My kids have decided they don’t like my partner
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Really need some help right now how to navigate this.
we have lived as a blended family for nearly 2 years, I don't think there have been any major issues, just the odd squabbling between step siblings but nothing out of the ordinary. I have D15 and S13 and 4 SKs, recently they have both told me they don't like my partner and they want to go and live with their dad, this is a shock for me and I don't know how to handle it? Does anyone have any advice?
My son says my partner shouts too much at them all and my daughter overheard an argument between us and got upset and said to me her dad wouldn't of treated me like that.
I just don't know what to do and feel really upset and blind sided by this.
any advice would be greatly appreciated
I haven't told my partner
I haven't told my partner this yet, I don't want to hurt him, he does shout but it's not undeserved and I support him. I just don't know what to do
We need to know more to be
We need to know more to be able to help you. Your SO shouts at your kids. OK, so why does he do that? Do you parent them sufficiently? The reason I ask is because as a step-parent, it's nothing less than soul-destroying to be working in a job you hate and not being able to come home ot your sanctuary. Your home is not a sanctuary because your SKs are above you in the hierachy. You can cook, clean, pay and yet you're not appreciated and have no say.
You even admit that your SO's shouting at your kids isn't undeserved. Well, OK, so what are YOU doing about their behaviour? Are you lacklustre in your requirements for your kids? That's so frustrating for those of us who don't have biological parent love goggles on when we look at the kids in our home that we contribute to.
Sorry, I should have gone back to read your previous posts. Anyway, I wonder what your SO's complaints are. What exactly does he say to you? When he does say something do you really hear him? Even if you don't agree, acknowledgement goes a long way. I would have had more respect for my DH had he ever admitted that he didn't want to do anything about my SKs' behaviour than to just act willfully blind.
Keep in mind that my response is based on a bitter SM with coddled fawned on infantilized spoiled personality disordered enittled narcissistic pieces of work who were placed waaaaaaaaaaay above me. Maybe your SO really is a dick. I don't know.
My OH thinks I'm a soft touch
My OH thinks I'm a soft touch and we have different expectations about behaviour, I do think I let things slide whereas he doesn't and I suppose we need to have a conversation about this as probably if I did the shouting the maybe he wouldn't be the 'bad guy'. He often doesn't like the way the kids speak to me and their back chat and often has to hold his tongue about it. I think I need to step up in reality.
I totally get what your SO is
I totally get what your SO is saying about how he doesn'tl ike the way your kids speak to you and he has to hold his tongue about it. You are right that if you parented your kids, your SO wouldn't have to. We often talk about that on Steptalk. I added another comment below.
OK, I went back and read your
OK, I went back and read your previous blogs. It seems that you both have Disneyland parent tendencies towards at least one of your bio kids.
In previous blogs I see you admitting that your DS is annoying and that he's asked to come along with you and your SO to go for a drink at a pub. What do you tell your DS? Do you bend and stay home or do you let him come?
First and foremost I would sit with your SO and you two MUST have a regular date night just the two of you. No kids are allowed to come, no kids' tactics to sabotage it will be allowed, and so on. If you two can't connect one on one at regular intervals, your relationship is doomed. You two may have to sit down and go over how you both will stand strong to any kid manipulations and how often you two need to go for your one on one. Maybe find a trusted adult the kids can call. DH and I got to the point of telling the kids that that three digit number is for emergencies. We made the plan to stand straong.
Sit with yourself. Yes, sounds crazy, but sit with yourself. Even before you sit with your SO. It's just you and your thoughts. Really ask yourself the tough questions. Are you too soft with your DS? If so, what changes will you make? Ask yourself if you were in your SO's shoes would you be annoyed by your DS and you reactions of lack thereof to him? Come up with a parenting plan for yourself.
Then, go to your SO and tell him you had a sit-down with yourself and tell him what you realized and what your plan is. And from there, present to your SO that you want a nice peaceful home. You want him to feel happy and content in his home. He is the king of the castle and you are the queen and let's come up with house rules for all of the kids. Do they need to have a rotating chore chart? What will happen if any of the kids fails to do their chore on their assigned day? How will you and your SO, as the parents, remain steadfast in the rules? Will you have a family meeting to let the kids know there will be changes and that the aim is for a happy, well-run house and to reduce chaos?
