Parent/child nakedness
My husband has a 7 year old daughter and has no issues with going to the bathroom, changing, or any form of being naked in front of her. Honestly it feels like sometimes he almost encourages it as he will wait till she also needs to be in the bathroom (ie to get ready for bed) to use the facility (while there is a perfectly functioning other bathroom that he could use) or doesn't ask her to leave so he can change in private. He also stays in the bathroom with her while she bathes and still puts lotion on her privates. (And no going off the rails people, there's no sexual abuse)...I just don't find his behavior appropriate for a child of her age. Am I in the wrong for thinking this way?? I've tried talking to him about it saying she's too old, its inappropriate, what if she says something and its taken the wrong way...nothing has changed his behavior. Anyone out there who's dealing/dealt with this? Help!
You know it is wrong, and yes
You know it is wrong, and yes, there is sexual abuse if your DH is applying lotion to a 7yos genitals. Boy or girl.
Wrong is wrong and you know it when you see it.
As for being naked, showering, etc... with a child. Generally I find nothing wrong with it. My dad would shower with my little brother and i until we were about 5ish. No issues. When we were old enough to bath on our own, we bathed on our own. The last time either of our parents touched our genitals was after my little brother had Urological surgery when he was about 3 and had to have medication applied to his penis several times a day and when they would change our bathe our baby brother. I can't even recall the last time either of our parents touched my junk. I was about 8 when I got a skin infection on my winky and they supervised while I bathed, applied meds and had to lay our in the sun and expose my genitals to UV light for at least an hour each day for a number of days. They inspected and supervised but they did not lay a finger on me.
I can not see any appropriate situation where your DH is applying lotion to his 7yo daughter's genitals.
All in my opinion and experience of course.
I clarified on another post,
I clarified on another post, but by lotion I moreso mean ointment - like she is prone to skin iritation from clothes and yeast infections.
WTF is he applying lotion to
WTF is he applying lotion to her genitals for?! That is totally out of line!
As for being naked, some people are simply more comfortable with their bodies than others.
However, at her age, his daughter doesn't need his help to bathe/shower so there's absolutely no reason for him to lurk in the bathroom with her.
She is prone to infections,
She is prone to infections, yeast, skin irritation from cloths etc. and she tells/shows him...she is a VERY dependent daughter but her dad has kind of forced her to be that way..mucho helicopter parent, thus why she can't do anything solo. Its very fruatrating
It's a battle!
My 6 year old daughter also gets yeast infections and even I don't put cream on her anymore. Sometimes I'll ask her to put the cream on and show me that there's enough and in the right places but she didn;t want me touching her down there from about the age of 4 and I respect that. At 6 she can definately apply cream herself with instruction, and your step daughter should be able to as well.
It sounds like he's babied her for a bit too long, but these naked issues are the ones that are really bothering you. I think at 7 its ok for her to still run between her bedroom and bathroom naked, she should be starting to ask people to leave when she needs the toilet. She can bath/shower with siblings, but my daughter would only shower with her mum/dad if she absolutely had too (and I suspect she'd outright refuse because she thinks her dad is stinky haha!)
Maybe look out some parenting books on promoting privacy and encouraging her to be private with her body. I've had to generally push privacy issues with my kids because they don't notice, but that's up to you and your partner to promote with step daughter.
I did have to talk to my partner once about this sort of issue with his daughter (my step daughter) and I focused more on the "we need to help her to develop and understand privacy" side of things. I asked him to try to promote the behaviour he would expect her to follow if her mums partner were living in a house with her, so what behaviour would he want her to mimick if another man were living in the house. maybe see if that works?
He has most Definitely babied
He has most Definitely babied her for far too long. She gets treated more like a 2 year old in many regards than a child of 7.
Thank you for your advice - I will give it a try.
Yes, it is sexual abuse
Yes, it is sexual abuse. There is no reason for lotion to be applied to the genitals of a 7 year old girl - and even if there was, there is no reason for her father to be doing it. Since you don't want to deal with it, call her mother and tell her what is going on, let her handle it. I feel so sorry for this child.
