In retrospect it might have been better to hold off on having a baby longer than you did, when your partner had only just moved in, but too late now.   It's good that you and he are trying to lay down a framework for your kids' behaviour and hopefully that will improve as time goes on.  The first few years of so called "blended family" living are often the hardest.  It sounds like your partner may have quite marked OCD - has this ever been diagnosed?  Has he had live in relationships or marriage in his past?  Having a shower every other day sounds perfectly alright. 

I'm going to assume your baby is his first child. If so, this sounds like a combination of first-time parenting with being a SP to kids who have a history of violent behavior towards members of their own family (you) and property (the broken door). 

You're able to tolerate your kids' behavior because they are your kids. They aren't his kids. You all came as a package deal (as in the kids were going to live with you full-time), but that doesn't mean the whole package was wonderful or his responsibility to deal with. He shouldn't have to deal with violent behavior and bickering teenagers even if they are siblings. He should be able to have peace in his home.

Now, your DH could have left if it became too much, but he likely now feels stuck because of your mutual child. He likely feels trapped, like if he leaves his child won't be protected from the violence and uproar. Your DH is retreating because your kids' behavior is too much, and he feels like he has to protect since no one is or can make them behave.

If you want your DH to start engaging again, then you need to get your teens to behave. No more violence. If one is violent, they need to be in therapy stat. No excuses about their spectrum symptoms. There are MANY people on the spectrum who don't resort to violence when they become overwhelmed, and that is a skill your child needs to learn. When the teens squabble, they need to lose their phones. They are old enough to learn that when they are told once to stop that they stop, and if they continue, they lose their privileges.

What you allowed when you were single can't be allowed now that you have a new partner. It's their life, too, that you are entangling in yours. It is YOUR responsibility to make sure your kids' behaviors have minimal impact on them, just as you would any other person they interact with. 

I ‘monitor’ my older bio children’s behaviour around my two youngsters - because quite frankly some kids (even late teens) don’t have a clue until they are older and have kids themselves. On one occasion I had to remove my daughter from my step sons arms because he had ‘baby in one hand and mobile phone in other’. He didn’t really get to hold her very much after that, I didn’t trust him. 

I can see why people would stay close by to make sure the little ones are safe. 

Posters on here say all the time that once they have their own bio kid, their stepkids become even more challenging to deal with, and they begin to resent them.  Seems like there is some of that going on here.

You have two kids with autism (aspergers and mild autism are one and the same), both can be aggressive, and only in the last year have you set boundaries and expectations (it seems from your post).  So things must be fairly chaotic in your home. He might not have realized what living with them full-time would be like.

Perhaps he has OCD, or are your kids poor with their hygiene? Some of his concerns seem realistic, though obviously, he shouldn't be the only one driving what kind of relationship your older kids have with the baby, it's your baby too.

As someone else said, this is a lot of adjustment at once, for everyone.

I can tell you almost exactly what he's feeling. I have DD8 months, and I currently have a SD6. Wife let SD run wild her entire life, the child has never had a consequence. SD recently became violent towards animals. It's wife's fault, and what's more, wife doesn't give me full control of behavioral situations. (I guess half control would be more fair to say).

But as for his feelings. He's sees your children, and he doesn't want his child to turn into that. It's kind of a simple thought and feeling. I've been living 8 months not tolerating my wife's permissiveness of her own daughter's behavior by, yes, taking DD out every day, having a huge playroom set up in the master bedroom - which is off limits to SD. I've established myself as the main caregiver of DD (I'm a teacher, so I had the entire summer to bond with DD, we left SD in daycare). I've thought to myself a million times how I'd handle it if I had to raise DD in the same home as SD, and basically, when she was old enough to understand words, I would engrain into DD that SD is wrong. ("That's not how good people act", "I care about you so much that I can't let you be that way").

I mean, you could probably have ZERO issues with your husband if you left him and the child alone, and didn't interfere. Otherwise, I'd say the only way that he's going to allow a bond, is if MAJOR changes happen. If he's anything like me, he's going to leave you before he allows his child around yours. However that divorce plays out will depend on how vindictive he is. I'm personally pretty vindictive.

I would do the same if I were to have a child with DH. I would protect that baby from the skids. I wouldnt trust them alone around the baby if they were violent and honestly I wont have a child with DH because i wouldn't want any child of mine to be related to these skids. I have ss12 on the spectum and his behavior is erratic and impulsive and unnpredictable. No place for a baby to be. He also loses focus. He let my puppy run away last week because he put the leash down.

Behavior does rub off. I've seen younger siblings of autistic children mimic the older siblings behavior. I was a teacher for 20 years. Autism is not contagious as you know but it is common to mimic the behavior of those around you.

Honestly when I babysat a puppy last week I did my best to keep the pup away. I either left for long walks or stayed up in my room(bathroom). I literaly spent hours on the bathroom floor hanging out with the pup because my room is carpeted and she is not trained.

