Wow, am I glad to have found this place. For a couple of weeks now I have been reading and getting a lot of insight from you all - thanks!

But now, I think I may need a bit more direct guidance. I apologize in advance for the long message (can't be avoided I fear) and also if anything is unclear, please ask me to clarify as English is my second language and sometimes I might not be fluent enough to express my feelings.

So here goes. I'm a 34yrs old woman, no kids of my own. Been in relationship for almost a year with a great man who has 2 daughters (4 & 7). Moved in together after 4 months only, it just was the right thing to do, we both felt it. We got engaged this Christmas night, but marriage isn't really in the plans for years and years (to him marriage is celebration of a life spent together and if you get to your old age still together, then you should get married). But he was the one to say the word engagement when he gave me my present, so who knows what the future holds? Anyways, besides the point and all this to say we both feel we belong to each other and are in this for the long run, no matter what.

Now at the time we started dating, only his eldest was visiting every weekend, and since we were acquaintances through a common friend and also neighbors, she knew me well and saw me regularly even before her father and I got together. Once we moved in together, we made sure we had an apartment big enough to include both his girls (their own room they share) plus a play room. We made sure we ha all that was needed, be it in the medicine cabinet or extra clothes in case of accident, etc. Throughout the summer we did activities with each kids separately, as well as with both of them together.

My fiance wanted to rebuild a family. It started with him proposing from the get go that we take my mother in with us (she was sick and had been living with me for 9 years). His words:"You accept my children, I don't see why I would not accept your mother in our home". Unfortunately, things did not work out good and after 3 months of stress and bickering and fights between the adults, I made the decision to have my mother move with my youngest sister - after 9 yrs I felt I had the right to start living my life.

Now my fiance is coming back from hell, sort to speak. He was kicked out by BM (never married) a little over 3 yrs ago. Left with only his clothes on his back. He tried to get back with her but she never wanted him back. So he had the eldest visit every weekend, trying to do the right thing. We live close to BM (within the same neighborhood) so after work he went to get both girls at school and daycare every day and walked them home to their mom. He would call them every night (or they would call first), to wish them good night and sing a song. He tried to be as present as possible, even though he was not there with them in the 'living with them' sense of the word.

Now this summer, things had to change of course. Since he was no longer living in a bachelor pad, he now had room to actually get to know his 4yrs old daughter as well. I felt this was only natural, plus SD4 is just adorable - although an angel with horns. And also, ever since SD4 was born and even more after he left, SD7 never had a single day alone with her mom. So I came up with a visiting proposal that I felt would be beneficial to all of them: 1 weekend we would have SD7, the next we would have SD4, the following we'd have both of them and the 4th weekend would be our 'free' weekend. That way, each kids would get one weekend alone with one of their parents, then each set of 'parents' would get 1 weekend with both and 1 weekend free. I'll be honest, for me it means we get the kids 3 weekend out of 4 and we only have 1 weekend as a couple - and sometimes it is hard. But I felt it was important for the kids and for my fiance.

Then late this summer my fiance had to quit his job and started going back to school, with my support. He was miserable in his job, had started drinking heavily and life was becoming infernal. I also told him I would not put up with the drinking and take care of HIS kids while he was incapacitated. I did an 'all or nothing' move, telling him to either put his act together or get out of my house. I was at my wits end, and I was prepared to go back to living alone. I guess that is what he needed to wake up and take control of his life. He now gets up in the morning to take care of the kids and lets me sleep in on the weekend. He helps more around and also has realized the lack of discipline his kids have grown up with, and he tries to reinforce proper behavior. He's been sober for months, is learning patience with the kids, loves his school and is looking forward to his new career, etc. In short, he grew up fast in the past couple of months and I am proud of him for what HE accomplished. I may have given him an extra push that was needed, but HE is the one doing it all, not me. Sure we have tough times when the kids are over, but I am always trying to be the pacifier and we've got I think sort of a good dynamic going. After all, they are young and it's been only 7 months since we moved in together, lots of adjustments for everyone involved, but I feel more for SD7.

And from what I am reading here, BM is not that bad either, sure she's not perfect and sometimes things happen that irritates us and makes me want to strangle her, but it could be a whole lot worse.