Yea, all of this.
Yea, all of this.
OP, I've gone back and read
OP, I've gone back and read over your post again. Are you familiar with the term "grooming"? If not, I suggest you google it straight away.
No child needs any sort of
No child needs any sort of "lotion" applied to their privates, unless it is a medical prescription, dispensed by a doctor. I strongly suspect sexual abuse, and your husband has groomed you and your SD, to make both of you think that this is OK, as is his exhibitionism with his own naked body.
I absolutely do NOT think it
I absolutely do NOT think it is ok! I have said something and said something but it hasn't gotten thru, thus why I am reaching out on how to handle this.
Who puts lotions on their
Who puts lotions on their privates? It's not even a thing.
Yes, this is inappropriate, and as a professional, I'd report it to CPS if a 7-year-old girl told me this was happening. This is a form of sexual abuse, and can be just as damaging if not more so, because when SD realizes it was wrong for him to do (she will remember), he will gaslight her, too, just like he's gaslighting you.
The weird part is that he
The weird part is that he seems to go out of his way to either have her see him naked or to see her. Also, "lotioning the privates" isn't a necessary or common part of hygiene for 7-year-old girls. How can you be attracted to him?
I could see it being
I could see it being necessary for a divorced father to help his young daughter with genital issues if there are medical conerns. Rashes etc can need to be looked at and lotion may need to be applied on occasion. Of course it should be done sensitively and the child asked what she is comfortable with, if she wants to do it herself or if she is ok with dad doing it. At 7 she should be able to apply her own lotion, perhaps with some supervision or guidence the first few times. Kids also need to be taught that only very trusted adults (I told my sd her mom, her dad or a nurse or doctor) should be doing this kind of thing and that they can always say no and a different way can be found. OP, your brief description sounds like lotion application is a regluar occurance, not just medically related.
Nudity is also a personal issue, that many families have different views on. But again children should be taught when it is appropriate and who it is appropriate to be nude around. They should also be taught that it is ok to expect and request privacy. If you are right and he is seeking out reasons for them to be nude around each other then that is concerning behavior.
Having said all of that your husband's actions do sound creepy and even if he 100% has no ill intentions he is teaching his daughter that it is ok for someone else to regularly touch her genitals outside of exceptional medical special reasons. Perhaps someone else will take advantage of this training even if your husband is not and so make her more vulnerable to abuse as she does not know any differently and so will not speak up about it.
OP, you have tried pointing the inappropriateness ot this out to your husband and have been rebuffed and given excusses. I do think that it is time to raise this issue with someone else. You made a great first step reaching out here, but we cannot offer you real advice or hold your husband accountable. You could call a child abuse hotline if you want to talk to someone with experience with these things and get advice from them. You could talk to the girl's mother and see what she has to say about it. You could talk to the girl's doctor or you could call CPS. It is important to do something.
Sadly child abuse is endemic, and abusers look just like anyone else. Family members are the most frequent abusers of children and should not be given a free pass for suspicious behavior.
You are not to blame for any of this OP. There are no reliable tests for child abusers when dating. You do have strong suspisons now that something is not right though and it is up to you as a first hand witness to do what you can to protect this girl from her father's actions, whether they are intentinally abusive or not.
Taking action on this may be the end of your relationship, it is ok to feel conflicted about that but I hope that you would put this girl first and accept that this relationship ending is worth her future and current safety.
Again to reitterate my main point, the big red flag for me is your husband's unwillingness to see these behaviors as potentially problematic and change his habits. That shows he is either very ignorant, very naiive or he enjoys what he is currently doing and wants you to accept that it is normal behavior so he can contine. No matter his intentions, continuing these actions could cause real harm to your sd.
You know this is wrong. What
You know this is wrong. What are you going to do to stop it from continuing? What does BM think about this? Does she know?