Your husband is doing the right thing protecting his child. Your children are violent and grew up in an abusive environment. He wants better for his child.

I am actually surprised that your DH had a child with you, considering he had time to watch your children's behavior.  He probably did not realize the protective instinct that would come out until your DS was born.  To be honest, I can understand why he is behaving this way.  Even in your own words, you sound very permissive. You have admitted your bios have behavioral problems, but then you excuse that behavior as just normal teenage behavior.  It sounds to me like your DH finds their behavior to be worse than just normal teenage problems. 

To be honest, I don't blame him for not wanting his infant son around potentially violent teens.   You need to set some stricter boundaries and stick to them. Otherwise, I would expect your DH to further disengage.  He is looking at this as a safety issue for his son.

Fezza - with all those diagnoses have you tried claiming dla, and getting a nanny type person one or two days a week to help supervision of daily routines, such as mealtimes etc. 

I understand your dh concern for dd. I too am overprotective. Sd9 is with us 75% of the time. I am pregnant with my first and have purchased motion detection cameras/alarms for the baby room, one to carry around the house with me as well as a camera for the car so I can monitor the back seat if both sd and my child are together. We force sd to shower every day but she still just seems dirty to me. I do not trust Sd9 with my baby nor will I ever leave them in a room alone together. Sd is a product of permissive parenting and is not happy I am pregnant. It seems your dh feels overprotective as well especially since your children are on the spectrum and prone to outbursts. I agree with him on this. Perhaps you can ask him if there are specific parenting items that need to be enforced on your kids for him to feel more comfortable having his child in the same room as your kids. If he sees improvement in the areas he wishes were improved he may come out of his cave with the child a little more. Good luck to you! 

You've mentioned that two of your older children are violent. You've mentioned that your daughter gets angry and swears. Your baby can't protect himself from violence and can't yet tell you if something happens. I can see how your DH would be protective of the baby. What do you do to protect the baby when your older children are around? Do you ever feel worried that your baby will be hurt when one of your other children has a violent outburst? Having worked with autistic children and having friends who work with autistic adults, you often can't predict when an outburst will occur. That can be frightening even to adults, so I can see why your DH would be concerned for the baby. Do you work with a case manager who can help both of you build a space where your older children can thrive, while also making sure that your baby isn't put in harm's way? 

the home is  a safe place.

I can only imagine his anxiety while he is working all day long, only to come home and retreat to the bedroom with the baby.

If your kids are not brought under control, I'm afraid SO may have a very strong case against you should he decide to split and given the limited information you've provided in the post, he would actually have a very good chance of getting sole custody of the baby.

My skids are 9 and 11, where as my DH and I have a daughter together who is 4. I absolutely have an issue with the way my skids behave and say all the time how I don't want our daughter to pick up on their bad behavior. It's really difficult. If I could, I would probably spend all my time with my 4yo in another room far away from my skids as possible. I know they are her siblings, but it doesn't change the fact that they are teaching her all the wrong things to do and it absolutely kills me that that is who she is supposed to look up to. When she was first born, I was very much so like your husband. I didn't want them around her unless it was supervised and I NEVER needed help with anything because I wanted them away from us as much as possible. 

Step parenting is crazy. You truly don't know what you're getting into until you're in it, and it sounds like your children have some additional issues that makes them more difficult to handle. I have a daughter from a previous marriage, who is the oldest of all the kids in the house so I wasn't oblivious to the struggles of parenting before meeting my current husband and bringing our families together. But when the kids aren't yours, and they have significant issues, it does make life considerably more difficult.

If you tolerate DH doing this, he will continue to do it.  Time to inject yourself assertively into this before your DH screws this baby up royally.

Part of that has to be getting your teens behaviors under control and ensuring that the baby is safe with his siblings around.  I do not agree with DH forcing separation between the siblings.  When DH is at work, you define the interface between your children. All 4 of your children.  What DH may define as "interferance" with the baby you can define as sibling interface.  I would also put an end to DH taking the baby and sequestering himself and the baby from the rest of the family as soon as DH gets home from work.

DH has some growing up to do and sadly you are going to have to raise him along with your kids.

I do not envy you, DH or any of the kids in this sad situation.   There is a lot of work that has to happen for this to have a positive outcome.  Work you have to do, DH has to do and the teens have to be forced to do.

Take care of the baby.

Good luck.

hmmm let me see...and I really mean no offense to this just being honest..... I have a baby and step kids and bio kids....if my step kids hit their father and punched a hole in a door and had all sorts of issues...coupled with a parent (you) who makes excuses for them and enables their behavior when 2 of the 3 are almost ADULTS...ADULTS....these aren't small children..... and another who is 13 and old enough to know how to act.....there is NO WAY IN EVER LOVING HELL that those step kids would step foot near my baby...nope..... Actually, in all honestly I would have long moved out and taken my baby out of harms way.

Can you list some reasons why you feel that it is in your baby's best interest to be around these siblings?

