Need advice! BF reluctant to blend fears no time alone with son
Hi all, I'm new here and could really use some advice from anyone who's been in my shoes, or close to it. My bf and I have been together almost two years. He is divorced with one son who he has two nights a week and one full day. I am a single mom with one son and I have him full time. We are in counseling right now because there's been a lot of talk about marriage and moving forward, but my bf's main fear is losing alone time with his son if we marry/live together. They have had this schedule for five years, and are very close. I am very open to working out a way for us both to get alone time with our children, but this is a real sticking point for him. I think he's just unable to see how it could work. His ex-wife just remarried, and they promptly moved both her new husband's two kids in with them full-time, which their son is none too happy about since he doesn't get along well with the daughter. We have a good relationship, but I wonder if this can ever work. Help please! TIA
I don't know which advice to
I don't know which advice to give first so I will go for the advice you want. LOL It can work, as long as you commit to giving him and his son alone time before moving in. If you really want to live with him agree (no matter what) to allow him that time alone with his son. If they want to hang out at the house, be ready to take your son to do something during that time (perfect excuse for the two of you to have alone time). If they want to go do something, don't ask to go. I am battling this from the opposite side. I am trying to get my husband to commit to one day a week where his business and I do not exist to his children. Children of divorce need that. Their worlds as they know them have been turned upside down and they are feeling extremely vulnerable. They need to see that mom or dad's new partner is not there to take their parent away. And trust me, after a while, you will welcome the time away from him and his son. Now, on to my advice that you didn't ask for but I'm going to offer it. Maybe rent townhouses or apartments right next door instead of blending. Let me tell you what. Blending could turn a nun hostile.
Okay, I'm sorry. I just had to throw that in there. I made a blog post about this. After two years of trying my hardest to blend, I am ready to buy a big property with two houses. Mine and his. If you just want a good chuckle, go read that post and the comments. I think we all had fun with it. If you do blend, just realize it is going to be the ultimate test of your relationship because it is hard. But it is worth it in the end.
If he had stayed with his
If he had stayed with his sons mother... would he demand alone time with his son from her? There is nothing wrong with *FAMILY* time.
I completely agree. Its great
I completely agree. Its great for him to have alone time with his son, but it shouldn't become something of a chore for the rest of the family. We were a blended family, and while we have daddy/daughter dates, and mother/son dates (etc) on occasion, we spend the majority of our time TOGETHER as a family. Because that is exactly what we are. A crazy, dysfunctional, wild family
The little bit of research
The little bit of research out there actually suggests that all parts of the blended family spend some one on one time with all the other parts. We don't carve it out definitively but we do this and it has worked well. Every Friday, SS is at his mom's, so DH and I take Tango lessons or go on a date or make dinner together. Within every two weeks, I end up watching SS for DH or BM and we go get shrimp since DH is allergic. I work evening/nights, so DH and SS get plenty of time to themselves.
You didn't mention the boys
You didn't mention the boys age but considering his situation at his mothers perhaps its time for Daddy to think about physical custody.
It takes a mother to raise a boy and a father to raise a man the saying goes.
He's a little obsessed with "alone" time. A boy can have "quality" time with Dad while watching him mow the lawn. What I did was take my kids camping once a month - we can do that year around in Southern California. He can do it weather permitting and its 100% quality time as they do camp chores and explore the wilderness.
Of course that will require a change in the visitation schedule but even if it came down to a trial most family courts allow every other weekend.
Now some generic advise. Don't get married. Far far better to leave things exactly the way they are. He's happy, you're happy and apparently everyone else is happy except the boy and his step-sister. And that can be changed as I suggested above.
It just seems like once everyone realizes they're locked into each other the s... hits the fan. Maybe not everyone but it only takes one and either of the two youngsters could be the cause of the end of your marriage to this guy. And if you insist for heavens sake don't have a kid.
Thank you so much everyone!
Thank you so much everyone! Please keep it coming, I have really, really needed input from others! Actually, our situation is pretty ideal right now. The way we met is I moved into the house upstairs from him (he has an apartment below me). Our sons do spend time together, and the four of us do hang out also. My son is six, and his nine, so definitely an age gap there. They play well together sometimes and bicker a lot others. His son does really need the time with his dad right now considering everything that's changed for him recently. I'm not pushing for anything to change in the immediate future, but marriage is something I want. I wouldn't want to be with a partner who didn't want that also, and he is doing everything he can to see how/if that could work for us (and expressed that he wants marriage too if it seems it would be comfortable for everyone involved). He's the one who suggested counseling as a way to try to work our way to where we need to be (whether that's marriage or realizing it's just not going to work). As for him having sole custody, that will not happen, and I don't think that's something he wants, and certainly not something his wife would agree to. He's definitely proved he's willing to go outside his comfort zone already to explore the possibility of this moving forward, but my feeling is it's not going to be easy, and you have to want it enough to make all that work worth it. We're coming from very different places with marriage, too - he's very cautious, because he doesn't want another marriage to fail. I've never been married, and am in my late thirties, and I want my own family. And we are both split as to whether we want another child. For now - yeah, we've got our hands full.
You have the ideal
You have the ideal situation........ So many of us would kill to have the arrangement that you currently have. My FDH and I dont live together, and I like it that way because we each have space... but due to custody issues we live 50 miles apart- which sucks.
I would LOVE to have a situation like you have- still get to spend time together but not be in each others pockets all the time... of course, FDH has 4, and I have 2 so the numbers are different...