Have you considered going to family counseling? It may help just getting all of this out on the table with a neutral 3rd party to help you sort through everything that is going on?

Truly sorry you are going through this. Doesn't seem fair at all. Good luck.

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ ; )

there obviously is something else going on. As a SM myself, I can't imagine saying those things to my DH, even though I despise his children. They are rude and obnoxious and other things....but I have reason. Also, DH feels almost the same way about his oldest daughter. The jury is still out on SD17.

What reasons does she give for not liking him? Something MUST have happend....

I think I was like your wife once. I felt the same way. I never wanted my sd around. She was weird, watched too much tv, never had friends, etc. But she was a good kid, talked to me, got good grades, etc. It doesn't matter what your son does it will never be good enough. Even if you have him 10% of the time it will be too much. I know how it is...

What it comes down to is your wife married you and knew you had a kid. She has to accept it. She has no choice. She choose to marry you. And yes, if she loved you she would accept your son.

What she doesn't know now is if she continues her life will only get worse. Your son will end up hating her. He will start fighting for your time and attention. It will only make her life worse...and yours. And your marriage will eventually end.

All I can say is when I was like your wife my life was hell. I was angry all the time. I was never happy. I thought I loved my husband but I finally learned that I wasn't treating him like I loved him. It took counseling and prayer for me to realize that my sd isn't bad and I don't hate her. Loving and caring for someone is a choice. It really is. If she works hard and decides she will like/love and care about your son for you she will eventually really do it. Mind over matter. Sounds weird but it works.

Another thought...maybe antidepressants would work. Maybe it truly is an anger issue that she can't get over without the help of an antidepressant. It kind of takes the edge off. It's worth a try. It worked for me.

Good luck.

I think it is sad, If your wife truely makes you "SAY" the half brother thing, In our house as my 2 kids aren't BIO my DH's and we have no kids together (and can't) we NEVER tell any of the kids it is STEP anything. It is always just brother and sister's. My SD14 loves to tell my kids that DH is their step dad(DH has been my kids dad since my son was 3 and my daughter was 2-3 months old), which is a BAD WORD in our house. That is mean and cruel. We have been trying to not split hairs, and be a family, at all costs. IMHO you should sit down and tell your W that she needs to "give" your son a chance. We all can say the very worst things in the world about the HELL we go through daily, BUT WE ALL STILL TRY. Never would any of "US" here on ST condone this type of treatment to a child. I am sure you do things wrong as we all do. As I am sure so does your son, But if she loves you she should try to make your son apart of the family or there isn't a family. It is you, your sonS and then her and your one son? It should never start this way & if it does then thats where it will end sooner then later... Your marriage should be 1st unless it is TRUELY the way you tell it and you must protect you boys both of them.... I think anyhow

~~It's been said that parenting is the toughest job in the world. Wrong. It's the second toughest: Stepparenting wins hands down.~~

Was she different while on the antidepressants? Did they help?

I was the same way. I wanted to know why I had to take antidepressants to accept my sd. What an angry life I led. I NEVER want to be that person again. Awful. I remember being mad at the counselor too for telling me I had to accept my sd. I feel like this was a lifetime ago! (it was less than a year ago!)

Part of me didn't want to change because it was "comfortable" and I was used to it. But part of me knew I had to change or I would lose my husband. I didn't want that to happen.

I hope you will find strength and peace at your church. I know what a living hell I put my husband through. I would rather kill myself than put him through that again. Truly.

Good luck.

What I read from your posts makes me feel like the two of you are so alienated from each other right now, you have stopped being able to feel like you are "on the same team," so to speak.

It is possible that your wife is just a grade-A b****, and that your son is a perfect lamb, and that you are blameless. But I'm going to assume -- because it's easier to fix, frankly -- that there's blame to go around, and that all of you have made some mistakes that have escalated, and now you and your wife are so angry with one another that you consider each other the enemy and read bad things into everything the other does. (By the way, I'm not going to focus on your son's behavior, because I'm sure he's a nice kid, and if he's done some bad things I'd rather focus on how the situation might be making him react.)

I don't know that much about OCD or OCPD, and there are things in the posts above that sound pretty difficult to overcome, but from reading DogLover's posts, I'm going to assume that those can be worked on, so the advice I'm going to give is given as though the two of you are two well-meaning but imperfect people who have grown apart and need to figure out how to fix this.

So. I have experience as a stepmom, and I've talked to LOTS of them and read a lot about this stuff. So, I think I can read situations pretty well. (For the record, my relationship with my H is wonderful, I adore him, and my stepkids love me -- so I think you'd consider me a success story, which might have an effect on how you receive my comments.)

