new to this forum, hoping for advice
am moving in with my finance at the end of the month. he has an 8 year old, while at times she is very enjoyable and fun to be around many many other times she drives me crazy and i have no desire to be around her. i understand her home life is confusing and upsetting. she never knew her parents to be together as they split when she was 6 months. her BM (birthmom, right, i'm still learning the forum lingo here) has 2 other children, 1 being a newborn and she primarily lives with her and comes to her father's every other weekend. on his 'off' weekends a lot of time energy is made to go see her often as she does need him in her life. i grew up with my own step parents as both my parents remarried after their own divorce when i was 3. i try to recall my own experiences and difficulties as a child to enable myself to be a patient caring adult in her life. now as months have passed she is becoming more and more, well, a brat. screaming and crying when she isn't given her way, pouting a whining, etc. today i had to leave his house as i could see myself becoming stressed and irritated and didn't want to snap. she has started refusing to walk anywhere and demands to be carried, which most of the time my fiance 
gives in. shes taken my cel phone and ipod which she knows shes no allowed to touch and hidden them as a joke and they still haven't been found. she wont get dressed and screams bloody murder when her hair is brushed. how do i address the babying without coming across as unfeeling or cruel. i do care about her a great deal and i make sure she knows that and that she knows how important she is to me in my life. she's very much ignored in her BMs home with her half siblings and their own father and grandparents there but i feel her attitude and actions are far from how a child should behave.
**update ipod and phone still
**update
ipod and phone still MIA. i've been told i'll have to sleep on the couch tonight cause she wants to sleep with her dad. now that's happened several times and i think its pretty inappropriate for children to be in bed with parent(s) i'm at my house kinda confused
Omg no. This would not sit
Omg no. This would not sit well with me at all. I had to nip this too. It should have been my warning to just end it. Sorry so harsh, but that could lead to him treating her like the spouse (status- wise) in other ways.
THe first thing I would do
THe first thing I would do before I moved one piece of my stuff into is have a long heart to heart with DH. You both need to understand the expectation of the other- and you need to know where you stand. If it is under an 8 year old, the question becomes will you want to live that way?
yep that will be happening
yep that will be happening monday after she is brought home. it helped finding the forum to see that there is a place to somewhat 'vent'. i know i wasn't the greatest SD myself when i was a child, so i want to go into it with an open mind and if this can be resolved and addressed in a well manner for all parties then i want to move forward, i still have a time cushion and can always extend my current lease for another month to see how things proceed which i'm thinking wont be that bad of an idea. this is really the first weekend that i've sensed some type of major resistance in the house, but its always when we told her that i am officially moving in so she maybe acting out because of that. my happiness is just as important as everyones here.
I think too, that her dad
I think too, that her dad needs to let her know that she isn't being pushed aside. That you are an addition to the family....another person to love and be loved.
I wasn't a great skid either, but I wasn't horrible. I just remember wondering what I did wrong that my smom didn't like me.
RUN. Until you get Dad's
RUN. Until you get Dad's support none of these suggestions are worth a warm pot of spit. And girl that support ain't going to materalize.
There are a zillion guys out there without kids. Go find one.
I was prepared to disagree
I was prepared to disagree with sue as I was reading her opening lines (that op is the problem)
But
Despite the way she worded her introduction, I agree with everything she said. I can't ever imagine reacting to what your DH did the way you did, op. I would have lost my shit, and told HIM that HE can sleep on the couch with precious, if they want to sleep together, cause nobodys kicking me out of my bed....
I find myself being angry at YOU, op, for being so spineless. Its hard to feel sorry for someone who won't even attempt to stand up for themself.
I agree that you will just be miserable in this relationship, because your dh is a shitty parent. Sure, he feeds and provides for your stepdaughter, but he has no idea how to help her be a good person, which is of course just as important. God help you if you stay.
I am going to skip over the
I am going to skip over the "Think carefully before doing this" and "Run!" comment that I would normally make in your situation and go directly to something that struck a cord with me...
She screams when she gets her hair brushed.
I used to scream when someone would try to brush my hair. The reason was, my mother was the person who brushed my hair and she was very rough about it. It HURT because she didn't put her hand up to hold my hair from pulling on my scalp when getting out the tangles.
She finally got so sick of chasing me around to brush my hair (not knowing WHY I didn't want her to do it!) that she took me in and got my hair chopped SHORT. Then I had to put up with the kids at school making fun of me and saying I was a boy until it grew out some...
Echo nailed it IMHO. What
Echo nailed it IMHO. What she said.
WIth one addition.
Under no circumstance do you abdicate your bed for an 8yo to sleep with daddy. NOT EVER!
If she crawls in between the two of you in the AM for a morning snoozy snuggle, fine. Those are great family bonding moments.
My SS-18 still does it occassionally. When he is needing reassurance of is feeling overwhelmed by the looming prospect of growing up.
When we married before he turned 2yo he would crawl in bed with us in the AM, sit with his blanket and bottle between us and not make a sound. Often we would wake up and he would be in bed with us in the AM and scare the crap out of us because we never heard of felt him come in to our room and climb in bed. We still have no idea how he did it without waking us up. A 6" tall kid can't do it without waking us up. Fortunately.
Though you may not want to hear this .... good job ..... Mom!