Is my 16 y/o SS being inconsiderate or am I just too picky?
Hi everyone. I am new to this group. I really need some support because to be quite honest, I am ready to call my 4 year relationship / engagement off. I'm hoping to find some things I can relate to because I feel so alone and like a complete monster!
Anyhow, SS is 16 years old. His dad doens't expect much from him. He goes to school and when he is off he is either in his room or at the rec center. Which is good because he is not a trouble maker. I do not agree with his parenting style. Dad just bought him a car. Buys him whatever he wants. Doesn't make him cook EVER. The kid doesn't even know how to operate a microwave without someone instructing him. He pretty much spoils the kid and in my opinion, is setting him up for failure.
I work from home. When he comes home from school, I am still working. He is always hungry when he gets home but has never tried to feed himself. The burden falls on me and if not, his dad comes home with an attitude or hassling me about food. "What is there to eat??" It completely distracts me from my work.
I LOVE my home to be clean. I spend time every single day cleaning our home. My partner and his son will take out the trash and pick up afer themselves 75% of the time, some because of my nagging, but that's it. So after me spending my breaks from work cleaning the house, sweeping, mopping, scrubbung and they come home tracking dirt in the house, leaving crap all over, etc., it ruins my mood. I become a petty nag that I hate to be. It's like they are coming home to this irrational, grumpy monster who makes them uncomfortable. My partner and I have been doing lot of fighting about it recently. He gets very defensive and upset if I bring up something his son has done, even if I say it in the nicest way possible. In fact, I will have the conversation over and over in my head, and work up the biggest nerve to even mention it.
I work in finance, so this is my busiet season at work. A couple of weeks ago, I very gently told my partner I need more help around the house. I can't be stressing about a dirty house while I am working. The next morning, I wake up to his sons dirty dishes on the counter. I was really annoyed. Partner and I almost broke up over this. He immediately started saying things like "What about YOUR daughter who leaves the fan in her room on?!!!". I am just so drained with having to constanty remind him to tell his son to stop leaving dirty dishes in the sink, stop leaving dirty cups on the counter, stop going into my bathroom and taking the toilet paper out without replacing it, don't leave your shoes in the middle of the floor, don't leave your face cleanser out on the sink, wipe the mirror down. These are things I feel like I am nagging about EVERY SINGLE DAY! Am I being petty here? Are these just small little inconveniences that I should just take care of rather than get mad about? I truly don't know. I am starting to feel like I am just awfu to livewth or be around, but I am also growing very resentful of this kid.
So.... It sounds like some of
So.... It sounds like some of what frustrates you is that at 16.. his son doesn't seem to learn from repetitive situations.
Like after school snack... I mean.. he should be shown his "snacks" and what he can make himself.. then when he asks.. "go check the snack drawer.. or make yourself a sandwich.. you need to stop doing this FOR him and start teaching him HOW to do it.. he may screw up a few times.. like my SD's when they forgot to add water to their oatmeal.. but he can and should learn.. and since it is inconveniencing you.. you need to address it in the moment.
The other stuff.. just go to your SO every time.. Hey... dishes in the sink..on the counter.. can you take care of them? he say's they aren't mine? they are your son's.. if he isn't doing it.. you need to.
some of the other stuff is a bit minutae.. if he has a bathroom that no one else uses.. shut the door.. lol.
Agreed
The snack stuff - work with him to make a drawer of things he can eat. And a few hot things he can pop into a toster or microwave. 16 year old boys are HUNGRY! All the time! I loved mine with all my heart, but even I got exasperated with the amount of food he went through (and he prepared it himself, and always ate his dinner, and was fit and trim). Make food easy, and help him to get self sufficient.
The other stuff - I'd say yes, you're being petty. And since you're an accountant and in your busy season it's drving you even crazier. Maybe try to compromise? You're not the only one living there and perhaps they don't all have your exacting need for perfection. He leaves his facewash on the counter? Who cares? He probably uses it every day and in some ways the couter is a good spot for it. (At least you know he's using it consistently). Unless your bathroom is so small that people cannot have a spot on the counter for their daily stuff this is not something to fuss over. The dishes are in the sink for a few hours or even (gasp) overnight. As long as it's not bring bugs or mice, pehaps you can let it slide. His room is a mess (again, no bugs, no mice...) close the door. Living with an obsessively neat person is as frustrating as living with a slob. Neither gives any grace for the other person to be themselves. Not lazy of course, but maybe not exactly to your standards.
He'll likley be gone in a few years and you and your husband will have the house to yourself.
I do agree with teaching him some basic cooking skills though. Tell your DH that you're worried he'll be in college in just a few years and has no idea how to cook. He'll be "that" guy in the dorm. If your highschool has a cooking class suggest that both kids should have to take it (SS and your DD). It's a great way to meet girls
I disagree.
I disagree.
Slobs are not fun to live with. Why should OP have to "shut the door on it" and just put up with it?
Also because his daddy doesn't encourage him to clean up after himself, or learn the most basic of cooking skills, this kid will be a helpless leech and there's no guarantee he'll "likely be gone in a few years". He won't have the life skills to cope with the big wide world.
OP, I don't think you're being too picky. You didn't state, but is the house yours, your partner's, or do you own it jointly?
Neatnicks are no fun to live
Neatnicks are no fun to live with either. (OP this is not directed at you, or Kaylee). People who are obsessively neat are just as dysfunctional as slobs. People who care more about appearances than people, about tidiness than human beings are no better than people who let things slide and enjoy life. I have lived with an obsessively neat person, never never again! I sweep and mop my floors multiple times a week, Dishes are done daily. I am not a slob, but I absolutely gave grace to my kids to be as tidy or messy as their personalities dictated as long as they didn't destroy anything or introduce vermin to the house. As adults they keep their own houses the way they want, no hoarders, no neatnicks. They care more about the people in their homes than appearances.
When one agrees to live with other people one takes on the responsibility of compromise. They need to be somewhat neat. The neatnick needs to find some chill. But everyone needs to be able to feed themselves.
I agree that being a neat
I agree that being a neat freak is no better than being a slob however some people's idea of what is neat is very different than others. I like my home to be clean with little clutter. I disinfect door knobs and other high touch areas on a weekly basis, more when illnesses are going around. I try to keep things clean and sanitized enough that germs aren't spread around to others.
The steps take after BM. For some god-only-knows-why reason they like to wash their dirty dishes by hand. They follow a lot of rules that they have unilaterally decided are better for the environment without actually knowing any facts. After they wash them, their "clean" dishes are still greasy and covered it food. I have to take their "clean" dishes off the drying rack and put them into the dishwasher. They fling their DIRTY underwear all over the room they're sleeping in including throwing it onto the furniture. It's gross.
It's hard to live with people who are so different from how you are.
IMHO "Presentable" is the standard.
For damned sure if someone does not deliver to the stated standard it is game on as far as the relative state of their contribution to maintaining whatever standards is stipulated by the adult in the home with the most stringent stndards.
I would not want to live with either a slob nor an operating room sanitized spit and polish individual.
The adult with the highest standards is the standard setter in the home and family IMHO. After that it is on everyone in the home to deliver to that standard.
Ask your partner why he doesn
Ask your partner why he doesn't love his son enough to ensure he grows up into an idependent, considerate, decent adult. This is is job as his parent. Ask him if he understands that non-parenting is lazy parenting and a cop-out.