Step/Bio dad, need advice
So here is the scoop. I am 22, my wife is 25. She has a son from a previous 'relationship', age 7. We have two daughters of our own now, 3 and 1. Yes, we are young and what not, understood.
Point is, I don't like my step-son. I love my daughters completely, they and my wife, are my life. I am in the military and am deployed and miss them like crazy, but I don't miss my SS. It isn't even anything he 'does' necessarily, just.. him. We have nothing in common, I am an Infantryman, taught to be tough and solid. My daughters take after me in that respect and we get long great. He is a huge cry-baby, momma's boy, and all those things. My wife insists on us having a relationship, but there is nothing there. She claims that I single him out and never include him, because I get along so great with my little ladies, but then when he is around, it just feels awkward. I don't find anything he does to really be funny or cute or anything. We fight about it constantly, and it's to the point where, I don't think I can do it for another 11+ years (I don't see him leaving at 18.. that would mean he was independent and capable, he takes after his lazy dad).
He cries about a lot, ignores my wife, does what he wants... im sure a lot of it is the fact that.. yes... he is a kid. But he is in MY house. I am the caregiver, yet I have no authority... I am the one who gets yelled at for disciplining him, because "I am too hard on him" Yet... I am harder on MY GIRLS! They just respect me so they listen.. he doesn't. I have been reading a lot of this site, and have decided I need to just disengage from him. Let him and his mom have their time, while I spend time with my girls. Just let her be the parent, and let her deal with it. But at the same time, I know I will have trouble with it... it's my house, I won't tolerate him not listening to her or doing whatever he wants.
I wish he would just go live with his own dad, but the man isn't stable enough to handle himself let alone a child. Hence why he shouldn't have been screwing around in high school, but a mexican border town doesn't seem to know anything else apparently.
I don't want to lose my wife and daughters.. what do I do.
BTW>> thank god for finding this site, and seeing that I am not the only one.
PS: How do I explain this to my wife... I tell her that this step parent thing is so much harder than just BEING a parent.. how do I explain to someone who ISN'T a Step parent...
The boy is 7, and did not
The boy is 7, and did not grow up with the military mindset. Your girls are 3 and 1. They are cute and whatnot, but right now, they don't know respect and listening, they know what they want. I highly doubt they are 'respecting' you, because their little minds are still developing, and still in the infancy/toddler survival mode (meaning, "me me me me me").
Maybe you are having a hard time because this little boy isn't yours. Remember though, he can't help who his father is. He didn't ask to be brought into this world, and didn't ask for a douchebag parent. You knew about him, and knew that he was a package deal with his mommy. Seven is not an easy age when your parents aren't together, and most other friends have a mommy and a daddy. It can get confusing for the little guy. And it can be very hurtful when he sees mommy making a family with some man who doesn't even like him, and he is feeling left out. Just put yourself in his shoes for a minute, and think about how he feels.
How about trying to spend some time with this child to find out what he likes. Suggest things for him. Motorcycles? Knives? Cars? You're in the military, and you have a lot at your disposal to shape him into a man one day, but for now, your little buddy. Maybe he'd like tanks or civil war cannons. Dogs? Dinosaurs? The boy needs a daddy. You are there.
Obviously you have A LOT of
Obviously you have A LOT of resentment towards the father of this boy, and I think you also resent the boy just for being there because he isn't yours and he is a reminder that your wife was with someone before you. This is something especially hard to handle when you are younger and in a relationship.
I think the problem is in a way more with you than the kid. However, tell your wife that if she expects him to be treated as part of the family then you will treat him and discipline him the same that you do your girls, AND STICK TO THAT. Don't punish him any differently than you would if it was one of your daughters behaving the same way. You don't have anything in common with a 7 year old? Now, that's a shocker. What do you have in common with a 3 and 1 year old? I doubt you still chew on your hands or walk around with stuffed animals under you arm and sleep with a night light. You aren't looking for something that you and the boy can find in common. Like the previous poster said, try dinosaurs or dogs or maybe try to get him involved in a team sport like soccer or pee wee football. Maybe just sit down with him and ask him flat out what he likes and try to get involved in some of the things he wants to do.
Don't expect him to be interested what a grown man is, and DON'T take out the resentment you have on his mother and father for having a child before you came along on him. It's not his fault he was born, and he just needs someone there for him.
I am sure that is part of it,
I am sure that is part of it, thankfully, this is supposed to be a spot to vent too correct? Yes, it is rough that he isn't mine, yet I provide everything for him. Yes I have something against the father, only that he doesn't pay child support(wife will get a few bucks here and there) and he say's that it's my job to support him. So yes, I am sure there is a lot of tension rising from that. Yes, we have a few things in common here and there, it's just rough, but we don't know why. I guess that's why I ultimately came here, just for the help on how to fix it all. Nothing in could have prepped me for being a step parent.. I didn't know it would be so difficult, and for the sake of my wife and kids I would like to know how to fix it.
It's rough when I get on here and read all these stories.. parents giving their step kids everything under the son, love, care... everything.. just to be crapped on in the end. How bad things can get, and most of these on here seem pretty bad... I just see it being a very rough number of years ahead... I need to figure out how to manage it.
It doesn't have to be a rough
It doesn't have to be a rough few years. You could be like Rags, and actually be this little boy's father. My own ex husband does not support my kids. He even got $0 child support ordered, because he is an expert at playing the system. My husband's ex wife does not support her kids, though we have custody. She won't even get a job. Too much effort.
