him about non-skid related things.
She does not have our home number or my cell number.
When we are at the same skid event, we did not sit with her.
Neither DH nor I are FB friends with her. She is blocked.
I have pretty similar rules
I have pretty similar rules as the others. BM is not allowed to call DH for things that aren’t related to skid, and even when it is skid-related it must be at a reasonable hour (unless it’s an emergency obviously). She is not allowed in my home EVER, for any reason. No “mommy said…” crap in my house either. SD will be cut off QUICK.
Basically, I have as little to do with BM as humanly possible. I do not speak to her, I do not see her, I do not talk about her. She is nothing to me. The skid has 2 parents and I am not one of them. I see absolutely no reason at all for me to have anything to do with BM. I let DH deal with the mess he created.
1- No calling/texting before
1- No calling/texting before 8AM or 8PM unless it is an emergency
2- If she ignores that rule, FDH is to ignore her text
3- I will not watch your dog EOW (seriously)
4- No, we will not spend Christmas together.
Ok so when she drops skids
Ok so when she drops skids off or picks up are you present? We were at his moms house one day and she came there to drop his daughter off. I was there, she came in the house like she always does because it's a lot to carry all that stuff so she helps carry stuff in. After she left she went off the deep end becuase I was there. NOT becuase I was there with her daughter but becuase I was there.
Some of the problems comes in
Some of the problems comes in also becuase the baby just turned one and is going through all her firsts. We are planning on a family vacation this summer and she is bent out of shape because it will be babies first time at the beach and she wants to go so they can both experience her first beach time. I said hello no way no how.
We did not set any initial
We did not set any initial rules for DickHead, the SpermIdiot in our blended family dream. However, we sure came up with some over the years. Nothing that we published to the SpermClan but we did use the rules when dealing with them.
For background info, met when SS was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2yo. He is now nearly 21 so we worked through the issues over the years.
I suggest the following rules.
1) The opposition BioParent gets NO say in what goes on in your home. Ever, under any circumstance, period. They don't even get to voice an opininion to you or your SO regarding what goes on in your home or life. Conversely, the same applies to you and your SO regarding the X' house and live..... unless the oppostion is so F-ed up that you can use the facts of their idiocy to fry their asses in court. In which case ... do it.
2) You are an equity partner to your spouse so you are unequivically an equity parent to any children in your home regardless of genetic relationship and that makes you far superior to the X in all elements of life including parenting or disciplining your SKids.
3) YOU and your marriagetake absolute precidence over the X and any children in your home in all things including parenting.
4) You get a say and hold VETO authority in all things X or Skid related if they entail anything to do with or have any impact on your family, home, finances, etc....
5) You will discipline chidren that are in your home regardless of what your SO's X has to say about it.
6) If the blended family opposition is reasonable and will work with you and your SO then you will be reasonable and work with the blended family opposition. However, there are no second chances. Once they get unreasonable even one time they are forever on the shit list and will be dealt with firmly, in absolute compliance with the CO/local Supplemental Rules/State Guidelines and you will hold them in absolute compliance with those documents and will smack them in court if they deviate.... unless there is a benefit to you in which case you will take advantage of that benefit on a case by case basis.
That about sums up the rules we developed while interfacing with the NCP SpermClan over the years.
Good luck.
Brilliant.
Brilliant.