Here are some things you said:
"He's not a bad kid, never does anything wrong, he gets good grades, she just doesn't like him.
...we're pretty much getting by day-to-day right now and I love my wife.
...but it's like my wife is making me choose - her or my son.
what parent wouldn't choose the son given that?"

My take: you loved your wife when you married her, right? You didn't think she was an awful person then, right? And yet, you're saying that there's nothing in this situation that would make your wife dislike your son's presence. She "just doesn't like him." You're also implying that you are being forced to choose between him and her.

What I think is going on with her: She has felt, for quite a while, that you don't support her, and that when your son does things that she doesn't like, you brush her off and say that he's just a kid, he's not doing anything wrong, if she doesn't like what he does she should just ignore it, etc. Would you say that's how you have generally handled her complaints about him? Has she ever said to you anything like this: she wishes you would have your son pick up after himself more, or that you would be a little bit better about disciplining him, or that you let it go too often when he doesn't do what he's supposed to do, or that it's her house, too and she deserves to have her say in what the rules are in it?

I don't know your wife, but I know the people on this site (including the people you're saying sound a lot like your wife). I don't think it's really about your son, for her. It's that she feels that you already HAVE chosen your son over her, that you CONSTANTLY choose your son over her in terms of who gets attention in your house when he's there, who gets a free pass for things he does that she doesn't like, etc. She feels like she is not in control in her own home. And she feels like your primary relationship is not with her -- your wife -- it's with your son.

Think of what this relationship would be like if you had both come to it never having been married, and with no children from any previous relationship. Wouldn't she be the primary relationship in your life? When your kids came along, wouldn't you raise and nurture them together, but make decisions regarding discipline, chores, family routines, etc. etc. together? In that kind of relationship, a wife wouldn't feel as though she was coming in last place in terms of her husband's loyalty, and she would know that she was 50% of the relationship and 50% of the decision-making power. My guess is, your wife feels like she has very little power or control over her life in that house. And it's coming out in hostility toward your son, because when he's there is when all this is so much more obvious to her.

I'm not trying to bash you, Splitheart. I'm sure she's doing things "wrong", too. I'm just trying to show you that the way you wrote your post implied that your wife was totally in the wrong, and also suggested that you were kind of in a defensive position and not so willing to try to listen to what's going on UNDER what she's saying and how she's acting.

One more thing, and then I'll stop. Let me recommend the book Stepmonster. It's actually more for people like your wife (women who have become stepmothers and who find it's an incredibly hard position to be in), but I think you could really stand to read it. And perhaps you could purchase a copy for your wife, too. Read it together, and ask her whether what she's reading about rings true for her situation. It might give you a little sympathy for her perspective, and bring you two closer to being in a position to talk to one another like you're on the same team, rather than as adversaries.

Best of luck,

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

is that your wife has a problem because your son won't make friends, and yet she admits that she doesn't like people. Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black. Maybe if she (or the two of you) would set an example on how to be outgoing and friendly to people (neighbors, etc.) he would follow suit.

It's so hard being the SM...I think if I had issues like OCPD or BPD, I too would be a "stepmonster". A sense of reasoning keeps those negative feelings in check but without that, I something think I'd be a raving mad woman most of the time!

Talk to her...Why does she not like your son? I'm not going to bash you, but keep in mind that since she's your wife, you took vows to her not your son. So, you choose her. It's that simple. However, as the man of your home, step up and get her some counseling and find out what is really going on and be an equal father to your son as much as you are to your new child...But something's def buggin' her...

"Blood doesn't matter. Love is the tie that binds..."

In total agreement with BB, when two people marry and neither has children, they are a TEAM; they plan their future, they go on trips together, they have a lot of private time to get to know one another.

HOWEVER, when children are in the mix (My H and I have 5 children combined, 4 of them adults, and it has NOT been an easy ride by any means), things become very distorted. There are no longer any boundaries. Just as my H's three daughters were very upset by their "dad" having a new "girl" (they're all now pushing 30), my own son (now 25) didn't like that there was a new "rooster" in the house. The Brady Bunch is true fiction, believe me.

Since you have a child together, my guess is that your wife is hoping you put "us" as first regarding her and your new son. I was just talking to my neighbors, first marriage for both, wife just had a child, and she is overwhelmed by the responsibility of a new child. Sleepless nights. Not knowing if the baby is sick or not. But, she has her hubby's 100% complete support.

