Return of the bio mom
I'm new to this, but dont know where to turn. My step son is 12 and has been a big part of my life since his he was 8. On his 8th birthday his mother walked out of his life leaving a wake of disaster in her path. She left to be the alcholic she was and wanted to party. In her leaving they lost their house, cars, motorcycle, and their dog. She has seen him twice in 4 years once in rehab the year she left and once the day before fathers day two years ago. Tonight makes the third time at a state supervised visitation center. Over the course of those years hes gotten phone calls from many different rehabs, she went 9 times, homeless shelters, and random numbers always swearing mommy would get better. Well she has finally made it past the 9 month period she is in a half way house and has a part time job again, and good for her and him I guess. She has had the right to have these visits for 2years and at a month sober told us to tell him she would be setting them up. It took her 8 months to make that phone call. I'm really struggling on how to feel at this point and what to do. At home he is distant and pretty much only plays fortnite, you mention her and he thinks the sun shines out her rear. He swears hes not mad at her for leaving or upset, he's glad shes better and cant wait to go live with her. I'm not apposed to her being better or a part of his life as long as she doesnt let him down. I know I feel jealous and replaceable scared and a million more things. My stomach is in knots I hate the way I feel. I hate worring about how I feel when I cant imagine how he feels. It took him 15mins to walk in the room to see her tonight. I almost hoped he wouldnt just to cause her the heartache we felt everytime she disappeared amd we had to tell him no sorry bud we dont know where mommy is or why she doesnt call. Then I'm back to feeling like a horrible person. I dont understand how he doesnt hurt I'm half glad he doesnt but I wish he didmt want to throw her a parade for showing up. His dad and I show up everyday give him everything he needs and most of what he asks for we are giving him a good life. Idk what I'm looking for here maybe any hints on how to deal. Or maybe just to know I'm not a horrible person for being sick to my stomach that shes making a come back. Any helpful comments or possitive feedback would help I'm lost over here in a torn up knotted mess of being half glad he has a chance to have her in his life and half wishing she would dissear again, but scared for him she will....
I hope you are making BM come to you.
It does no good if you are doing all the work to make the visitation work. If BM actually wasn’t to see her son then there has to be effort on her part. As in you can’t not force her to do it.
My OSS19's mom is like this.
My OSS19's mom is like this. She was a teen mom and DH was a teen dad. She got pregnant after a drunk night in a cornfield party and DH married her. He joined the Navy and she went wild. Drugs and alcohol while pregnant, cheated on DH a number of times, just a mess. The marriage lasted like 8 months and DH has had full custody of SS his whole life. BM1 went on to have 7 other children and custody of none... in fact she just got out of jail last week again...
Anyway... it took SS a LONG time to realize his mom has issues. He would always get excited when she would call after 6 months of radio silence and want to see her. DH would have to arrange a supervised visit somewhere. She would show up with presents and shower him with love and he would think she was "better now" and then she would disappear again and DH was left to deal with a broken hearted kid.
The last time she F'ed up was actually SS's high school graduation. It was a bigger deal than most graduations as SS is Autistic, Bi-polar, ADHD, Major Anxiety Disorder, etc- and still graduated on time. We were all so stinkin' proud of him! His mom wanted to come and we agreed to even let him see her for lunch before the ceremony. Welp...she didn't show. Her dad and stepmom came instead. I was pulled to the side and informed that she had been arrested the night before and it was bad.
She called SS from jail and told him that she got sick and had strep throat and that is why she missed the graduation. DH and I waited for a year to tell him the truth. We just didn't have the heart to tell him that instead of having an evening at home before a 6 hour drive to see him, she got wasted, stole a car, assaulted a police office and tried to escape custody... However, when she called him and told him that he should go live with her now that he is old enough and his dad can't make his choices anymore- we did. He was crushed for about 2 minutes and then came back in and looked me dead in the eye and said- "she isn't ever going to get better is she?" I told him that I didn't know but the important thing is that his dad and I love him and will always be here to take care of him and support him. He nodded and said "I know". He hasn't taken a phone call from her since. He tells me when she tries to call and I tell him that the choice is his to talk to her or not. He just says that he doesn't need that in his life right now. He has things he needs to do and it isn't his job to worry about her anymore.
Keep in mind my SS is age adjusted to 12, so these are very mature things coming from him. The point I am making is that in time, your SS will see his mom for who and what she is. Just keep letting her hang herself and be ready to pick up the pieces. That is all we can ever do with bio's like those.
I wouldn't count on her
I wouldn't count on her staying around long-term. BM is a drug addict and has been in and out of SD's life for the past 9-10 years. Your SS probably is hurting but is hiding it - who wouldn't be hurting at the thought that their mother essentially chose drugs/alcohol over them?
My SD, although hurt, NEVER gave up hope that her mom would change and always had super unrealistic ideas about things that were going to happen with her.
Now this past summer, BM came back into her life after not seeing her at all for MONTHS (we had her full time for about 5 years but she would see her occasionally before this). SD has not wanted to leave her since then. She stopped staying with us, and hardly ever comes over at all now. In my experience and from what I have read here, they will ALWAYS go back to their BM given the chance.
There's not much you can do but to just let things play out, unfortunately. That is what I am dealing with right now.
Keep the facts of BM's toxic
Keep the facts of BM's toxic failues and crap front and center.
Keep doing what you are doing to protect your Skid from his toxic BM. One brief moment of reasonable performance does not a new and improved BM make.