Sd doesn't want us to marry. Elope?
Hi, thank you for your supportive page!
I have a question about how to have a wedding when one of my future sd's (age 
has recently expressed to my bf that while she likes me, she doesn't want us to get married ("because she would become a _____" (insert their last name)), and she wishes her mommy and daddy were together. Yet, she doesn't mind if her mommy marries her bf. We haven't announced an engagment, and this is very recent. For the last year and half since I've met them, both future sd's have been very affectionate and accepting toward me. Anyway, we are talking about getting married and how to do the ceremony. I've read stories of sd's crying through the wedding ceremonies when their bf or bm remarry. This scares me, and I cannot even imagine how that could affect what is supposed to be one of the most exciting and happiest days of our lives. I don't want our day to be ruined, and I don't want to traumatize future sd8, either. I always imagined sd8 and sd6 being at our wedding, but now, I'm thinking of elopement and then a wedding celebration for the family afterward? I don't want to invite anyone to our wedding who isn't supportive of us marrying. I'm concerned, though, how that would go over with my sd's and in-laws. I feel damned if I do, and damned if I don't a lot when it comes to step-family dynamics. Please help!
" both future sd's have been
" both future sd's have been very affectionate and accepting toward me"
Doesn't sound as if they doesn't like you. The "bonus mom" thing might be upsetting her. She doesn't need or likely want another 'mom'... she has one. The name change may represent in her young mind that you would replace her mother (as Mom is getting new name too, SF's).
Before you get carried away with images of sobbing little girls, perhaps Dad just needs to have a sit down heart to heart with his girls. Answer their questions, give age appropriate explanations et.
Blending doesn't just happen.
Blending doesn't just happen. It requires forethought, planning, and good communication.
As a parent, your SO should be talking with his kids and preparing them for the upcoming life changes. Females, even young ones, can be quite territorial, so it's not surprising that his older daughter is resistant to the idea of Daaady marrying and officially placing another female above her in the family hierarchy.
There must be some books on the subject, both for children and for adults. That would be a start.
Also, do you and your SO plan to do premarital counselling? I highly recommend it. And keep reading these boards.
That makes sense. I'll look
That makes sense.
I'll look for some books for the girls. I've read "Stepmonster," which I highly recommend.
We are seeing a therapist this evening that specializes in step-family dynamics, thankfully. She sounds very confident she can help.
He did ask her why, and she
He did ask her why, and she said because if we got married, then I "would become a _____" (insert last name). It seems interesting coming from an 8-year-old.
He wasn't running things by
He wasn't running things by her, so to speak. She brought it up. He handled it appropriately, letting her know he loves me very much and that we're staying together, told her in age-appropriate terms that he and her mommy didn't get along and decided to split up so everyone could be happier, they're not getting back together. She asked, "What if that happens to you and BonusMom15?" He reassured her how great our relationship is and that he doesn't see that happening.
Sd8 is definitely going through something right now, very insecure and anxious, and it seems inspired by something her mom or another adult is saying.
"Sd8 is definitely going
"Sd8 is definitely going through something right now, very insecure and anxious, and it seems inspired by something her mom or another adult is saying."
I think daddy needs to see if he can get to the bottom of what her insecurities are. It may be that seeing her mom is getting ready to get married, she is more clinging to her dad and worrying that she will lose both her parents to other people.
If she won't open up to your BF, it might not be a bad idea to see if some counseling might help.
She does seem insecure and she needs to be reassured that even if mommy and daddy marry other people that they will still lover her and her sister the same.
BTW, you can get married and not take his last name too...lol.
Yes, I agree. He's working on
Yes, I agree. He's working on getting to the bottom of her insecurities, and she is opening up to him. We've been trying to find a therapist for her, but we just found it we would need permission from her bio-mom to bring sd8 to therapy. We need to verify this. Bio-mom is very anti-therapy, very high-conflict, and the idea of us bringing sd8 to therapy is not going to go over well.
Yes to the reassurance that daddy loves her just the same no matter what.
As far as me taking his last name, I'm not going to let sd8 dictate that, lol.
I got you on the name thing:)
I got you on the name thing:) My husband's EX kept his name..lol.
At that age, I think just a lot of consistent reassurance coupled with that we haven't made any decisions about it but we will let you know when and if WE decide to take that next step. But be clear that it is daddy's decision and not hers. When she gets married then she can decide..lol.
I think my post wasn't clear.
I think my post wasn't clear. He wasn't running it by his daughter. She brought it up, and he let her know that while her mommy will always be her mommy, and I'm not trying to replace her mommmy, and he will always be her daddy, he and I are staying together, and explained in age-appropriate terms that he and their mommy are not getting back together.