That leaves my husband to help me raise and support my 4 kids, and me to help my husband support and raise his 4 kids. We have 8 kids in the house, with no help from the absent parents. Yes it's hard. Yes I hate that my step kids have the same looks and mannerisms as their whore mother. I'm sure my husband hates that my kids look a lot like my asshole ex husband (small community, we all knew each other before our divorces). But we have to make it work. I don't always like his kids, and he doesn't always like mine. But we made a commitment, and we have to be there for each other and for these kids.
Find things you can do as a family, and don't punish the little guy for what he can't help. And just pray that one day, he will learn to appreciate that he does have a daddy in you. It can work. It's not all horror stories.
And by all means, vent here. But be ready to have someone keep you in check if it seems like you're not thinking straight. Hell, look at the situations we are all in. We ALL need that. Kids, step kids, spouses, and ex's will drive you crazy if you don't have someone to stop and say 'hey, wait a minute.... look at it this way.'
Yes, you're right and I
Yes, you're right and I appreciate it. I couldn't imagine 4 and 4 from previous marriages, that's quite a handful. Even like you said, the differences with looks and everything else, it makes it tough.. like when we go out, and we are ALL blonde hair blue eyes, and he is brown eyed brown hair, like people just know, and I guess it gets to me. Like I can't even just pretend he is my own kid. Especially when I try to make him happy, toys, gifts, vacations, foods, all kinds of things, yet it never adds up to the card he gets from his dad. When I am the one doing EVERYTHING to support this boy, and it seems like the asshole gets all the credit and gets adored and is the role model in my step sons eyes. It just isn't fair that I do the work so he gets the rewards...
I read this one after I
I read this one after I posted, but I wanted to comment here. First off, no, it's not fair. Life isn't fair. The earlier you learn that, the happier you will be. It's not fair that this little boy doesn't get to live with his dad and mom. He doesn't understand adult issues. All he knows is his world was ripped apart. It's sort of the same thing we do when people die...put them on a pedestal and only remember good things.
You have choices here. You can be the adult and good parent to SS...you will get the rewards, but they will come much later. When you grow him into a good man, he will love and appreciate you. He will know what you did for him. As he gets older, he'll see his bio-dad for what he is. Right now, he's just a little boy that has experienced a huge loss. Like somebody else said, try to put yourself in his little shoes. You have an opportunity to make a big impact on his life!
It's not fair. Life sucks.
It's not fair. Life sucks. But the boy will get older, and will lose the 'biodaddy=god' thing eventually. Believe me. Took a while for my kids, and my younger two are still on the fence. But the older two kids (ages 13 and 12) know their biofather for what he really is, and frankly, can't stand the man. I let him do it to himself. Even warned him that the kids were going to grow up against him if he kept up his antics, which he did, and I was right.
As for my skids... they still idolize their mother, who is a major POS. Hell yes it hurts, that I'm working my ass off to raise her kids, while she is sitting there with no kids in the house, no job, able to go hiking and swimming and dancing and whatever the hell she wants to do, whenever the hell she wants to do it. And her husband and mother are providing all the finances for her. Yet, the kids think she's Goddess. She's wonderful. They see nothing wrong with her being a bum (the Judge's words, not mine), and living off of people. Or not providing them with anything. When DH told them mama needs to get a job and help out (was not the best thing to say, but there's a story behind it of course), they said "Well RaeRae doesn't work!"
WTF kids?? RaeRae is raising eight freakin kids, for God's sake! Nevermind that I was/am working many hours from home so I can make dinner and help with homework and actually be there for all these kids.
I feel ya. But still, it's not their fault. They won't realize things till their older.
It's normal to not have the
It's normal to not have the same bond with your SS as you do with your bio-kids. It doesn't mean a bond can't develop. You are in a unique step position where it sounds like you can parent your SS. You and your wife have to first agree on how you want to parent ALL the kids. If your styles differ dramatically, you're going to have trouble even with bio kids.
Give the little guy a chance. Maybe go do things one-on-one with him. You may find that he acts totally different when he has you alone and you're doing something fun. That will give you something to build on. Kids are very perceptive, and he could be acting out because he feels your animosity. I believe in rules and structure, but remember they are children and not military. Try sitting down with SS and just talking to him. Explain that you don't like some of his bad behaviors. I've been reading some posts about positive reinforcement really having good results. That would be win/win.
You are the father figure to this child. Show him what a good, loving father looks like so he can learn how to be one! And please do come here to vent...you get it off your chest and not at your family. You are not alone!
If your wife wants you two to
If your wife wants you two to have a relationship, she needs to let you parent how you parent your girls. Otherwise, she just drives a wedge.
If she isn't letting you parent then disengage. When you put yourself in the equation, you become the outlet for what is wrong. Let her parent, when she is ready to let you do things your way (like you do with the children you have with her) then you can reengage.
You know what, sometimes you have nothing in common with a skid. Its ok. I have nothing in common with SD. When she is acting properly, I don't mind chatting with her about school friends or playing a game of tennis. Otherwise, I don't care much for her personality or how she behaves towards people.
You may have this with your skid. Or you may find that one thing in common and that's what works.
Right now though, having your wife criticize what you do with him just makes any interactions with him negative. So you think, why bother?