Real mom issues
I'm just frustrated. My husband and I have a 2 yr old together and he has a son that is 8. We have him Monday after school till friday morning. His mother has him Friday after school till she brings him to my husbands mom Monday for her to take him to school. I'm mostly upset because I have all the responsibility for him through the week. Which includes making sure I get off work in enough time to get him from school everyday except friday. Getting his homework done getting him fed and make sure his lunch is packed, he takes a shower, teeth brushed etc. My husband works second shift so the only time he sees him is when he takes him to school in the morning. Also he hates it here with me because I make him eat actual food and not junk. I make him take a shower and he hates that. I also have a good behavior/ chore sticker chart which he kinda likes but doesn't like chores. He has a bedtime here. But I've learned that when he goes to his moms on the weekend he gets to do whatever he wants and right now he sees that as awesome, no chores, gets to eat whatever he wants, doesn't have a bedtime, no having homework to do etc. So he counts down the days till he can go to his moms. I've been extra frustrated with his mom lately because she gets it so easy with him, he loves her so much and he hates it with me. The schedule with him used to not he this way with him, she got married and moved in with her husband, but I'm kinda glad that it is so hes on a routine with school. I also recently found out that they are moving again, I've known this kid since he was 4 and she has moved 6 times. So the main reason I'm writing this is too get my frustration out because he wanted to go to an art class after school that cost 50 dollars so I told her about it and said I'd pay for it and all this and all she text me back to say was ok. No thank you or I'll pay half. Nothing. And I text her again today saying that's hes having a hard time reading that he needs to start reading at least twenty minutes at home like everyday. She says nothing back. Also she asked us to pay half on his lunch bill at school because its 30 in the negative. Which I didnt understand how because I pack him a lunch everyday. I get up early to feed him breakfast so come to find out it's on the days that she is taking him to school. One day I get home on a Monday and ask what did you have for lunch? He says there was only 2 things in my lunchbox. A pop tart and a granola bar and nothing to drink. I'm just so over it!
Another situation where BM
Another situation where BM and DH get a sweet deal - neither has to parent! DH just doesn't see the kid at all except to drive him to school, and BM gets to have the fun weekends. You do all the real parenting.
I'll be honest, I don't get why people stay in situations like yours. If DH wants to have his son there all week, he needs to find a job that's not second shift so he can do the bulk of the parenting. How did you end up the only parent in this situation? Why are you OK with this arrangement?
That's why I'm frustrated
DH and I have to work opposite shifts he keeps our daughter until I get off work at 230 he goes in work at 3 gets home late. If DH could get on first shift it would be better but he doesn't make sure like I do with the routine and homework etc.Can't afford daycare and I really didnt want to put her in daycare. His schedule changed because his BM got married and moved 30 mins away so we got him through school week so she didnt have my to drive him to school every other day. It was supposed to be only for a year. My best interest is in this kid and making sure he has food everyday and on routine for school. I'm not okay with it bit DH pays majority of Bill's and that's just how it has to be for the time being. It sucks I'm the mean parent and BM is fun parent.
SuperStepMom
you sound like a very caring parent. I’m proud of you for doing what others would not. I know it’s hard but that child needs a caring parent. DH should be more involved, but you are doing a great job! It sounds like y’all could get custody if you wanted to. I know it can be hard being the step parent. I have struggles as well, but when I see how much the skids need a good role model and someone to teach them right from wrong I hold my head up and do what I need to do as a step mom and a teacher. My husband works a lot so I have the skids quite a bit. What really helped me is that I connect with them through their interests. I will build legos with them, play nerf wars, and have them take turns helping me cook. Learning makes them feel good about themselves, so make a lesson out of things you do with the child. Also have simple rules. If they can do it at school, they can do it at home. I tell my skids that you need protein for muscles. Nobody wants to be weak, they want to be strong! And carrots are good for your eyes, you need your eyes to see. Your body is made of 70% of water so if you don’t drink water you will get sick, you will have headaches, and your body will not want to work. Now, if you see that you are not getting healthy foods you need to be a big boy and tell an adult “I need healthy foods so I can grow and be smart!” Teach the child this and repeat it all the time. It has worked for me. One of my skids can not remember to eat and told him. When you realize that you need to eat, go find an adult and tell them I need food! Food is a priority! I told him over and over. I did this bc BM was not feeding them breakfast or lunch and when I picked them up they were crying they were so hungry. I’m sure things will get better for you. You sound like a great person.