I don't know if your W has a mental problem or not, but she may just be an exhausted new "mommy" who really needs her husband to be her BEST FRIEND and not worrying about a child who is not a "little boy" any more. He's older and shouldn't require all of his dad's attention. That's not to say you need to IGNORE the young man, but it may be a good thing to make him more helpful in his new "half-brother's" life.

Things are no longer black and white. Right or wrong. But, your first role is being a husband and supporting your wife.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

Does your wife have a full-time job? If she does, combine that with the STRESS of what your OWN small child is doing without her, I feel her pain. Again, that's called being a MOTHER.

And, if your concern is more about a 13-year-old and NOT your wife and your one year old new son (a life YOU created with your new wife), then I REALLY feel her pain.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

Every story has 2 sides and so I have to wonder which came first the chicken or the egg. Either way, you should have manned up a long time ago and done something when you weren't allowed to spend fathers day with your kd. It is your responsibility to protect your children from evil or abuse or otherwise he is going to be one mixed up little boy.
You should have seen the signs of her mental problems before you got married, today it is your kd and 10 years from now she is going to do the same thing to the other kd.
Sometimes I wonder if you have given her so much disrespect and crap in the past that she cant get beyond that or if she is a rigid as you say she is with all of her labels then why would you want to live in her environment?

I'm very impressed with a situation. As I'm myself in similar condition as your wife. My husband thinks, that i hate his kid, who is about 9 year old. From my side I can say this is not true Actually he is not a bad kid, and I do my best to be his friend.But i DO say to my H that "I don't like the TIME when he is over our place", for the following reasons:
1. I'm totally ignored when my ss in our place. I'm never included to any family activities and conversations. Usually my husband cooks. And when his son is over here, I'm almost never invited for breakfast, lunch or dinner. If they go somewhere, I usually learn where they are by calling him and asking.(when we are alone, he usually informs me where is he going)
2. My interests are not counted, if they cross the interests of his son. We are living in a small apartment, and I couldn't have my birthday party, because that was the weekend when my ss should be in our place. I advised to send him to his mom's or grandmom's house only for a night. But my H didn't agree on that, he wanted him to sleep in our place regardless. Or let's say I have a plans when we are supposed to be alone. But his ex calls, says that she has plans and asks him if my ss can stay with us. And of course, he comes over!
3. My H never gives me a hug or never says me that he loves me and cares about me in front of his son. But he does that to him all the time. Sometimes, I feel that he does that for purpose to hurt me or make me feel alone.
When we are alone, things changes so much! He is the most perfect husband which woman can desire.
I don't hate my ss. He is a good boy. But the time when he is in our home, is the hell for me!
I was trying to talk about this to my H many times. We even went to family counselor. But nothing changes for me
I also do not know what to do and how to change this. I love my husband, but I just can't live like this any more. I don't want to feel myself like NOTHING when his son comes.
So, splitheart, if your wife is in the same position as me, I totally understand her behaviors. Because I feel that I would act the same if my husband do not change. Or I will have to just leave him.
Good luck.

Sorry you are going through this...I think it is wrong...but I will say that most of the times I have seen this happen it is because the father goes above and beyond for the child and the smom feels like a third wheel...In a relationship the two parents should come first. Then the children should be equal...

I know my husband used to say that his daughter came first and I was very resentful...No, it should not be this way. Even in the bible it says husband/wife relationship is first...then kids...

Good luck to you...I know it's hard, but I think you need to try to understand this other point of view...please know that there will be some people out there who feel this way no matter what, but I have a feeling that is the exception and not the rule...

Wow, that is just terrible. I definitely like the family counseling idea; that isn't healthy and she needs to realize she is hurting YOU and this poor kid.

... is probably best for all parties involved, especially your son. He is removed from a borderline abusive relationship and finally gets to see you have a backbone. Good luck with everything!

