Trying to understand what to do

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Hi All, I'm new so sorry if I am not so good with the abbreviations, I'll do my best.

im divorced twice, two kids with each ex wive. I now have half custody, but i I paid half of my wealth to each spouse when divorcing, knowing my kids would benefit, but ultimately being threatening by lawyers that I will not see my kids. I end the relationships and I wasn't the best partner, but I tried my absolutely to be the best father and partner, however I did have a traumatic and dysfunction childhood and never knew what a healthy functional family dynamics looked like.

my second marriage involved my new wife being very codependent with me and getting upset if my kids at ages 2-4 would jump into our bed when they were over on a weekend and want my attention.

I felt upset about this but tried to find a balance and would take the kids away to spend time alone with them. They developed overtime deep resentment for their SM, who also began over the 12th at marriage to resent them and appear jealous when I would create one on one time. She couldn't understand that back then I was only see the children 2nights 3days a week and that I needed to really be present and focus on their needs when I saw them.

my ex wife (1st wife) hated my new partner and felt it was her fault that our marriage ended even though she now knows I ended it well before meeting 2nd wife.

As a result I was treated very badly and felt a sense of guilt for leaving and signed an agreement that would support her financially until the kids were 18years of age. (Boy and girl currently 17/15). This along with pay all school fees and insurance and extra curricular you name it, pushed me to the financial edge. Supporting now two house holds and all kids expenses but only seeing them 2nights a week.

my 2nd wife would resent the kids because of what their mum would say and I felt miserable in the middle and unable to fully embrace my children without feeling guilty.

Fast forward I had two more beautiful kids and I was expected to treat them like you would expect but my older children could see how much they were missing out on and I felt awful and would begin overcompensating with material things etc. think Disneyland dad.

my 2nd wife would speak badly about me to all my children in the end and would get violent and I began to withdraw and dreamt of leaving.

3years ago , one week before the words longest lock down in Melbourne Australia I moved out with the heaviest of hearts as the situation was toxic.

today I have a new finance and I'm making sure I get everything out in the open up front and so far amazingly good in comparison.

my fiance the step mother is much younger and hasn't had kids and we are going camping with the kids for the first time. I suggested the two young ones 8 and 10 should sleep with us in the 4man tent.

she said that wasn't the deal and doesn't want to come if they are sleeping in the same tent.

I got triggered from the past immediately and have stayed up all night not knowing what to do and if this is a red flag or me overreacting.

she loved her dog that recently died like a human child and I acted as loving step dad for several years and I find it so hard to hear her say she would rather not come then share a tent for one night with me and my kids.

sorry for the context at the beginning I appreciate it's a rant but I'm trying so hard to create a functional family and relationship and this knocked me for six.

Welcome.

I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and pick up some useful perspective from others who are living the blended family dream.

To cut to the chase, from my opinion and perspective, you are kid focused rather than adult relationship focused. Kids are not the priority and never should be. The adult relationship is the priority and must remain the priority.

That said, kids are the top adult relationship responsibility. Priority and responsibility are two very different concepts.

As for your DF (Dear Fiance), I agree with her. It is okay for kids of the ages yours are to stay in a kid tent and the adults to have their own tent. As your DF is early in a relationship with a partner with two sets of prior relationship progeny, I understand your DF's reticence in co-tenting.

For your new adult relationship to be successful long term, I suggest that you get some therapy, and put your failed family guilt behind you. Your children will fare much better being raised by a guilt free father who lives his life confidently, models healthy adult partnerships, and raises them from a position requiring standards of behavior and standards of performance rather from a weak platform of guilt.

Take care of yourself.

I'd slow it all down

You're a twice-divorced father of four with heavy financial responsibilities. She's a much-younger single, childless woman. I'm guessing your deepest dream is for this woman to become the ideal mom and bring all 4 kids together for a "one happy family".

I understand the desire to have a lovely wife and to see your kids more. There's a question on Steptalk when stepmoms post about problems: " Has he done the work?". What it means is, has the dad established a home the kids are comfortable coming to? (beds, frig, etc). Does he have a civil relationship with the ex and does he pay his CS as ordered? Does he act like a father rather than Disneydad? (no jumping on a woman's bed). Does he insist on the kids showing respect? Has he covered the hygiene, eating and medical issues?