I really think regular one on one with your SO and having a household plan will help tremendously. With you both having kids and both of you being frustrated, you two can't just wing it. The resentment has already started. I honestly think a household plan at this stage of living together will help fix things early enough on that things will work out.
I'm still in therapy after four years due to the blended crap and the above is what I learned. I hope it helps.
To be completely blunt about
To be completely blunt about it.. you and your partner were probably not a great match given the issues with your kids and his. You both are soft on your own kids.. and neither of you like it when the other parent pushes in and tries to parent them.
Honestly, if you are being an effective parent, there should be ZERO reason that your husband is shouting at your children. But, it sounds like issues seem to perpetuate and so he feels he has to step in.
On HIS side.. he had some bad habits like co-sleeping with his kids.. and is closed off when YOU have any criticism of his kids.. which I'm sure can be annoying.. all kids are at times.
Ideally, in your situation..as the adults, you would come to a meeting of the minds on standards of behavior in the home, of chores (or no chores).. for all the kids in the home.. and each of you would parent your respective children to those standards and rules. You would not step in to "parent".. ie discipline each other's children unless the child is in immediate peril (or the house is...lol).
So, let's say the kids are supposed to do all homework when they get home.. it's fine, as SM to ask all the kids..if they have done their homework.. and if they have not.. you can report that to the other parent to deal with consequences.. BUT.. if his younger child is about to put a fork in the electric outlet.. you can stop them from doing that.. If they are throwing paint on the walls.. you can send them to their room.. so that dad can deal with the consequences later.
You husband should never be shouting at your kids.. if they are willfully not following a rule and you are there too.. he needs to insist YOU deal with it. If he is there alone.. if it is a danger issue.. he can tell kid to stop.. but otherwise.. have you deal with it when you come home.
Correction without Connection breeds resentment.. and that's what you have now. Your teens feel unfairly targeted by him. It sounds like his tendency to shout may in some ways scare them too..
If you aren't able to make changes in your home.. and change the dynamic that your SO is exhibiting in the home towards your kids.. you probably may want to consider letting the kids go to their dad's.
Question.
How do you feel about this? Can you live with your DH and his kids, knowing that your own kids are leaving the household because they're unhappy in a situation you find acceptable?
At the age they are now it's quite likely that they will resist visitation, if not immediately, at least soon. Are you ready for this?
Honestly, I could not have done this unless my kids were acting out egregiously and I had tried every single thing to get them back on track. And I would have supported my husband in making a similar choice under the same circumstances.
How was the arguement that your daughter overheard?
How was the arguement that your daughter overheard? Was your DH out of line towards you?
I read your previous blogs.
I read your previous blogs. All i can say is that's a lot of damn kids to have in one house. He coslept with his and tried to kick you out of bed. Your son has some behavior issues. They aren't happy, you aren't happy.... it's a lot. Can you go to counseling? Couples and family? I would move out on my own before i let my kids move out to live with their dad while i lived with 4 stepkids. But i also wouldn't let my kids run the show. It's a tough situation. I sort of feel you because i started off moving fast with my SO and getting very involved with his kids. I realized my error and corrected, but some damage was done as far as missing time with my youngest and failing to be as present as i should have been. You still have time to correct, too. You only have a few more years with your kids. Like i said, make sure you are doing what's best for them without letting them run the show, which is ultimately not good for them. Counseling may help.
Thanks
Thanks very much for the really useful balanced replies, i really appreciate it.
the previous issues have been resolved through talking things through and i think that's what needs to be done here.
my OH is in my opinion quite strict and sometimes i think quite harsh with the punishment which makes him think I'm a soft touch. I also don't tend to discipline his kids which he also thinks makes me a soft touch, I will tell them off if they need telling off but if they carry on or won't listen I'll ask him to step in. He on the other hand treats them all equally when it comes to telling them off. But on the flip side of this he is not as affectionate with my kids which is fine but I can see that him shouting at them and punishing them is all they see of him.
I have spoken to my son and he said he would rather I told him off so I think this is where I need to step up going forward.
its really heartbreaking for my kids to tell me they want to stay at their dads more because they are unhappy with me and I feel like I've failed, I just want to try and fix things but i just don't know how.
I agree
You need date night. Once a week. Where just the two of you go out. To. The pub, movies, shopping with a bit to eat after. Just away from the kid. You must decide. If you are going to let your kids control your life . If you give in on this the kids win. The grass is always greener on the next side. 1