NOW, I'm not sure I agree she is EVIL! Granted, I don't live in your house, I don't see how your wife is treating your son or how she speaks to him BUT I too have a step I just don't care for and I hardly think I'm evil. I try very hard and I am nice to him and throw him birthday parties and answer his 101 stupid questions and patiently ignore him as he talks through every movie, cook him whatever he wants for dinner, I bake brownies or cookies for when he comes over just because I know he like them. He is a good kid, polite for the most part, says please and thank you most of the time but for some reason he annoys every bone in my body. His voice annoys me. Maybe it is all the questions and talking through movies,etc. but sometimes it seems like it is just his existence in general, ya know nothing more than what he represents which is a srunken night with a stripper and no condom. Bottom line, it isn't easy to love someone elses child. My DH knows that I don't "love" his kid and he knows his kid gets on my nerves. He knows that i don't agree with the kind of person his mother is raising him to be and that it ultimately does affect my feelings for him because he isn't a kid I really like. He is the kid in school that teaches kids all the things good parents try to avoid their kids learning as long as possible. Not because he is a bad kid but simply because he doesn't know any better because that is what is "normal" in his house. I have flat out told him if I had a 10 year old I woudln't want his son hanging around mine. Again not because he is a bad kid or a mean kid he is just around alot of inapropriate stuff. Anyway, it would kill me if I thought my DH didn't respect me or just because I couldn't love his kid and was actually honest with him about it. My ss gets on my last nerves, and alot of the time I go back in to my bedroom because I have to get away from the constant questions and talking,etc. Just because you think the sun rises and falls out of your kids a** doesn't mean your wife is goign to and that should be OK! I do the best I can and but yeah I do wish he didn't have this kid with this stripper. I'm sorry that I feel that way btu I hardlythink it makes me a bad person or your wife. As long as she is nice to your son you can't lose respect for her just because she doesn't share your feelings/ove for a kid that isn't hers jsut because it's yours. It doesn't men I don't love my DH madly!!!! And same goes for your wife. It sucks, I know when DH and I have a baby as hard as I try I will probably obviulsy treat "my" child differently. I am human after all and obviously going to love my child who I carried in my tummy for 9 months more than some strippers kid who happens to be my DH's (and even that is questionable considering he never asked for a paternity test). Cut your wife a little slack. No one wants to be a step mom. It sucks. It's hard and everyone deals with it differently. Some of us have a harder time accepting the situation, it hardly makes us bad people.

Maybe you should address this with your wife and not a bunch of strangers, it seems a little shady to talk about your partner behind her back, you can go to therapy you know? Talking about ex-spouses or BM's, SK's is one thing, because most of those factors you dont have control over and most of those people can be uncooperative and you really cant do anything except seek support online... but your wife?
Seems like you need to address things with her, in therapy or something.
Not with a bunch of women online.

i like to say, make your marriage #1 and the rest will take care of itself. By nature, your wife would have wanted to take this house and make a home of it and to be a co-leader in the management of it. you did say that she is a teacher so i doubt she is predisposed to hating kids. i think that at some point you have underminded her and made her feel like an outsider by brushing off things that she says, conversing with your son about your marriage etc etc. i think that your wife is deeply hurt and is using your son to make you pay for it, immature yes, but hurt makes people do strange things. in my case ss shows up whenever, he wathes t.v all the time, doesn't have any friends....so that means when he is here it is 24 hours a day and only my dh, ss and his bm are privy to when he is leaving, i have no clue. do i sound like i am now harboring resentment, well yes. what level of the totem pole would you say i am at, as well as your wife????
i would give serious consideration to structure to the visits from your son. discuss with your wife so she can feel like you acknowledge that this is her house too. yes he is your son but this is your wife's house not his and shouldn't she (as well as me) have some say in when people come in and out of it? it drives me nuts. what the heck is wrong with structure anyway, i bet that many of us here want that, considering many of the vents are about the lack of structure with rules aka guilt parenting on dh's behalf. i think (as i do about my dh) that your wife feels that there are no rules that she can influence (in her own house). likely as i do, i figure if i have no say in what goes on in my house when it comes to ss, then why should i participate at all? at this point for me i am seriously considering seperate housing, if there are 2 sets of rules then maybe there should be 2 castles......you need to do something to make your wife feel that it is marriage first and nothing can break that, i'm sure that would do a world of difference, i know i would. keep in mind that you have a steep hill to climb, this didn't happen overnight and resentment is a difficult thing to overcome.

She knew you had a son before you were married.. How did she treat him then?
I find it very insulting that there are not pictures of your son and only pictures of your new child and her family on the walls.
That is your home also and it is YOUR job to make your first son as a presence in that home. You need to put pictures up and not make him feel like as though he has to do all the work to buddy up to his step mother.
She will hopefully get the message that both of your Bio children mean the same to you and you will not have one feeling as an outsider.

