My 15yo BiPolar stepson is driving me to divorce?
Greetings all....
My wife and I have been fighting over college education costs lately. I have 3 stepkids. I adore the 2 girls ( 18 and 13 ) and really don't like my Bipolar 15 yo stepson at all. The reason we are fighting about college education is because my wife and the BD ( who is a pilot and makes above $150k a year) did not plan or saved for any of the 3 kids education. I have been asked to help pitch in.
I him and haw with her for 1 main reason. I sincerley have no qualms with helping the 2 girls who i adore. But i feel if i help them i will be obligated to help SS. i cannot stand the thought of giving the kid a dime. In fact, I dont even like providing anything to him. He is the most disrespectful, back talking, smart ass, selfish, control freak kid I have ever known. He makes no sense and he is obsessive and if he don't get his way or hears no he causes HELL in our home. I cannot discipline him because mom knows i dont like him and feel i cannot be impartial. At this point, i just dont want anything to do with him. i want him to leave and live elsewhere permanately.
He no longer visits BD as they have a rough relationship as well. I have him almost 24/7.
My dislike for him has grown since we found out he's gay as well.
My wife and i no longer have 10 days a month of peace and alone time. That meant so much to me in our relationship.
I love and want my wife, My 18yo SD, My 13 yo SD, and my own 8yo daughter but cannot live much longer with SS.
If i leave, i hurt 5 people. If I stay, I hurt myself plus resentment is building in my marriage.
I feel trapped. Thoughts?????
P.S.. Bipolar SS has been seeing psychiatrists, counselors, nutrionist, etc for many years now. They all seem more about hugs then help and the one therapist i did like my wife thought was too harsh. Been with SS mom now 11 yrs. SS was not right since day one but no one could have imagined where it is today.
Well, you shouldn't have to.
Well, you shouldn't have to. And honestly, I bet you that pilot paid a bunch of CS to your wife...you'd think she would have saved some.
You probably don't want to
You probably don't want to hear that you've done it for this long - hang in there for 3-4 more years. Actually if ss has such behavioral issues you might have to have him a year or two longer then if he didn't have bipolar.
College tuition aside, have you talked with dw about perhaps putting him into some sort of boarding school for behaviorally challenged kids? Have you tried medications? My daughter has bi polar and medication helped so much. I know a lot of people are against medicating kids but he's a teen and it might just help him get through high school, and keep your marriage intact.
Have any of the therapists discussed boarding school or meds? Discipline can be tough with a kid like your ss. It has to be very consistant and very structured, thus the school suggestion.
Best of luck. Try to find a solution and stay with the wife and kids.
How is it that the bio dad
How is it that the bio dad got off scot-free but you have to have him 24/7? I would fix that first. Lots of parents have trouble with their completely "normal" teens, but that doesn't mean they don't have to deal with it.
Second, if you do want to help the girls (even though you shouldn't have to), then help the girls, allowing the bios to help the boy more. You free up money for him...although I honestly can't see him going to college if things are as bad as you say they are.
Dad is a pilot and it seems
Dad is a pilot and it seems BM benefitted from that hefty CS check and had him more?
Oh BD- daughter BF - father -
Oh BD- daughter
BF - father - took me awhile there.
Exnay on college money - you don't have to give a reason or a penny. BM and BF can well afford college expenses Daddy will just have to skip a new car every year or whatever.
As for the boy all you have to do is have a mental 180. This kids words are irrelevent if you let them be that. It's only when you let your feelings get in the way do they become a problem. He's NOT YOUR KID. Let the bio-parents deal with him. Check this out:
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
My SS is on Meds..Ambilify
My SS is on Meds..Ambilify and 3 others. I have suggested in patient therapy. I also suggested he live somewhere else. That alone almost ended our marriage. Our intimacy has suffered greatly as well. All 3 of the other kids dont like living at home with him. Our 18yr old storms out constantly because of the fighting. And its not all just with me. He fights with everyone including mom. Mom is in denial and thinks he will change but he gets worse. He has been in trouble with the law and has failed classes. He attended summer school which was a big inconvienence to us.
His dad is going through another divorce and SS refuses to go over there. They fight as well. He doesn't like men in authority roles because , I think, he knows he cannot manipulate us with threats of suicide and knows we will follow through on anything we say.
Mom holds grudges against me if I engage him. However, I will not let him badger the other kids or myself.
My wife feels I have been in their lives for 11 yrs and "owe" them an education. She also feels that she should use her paycheck for the kids education while I support her. She doesn't see how that is just like me paying.
My wife gets real defensive about him even though he treats poorly often. She has guilt because the mental illness is from her side of the family.
I can't even entertain the thought of him living with us into his 20's. Not happening..no way. I am thinking that for the best thing for my 8yr BD is to split now and then see if she comes back to me. At least then i could have some negotiation leverage on the terms to return.
Another fight tonight with SS for taking the computer away from daughter because he felt his need was more important. When will the fighting and crying stop?
Given your SS's mental health
Given your SS's mental health issues he is a candidate for a residential therapeutic program like John Dewey Academy in Mass. You need to find a special education lawyer in your state and get a consultation. You also need a good child psychiatrist who will recommend such placement and you have to go through a long process with your school district to get them to fund it. That's why you need a laywer. It is not easy, nor is it cheap, but it is doable. There are schools out there that know how to turn kids around. Medications may not provide the entire solution.
Another option is to find him a bed in a group home through your local mental health system. That is typically a temporary solution. Contact NAMI or look up your county mental health resources. Feel free to email me privately for more specific ideas.