I have thought about reaching
I have thought about reaching out to her, but we don't have a relationship and have honestly only met a handful of times.
She has a boyfriend, who travels a lot for work, but I have no idea the dynamic that they have in their household. I have heard from SD that he has helped her get her ready for the shower (laying out towel, clothes, ensuring shampoo is all there etc) but I dont know anything beyond that.
Ok, going into the bathroom
Ok, going into the bathroom before a kid gets in and makes sure there is a towel (so they don't get water all over the floor), shampoo (so they don't go screaming for stuff while they are in there), PJ's (so they don't go walking around the house in a towel)-- those are all NORMAL things to do. At 7 I would think she could do this herself with a quick reminder but some COD's are coddled and don't.
Everything your DH is doing is grooming behavior whether he realizes it or not.
I would address this with BM if he won't stop. I would also leave him if he won't stop and create normal boundaries. How will you feel if he does this with your daughter one day? Because it makes me sick.
This is absolutely not ok.
This is absolutely not ok. You need to research "grooming" like a previous poster said. While you're at it, research boundaries as well. Like so many previous posters have said, there is no reason to be applying lotion to a 7 year olds genitals unless it's some kind of prescription. Your poor step daughter. If nothing is done this could scar her for life. I'm sorry you're husband has put you and your stepdaughter in such a difficult situation.
Thank you. Boundaries are
Thank you. Boundaries are definitely an issue in this house- again something I've tried to talk about many times but usually ends in an argument where I'm wrong, he's right, end of story (more or less). I don't think he grasps that she is no longer a little girl incapable of performing these tasks herself - he treats her like she's still 2 years old in many regards.
Sorry, but reading your post
Sorry, but reading your post made me nauseated. This is sexual abuse whether you want to believe it or not. Your husband needs help.
My daughter is now 12, but I became a single Dad when she was 1. I stopped helping her bathe, go to the bathroom, etc when she was 3-4. And even today, I make sure she doesn't see me naked. When my bedroom door is locked, she knows to knock.
Curious has to why he wouldn't ask you to help educate his daughter on how to apply medicine. When she starts having her period, he is going to handle that too?
OP, this is the attitude a
OP, this is the attitude a non-creepo dad has! When a child is able, the child handles her own "parts" unless there are extenuating circumstances. The fact that you said your boyfriend will actually hold his urine until she is around to see him pee is nauseating to me, too! And if she has yeast infections, she needs to see a doctor, and learn how to follow the doctor's advice and apply her own genital medicine, not have her daddy repetitively rub lotion on her privates every day. It's clearly not working. Are you sure whatever he is rubbing on isn't making it worse? At age 7, you are typically in the second grade. Think of all you did in second grade and really ask yourself, is a child this age capable of applying cream down there? You know this situation stinks. You may be the only one to notice and stop it before it escalates, if it hasn't already. You are in a position to be the hero who changes this child's life for the better.
The best answer I can attempt
The best answer I can attempt to give is that since she is not my daughter, he doesn't feel it is my place? To be honest, I agree that it isn't, as if she needs something like that applied she should do be doing it herself. I genuinely have no idea, but I have often wondered about the period thing myself.
So... not that is is what
So... not that is is what happening in your home... but if you witness abuse is your take in life that since it isn't your child it doesn't matter? Does that apply with other things in life? You see someone steal- say nothing, it wasn't you money. You see a hit and run- don't bother to pay attention to the license plate or car since it wasn't yours. Human Trafficking- so what if you see a child abducted in a parking lot. It wasn't your kid.
My point is YOU know something is wrong. If he won't stop- you need to do the right thing for this child.
We have few obligations to
We have few obligations to our step children but reporting actual or suspected abuse is one which we are morally and in a lot of places legally obliged to do. It is absolutely your place to do something about this. Who else is going to know that something is going on and is going to report it??
Translation: I'm sticking my
Translation: I'm sticking my head in the sand, not my problem.
Access to his laptop?
I'd be checking his laptop for child porn. He sounds like a predator.