What is appropriate for co-parenting?
Hi All
I have been thinking of this topic all day. In my situation my ex and I didn't really co-parent. I always took the lead in parenting when we were married and we divorced when our kids were really young. My kids are all grown now and looking back we really only came together as parents when there was an issue. Which lucky for us was not very often. We didn't discuss mundane daily details of the kids life. If one of them got in big trouble we addressed it as parents but that was about it.
My BF and his ex don't really communicate that much now. Before me he just did whatever she told him to do. Gave her money when she needed it,changed the schedule, pretty much what ever she felt like at the time he did.
Once I came along I stressed the importance of boundaries we had a rough patch with the BM but it smoothed over. Which leads me to now she wants to discuss everything!! Day to day stuff house rules etc.etc. Which I don't really have that much of a problem with but I feel like we are two seperate households. We can have some common general rules but not every last thing. What is everyone else's take on this?
I think YOU did the right
I think YOU did the right thing. I believe that this co-parenting thing should really be about "issues"...not "I want to tell you how cute Timmy is today...you know that timmy flicked a booger?" Sigh...I believe that is just a way for ex's to keep control and contact with one another and in no way helps the kids. If you can be such good buddies to talk about all kinds of cute kid stuff, you should've stayed married because honestly, your issues could not have been that great to warrant a divorce.
Communication should be;
1. I am stuck in traffic, will be late on pu/drop off ...sorry
2. I am in the hospital, can't pu kid
3. Kid is in the hospital or was diagnosed with major illness...
4. Kid beat someone up in school or got beat up
etc...
NOT
1. he was soooo cute today, know what he did?
2. oh, your kid sneezed today...or just had diarrhea...
3. you know, I was wondering if I should buy them the xbox or the wii
sigh, sigh, sigh
I called my ex about anything
I called my ex about anything that he would have helped make a decision on if we were married. He is her dad and should have input. Examples being:
a) daycare - I checked them out and explained why I went with the one I did
b) ears pierced
c) medical/dental/vision appts
d) once a month in re: to school standings
e) e/r trips
f) major activity decisions that would interfere in his visits
g) proms
h) graduation
i) college choices.
j) the decision to continue support through college and the impact on him if he didn't (loss of dependent etc)
I called my ex when my grandmother died as it would a)impact my daughter and b) he knew and respected my grandmother. I called when my step dad died for the same reasons mentioned before, and I also called when my step dad's cousins died. He was friendly with all three. And spent many years visiting the cousins, as they were Nuns and the convent was a drop off point for visitation.
I will miss our chats - yes I considered him a friend. We "grew" into adults together. We just weren't ready for marriage. We are conversing now only for medical reasons that dd is facing.
I wish BM would have done the same. I wish she would have done HALF of what I did. Because when you have an open communication line between homes, there is no playing one against the other- or it's at least harder. If she would have treated DH with respect and really encouraged involvement those kids would have had the world. And I mean encouraged it and meant it.
But by involvement I don't mean:
a) calling DH to talk to his kids because they won't listen.
b) not telling skids that if they don't behave they will have to come and live with dad
c) telling skids that they don't have to listen to me
d) that we have no right to discipline them in that manner and if we do it again she will stop it
In turn what they have- nothing. THere is little to no involvement in our house or our family. I disengaged many years ago, though find myself reengaging at times with hope that things are different. SD has been in counseling since she was 14-15, is now on anti depressants at 20. SS14 shows serious signs of anger and no respect for anyone. He speaks very little and we know nothing about his life.
I think that each situation is different. My marriage ended while we still loved each other. I just couldn't live the way were were living. DH's marriage ended after they hated each other. That hate showed in their dealings with their kids.