How do you stack up? Have you done the work? I don't know your fiance but I have a feeling she's seen enough during their visitation to refuse sharing a tent. If nothing else, that knocks adult time out

I'd slow everything down. Really ask yourself if you want to marry her for herself? Or as the new mom placeholder? I'd also make sure of the birth control.

Wishing you all the best. You're human, you want the good things, like we all do. Take more time to settle down yourself, your kids and your fiance. You don't want her writing in here unhappily in a few years.

Brilliance as usual.

Reply to Id slow it all down

Hi JRI,

Much appreciate your response.

how do I stack up.

I have a beautiful home with the kids all having the own bedrooms and have been the case as I am in the marital home which I paid in the divorce. Close to kids school, they have lots of sports which I drive them to, they feel safe and I have built a strong open relationship with my kids and new partner.

My kids all largely get along and have chores to da, I make lunch boxes and so school pickup dropoffs and 4 basketball games with training a week.

My (DF) Dear Fiancé and I have one week to our selves but she seems to be content doing nothing and so I have to take the lead and organise 80% of things. I do want the functional happy blended family and believe it's possible with work and without expectations being imposed.

I do worry I am sometimes seeing and expecting her to help create thE perfect family but my kids and her seem far less enthusiastic then me.

I worry my partner is not up for the role I have been trying to create for her and I feel disappointed when she doesn't show positive interest in my children and kind of sees them as work, unlike me I get joy out of seeing them.

my partner is introverted and we have both been getting therapy to make sure we aren't getting in the way of ourselves or each other. I think my expectations of the Brady bunch is the biggest reason I get disappointed when she seems uninterested in my kids.

I worry if I follow her lead I will damage my kids by having someone around them who isn't all in.

Repeat after me: The Brady Bunch was a fictional tv show

"I do worry I am expecting her to help create the perfect family but my kids and her seem far less enthusiastic than me".

Adnofilter, you are more insightful than you realize. You must definitely, finally convince yourself that the Brady family is a fiction. I'm glad you're both in therapy before taking any final steps.

Just as a comparison, I'm an introvert like your fiance, but I had 2 kids of my own so wasn't unfamiliar with kid issues. But as much as I loved my DH, his 3 rambunctious kids (not FOUR) and his toxic ex (not TWO of them) very nearly sent me out the door.

We have been talking about you and her but what about the kids? They, especially the older ones, have been thru a lot. That's one reason everybody keeps telling you to slow it down.

Stay in therapy, bring up your Brady Family FANTASY and try to find out why it's so alluring, read around on here to get the REAL picture and remember, "Mental health is an ongoing dedication to reality at all costs".

Ad, You have two failed

Ad, You have two failed families. While I understand your concen for your kids, the odds are far better than not that the history of your failed families will damage your DF rather than the other way around.

Forcing a blend is not likely to end in success. Establishing and enforcing standards of behavior and standards of performance for children in your relationship is IMHO the framework for success. Success for the relationship and success for the children.

Doing the same things you have done twice before while expecting different results is an informal definition of insanity. What are you doing differently this time compared to what you have done before?

Take care of yourself in all of this.

Agree With JRI & Rags

Slow this down. You are with a CHILDless woman. You have four children with two women, one of whom we already know is a bit toxic (first wife). As Rags said, you are way too focused on kids rather than your relationship. When you leave one relationship and go to another, you bring your same baggage...so unless you get into counseling where you can "change out" your baggage, you will continue to do the same things with the same results.

I strongly suggest you get into counseling BEFORE you get married again. You need better techniques to handle your kids' needs and care for your partner. It's all about balance. Also, with being so financially strapped as you seem to suggest, you want to make sure this marriage is handled right, with exectations clear, home rules in place, discipline and consequences clearly defined, etc. You don't want another divorce with more kids to care for. Best to you.

Not sure

Hi Ad,

I would move forward very cautiously here. You've already identified that your much younger childless fiancée is less than enthusiastic about being around your kids and sees them as work. Have you considered what this might mean? That maybe your kids can be considered annoying by someone else's standards? You've admittedly let your prior 2-4 year olds jump in your ex wife's bed and did not think it was such a big deal.

Also, you stated you do pickups, drop offs and football 4x a week. This leaves 3 free days where you aren't tied up doing something for your kids. It seems like you have a lot of responsibility and obligations.