If your going to keep doing this
here are some ideas to make DH step up and parent more:
What are your DH's days off? Can he get them during the week when SS is there?
DH can fix SS's lunch when he gets home and leave it so SS can it to school the next day. He could also fix a dinner for everyone and leave it for the next day.
DH can enroll SS in an afternoon program so you don't have to leave work early to get him.
DH can have SS shower in the am when he is there to supervise.
DH should be in charge of the chore chart. He can talk to SS about it on their morning drives.
DH can do all the laundry for SS.
Is DH in a postilion where he can talk or text w/SS in the evenings? He could provide some direction via phone or text.
And last, but most important - DH should be doing all of the communication with BM. There is no need for you to communicate with her unless it is a very urgent matter.
I would actually say SS can
I would actually say SS can pack his own lunch, if he doesn't already. SD9 has been packing her own lunch for 2 years, and it's wonderful.
I do agree with the rest though, DH can still somewhat parent from afar, if you will.
But most importantly, this situation is pretty ridiculous. Why even have SS if you are the only one around to parent him?? As far as I know, custody is not usually set so the SM can have visitation for skids, which is what it is now. Can your DH get visitation changed?
To be honest, I'm in a similar situation. We have majority custody, and My SO works 3rd shift, so he goes to bed around 6:30pm most days. He does take them to school, do homework after, take them to sports, etc. However, his schedule is now 7pm-7am, so all he is doing is taking them to school and picking them up from school, I am with them the rest of the time. I usually make dinner (although SO tells them to fend for themselves a lot of the time because he doesn't want me to have to make dinner every night)...skids are SD9 and SS12, so they are pretty self-sufficient and usually entertain themselves. SO usually has wknds off, so he sees skids then too. But your SO is never around when SS is home- it just doesn't seem like that works.
If he is eating at school,
If he is eating at school, quit packing his lunch. Does your DH pay CS. If so... it is on BM to pay the lunch bill. CS covers the NCP's entire obligation to support the child with the exception any other support specifically stipulated in teh CO or when the kid is with the NCP.
If your DH is the CP and receives CO from BM then he has to pay the lunch bill.
Unless something else is agreed upon.
If you let people get away with it
No one is going to prioritize you, or take away chores that you've willingly taken on... if I were you, I'd put as much responsibility back on the parents. And for goodness sake, don't text BM because it's just going to piss you off that she doesn't care enough to do her job.
How is it that you are doing
How is it that you are doing more than both biological parents together? I get the whole shift situation with your H but if this is beginning to be too much than your H needs to reverse the schedule and have him stay with his mother during most of the week and your H get him on weekends. Your H is not spending much quality time with him anyway so what's the difference? You are doing all the footwork for it all to be undone when SS gets back from BM house.
What is his mother doing to parent and ensure this child grows up to be a well rounded adult? Also I think the contact/messaging should be between your H and BM. Since you're doing all the work you seem to have taken this on too. Something has to give so what that said have a chat with H and tell him how you feel. Your feelings and mental well being come first so communicate and let him know.
I'm a little confused. If
I'm a little confused. If your DH can get him to school.. why can't he help with the pre-school stuff like packing a lunch and shepherding him through that process? And.. even lunches can be packed the night before.. so when your DH gets home, he can do it then. Also.. why is the child driven to school..isn't there bus transportation.. most schools have that. It sounds like between the two of you.. your weeks are a bit hectic... but I guarantee there are SM's out there that would kill for having all skid free weekends because that's when they really will get to spend quality time with their spouse and biochildren.
I live a similar life to this
I live a similar life to this. My skid visits BM on the weekends and I’m stuck with primary care responsibilities during the week because DH has to work a lot to pay for our bills. BM also lucked up and on top of being able to play MOTY on weekends, she’s separated from her second baby daddy so she gets to send that other spawn off so SS gets to live like an only child on top of the usual Disney parenting spoiling. Extra Bonus is BM is also a mover like yours and is moving again into a bigger, better house because she snagged herself a money maker in Fiance3.
My only consonance is knowing we are each doing what we’re good at: her-being the Disney mom who can blow the money, me-being the parent who makes sure he’s taken care of with drs and education. Just know the ground work you’re putting in today will make him a better person later on in life even if he never accepts you as the one to credit for it. Someone, someday will find him likeable because you’ve made him smart, hygienic and responsible even with his mommas spending and other habits.