Should I stay or should I go?
Thank goodness I found this site! I have been reading posts and don't feel quite alone but am desperately in need of help.
I have three daughters, 2 are grown (27 & 30) the other is 10. They have never had a father around (whole other story) - I have been in a relationship with what I thought was a terrific guy for almost 4 years - we split for 6 months in Februaury due to his lies about getting his kids and the ex wife communication! He has three daughters - 15, 10 & 7. The oldest can't stand me or my 10 year old and I have requested she not come to "our" home any longer due to her resentment and treatment of my 10 year old.
So onto the story and questions. My BF's realtionship with the ex is not good at all - he "says" he hates her and he has been divorced for almost 4 years. He was supposed to get his kids every other weekend - however he works retail and can't always take them the entire weekend so he does the best he can. I can't stand this woman because she acts like the puppeteer and he is her puppet. She "allows" him to see his kids when she needs a sitter not when he is supposed to get them so we can never plan anything. He will take the kids whenever she says just so he can see them and he doesn't care if it interferes with our plans. When his kids are here he goes and watches TV or naps or just leaves and I am here with them. He got angry because I wasn't up to greet them when they came in last night (I work, go to school 3 nights a week and take care of my 80 yr old aunt). Today is the only day I don't have to be somewhere first thing in the morning and both he and his kids are loud so I had to get up. I am sorry to say I am a bit angry and that is turning me into a bitter person because I just don't understand why he can't see things the way I see them. When I talk to others and tell them they seem to.
My question is this - If his ex plans things for the kids on "his" weekends do we have to reschedule our lives to accomodate her by taking the kids whenever SHE wants us to? I think for everyone we should try to stick to a schedule so everyone knows whats going on but both he and his ex thinks its just fine to leave me out of the loop until the last minute.
The second question is - Am I wrong to think he should spend time interacting with the kids while they are here? I become the maid, cook and I get so angry.
He states I don't like his kids and now we are having problems because of the lies, ex wife, and so on. It's not that I don't like his kids - I don't like the DRAMA that surrounds getting them.
HELP -
I really can not believe how
I really can not believe how many of us even think that we have to automatically assume the role of babysitter, maid, driver and even breadwinner for these lazy fathers just because we date or marry them!!!! I know I did it for years. How I wish that they had a forum such as this back when I was going through this!!!
Of course your BF should spend time with his own children if he says they can come over. YOUR BF is the only one that is responsible for spending time with them. YOU are not responsible for anything to do with HIS children. YOUR BF should be feeding them, entertaining them, correcting them if necessary, and cleaning up after them. THIS IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY - do not do it unless you want to. IF your BF slips off to watch tv and the skids get in a fight or they are hungry send them to interupt their dad's tv show or run an errand with your own child leaving the skids in the house with dadddddyyy. Have them wake him up if he is sleeping!
Do NOTHING for the steps unless you WANT to (or need to - to preserve your own property) and he asks nicely and does not assume you will pick up HIS slack. If BF still doesn't get it, hire someone else to come in to cook, clean and watch the steps when they are there and dad tries to dump it on you. Have the help ask BF for thier pay!!!
If BF does not have the courtesy of asking if his revised visitation schedule is okay with you even after you try one more time to enlighten him about how disrespectful this is to you then you may want to consider whether you really want to continue living with this lack of respect and inability to plan your own time.
With the hours you work and all that you have going on you need your downtime. Insist on it!!!!
THANK YOU for responding -
THANK YOU for responding - his ex is an attorney and of course because he wanted out to preserve his sanity divorce decree is a joke - the visitation says every other weekend but she does as she wants to. Her lifestyle is much more grand than ours and she is the type that thinks everyone should bow to her. I have asked continually for him not to "force" the kids down my throat but he thinks when they are here I should be the one taking care of everything and if everyone is going to watch a movie I should stop what I am doing and watch the movie with them. Unfortunately sitting still to watch a movie I do not care for is difficult at best!!!
This site is TERRIFIC and I wish I had found it before but so happy I found it now. I have poured over books and tried my best - I don't want to give up but don't know how much more I can take.
Keep the help coming on this because I certainly can use all I can get!
No you should not rearrange
No you should not rearrange you life for her...
and YES he should be making quality time with his children..
and my input..
No I would not marry him....
Had to add that as well...
Doesn't sound like the kind of life that will get better if you
BF can't get off the couch and spend time with his kids and if
he can't get his ex to stop walking on him... Maybe can't isn't the word....WON'T
GL
Hi my husband just left me
Hi
my husband just left me today for things he wished I should have done with his kids. Of course, like him I had an idea of a picture perfect family when I moved in with him. I realized that the more I learned about his ex, the more I dispised her. And of course at some point, I started having issues just seeing the kids as my husband's kids and not the result of her screwed up DNA, and it became so hard for me to let myself get attached to the poor kids that i started having panic attacks in my bedroom, and not being able to let them get attached to me.
I can tell you that what my husband wanted for his kids was the best. he wanted me to be part of his family, I could not get there, and he decided to get out of the relationship so he could be the best dad that he could instead of helping me out to become a stepmom.
So talk to your man about what his expectations are. I know that at the beginning i cleaned up after them a lot and I cooked all the time so he could spend more quality time with the kids. I started to despise the fact that i made myself his made, and talked to him about it. He did not expect me to do this, altough he did appreciate it.
Talk to him. About what you're willing to do, what you are expecting him to do. When I told him that they were his kids and that he should be the one spending time with them, he lost it (and never forgave me) because he idea of his family included me.
Good luck