I'm confused, you are the SM and you expressed concerns about your SS to BM? Then you told your DH that his son couldn't come back to your home until BM apologized?

Koroma,

unfortunately, this is the plight of the stepmother. All the grunt work and none of the glory. I don't think that you should take out your frustrations on SS. Try and learn to ignore BMs antics.

As far as SS's behavior goes, that's sounds like something that needs to be handled in-house. If he is acting out when he is at your house, it needs to handled at your house. If he's acting out at BM's, let her handle it her way.

You can make whatever rules you like at YOUR house, but you and DH HAVE to be ont he same page and present a united front.

I don't think it's fair to punish the child for the bio moms words. I'm sorry but I think your husband is right here, you can't control how she thinks/feels about you by punishing the son/father by controlling their time together.
You can insist your SS respect you and treat you well in your home, but IMO you don't have the right to deny visitation between the two-especially when it's about what the BM's thoughts are. Big overstep IMO.

Do you have SS every other week or just every other weekend? First off...If I was BM, I would have let you have it for telling me my son has issues. That would be the boys fathers job.

Your DH needs to be the one to control SS in your house. NOT BM.

PS, if my spouse told me that my kid could not come to my house because of his other parent, I would have told spouse to take a hike.

I don't think you have the right to ban him from your house unless he's a danger. This is dh's house too and ss is HIS kid. You don't have a right to forbid him from coming. In fact, it could get dh in trouble. Is his visitation court ordered? By banning ss and preventing the visitation from occuring you are going against court orders. Explain that to a judge, "sorry your honor, I never got an apology." Now obviously things need to be worked out between the adults but banning the child from his father is not the right thing.

You can't ban him from the house for something BM did. That is not fair. Also, you should not have any conversations with BM. That is what usually causes the problems. Let DH deal with her. As for disrespect to you in your home, that is something you husband addresses with SS. Not with BM. You don't have to take it, but their isn't much that will happen if your husband isn't on the same page. You will continue to beat your head against the wall.

Keep all contact with BM with DH. Not you. Things will be much easier if you never talk to her. Let the apology go, you will never get it and I don't think that is what matters here.

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!! You should not refuse to allow your skid to visit HIS FATHER'S HOME!! Yes, it is your home too, however the home is as much your DHs as yours and the manipulation you are attempting to play could very well end in the demise of your marriage.

I am the custodial StepParent in our blended family. I would not even attempt what you are doing. My wife and I agreed long ago that our marriage was our priority but that we would raise our son (my SS) together. However, if I attempted to do what you are doing to your DH I would fully expect that my key would not work the next time I came home from work.

If I were a BioParent with an XW and my second wife tried what you are trying I would be looking for wife #3. Not that I would put the child before my spouse, however, I would not tolerate the manipulation that you are perpetrating.

You are denying your husband time with his child because you are mad at the BM????? You are taking this out on a child because you are mad at the child's mother???????

:?

If your Skid speaks to you in a less than respectful manner in your home, punish him immediately.

I would not attempt to drag an appology out of a BM who is likely incapable of recognizing the need for an appology much less being adult enough to offer one.

I understand your hurt and frustration but I think you are missing the direction where your punishment is going. You are punnishing the child and playing directly in to the BMs manipulations.

IMHO of course.

Good luck and best regards,

Maybe have your H grow some balls and tell the psycho to piss off. Sorry, but psycho BM needs to be put in her place. We started to back off on visitation because my ex was being a pain in the A$$ and I was not going to let her ruin what ever time I have with my kids. I hope she finally gets the message that she needs to back off . I know my kids don't like it, but, if she sees that they want to spend time with me, maybe she will back down.

quit going above and beyond and be stone faced when the disrespectful brat shows up and don't acknowledge him when he speaks rudely to you! turn up the stereo or vacuum!

I agree 100% I also act like a mom to my sd and I would'nt like it if her or her mom disrespected me... your husband better man up and tell his x that you do so much for their son and she needs to be thankfull for that!!!

Your husband's ex-wife doesn't owe you an apology. She doesn't owe you anything at all. She didn't have a child with you. And she is under no obligation to co-parent with you. You overstepped when you went to her with your concerns.

I'm not suggesting that your concerns aren't completely valid. But you should have discussed them with your husband and allowed him to deal with his ex.

agree with rags!

I struggle with this - if the stepmom is good enough to care for the child, why is she not allowed to speak directly to the BM. I thought they were supposed to try to work together if possible? in theory anyway

I think to say the stepmom has no right to speak about a child in their care to that child's mom, is completely disrespectful to the step.

The only thing that 'rule' does is protect the BM from a response to the message they are apparently sending over via the child, 'ok to abuse non-custodial parent or step parent'? so they only have to answer the former spouse they are already divorced from, so maybe are used to getting around?

There are plenty on here who do not allow their stepchild in their house after things get bad enough, or set limits to visits, so (usually its) the dad goes to meet with the child somewhere else.

I don't want to talk to our BM, she is nuts but there are things she has said to me that make me not want to do things for my SD19, my decision being a direct result of BM insulting me - so refusal is a two-way street. Typical double standard. It is her own child she is actually hurting.

So if it is a rational BM, an apology to the stepmom would be completely worth it, if BM wants her child to get all it can from the relationship with the step. If the BM wants there to be problems, she will refuse to apologize, imo.