SD wants BD to visit her at ex wife's house?
This is my first post. I'm glad to have found other people in similar situations as I am to learn how to handle being an almost-SM. My FH has a 12yo daughter. I have a 14yo daughter and 8yo son. Our children get along well, with the exception of some bullying by the girls and some intentional annoying/tagging along by the boy. This would be normal, I suspect, even if it weren't a blended family. FH and I live together for almost 1 year now. I have custody of my BD (no relationship with her BF) and custody of my BS (but he spends a lot of time with his dad, as they have a great relationship). FH has typical every-other-weekend type visitation. His daughter really likes me, and my children like him, too. 
The good: Our daughters are really best friends. They adore one another, and want to spend as much time together as possible. I am so thankful for this! SD did not want to spend nights away from her BM for a long time after separation/divorce (4-5 years ago, finalized 2 years ago, before we met), but because of my BD's presence, she became willing to spend entire weekends, and enjoys it.
The bad: BM's house has little to no rules, child is allowed to surf the net unsupervised for hours, has online accounts that she's not actually old enough to have (myspace, youtube, etc.) that she posts very inappropriate things on and BM is oblivious, watches any movies/shows she likes (even R rated), uses horrible language (even the f-bomb) and has no training in ordinary manners like saying thank you or chewing with her mouth closed. I'm gradually working on the manners, and the language was addressed IMMEDIATELY, as I certainly don't want my children speaking that way! SD is very respectful to me, and complies with my requests, as she likes to please, but BM's position is that she should feel comfortable to talk as she pleases at home. Strange to me, but we each have the right to parent as we choose.
My problem is that SD wants BD to come visit her at "her house" (BM's house). At first, I thought that maybe this could be okay, if BM and I could develop a rapport and I could communicate what my rules for my daughter are. Tried going over to visit with BD one afternoon. They immediately went into a bedroom and closed the door to surf the internet. (In my home, computers are only allowed in common areas that allow supervision, and all have safety filtering software)BM and I sat in living room, and I was hoping to establish some sort of friendly relationship. Not possible. She went on rant after rant about how horrible my FH was, as if she were trying to warn me about what he'd do to me. I ignored it all, redirected the conversation to positives, and then she resorted to telling me details of their former intimate life! (graphic` details!) It was apparent that she just wanted to make me squirm, but I didn't let her see that any of it bothered me. In short, I don't trust her to supervise my daughter or to not be a bad influence, and am far too uncomfortable being around the ex to accompany my daughter for visits.
SD continues to ask for BD to come over, and even FH is trying to accommodate her wishes and saying maybe we could sit down with BM and explain the rules that have to be followed for BD, but I am just not comfortable with it. BM thinks my rules are ridiculous, and laughs at them when talking to FH. Am I wrong in being uncomfortable with my daughter spending time in my FH's ex wife's house? I tried to explain that if that were the home situation of any of my BD's school friends, I wouldn't allow her to visit them, either. They would be welcome in my home, though, as SD is at any time, even if it is not a "scheduled" time. But they want to hang out there. (Of course they do, they have freedom to do as they please) I've so far been able to "have things already planned" for BD and I when invitations are made, but they are frequent, and the "why can't I go/why can't she come?" questions are starting to be asked.
I know that it would be a terrible move as the SM-to-be to go and say, "because I don't approve of the parenting there" and don't want to undermine the good existing relationship, but "If you want to spend time together, you can do that with us, since we're both your parents and want to be able to spend time with you, too" doesn't seem to be working so well...
Advice?
Short answer, say no
Your daughter is 14. Explain what makes you uncomfortable. Is she strong enough to follow your guidelines when away from you? She'll probably pull the "you don't trust me." But them going to surf immediately makes me think that your BD is looking forward to some time "off the hook" ie away from supervision. They probably won't like you but the alternative is to cave and then know that they are running wild over there. Normal kid stuff, could happen with a friend, unfortunate it's complicated with family relationships.
Your BM sounds like the typical trashy type common on ST. Welcome. Graphic details, indeed. What a cow.
Don't do it.
There comes a time in a daughters life when you have to let her go. Hoping for the best and hoping that all you've taught her will see her through the pitfalls ahead.
