So many issues I'm ready to give up
Hi, I'm new here and at the end of my rope...
I have 3 kids of my own with my ex, DD13, DS11 and DS9. My 11yr old has severe autism/severe learning disability. His functioning is around 2-3 yrs in life skills but around 1 yr in communication, but he is a big strong boy with raging hormones so already I have my hands full.
I have been in a relationship for almost 2 yrs. He also has 3 kids aged 10, 8 and 5, 2 girls and 1 boy. It has been tricky from the start. There has never been a set schedule with his ex for visitation, so when it suits her. Last minute changes were common and there were many broken dates with me etc. Around a year ago my new partner moved in with me. No discussion about money etc, he came to stay a few days and never left... :jawdrop: I find his kids very difficult. They are very demanding, always asking for junk food, money or toys, taking my kids' things without asking, breaking things, shouting and screaming at each other, refusing to sleep in the beds allocated to them, very fussy eaters (eldest is very underweight), telling exaggerated tales behind my back to their dad...while he and his ex expect me to drive the kids back and forward for visitation (with no notice) and she has the cheek to ask me for lifts out of my way (neither of them have a car) and even asked me to babysit for her at her house. My partner also expects me and my kids to do nothing unless his kids are invited too, and that's when his kids aren't even here. We are expected to wait until they are. He wanted me to bring his youngest girl when I went shopping for bras and first period supplies for my DD "so she could experience it" at age 7... :?
Money is also an issue. My partner is not good with money. In fact he is reckless. He lost his job recently so isn't contributing to living costs here. He also has a problem with alcohol and until recently, he was drinking heavily during the day when his kids were here (mine were with their dad). He was leaving me to feed them, get them washed and dressed and deal with everything, while attempting to shield them from his condition. I tried to tell his ex but that resulted in her screaming insults at me and telling him an exaggerated version of what I had said. On a positive note it seems to have resulted in him no longer drinking heavily around his kids, unfortunately he had a day long binge last week in front of mine. 
I think I know there's no way out of this doomed situation, but I have no one to talk to about it. Thanks for reading. 
Frickin' ditch the lot of
Frickin' ditch the lot of them.
You appear to managing both SO, his exDW & their three children's lives quite nicely. You are flexible, ethical and fiscally responsible. They appear to graciously permit you to support them. You are the flop-house, babysitter and free-banker/ATM ...
What about your son? How is all this chaos helping him to maximize his "best-self?" What are you teaching your bio-kidlets that they will carry forward into their own lives?
Run. If you're scared ... keep posting. If you don't know the how/where/when of extracting yourself & your kids from this situation ... keep posting.
Evict your boyfriend and his children and the presence of his exDW. Figure out some way to protect your 3 kids and get the heck out of this situation.
You are a very kind and
You are a very kind and gentle heated person, I can tell by your post. You want to help and you feel good when you can, you are willing to bend over backwards for people. Unfortunately, those of us (me included) who are this understanding towards others get taken advantage of by USERS. Your partner may very well have feelings for you but what will happen if you draw boundaries? He started just staying there without anything being discussed and intow comes his children for you to care for. I made this same mistake.
This person you are living with has a responsibility to his children to provide for them financially and emotionally, that is his responsibility. It is his ex's responsibility to do the same, it is not yours. You might say, "but they won't do it." Then you have to examine this situation. Your bf has to meet you half way and vise vesa, you cannot do all this yourself. his is a matter of respect for you, not just from bf and his ex but the respect you should have for yourself.
You have allowed this for a year but do not keep allowing it. That means sitting with your bf and finding out how he plans to care for his children and holding him accountable for what he promises. That also means you setting limits and boundaries, taking care of yourself and seking what you want from this. Right now it seems to me that you are being walked on and that will not stop til you stop it.
^^Nicely done^^ Clear,
^^Nicely done^^ Clear, thoughtful, helpful advice. I'm not as nice when I say to 'turf the lot,' but AVR1962 has a compassionate perspective.
From your details I can see
From your details I can see you are not in the USA. You're closer to my part of the world.
Does your partner pay anything in rent? If he doesn't, he has no rights to live in your house. Go to see someone at the local CAB if you want proper advice.
I'd get rid of him straight away.
Think about what his behaviour is teaching your children. Your DD is learning that its ok for a man to treat her badly and you DS is learning that this is how women can be treated. This can't be what you want for them.
I know its scary but this man is not good for you.
This is something that might
This is something that might help on the rights (or limited rights) your partner in regards to staying at your house. I'd argue strongly that week long benders are proof of unreasonable behaviour.
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/re...
He has overstayed his
He has overstayed his welcome, it's time for him and his brats to go.
He has absolutely no respect for you, you are being used by him, his kids, and his ex.
Please get them out of your house and away from your kids.
Just out of curiosity, where was he living before he invaded your home?
Hi, OP here. Thanks everyone
Hi, OP here.
Thanks everyone for your kindness and support.
