Uncooperative bio parents on both sides!!
my ex husband and my soon to be husbands ex wife are driving us crazy. They both have the attitude of, i know everything, im gonna do things my way, i dont care what you think. God forbid we dissagree with either of them. His ex turns to explosive arguments and petty gossip (crap she got from her friend who worked with my other ex...baby daddy number 2 who i actually have a great co-parenting relationship with) saying im crazy and violent and hopelessly jealous... insisting that hes getting rid of his cat and house because "i dont want him to have anything they shared" excuse me?! im not jealous unless i have a reason to be and im certainly not jealous of their failed marriage. She even went so far as to threaten suing for full custody (they currently have joint) if she ever hears that im being crazy. ridiculous!
My ex is no better. He starts petty arguments that end in screaming and making baseless legal threats and then calling my mother 3 states away to vent at her insisting that she will somehow be able to "control" me... cuz ya know...if i dont agree with him i must be a horrible person/parent. Hes taken the legal crap as far as both of us wasting about a grand on attorneys just so he could throw a tantrum. never made it to mediation. never made it to a courtroom. just him making threats me preparing to deal with him just so he could say... nvm i guess i dont need to take this to court right now. ill wait until i REALLY need to. Gahhh!!!...
both of them are very lax on discipline which results in them acting out every time they come back from visiting their Bio parents. not to mention my ex telling my oldest daughter (5) that her soon to be step brothers (6 and 
are "brats" or "bad friends" and her cominghome repeating it. And given that his ex is gossiping with her friends and boyfriend and trying to talk sh*t about me to him im guessing the boys at the very least overhear her petty ranting.
I dunno im at a loss. Oh, and we just got engaged last weekend so the exs dont kno yet... my mother said to wait as long as possible before telling my ex cuz she knows it will be nothing but drama. in any case i dont know how to go about letting the exes kno we r getting married, assuming the kids dont mention something during their visitation, and im a little upset with his ex trying to scold me (at their sons bday party telling me anything that happened in their relationship is none of my business and if i want the real story then i can talk to her) but then indulging in petty gossip about my past? excuse me?! This is me venting. Im an intelligent and level headed person. I am articulate and cordial when i need to be. I have thought about sending her an email explaining my concerns and my dissaproval of her childish behavior but no matter how politely i put it i know she will just cause more drama.
So now what? do i just let her go on talking crap to her friends and family in front of the boys? i want to say something, thus far iv always stayed quiet around her or kept to simple conversation and jokes etc. but i think shes overstepping here and i feel like i should say something. Its not just that its gossip but her trying to imply that im unstable and shouldnt be around her kids. I dont take accusations of bad parenting lightly. Blah. ok im rambling. anyway, thats the gist of it.
Honestly, I don't think it
Honestly, I don't think it would do any good at all to talk to either one of them about gossiping, etc. What I would do is document every instance of your children coming home and saying "mommy said this..." or "daddy said that...". That will at least establish a pattern of how they are behaving in front of the children, should you guys ever have to go to court for something or the other. Regarding telling the ex's that you guys are engaged...why would you? That's really not anything they need to know. Wait until you're married and then tell them.
I try to keep things as open
I try to keep things as open and respectful as possible. I would want to know if one of my exes was having another mother figure around. I try to not be judgmental, but at the same time i think any parent has a right to know who is watching, raising, etc. their kid. The second baby dad has no problem with any of it. hes actually happy and encouraging, but my oldest ones dad is and always has been a nightmare. pointless legal threats, dramatic scenes. My second child has a vision problem so we have a learning center here that comes out to work with us once a week and he started screaming at me in front of her and scared her off all because i very simply and politely asked that he not speak negatively about my boyfriend or his children to our daughter. and like i said his ex wife is no better. Part of why i wanted to send her the email is for documentation. I want to be able to show that i made an attempt to resolve the situation politely and if she sends a hateful spiteful message back at least ill have it documented and can prove that she is uncooperative. i dunno. I really just dont want to give my soon to be hubby any extra stress from her, tho im pretty sure the stress and drama is gonna b a constant anyway, but at the same time its ridiculous for a grown woman to act like a petulant child... or a grown man for that matter. I just cant understand why they both feel the need to make everything so dramatic. We are all adults. we are all parents. This kind of childish lashing out every time they get mad is teaching the kids to do the same. The boys have destroyed packed boxes, dumped out cartons of eggs, tried to light the grass on fire twice, theyre getting more agressive since the birthday party where she suddenly decided she wanted to start crap with me. I just wish i could figure out a way to put an end to it. Sigh**
Sounds like MAJOR boundaries
Sounds like MAJOR boundaries need to be set. Both will flip a fit. Who cares? They are already badmouthing you.