Fortunately, my bf has had
Fortunately, my bf has had some good heart-to-hearts with both sd8 and sd6. Sd 8 is very clingy toward him, often coming to sit in between us when she sees us sitting closely, and always insisting on sitting on his side of the table when we're all out to eat. She does like her daddy to herself and has been more insecure than usual lately. It seems there is something going on at bm's house, but we can't control that, of course. Anyway, I'm going to start scheduling more time with my own friends and activities so they get more alone time with their dad the 50% of the time we have them. Hopefully this helps. We are just learning how step-families often work better that way.
If she comes around to accepting us getting married, sure, we'd want them involved in the wedding in some way. Right now, though, with her emotional state, I'm not sure that is a good idea.
I don't think that children
I don't think that children should be allowed to dictate what ADULTS do in their ADULT lives. It is the responsibility and obligation of the parents to consider the well-being of the child when they make those decisions, but you do NOT ask an 8 year old for permission. (or pretty much any other age).
I actually think that daddy needs to do a better job of explaining to his children that just because he may have a new relationship with a woman, that it does not mean that he loves them any less. However, they need to understand that it is HIS decision alone as to when/if he gets married again. He also needs to kindly and firmly reiterate to the children that he and mommy are NOT getting back together that their relationship as a couple is over and will not ever happen. He can explain that he and mommy are moving forward with different people and that is going to be a permanent split.
The beginnings of the mini wife are a little troublesome. He shouldn't allow her to come sit between you. If she wants to sit on the other side of him, that's fine. It's also fine for him to spend time just with them, but not do it to the point where you are constantly excluded and marginalized. I would also make her sit across from her dad and you should have the relationship couple spot beside him... at least most of the time.
If the children have been generally nice and accepting, then I think you can expect some success if your SO helps them to understand that his relationship is his decision, not theirs, but that he still loves them.
Personally, we did not elope, but we had a destination wedding with just the two of us. My SD's were 8 and 12 at the time and they did not have passports and we went out of the country. It was just easier to deal with NO family than to try to work out a ceremony locally. My mom was starting to have dementia issues and my dad doesn't drive, and is kindof a hermit. So, it made the traditional wedding easier to skip.
Great advice, thank you! Yes,
Great advice, thank you! Yes, the beginnings of a mini-wife (I'd never read that term before this board) are concerning. I'll bring that up with the therapist tonight.
You two are getting married
You two are getting married for each other, not for anyone else. I know its hard because you want family and friends involved to share in your special day. We eloped but I did my mom the courtesy of telling her ahead of time so her feelings wouldn't be as hurt. My DH told his mom too ahead of time. Both were sad because they weren't going to be there but they understood. I made the mistake of letting my mom guilt trip me into including the kids only on the special day, she insisted it would be a good idea to have them be a part of it because we were going to be a new family. WoRST mistake. One of the stepkids was horrible. He messed up every single picture taken by the photographer. he was uncooperative and refused to smile. He made faces and glared at the camera. He was so bad that he frustrated the photographer. We have the family pic of our wedding day hanging in our living room and I hate it. Stepson who was 8 at the time is sitting on his dad's lap because he refused to cooperate unless he was on his dad's lap and I was sitting on the side. I cringe everytime I see that pic and I can't wait to take it down one day. DONT HAVE THE HATER Kids involved because they WILL RUIN IT for you.
I'm sorry your day was
I'm sorry your day was ruined.
That's what I'm afraid of. Sd8 often squeezes in between us when we're trying to sit together. She has been pretending to be sick as soon as her dad picks her up from his parents' to go home for the evening after being fine all day. She'll lay on the couch and repeatedly call to him for this or that, crying, refusing medicine, etc. She is usually affectionate and sweet toward me, but lately, she gives me some strange looks that feel like glares. She has told her dad plain and simple she doesn't want us to marry because that would mean I'm taking on their last name, but it's okay for her mom to remarry as she is planning to do.
My mom had a cure for the
My mom had a cure for the faux sickness. It was being immediately sent to bed and you had to stay IN bed. No TV (we didn't have video games or cell phones back in those dark ages) If she truly believed we were ill (as evidenced by a fever) she might consent to allow us some reading material.
ALSO, if you stayed home from school for sickness, you were "sick" and treated as such the entire day. No after school activities, no playing after school etc...
So, yes, if child says she is sick the best response is to act gravely concerned and tell her she is to immediately get her PJ's on and into bed. Take temperature and the bucket beside the bed "in case" she gets sick. She gets only juice and toast so as to not upset her tum tum. And sleep.. lots of sleep honey. That's the only way you will get better. No visitors, No TV.. you need your rest honey.
I found that my YSD was more
I found that my YSD was more prone to doing the sick thing to get attention. I think her mom encouraged it.
