SS disengaging from me too. How to handle it?
Hi again.
So after my last post I decided to disengage from SS completely. When he is with me during the day I still take care of his basic needs and still take him with me if I am going somewhere with my baby, but as far as parenting him or indulging him that is not my job so I have stopped. I am still grieving my own biokid and don't have anything left in me emotionally for SS.
SS is smart enough to realize this. I feel bad because this is not his fault. As I mentioned in my previous post, I think this is my dhs fault for not planning ahead and putting us in a position where SS is stuck with someone who just lost a child. I cannot bond with SS at this moment. I don't want to. Also my parenting style is very different. SS doesn't shower on a regular basis, eats a tons of junk food , stays up until very late playing video games, etc. This stuff bothers me and I would never allow such a thing, but he is not my biokid so I am forced to ignore.
Anyway, SS now is vocal about not wanting me around. If dh asks if I am coming along somewhere with them, SS replies for me "no". I know it's immature to allow a child to upset me. He is 10, for Christ's sake! I just then sheepishly say "guess I am not going lol". I just feel like I am not wanted and dh is stuck in the middle. He makes a lot of little comments about me that I believe are disrespectful and that lets me know he dislikes me.
How would you handle this? Sorry if this is a dumb question , but this whole thing is such a sensitive topic for me. I don't want to ruin my marriage over this. I want to handle it diplomatically. I thought disengaging would be a nice solution but now I am stuck with a kid who is vocal about not liking me very much.
not dumb
You don't have to put up with outright disrespect. Say something to him at that moment, calmly. Turn it into a question. If he refuses to go somewhere because you are going you can always just say "i'm sorry that you do not want to go, i was hopign we could have some fun together" and go.
But that's a lie?
But that's a lie?
Shes disengaged which means she doesn't want to have fun with the child? She doesn't want to interact with him any more than she absolutly must. Sure the child is disrespectful but he's also expessing himself. It's a frustarting situation to be rejected by an adult.
Have you tried
explaining what is going on to your SS? I mean, he is 10, not 2. And previously you had a good relationship. He came back to a home where the step brother he was close to had passed away and he is grieving, the stepmom he was previously close to no longer wanted him around due to grieiving, and he sounds confused so he is reacting like any 10 year old would "Well, if she doesn't want me around then I don't want her around." Disrespect is never okay but that is a symptom of the larger issue. The larger issue being that no one communicates!
"Hey kiddo. I want you to know that you are not unwanted. Stepmom is having a rough time right now because X passed away. I would still like to do fun things with you and your dad. Is there anything you would like to talk about? Do you understand why I might be upset right now?" And then either you or dad address his grief as well as the disrespect.
My SS had almost no contact
My SS had almost no contact with my biokid. SS lives out of state and only comes during summers. The past 2 years my SS spent most of the summers with grand parents because biokid was sick, dh was working and I spent a lot of time at St. Judes and Houston for treatment. So no, SS was not attached to my biokid at all . If anything he resents us for diverging dad's energy and focus.
I know that's a lot for a kid to understand and I don't expect him to. I resent my dh for not handling this better and putting me in an impossible situation. I have tried to do fun things with SS this summer . He complains it's too hot and all he wants to do is play video games . . I appreciate your tips though and like having a place where I can at least vent. I feel like SM can never say anything or they are labeled as evil.
appreciate your tips, though.
Your DH and you need to react
Your DH and you need to react to his request with appal in order for him to know it's not right to act like that. Next time he says that, say "Don't you ever talk about me like that again. That is disrespectful and we don't behave like that in this house." Period. You don't need to reason with him.
Also he's not disengaging
Also he's not disengaging from you. He's actually engaging you by trying to exclude you and upset you.
He's recognized that he's not
He's recognized that he's not wanted. He's engaging her in that fact. He doesn't want her around for fun things becuase clearly it won't be fun. He want's time with his dad and if she's around then he'll be pushed out.
Look directly at him and say
“Please do not speak for me. I’ll go if I want to go somewhere with my husband.” And stare his 10 year old butt down until he looks away first.
I’m sorry you’re going through this! Your heart must be breaking into a million pieces. You are not putting your husband in the middle...he put himself there by UNREASONABLY thinking that you would be the primary caregiver of his son this summer, regardless of current circumstances. I just want to give you a hug.
If you can speak directly with SS about this as the poster above said, do it. Even if it means you show emotion about losing your son while telling him that he wouldn’t understand unless he was a parent, tell him. Your husband sounds useless... like why wouldn’t HE empathize and tell his own son why you’re acting the way you are?! Men and their complete head-in-assedness. Blows my mind.
Absolutely not dumb.
Absolutely not dumb.
First, take a zero tolerance stance on disrespect from SS-10. The next time he answers for you immediately reply "Young man, you will not answer for me. Since you have overstepped, you can stay home and your dad, the baby and I will go." Lather, rinse, repeat.
10yo is old enough to spend an hour or two home alone. Since he wants time away from you.. .give him his wish. He can spend his time away from you completely alone while you and your DH and your baby spend time together.
I forecast that it will take no more than twice of you confronting him and applying this age appropriate very meaningful consequence before he cuts that crap out. Quit being a shrinking violet with this kid. Be assertive.
My condolences on the loss of your child.
Take care of you.