Splitheart...
I speak for MYSELF here. Most SM (StepMoms) have some type of jealousy towards kids that are not their own. Sometimes we feel that the bond between the Dad and his child is stronger than the bond between us and them. It is natural to feel those feelings. With time you come to understand that the relationships are different. The love you share between you and your child is different from the love you share with your partner. They are both strong loves and both are genuine. However, taking those jealous feelings and verbalizing them to YOU is cruel. Showing a child that you have ill feelings towards him is also incredibly cruel and evil. As a mother I would NEVER allow a man to mistreat my children. Mentally, emotionally or physically. YOUR child is yours and you should not allow your wife or ANYONE to mistreat him. Ask her how she would feel if down the line your marriage failed and her new partner said those things about her baby? What would she do to him? Would she allow it? Sometimes people need to see things from another perspective before they can understand the pain they inflict on their loved ones.
She may never love your child as if he was her own but saying that she doesn't care about him is unacceptable and I suggest you do something about it. Nobody said dealing with blended families is easy. It takes a certain level of maturity and a good open heart to accept things and see them as they really are.
I am anxious to see how this turns out. Your boy is more than likely suffering in silence and that is truly heartbreaking.

Best Wishes...

That is really sad. You have every right to expect that your wife will treat your child with respect and make every attempt to treat him like family, especially if he is a good kid. My heart goes out to him. I can't imagine feeling unwanted like that. I suggest counseling for your wife seperately and counseling for you and your son.You and your son need it to keep your bond strong and she needs to get help. What she is doing is not normal.

Splitheart:

It sounds like your wife has some resentment issues toward your son. Unfortunately, it sounds like she resents him for even existing! I applaud your efforts to seek help in keeping your family together.

This is definitely something your wife needs to deal with either through biblical counseling or talking with a pastor/counselor through a church. You can ensure you're doing everything you can as a husband and father-enforcing rules, ensuring your son is being respectful toward his stepmother, and encouraging her to seek help and change her behavior.

An earlier reply mentioned the possibility of you or your son's mother telling your wife that your son is none of her business and to butt out-as a SM, I have heard this countless times from my husband's ex, but your son is definitely her business-maybe this resentment is a defense mechanism because of something said to her from you or your ex wife.

I think the majority of the problem lies within your wife and her immaturity-please encourage her to speak with someone about these feelings! It makes everyone miserable to be around someone who is miserable-and your son needs to know he is a priority in your life, and your wife's!

I'm defending your wife here so you may not want to continue reading.
What type of degree do you or anyone have to give her the diagnosis I've been reading?
I never said what your wife did to you but I felt it.
My husband had his child move in with us shortly after getting married. I was excited at first because I thought it was in the best interest of the kid.
After said child moved into the house I was reduced to maid status and ignored by both of them. I was expected to work full time and help pay for a child who wasn't really "bad" but he wasn't really good either. I never had a schedule, never knew who was going to be home or when, but was expected to have a dinner on the table for them when they waltzed in. I was treated without respect I could go on but I won't. After time I started to hate this kid. His father wouldn't make him do anything, clean up after himself, do his homework, bring the dirty dishes out of his room, be home at a decent time. His father really didn't want to do anything with him. In my eyes his father just didn't want his ex to have him. Neither parented and I was expected to become super mom overnight cooking, cleaning, working to pay the bills but I was treated like a maid and a guest in my own home.
I'm not in your house but I do know there are 2 sides to every story and I don't live there, but I think you need to make sure you are treating your wife like a wife and give it time. It won't be fixed over night but if sounds to me like you have given brought this son too much into a spousal type relationship and not enough parent/child relationship. That would make any spouse jealous, resentful and plain mad.

I have a step mother who I know does not like me. I am an adult though, and never had to grow up with her in an environment, knowing how much she dislikes me. Some women just don't know how to do it. Lots of us women who have step children, struggle with it on a daily basis...personally, I never want my sd(14) to feel from me, the feelings I have from my step mom.

I would like to think that if I were younger, my dad wouldn't stay with his wife if I were being mistreated by her. I would like to think that he would be my champion. I would like to think that he would not be able to love someone who wasn't kind and loving to his own child.

At the same time, I just wrote a post today that said I wished I could erase my sd from our lives?!?!?! Feelings I am not proud of at all. As a child who struggles with their relationship to the step mom, it is very hard to live with that dislike. Your home is supposed to be your safe place. Your family your sheild.

I know their are times when my husband wishes I were different in regards to his daugther. There are plenty of times I wish I were too. Good luck.

I can't stand to read all this. It makes my heart break for your young boy.

Your son needs you. He is at the age when boys need their Dads most. You are his father. Do whatever it takes to make him feel loved and wanted. Get a place where you can spend time together without all that negative walking on eggshell abusive nonsense.

If your wife doesn't like it - wtf is that?

Stand up for him whatever you do. Don't choose anyone who does not encourage support and help you love your son.

My relationship with my SSs is not always easy but I wouldn't do anything ever to make it difficult for my DH to have a close loving relationship with them. That is just evil. I don't care what the diagnosis is. The effect on your son will be devastating and us grown ups with children are obliged to do what is right by them.