Document everything. And for god's sake, do NOT tell them you are getting married!
We made sure that our BM didn't know we were getting married. The reason she even found out was because the insurance was in my name and we had to send the cards with my new "married" name on them. }:)
No matter how respectful YOU keep things, you can't force them to act like reasonable adults.
PROOFREAD ANYONE?? This is
PROOFREAD ANYONE??
This is the message i want to send her... its as polite as i could manage without being a pushover.
Sorry to bother you, but I was a little disturbed to hear secondhand gossip regarding me and my past. I honestly don’t want to cause any drama here, but as I recall it was you who lectured me a few weeks ago about the importance of not jumping to conclusions or discussing other peoples past relationships based on what someone else tells you with people who were not a part of the relationship. It would stand to reason that, given our conversation at the birthday party, I shouldn’t need to explain this to you.
I don’t expect you to like me or even respect me, but stooping to the level of petty gossip and trying to drag me into your arguments is nothing short of childish. Furthermore, I do not appreciate the implication that I am forcing him to do things based on jealousy of a relationship that has been over for years. I am not the jealous type and I am most certainly not jealous of a failed relationship. I do my best to stay out of your arguments and I would appreciate it if you would have the common decency to keep me out of them.
Also, since you are so interested in what happened in my relationship 3 years ago allow me to enlighten you. For one thing he wasn’t my husband, and sure we had our problems, but there were never any physical threats much less anything involving a knife or any other form of weaponry for that matter.
Brad and I have a wonderful friendship and we support each other and parent together better than any separated parents I’ve ever known. I’m sure you won’t believe that but if you need confirmation I’d be happy to give you his number so you can talk to the alleged source of your secondhand information. If you ever have concerns regarding me in the future I would be more than happy to discuss them with you. I hope this is the last I will hear of such petulant behavior. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate your consideration.
Do NOT communicate with his
Do NOT communicate with his ex! That's part of the boundaries I am talking about. This will cause nothing but MORE problems.
You communicate with your ex and he with his. All by writing - you both let exes know that you are going to go to all email to cut the drama. If they call and it is not about a skid on fire or in ER, hang up!
And even your FDH shouldn't be sending something like that to his ex. First, you cannot force someone to be mature and sane. Second, she will LOVE that this bothers you guys. Third, you have to take the high road no matter how bumpy and potholed it is, while the low road looks so new and shiny! People who KNOW you guys will not believe her. If they believe her, they are people you don't want to associate with anyway.
My FDH... what does DH stand
My FDH... what does DH stand for btw? iv got most of the acronyms but that one escapes me. anyway, he doesnt do confrontation. he basically lets her walk all over him. If he tries to say anything she just goes off on him. Hes not great at putting his foot down. Honestly it seems like the only things she knows how to talk about are what he NEEDS to do like paying a babysitter...her sister... out of his pocket on top of child support even though i am here free of charge, making him pay for and plan their joint bday party(theyre bdays r a day apart) with 2 days prior notice. changing pickup and drop off times to suit herself but throwing a tantrum if hes gonna b 10 mins late, or of course throwing a toddler tantrum if you suggest an idea SHE didnt come up with or do or say anything SHE doesnt like. Gahhh. Like the younger son has a bedwetting issue. something i had to deal with as a kid too and its traumatizing. but making changes only at our house is going to make it take way longer so i suggested it to her politely explaining my experience with it and what i know works and she just blew me off saying, well we(her and her bf) told him he would get a treat if he stayed dry for 100 days so thats what im doing. End of conversation. Plus with her badmouthing me in front of the boys they are starting to act out over at our house more and more by the day. my ex blows up at random and when he does my daughter does the same thing tho i can usually put a stop to it by putting my foot down and telling him what NEEDS to hapen...politely of course...notes work better for that so he can get me off topic. Anyway i dunno. It just seems like a huge escalating mess and im not confortable with her walking all over us and causing issues in our house because of HER behavior. Blah.
Agreed. Do not say anything,
Agreed. Do not say anything, just simply ignore all the crap when you can. And go through email ONLY. Silence is key--no engagement. When you put down the rope in a tug-of-war, there is NO more fight. Don't give them a fight at all costs. Taking the high road is easier said than done but it is the healthiest way!
Well, thanx for all of your
Well, thanx for all of your help. Against my urge to correct the matter i took the advice you all gave and left it alone... mostly... prior to the post i had mentioned the gossip to my ex who was the alleged source and he went ahead and sent the ex wife's friend a message to clarify. Im guessing it went from him to her to the ex wife because wen she noticed his ring and found out we were getting married she actually congratulated him and apologized (half assedly gritting her teeth so im told) for the drama from before and the gossip. I guess even the crazy childish exs can suck it up and be adults once in a while. lol.