I don't know what you will be able to pull off to let her be as enthusiastic with your kids but if you find out, please let the rest of us here know. I could use some of that knowledge.

As for stepparenting her dog, please understand that a pet is nothing like a human. A pet will love you as long as you keep them fed and in a good home. A stepchild, especially one being PASed out by their mother, will likely never love their stepmother, and will often act out in ways to hurt and dismiss her feelings. Are you willing to put in the work to make sure that doesn't happen?
My honest opinion about this is that you should not drag this unsuspecting young woman into your life with this "role" you have cut out for her. You'd be better off, maybe, with someone who already gets what it's like to be a parent. But you're already engaged and you're not likely to do that. I feel for her.

Edit to add: have you also considered that you're moving her into your home where you had another marriage, and that the kids may feel like she's intruding on their space? Have you considered that she may feel like your house isn't her house? If you were honest with yourself, when she gets home, is she entering a home full of love and peace, or a home full of chaos and kids plotting against their new stepmom?

And an SO/Father who tolerates it?

I feel bad...

For the new wife appliance.

Yeah, no, you are setting way

Yeah, no, you are setting way too many expectations on your fiance. For one, she doesn't have kids of her own, so she's not going to completely understand kid issues. Even if she did have kids of her own, she is not the mother of your four kids that you already have. So don't expect her to play the role of Mom. They already have a mom. It IS your job to make sure they treat her with respect though. Of course she isn't going to be enthusiastic about two kids who are no relation to her sleeping in the tent with her. They're big enough to be in their own tent, and may enjoy being by themselves anyway. That would be true even if she was their bio mom. It would be a fun adventure for them.

Do you hold them to certain standards of behavior, cleanliness, and personal hygiene?

I am a stepmother and a stepdaughter. My parents divorced when I was12. Dad remarried when I was 18. Looking back, I feel that my dad treated my stepmother pretty well. He didn't really have to set any standards for their home because he had already done that, along with my mother when my siblings and I were little. That's where you two differ of course, because my mother wasn't a toxic ex. She had expectations that we treat our stepmother respectfully just as our dad expected, or else. But I can tell you that even if my mother was toxic, Dad still would have set the rules and expected us to abide by them. He put my stepmother first, just as he should have. He loved us, but expected us to know our place. He wasn't afraid to set boundaries with us or anyone else. He knew we loved him. He also didn't expect my stepmother to play a mother role to us. She brought two adult kids from her first marriage, so she may have been somewhat motherly, but no more than an aunt would have done. My point being, he didn't expect her to do more than she was willing or able to do. We had/have a mom. I'm getting the feeling that you are setting this expectation for your fiance and she and your kids are trying to tell you that this isn't going to go well because, they already have a mom. Don't push, or your fiance may find herself here in a few years just as miserable as your second ex was. It could lead to a third failed marriage and yet more kids of divorce.

The wisdom of your advice and experience is priceless.

Thank you for sharing that.

Thanks. I'm finding that a

Thanks. I'm finding that a lot of these problems could be avoided if these Disney dads would drop Disney and just be Dad. And how much power the BM's have, which is scary. My own mom used her powers for good, fortunately. But these dads have more power than they think.

I worry my partner is not up

I worry my partner is not up for the role I have been trying to create for her

Sounds like your fiancé doesn't see her "role" the same way you do. You're setting everyone up for failure by expecting another adult to take on a role that you have created for her.

Your fiancé is in a

Your fiancé is in a relationship with YOU. First and foremost. She does not have 4 kids to balance but you do. You have so much to balance and that is yours to figure out, not dump on her with unnatural expectations. The Brady Bunch does not exist and thinking it does causes so much drama and confusion.

You're putting a heap of

You're putting a heap of expectations on your fiance.

Slow everything down, right now. You have two failed marriages behind you, and with your attitude you'll be facing a third.

Maybe you should focus on raising your children to be good respectful citizens. By all means have a relationship but don't try and force this Brady Bunch concept onto your partner (and children).

You can't expect a childless

You can't expect a childless young woman to fill the role of two bio-moms, and you likely expect her to not only fill the role but do it better. People date and get married to have a relationship, to be a significant other and a spouse, not to take over as parent to children of multiple other people. If she is kind and respectful to your kids, and a good partner to you, count your blessings. You're going to run her off with "mommy" expectations to any children but her own.