SS13 dumps blended family after 8 years
I'm feeling so hurt and confused and like a lioness ready to protect her cubs. After 10 years of giving my SS13 all the love and support and family values that I could we have been shafted because "I like living up there". There is 1hr away, but it wasn't always.
Originally BM and DH lived 3hours and 2 hours away, respectively. BM made the decision to move 3hours away 10 years ago when SS13 was 2. My opinion she never really wanted children, she went back to work 5 days after he was born! But since she realised I was involved it has been nothing but a hate campagne against me. Jealously like you wouldn't believe. After my DH and I finally married (after numerous proposals and palm offs while I tried to wieght up what I was doing and buying into)DH copped the "oh I didn't think you would move on so fast". She was out drinking 'n livin' it up while DH was at home with 'the boy' while teething etc. I believe DH, as I have known him for a while now and know his 'lies' and the 'tells'. I have also had confirmation from those that were around at the time. Proof of his story was the fact that a few years after we were married the 'gay' friend that she was going out with when DH was at home with SS is now her husband!
After we got married ( I was 25 DH 28) we had DS7 10months later and a career move for me. After 12mths of commutting for 1.5 - 2 hrs a day we made the move. Since then we have had DS5. The 5 of us were I thought a happy blended fam. with the normal blended fam hiccups along the way. What I have copped is the backstabbing 'wicked SM' tag for the last 7years if not more. And the lies SS13 has told us..false promises and finally the kick in the guts, when DS7 and DS5 know no different 'it's her (BM) turn now'.
I'm so dirty, I have provided this child many oportunities spending thousands of $ to give him music drama sport with $6k over 10 years support from BM. How can a kid just walk away from his 'family'? I'm confused, I know I've been bagged over the years but how can he do that to his brothers....Court order SS lives with DH.....but if he doesn't want to be here, he says he does & then when she rings and says what she does we get dumped...I think she says that if he doesn't live with her she won't see him at all.
The Crux of it a family of 5 gets pulled apart. I love him but don't trust him now! I look at him and really don't want him around my DSs. I think they (DS's) will get over it quicker if we just cut all ties but then I still care about him (even thou I have been the but of his BM and his backstabbing) & what do I do about DH. I don't want my marriage to go down the gurgler due to a manipulative SS.
You can bet he thinks he will
You can bet he thinks he will get less discipline etc...but don't be surprised if you find him back because the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence.
He is looking for an easier
He is looking for an easier lifetyle and less supervision. Plain as the nose on your face.
However as you have invested a lot of time ands money into the lad I suspect he will realise that being left alone with no food and no idea when his mother will be back (for example) and realising he is not the priority in her life will make him rethink his 'options'.
Let him go. Wish him well. Tell him that he can reassess the situation in 1 yrs time. This means if he decides after 2 months he wants to live with you guys he doesn't get that option.
Allowing the kids to shuffle from one parent to the other as the mood fits is doing them a disservice. When my 2 younger kids wanted to live with their dad in Australia for a 'while' I told them they had to stay there for 2 years. No too-ing and fro-ing. You want to choose, OK. But no changing your mind. Practically to the DAY my daughter was back. My son stayed for anoyther 3 yrs and is a good boy. But my daughter did not want to stay there anymore.
My OSS was allowed to run and hide out at his Mommas House whenever he crossed swords with his Dad. Consequently he has been back here to even visit about 10x in 3 years. We live 3 miles from DHs ex.Whatever. He got into serious trouble with the police and is now pretty much screwed. Lost his college scholarship due to failing grades and drinking and drugs. And now he wants to buy a car and get it insured with our ins company. Sorry, you are 19 and can apply on your own. After all, you make your own decisions about your plans etc. He is facing HEFTY premiums due to 1x DUI, 2X speeding tickets, 2 X moving violations, 2x accidents in the last 3 yrs. If his mother had told him he has to stay at his father's place and he had to work things out like aman instead of giving him a place to hide thenI doubt half this crap would have happened.
I am slowly starting to learn
I am slowly starting to learn that in a blended family, there are a lot of hidden issues, the babymama can essentially do what she wants, and the kids suffer. I'm somewhat in your position, let him go and worry about the family that you and your husband have built together. More people do not deserve to suffer because of one selfish child.
I am a child of divorce, so I understand how hard it can be. But there comes a time when a child knows right from wrong. Let him go. I feel your pain.
Thanks for the feedback. When
Thanks for the feedback.
When it was first happened we were gutted as we were denied contact for at least 2 months nearly 3, all contact, even when my DS7 try to talk SS13 BM put SS and DS on speaker phone because 'it was dangerous'.
He is home for the holidays (was one week but he wanted to stay for 2, BM isn't in a position to argue) and you can tell that he absolutely loves his brother's and spending time with them. We can enforce the order but...there is always that but...
I think you are right and I will certainly try to find the book 'Stepmonster' and I know we have given a good foundation and I pray he will see the light sooner rather than later.
I think he will regret the decision when he is older and realises the oportunities that he has passed on now, i.e. the choice of school and the oportunities we could/would have provided and will provide for his brother's, the relationship he has passed on with them and when his bedroom gets renovated...or is that taking it too far?
I go to bed each night and pray that he will see the way back sooner rather than later as we have never denied him contact with BM in fact we have always encouraged regular contact, never said nasty or untrue things about her.
It's not really my relationship I'm concerned about, it's that with his Dad and his Brothers that I feel sorry for. From my experience men don't get over things easily and they certainly don't forget rejections. I have seen my DH slide into depression so I know I've got to get over myself and get back to concentrating on 'my family'.