Single Girl to SM of 4 - HELP!
I've never really identified myself with a group of step-parents before and since this is still pretty new to me I guess I'll just put it all out there.
I'm 25 and my fiance is 31. I have been with my fiance now for about two and a half years. He has four children from a previous (dysfunctional) marriage. An almost-8 year-old girl, a girl who just turned 6 and 4 year-old twin boys whose birthday just passed. They had lived with their BM for a long time far from where their dad was. She is a pretty immature, selfish person who treated them poorly when paying attention to them at all and mostly ignored medical, educational and emotional needs. In March 2010 they came to live with us. We had only been living together about 8 months after an otherwise bi-coastal relationship, but only the last two weeks of it were in a non-shared living situation. BM is mostly uninvolved (great for us, sucks for the kids) but when she is it's nothing but drama. However, she is not my biggest struggle.
While I did have three younger brothers growing up and have worked a lot with kids, I have none of my own. My mother (and many others) told me I was too young to take on 4 young children but I thought I could handle it. Their dad works a lot which leaves me as the primary caregiver since I left my job in preparation for them moving in. There have definitely been some challenges along the way and each kid has their own issues to deal with but a lot of it has smoothed out along the way. One situation has not.
I have a really hard time with the oldest. I know I'm not supposed to say it but I think I just don't like her. We are able to spend time alone and I can enjoy her company but when there is a task or homework or something finite, I have no patience for her. I find so many things about her to be extremely frustrating even though I know she is by definition a great kid. Well-mannered, hard-working in school (even a bit of a brown-noser but that's good in 2nd grade) and she tries to be good to her siblings. A lot of her affection or kindness comes off insincere but we can't figure out if it actually is or she just never properly learned how to express honest affection. Her dad loves her, of course, since she is his oldest and for him one of the only positive things to come out of an otherwise traumatic relationship. He and everyone else thinks she's just wonderful. Even if I can cognitively acknowledge those things, I just can't feel it. I feel like I'm lying when I say "I love you too" after she says she loves me. I want to cringe when she asks for a hug. She views me as her mother and calls me that to other kids so it makes me feel even worse as the adult in the situation to not be able to reciprocate that. I don't have this problem feeling close and maternal with any of the other kids.
Sometimes I lose control of it. I yell at her more than the other kids. I speak harsher to her. I never actually hit her put I will grab her or pull her. I hate myself when I'm doing it but I just feel overwhelmed by aggression. I know if their dad was home even just the way I sometimes speak to her would really upset him. I feel like he is far more patient and a much better parent than I am, even aside from his biological advantage. Don't get me wrong, I'm not all awful. We do spend quality time together, play, laugh and relate positively. I just don't know if the intensity of the intermittent bad times outweighs the generally good family dynamic we all have.
I have tried to analyze it on my own. I mean, she does look the most like their BM. And as the oldest she would have been aware of the most in their previous situation and felt most attached to their mother. Maybe I'm jealous? My fiance and I had always thought the kids would ultimately be with us but neither of us thought it was so soon and I definitely wish we had more time to just be us. I still am aware at times of how much easier life or our relationship would be if it were still just us. That's normal though sometimes, right? I can't find anything to explain why I feel so extremely different toward her sometimes. We always refer to them as "our" kids but with her it just doesn't feel right. I have looked for resources on how to deal with or overcome this feeling but I haven't found much. I can't talk to my fiance about it without deeply hurting him. So maybe someone out there can relate and at least let me know I'm not a horrible person?
Even if not, it does feel helpful just to put it out there.
I can only give you good
I can only give you good advice. Move on! You are too young to be playing mommy to these kids. I have been married twice with stepkids and no kids of my own; I was also primary care giver in the first marriage to my stepson. Its not so much about the kids, its just not an ideal situation and if my older self could advise my younger self then I would tell her to walk away from the situation, because its just so incredibly overwhelming and the husband will not understand you or your feelings and will be resentful if he thinks you are not doing every single thing in their best interest!
You nailed it on the head
You nailed it on the head that is exactly how I feel! I am not alone, I try to be understanding, and caring.I try not to react, but in my case my ss just pushes me over the edge.
Thank goodness I only have two. My heart goes out to you with 4! I hope you have some support and help. I can not imagine doing it with out it. The other thing is, IS this what you really want? You have no kids of your own, correct? Your only 25, being tied down with four kids that aren't yours is asking ALOT! Heck one is alot! Would your DH want any more kids? These are things you need to think about before it becomes harder to untangle yourself. I know that feel I sometimes feel resentful of his kids, when they act as if I owe them something.
You should not be acting as
You should not be acting as primary caregiver. It's just not the best thing for the kids or for you. The oldest child (well all of them) have been thru alot-bm was primary caregiver (not a very good one) and then they have to move and YOU become primary caregiver-what a difficut adjustment for her. And you. You now have 4 kids identifying you as their "mom" and expecting mom things out of you and yet you all dont have the mother-child bond. Their father really needs to find a new job in which he can be the primary caregiver for his children and you can assist him and support him as needed.
This might be impossible if
This might be impossible if the father makes six figures a year - to raise 4 children is very expensive and since it sounds like the BM is a loser I am sure she is not paying CS - so he probably can not "just up and find a new job as much as you would like him to be the primary caregiver - the world does not work that way - lets be realistic here for a moment - he may make good money and if he quits the OP may not be able to make enough to cover what he would be losing in his new job where he then could be the caregiver.
Good luck OP - I could not imagine having to raise 4 children of someone else's and be the primary caregiver - I too was the primary caregiver when my SS lived with us Full Time - I worked the PM shift four days a week and my husband worked a lot of hours because he had a very demanding job but he made good money and since our BM paid no CS as well we needed the money!! Just make sure that you have a chance to have some time to your self and that you have some help with babysitting if you need - you need to take care of you because if you are sick then the household cannot run properly!!!