I had it close to under control when she was with DH and myself by making being sick very boring. She would still pipe up and complain and I would always tell her if she was sick she was going to need to go straight to bed and not be out infecting us all. Then I would ask if she was sure she felt bad. 9 of 10 times the answer was no, not really that bad. lol.
This kid did like the medical attention though. One time she convinced everyone she had a funny sticking out bone in her foot. Looked fairly normal to me, but she complained enough so a dr gave her one of those velcro on cast things. I KNEW she was making a bigger deal than it really was because I had picture proof of her balancing ON THAT braced leg (with the walking cast ON) on top of a toddler fisher price ride in car. She didn't have a dislocated bone or broken bone. NO way when she was doing gymnastics on that leg when she played.
The next thing was when she complained her "chest hurt" well her stupid pediatrician thought she heard a hum or something in her chest so about 4K of tests later the diagnosis? GROWING PAINS.
She finally got what she asked for. She developed seizures when she was about 13 years old and has to take medication daily for it. So, be careful what you wish for.. or in otherwords. Stop making that face it's going to stick that way!
My SS would do the same
My SS would do the same thing! throw a fit if he couldn't sit next to his dad and would get mad when his dad would ask him to move so I could sit there. He would also come into his dads room (when we weren't living together) and would see that I was sleeping in the bed and tell his dad to tell me to leave so he could sleep in the bed with him. All this behavior happened early on. Now SS is 16 and a total terror, he's stolen my car, stolen money out of my purse, just been really bad, so much to the point that his dad sent him off to live with relatives out of state b/c BM can't handle him either. Good luck!
He did ask her why, and she
He did ask her why, and she said because if we got married, then I "would become a _____" (insert last name). It seems interesting coming from an 8-year-old.
It probably didn't come from an 8 year old, if you know what I mean.
What is the BM like? Could she be putting stuff into the girl's head?
Exactly. She is very
Exactly. She is very high-conflict. We see a lot of ways she tries to use the girls to control the way we do things in our household. So sad for the girls.
How did you feel about that?
How did you feel about that? How old were you?
I think it's a mistake to
I think it's a mistake to poke around to gauge the kid's feelings. Like you said, it isn't the child's place to make a decision. The children should be TOLD and if they need help understanding what it all means, even counseling, fine. BUT I think it's wrong to just spring it on them. HOWEVER, it should be clear that the choice is made and it is not their place to question their adult parent's decision. It's not up for vote.
This makes sense. I agree.
This makes sense. I agree.
Congrats on your marriage!
Congrats on your marriage! That is awesome. Sounds simple and a lot less stressful than planning a wedding to please everyone else (which I've done once, long ago).
Yes, I've read many experts caution against remarrying with kids if the kids are 10-16 years old, and the older sd is 8. We don't want the kids calling the shots. It's up to us.
For a 2nd wedding, I think
For a 2nd wedding, I think that going away and sparing everyone the obligation of attending is definitely an option that should be considered.
We did ours as a honeymoon/wedding and kids don't go on the honeymoon right? So, that was the reason why the kids didn't go.
Another worry about having a stateside traditional wedding was that his EX would have insisted on attending so she could be there to support her babies... ugh.. no way.
No, I just discovered this
No, I just discovered this board today. It sounds like this topic comes up a lot, but I didn't see my exact scenario when I searched, so I posted. I hope that is okay? :?
Not saying that's the case
Not saying that's the case here, as I don't know. However, yeah, happens around here often.
Doesn't bother me. My thoughts/response on any given posted subject would be the same. Regardless of fake post, point attempt post or multiple membership personalities. My opinion is my opinion based on what is presented.
The ones that do annoy me are the bait post. Also the dead horse beaters. Lol.
ok my brain just guttered
ok my brain just guttered with that one.....
}:)
I hear ya on the wedding
I hear ya on the wedding thing. My DH has 2 boys that were 8 and 10 when we got married. He talked with them privately about it and told them he would be moving in with me. One was a little upset by it but that passed quickly.
DH and I talked about a wedding and including the boys but it felt forced and we just wanted our day to be ours...no chance for spoilage.
We eloped and it was the greatest decision ever. We enjoyed our time together, had a great honeymoon and saved tons of money!
In a very casual way, DH told the skids we were married. They were very supportive and excited.
Side note: I wish I didn't marry a man with kids. Think long and hard about it and if you are on the fence whatsoever, don't marry him! It's hard advice but I wish I had not talked myself into thinking skids would be ok. It's not ok. It is the worst part of my life.
I do think the kids should be
I do think the kids should be told in advance of getting married.. but otherwise am 100% onboard with the remote location wedding. I mean, generally this is a 2nd marriage it's not like we all need that "gift grab" really right?