New and Overwhelmed
Hi All,
bs 12 has been completely alienated away from my spouse, a good and decent man, by both his x and as much so by the x's Mom (grandma). Anytime there is a disagreement between dh and his x they immediately run to the ss12 and share the info and then he sends hateful texts to his dad where it is clear he has been pulled into it. He has told my Dad "I hate you and you aren't a father figure to me". We have never been anything but good to this kid. Basically in my eyes ss12 has become the emotional spouse of his grandma whose husband (the gpa) recently passed. To see my usually stoic dh shed tears over this hurts.
SD 15 moved with them all 1 year ago to a different state to a school with a 65% graduation rate and she hates it so much and has been bullied so bad she was going to do home computer school this year but really wants to come live with us and go to our school that has a 98%+ grad rate and have a normal high school life (most of the activities in our school are 'walk on' and not perfect but really the kids are quite nice overall). Of course bm is blocking this and bm/gm are working overtime trying to PAS the girl (we have copies of this in writing). My husband wanted to fight them moving there in the first place and warned the sks about the schools, offered them to stay here but of course they were in lala land it is all going to be great new fun adventure and truth is they all would have been PAS'd away on the spot and his lawyer said he didn't know if he would win it anyways but would prolly get summer visits which is what we went for.
SD15 I am divided on how much time/money I feel we should devote to this (and let's face it, when your spouse is involved it really does become both your time and money in stress and expenditure). He is making an appointment with lawyer about it but of course wants the input of his wife on all of this as I would want his on anything big I was facing. First it is disruptive to have a new person in the house and i don't really want to invite all the bm drama further in. Second, i am unsure she won't just 'change her mind' and it will be all for naught (she says she is sure and it was her idea but she has flipflopped under the pressure of bm before). I do care about her and want well for her future and she is respectful when here. I do feel sad when i think of her wasting away her teen years in front of a computer by herself.
Her Mom has bipolar, is in her 30's and on her 4th husband, we had to take kids for awhile and have CPS involved 6 years ago when we went to the pool and noticed black and blue marks up and down sd. Physical abuse is no longer present but now severe PAS has replaced it as well as coddling the kids.
Sorry for the length, but that's the intro-any insights?
FACTS!!!! Introduce SS-12 &
FACTS!!!! Introduce SS-12 & SD-15 to the complete facts of their blended family situation including court records, financial records, toxic communications from BM and VagGrandMa, review the CO with them, etc.., etc, etc.....
And keep doing it in an age appropriate manner until either they age out from under the CO or they learn that the behaviors that generate the facts are due to toxic crap from their WombClan.
This is the strategy we landed on with my SS in order to protect him from the toxic manipulations of his SpermClan and to give him the information and capability to protect himself from their crap while he was on SpermLand visitation and after he aged out from under the CO when he turned 18. We started using this methodology when he was ~8yo. We tempered the sharing of the facts with him based on his age. As he got older, he got more detail and greater access to our Custody/Visitation/Support
He is now 23 and very savy in how to detect their manipulation and bullshit and how to jerk a knot in their tails when they try to manipulate him.
It worked well for us.
Good luck.
I love love love that you
I love love love that you were able to protect your ss from this and thanks for the feedback! At this point I don't think we will ever see ss again. He has told my dh that he hates him and isn't his Dad I don't see he will ever step on plane again. Also he is considering joining his gma's religion (afterall he has become her spouse)that to us has cultlike characteristics (but the court would not see this religion as a cult).
For SD, honestly the most toxic facts come directly said to her and sent to her from mom and gma but always housed in we love you so much and please don't do this to us or threats blah,blah, blah. Right now she is with us and very mad at them and wanting us to get it so she can live here but it will mean a complete change in custody and unfortunately we live in a state where the child's preference may not be highly weighted as much as some. We have copied some of these toxic texts from her mom/grandmonster to her off so if we go forward in court but if they wiggle their way in by bribing he with tickets to the latest teen boy sensation or emotional manipulation and she flipflops again or worse becomes alienated like her brother we are kind of sol regardless of what a court order would say.