Now through all of this I also had to deal with health issues, ending up in the ER a few times, and discovered I may never be able to have children of my own. This was a huge blow to both of us, and I think even more to him than me in a sense. But there is still a small chance for it to happen and he's been clinging to it I feel. I just try to make do with what I have been handled for the time being, but the whole current dynamic with SD7 (I am getting to that) is making me rethink the baby project.

My biggest problem these days is that for the past 2 or 3 weeks, SD7 has been coming down with a bad case of realization that her parents might never get back to living together. After 3 years?? Now me I think it's because she is seeing that her dad's life is changing rapidly, that her own little cocoon of having daddy to herself every weekend has gone away (she now gets to share him with her sister, and me), and that discipline is now being reinforced. From the get go I was appalled by how disrespectful and what a talk-back she was toward her dad. It took a few months for my fiance to realize it as well, with my help. She will always argue and say "but I want..." or "but it should not be like this..." or "but I think...". She has very bad manners (and don't get me started on table manners or hygiene) and she has to learn how to properly act. She has been spoiled and babied by both parents for so long that at 7yrs old, she doesn't pick her own clothes from the floor when taking a shower, she always wants something but never appreciates what she has, etc. And of course SD4 mimics her big sister. By the time we are kid free on Sundays, both of us are exhausted.. and also depressed because we know that what little upbringing we did during the weekend will be lost when they come back - that is the big main issue with BM, she simply puts them in front of the TV and let them do as they want.

Fiance is very discourage by it all, and keeps blaming himself by saying "if I was there full time, it would not be this way". I try to keep his spirit up, but all this is also starting to get to me. I also try to remind him not to talk in bad terms about BM when the kids are in the house, even if in another room. It makes me feels very uncomfortable and I always fear the girls would hear it and they would be hurt or angry or confused.

And things just keep getting worse with SD7 and her questions about when he will come back home. Like I said, after 3 yrs?? A couple of weeks ago she made a drawing that was representing her and both her parents when mommy was pregnant with her, and when she was born and daddy was kissing mommy, etc. Fiance asked her what it was and after finally getting her to tell him, he explain to her in simple but firm terms that no, daddy would not come back home because mommy and daddy were not in love anymore. Then since BM is working this week and he's not, and since there is no after school day care due to the holidays, we have SD7 with us this week. And it all starts again. The crying, the missing mommy complaints, wanting to call mommy, then telling my fiance she is tired of missing one parents when she is at the other's place, when will he come back home for good, etc. Or we tell her about our plans for the next day (pajama party with DVD she helped picked up at the rental store an hour before) and 5 minutes later she comes back and asks if she can go to her mother's house the next day. And some more. She never used to have any of these crisis in all those 3 and some years since he was kicked out, but we had noticed she had a tendency to 'live in the past', sometimes saying stuff out of the blue like "Remember dad when I was little (or 3 or 4 years old, or a baby, it varies)and...".

My fiance is getting so hurt by all this, he is considering going to his lawyer and ask to have the kids only once a month. He says this is getting heavy, he is very uncomfortable with all this and whenever one of these crisis come up, he gets very distant with me as if hugging me or kissing me might be wrong. He feels like nothing he does is good enough, that his kids don't appreciate, respect or love him, that he is a bad father, or I don't know what else.

Again, when he says things like going to ask for only once a month visitation rights, I try to calm him down, telling him to give them time but also to consider everyone's well being in this and that if he feels it's the right thing to do, then it is his decision. His future career might see him working nights and / or weekends, so the dynamics might change next summer. I tell him that if it does, then he may regret a rushed decision.

I also suggested that SD7 might need someone neutral to talk to,since she is only starting to verbalize her feelings toward this whole situation. I think it is good she expresses her feelings and does not keep them in, but she needs help sort things out and accepting them, otherwise I feel she may be very mixed up and resentful later on. Was I right in doing so?

I also suggested a united front from both him and BM, for the both of them to have a talk with her to really tell SD7 what the situation is and what it can't be. But he won,thear of it. Was I right?

I am getting a bit frustrated with all this, I was looking forward to a nice holidays but i feel this is ruining everything. I hate to see my fiance hurt so bad, i don,t want to hate SD7, but i feel like I am sitting on a ticking bomb.

any suggestion?

Thanks (and sorry for this being so long)