I feel for your partner in the fact that I've been in similar shoes.  I was a fairly involved step parent when my step kids were very young, but things have never been "perfect," the facade has slowly been chipped away and really crumbled when I had my biological children.  I suddenly experienced that unconditional love that I did not have with my step children, and still don't.  It's no matter that I will take care of them and will continue to have fond feelings towards them, I just don't love them, and I am fairly confident I never will.  We mesh on basically zero levels and you can never make someone love another person, child or not. 

I quite honestly don't go around parading that my step kids and my children are "siblings," it's not that I deny it, but that's not something I shout at the rooftops. Yes, they do share a father, but they don't share both parents, as full siblings do.  Not a popular opinion I know, but it's...true.  No, it doesn't mean that they love them "half," like some ridiculous theory that goes around states- that would be instilled by ignorant adults telling children that.  My step kids or anyone in my partners' family would never fathom dropping the "step" in step mother when referring to me so why should I drop the "half" in half sibling?? It has the same effect- the pre-fix is stating that there is something special about the relationship and that it's not the standard nuclear family.  The reason I am saying this is I have a feeling your partner is really seeing the difference between his child and his step children now- it just isn't the same anymore once you have children of your own.

When you become a parent you start noticing all of the differences- and usually the negative differences- between them.  It sounds like your other children have some challenges that probably make life hard on everyone sometimes.  I am not judging this, because my oldest is on the spectrum and I applaud and support you, momma.  It isn't easy.  However, it's also important to make sure that EVERYONE is safe, happy and cared for in their own way.

I would be just as protective of my young child as he is around my step children if they are the way that is described.  It's risky, they are displaying less than stellar behavior, and he is experiencing that same love and desire to protect and covet his child just as you feel for ALL of your children.  It's natural and human, and it's just going to complicate things, unfortunately.  I am even fairly protective of my 1 and 2 year old now when they are around my step children- they have done some "shady" things to put them in harms way deliberately; my step daughter also got my son when he was 2 weeks old gravely ill from a stupid cold because she wouldn't respect the personal space I was politely asking her to keep (and Dad couldn't even fathom keeping his kids away for a week or two with a newborn in the house, but that's a gripe for another time). 

Anyway, try not to take this too personal...even though I know it's hurting you.  You want ALL of your children together, you want everything to be, well, perfect.  We all do.  But there are layers in a blended family.  Let Dad have his time with your child together, and you have time with your other children to maybe work on the best strategies to make everyone feel safe and loved; maybe even coping strategies for your ASD child.  Talk with your partner about your concerns, and, with supervision of you both, give the children some time together once in a while.  I think it will help loosen him up over time- it took me a while with this as well because I was very protective and never wanted my step kids around the babies.  Now, I have done a lot of bending- but not without a lot of interacting, in small doses, over a long time. 

You will get the sense (and when I keep saying "time," I mean it!  This won't happen overnight) if things are starting to mesh or if they aren't. 

My SO has a daughter 11 yrs old who has autism. The severe kind. Tons of behavioral issues and challenges. We had a baby a year ago and I hate leaving our son alone with her. Why? Because her behaviors can be dangerous, anxiety-inducing, stressful and negatively impact our quality of life. I took on something major by getting involved with a kid with special needs, and frankly, but for my son, I deeply regret it. I hate that my son will grow up around these behaviors and feel like I've failed as a mom, not to mention the fact that I sincerely fear for his safety anytime he is with sd and my SO. Imagine how that feels as a mom. To fear for your child's safety around a half sibling, someone they will be around for the rest of their lives and won't be able to defend themselves for a long time. SO excuses her behaviors away and thinks she's an angel. Not a single bad word can be said about her without him going off me. Anything I say, even if it's meant for good about sd, is taken as a criticism. It has destroyed our relationship, home and family.  Her autism and her behaviors and his reaction to anyone about sd. I purposely plan things to do when sd is here to get out of the house with baby, which is half the time. She disrupts his and all of our sleep, waking at 5 a.m. daily and kicking our doors. So while I "see" her, the behaviors have really been a driving force for the state of our relationship. I'm guessing your guy feels the same and it is why he is so protective.  The fact is, now that he has his own bio, the need to protect baby trumps everything. And he likely feels bio isn't safe around your kids. Marinate on that a little bit. Had I known what I know now, I would have never gotten involved. We are splitting and I am looking for a place to move to. I have deep anxiety of what could happen when my son is with SO when I no longer live here. This situation isn't sustainable or healthy for my mental health, stress levels or emotional wellbeing. Have you sought counseling? It may help. He likely feels outnumbered by all of you and like he and bio are a separate family from your original one. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. there are no winners here. Blended families are already hard. Add disabilities and behavioral problems, and it's almost like they are set up to fail. In our case, sd's mom can't deal with her too long either,  has even spoken of signing over her rights to SO because sd is so challenging. It's a very difficult situation for all. Keep that baby safe.