A few more details in response to some of your comments: I'm in the UK, he doesn't pay any rent but when he was working he contributed to other bills, albeit sporadically. In other words, if one of his kids had a birthday or school trip, or there was a "great deal" on a gadget somewhere, I went without that week. He has only worked for about 7 months of the time we have been together. Before he moved in here, he had his own place. In fact, he has been subletting it to friends on and off (without permission from the landlord), so technically, he still lives there. I suspect he has let the rent go into arrears since he lost his job.
Recently (a few days ago), I decided to put a stop to my own stupid behaviour. I refused him money for alcohol. I refused to be taxi to his kids and ex anymore. I refused to compromise my plans with my kids and for my own free time in order to accommodate him and his. I stated that I need to focus on my own mental and physical health and the needs of my own kids, and let him and his ex deal with their kids themselves. I needed the time when my kids are with their Dad to do things for myself. He has agreed to all of this but I am not convinced it will last. There are still so many issues with the kids and the exW's expectations. And the drinking....
And I am scared to let go....
And I am scared to let
And I am scared to let go
Love yourself and your kids more. They don't deserve to be in this environment.
FallingOffTheEdge, ask
FallingOffTheEdge, ask yourself why you are afraid to let go. Is it because you have 3 children and think other men won't want o become involved with a woman with children? Do you want the companionship? All understandable but take a deeper look at the picture here. You have mentioned drinking....do you want your children growing up with this example in their lives?
Have you considered telling him he needs to go back to his own place, find his own way to meet the past debt? You have become intangled and its going to take a bit to release yourself but it really sounds like this situation is not good for you or your children.
I'll admit I enjoy the
I'll admit I enjoy the companionship. My exH was very introverted and abrupt with poor social skills, total opposite of my current partner. I got caught up in the excitement of meeting someone who could meet my need for emotional intimacy. He also hid the drinking very well. He still does.
I know this is not right for me and my kids.
I know that its great to have
I know that its great to have companionship but as you say this isn't the right guy for you. You can meet someone better.
I was just thinking that maybe you could take the equivalent amount of money you were giving to him and save it for something fun for you and the kids. Or maybe some respite care for your middle child so you and the other two could have a little break? Or how about an activity you've always wanted to try that could allow you meet other extraverts?
I haven't given him any money
I haven't given him any money since he lost his job, I have refused. I have taken care of the household bills as they are in my name and its my house. I have actually been putting money aside to treat my kids but I am nervous about SO's reaction that I am choosing to do thing with my kids while excluding his. Skids come over on Friday morning, I am spending the day out with my kids finishing off back to school shopping; I am actually taking my kids out for lunch and to see a movie as well....Saturday when mine are with their Dad, I'm booked in for a spa day....
I have arrived at the other side, I think. I am doing what suits me and my kids, they can put up or leave.
A few days ago I was going to
A few days ago I was going to update this thread with some positivity. I was going to say how BF had sorted out his finances and was about to contribute a set amount weekly, how he was only having a few beers a few times a week and no benders, and he was planning for a more secure financial future for all of us. Like, I said....that was a few days ago.
Yesterday I met a friend for coffee. When I returned he reeked. I then went on the school run, when I returned he was slurring his speech and stumbling. He was loud and obnoxious around the kids and the house stunk with booze fumes. I got the kids out of his way and thankfully he went to bed. A switch in me flipped and I called my exH. I told him what had happened. He was due to work late but he made arrangements to come pick the kids up as soon as he could. Meanwhile, BF got up and started messing around with the kids again. I was never so glad to see my exH.....
This morning I went out early to watch my youngest son's team practice. When I came home I said calmly...."that was quite a binge you had yesterday. I can't have someone slurring and stumbling around drunk in front of my kids. That's why they went to their dad's. They don't want to come home." That was it. He got up and left....
You deserve better and your
You deserve better and your kids don't deserve his crap. You did the right thing.
Thanks, I feel so emotionally
Thanks, I feel so emotionally battered but I did what I had to do. I am relieved I no longer have to deal with this, his kids and their mother as well, they are a really messed up family; one girl is a bully, another a sneaky snitch and the young boy is a total thug in the making. Add in an alcoholic dad and mentally unstable BM..... :jawdrop:
I won't lie, I'm heart broken it turned out this way but hope I have learned something from this experience and can move forward positively. My kids are coming home from their dad's in a few hours and I can't wait.
Kick this dildo to the curb
Kick this dildo to the curb and get one that runs on batteries!
I knew that I "bookmarked"
I knew that I "bookmarked" you for a reason. Cyber {{hugs}}.
Stay true to yourself, however it evolves. Don't worry about the internet or social media feedback. You've got children that look to you for safety, for kindness, for nurturing, for the modeling of healthy relationships.
Your middle one, ... oh, I wish that you were on my side of the Pond. No cures, no fixes but I absolutely get the fact that you have a healthy young male bursting with energy & hormones & ... a disconnect of intellect and social ability.
Extending the offer of a cup of coffee if you ever get to Colorado.