That age is 18 and occasionally sooner. Normally its done a step at a time. First a afternoon movie with a boy. Then a day at the public beach. Then a supervised birthday party at a friends house with boys invited.
You're thinking of throwing your kid - at an age that is notorious for poor decision making - into this den of non-supervision? Why? Because the kids like each other? Not good enough.
You keep your kid out of there. No hard feelings - but NO!
*********************
There's an exception to everything I say.
Thanks, Lizzie
Thank you for the input. I'm new to all of this, so thought maybe I was being too strict or something. My daughter is VERY strong, and quick to voice her opinion, but in a situation where she would be being told by her 2.5 years younger SS and the BM that "those rules are ridiculous" and possibly be coaxed to spend more time there "where you can just be yourself and do what you want", I really think she'd adopt their attitude. I have already noticed a serious problem with my daughter's attitude after periods when she's around SD, especially if BM was present. More backtalk, asking "Why not?!" for every "no", eye-rolling, sighing when she doesn't like what she's told, things like that. I've had years of struggling with my daughter's strong will, and have finally gotten to a point where she accepts her responsibilities and she and I are not constantly butting heads. She's entering the age now where I know it is going to be challenging enough, without my SD's BM undermining my authority!
Yep, BM is a tough one. What ex-wife really sits down with the new fiancee and tells about the frequency and type of "relations" that used to be had?!?! I personally think she's unfit, but FH is not ready to pursue full custody. He's still in the "I want her to like me" stage. Once she's a teenager, the need for set boundaries will become all too apparent for him, I'm sure. So, my thinking is, if I feel that BM is an unfit parent, what kind of parent does it make me to allow her to be responsible for my teenage daughter?
Any suggestions on the best explanation to give for the ban on visits there? Like I said, I know I can't just say, "your mom is crappy, so my daughter can't come there" and with the girls being so close, even telling my own daughter that she can't go there because there are no rules will result in her telling SD that. I'm at the point now where I'm tempted to tell everyone, "I said NO. That's it. NO. I don't have to explain, and I'm not changing my answer." At least then I'm not attacking anyone's morals, but I can keep my own.
I actually have taken the position already that she will NOT go
Thanks, Orange County, I'm right there with you on 14 being an age that is notorious for making poor decisions... I was previously thinking about allowing it, after one supervised afternoon, but saw from that the BM is rude, crass, has no authority in her own home, no respect for me, and would love nothing more than to punish her ex-husband, even if it means through making her daughter behave like a brat. After that visit, I vowed there was no way it was happening.
It just gets so sticky when trying to figure out how to explain it, and I swear if FH calls me one more time and says SD called me and wants BD to come over, so I told her I'd have to call you and ask if it was okay, I will scream! I've already said OVER and OVER it's NOT okay! He knows it's not, but is caught in the middle, too. What do we tell SD? She's being normal, you know, wants a friend to come over to her house. So far, we've offered for her to come here if she wants to see her, but we both can understand her wanting to have my daughter come hang out. She doesn't understand that her mother's lack of morals is the problem, and I really don't think it would be wise for me to offer that explanation to her. Evidently, other children come over once or twice and then not again, also, so I must not be the only mother who has issues with this woman's ineptness!
It's tough.... My girls and
It's tough.... My girls and my skids all get along great...probably better than DH and I. My girls want to stay over at their SS's house and SD wants them over just as much. With all the "venting with no filter" that BM does I would feel very scared and worried what she might say with my children around. My girls adore their stepdad and I wouldn't want their minds being filled with untrue negative bullish or have her ask very leading questions to my girls.
If she lets the skids run loose, you can't let your children over there. Besides, who knows what they'll see on the internet/rated R movie. Let your daughter know that the things BM allows them to do in their home doens't line up with your expectations on how children should be raised...No need to sugar coat the truth.
"I aint no Carol Brady"
You put it better than I could
Saying that it doesn't line up with my expectations is exactly the way I'll put it. That way, I'm not sounding like I'm attacking anyone, and maybe I can come out of this not looking like the controlling stepmonster. Thanks for the input, that was a great help!