Mayday! Mayday!
I met my husband on a blind date January, 2008. Getting to know him was like being reacquainted with an old friend, he's the most amazing person I've ever met and truly is my best friend. However, he came with some heavy baggage. I knew going into this relationship that he and I would be met with some resistance, not only is he 18 years my senior, but he has 3 children (all girls) and one mean ass ex wife set permanently on search and destroy.
My husband had been legally divorced for about a months when I met him, but they had been separated for quite some time. I admit, our relationship did escalate faster than we had anticipated. We met, got engaged a month later, moved in together a month after that and have been together ever since. We just got Married on the 28th of August... here's the kicker... his ex wife and his children don't know that yet. (DUN DUN DUN)
I've got to admit, my husband has beautiful children... but they can be really mean and hurtful like their mother. Their mother has done a good job at turning them against their father and I. She uses my age to belittle me quite often (I am 21 and my husband is 40). I've done everything I can to build a healthy relationship with his children but they want none of it. I'm the wicked witch that has "stolen" their father away, their mother has convinced them that because of my age I have a daddy complex and am competing for their father's love, even though I leave them alone together every chance I get so they can have their own time. They are rude, hurtful and manipulative, after they visit they run back to their mother and find things to bitch about... like how their father bought me a sun tea jar for $3.99 and how I buy brand name mayonnaise, or how they found my adult toy cleaner in my bathroom (their mother even faults me for that, even though they wouldn't have found it if they weren't snooping through my private things.)
I feel bad for dreading them coming over, I understand that these are my husbands children and he loves them, but sometime they are monsters! They blame me and their father for everything, they feel entitled to all of his extra money even though he pays over $740 a month, their mother says that's not enough and that he should pay half of all of their extra expenses too... even when he was laid off for 8 months. I can't stand them, I'm having a lot of trouble accepting them... and I have no idea how to do anything different from what I am doing. Am I a bad person because a loath my 3 beautiful step daughters who don't even know I'm officially their step mom yet?
Because of all of these issues we're having they weren't invited to our wedding because we were afraid his ex wife would insist on coming, and that would be uncomfortable in a gathering of 12.
... so how do we tell them we got married and they weren't invited?
I think one has a birthday
I think one has a birthday coming up... I believe they are 14, 15 and 17.
ugh...enough said. Good
ugh...enough said. Good luck!
Well this says alot. You are
Well this says alot. You are not much older than they are! I think you are going to have a hard row to tow with these girls - they might never be able to see you as any kind of authority figure, let alone a stepMOM, when at your age under different circumstances you might be more like a girlfriend to them because you are not even old enough to be their "mom" - biologically impossible considering you would've been 4, 6, and 7 years old when they were born!
So, maybe the way you approach this is to try to be more like a friend to them than a stepMOM and leave the actual "parenting" to your DH? I know some on this site may not like this suggestion but every situation is different and I think this is probably the way it would work best in your situation.
Oh, and by the way, when I say be more like a "friend" I DON'T mean you stooping to THEIR level. You may already know this, but DO NOT confide personal matters between you and DH in his daughters, nor should you participate in anything with them that your DH would not approve of (i.e. don't try to win their affection by buying them beer or giving them condoms if they want to have sex, etc.) if they want to confide in YOU then that is GREAT, but like I said before leave the parenting to your DH! GOOD LUCK!
Ah you see, this has been our
Ah you see, this has been our approach all along, however... their mother treats them like they are little adults but hasn't taught them how to conduct themselves appropriately. When you speak to them as if they are children old enough to understand we get nasty e-mails from the ex explaining how they are only children and don't and how they can't emotionally handle it... that happens even when he talks to the oldest who is 17 with a tattoo.
I just fear is ex wife's wrath, I know this will be a big drama thing.
Eeeeeeek. Thats a tough one.
Eeeeeeek. Thats a tough one. My ex got married behind my daughters (13 at the time) back and told her several weeks after and she was incredibly upset when they finally told her. Sounds like you had a good reason not to tell them. I think you have been in their lives long enough now that they probably suspect you arent going any where. In my daughters situation the "new wife" had only been in the picture for four months.
They are at an old enough age that a conversation might even need to be had about BM and her over-involvement, not just your marriage.
Oh, we've already spoken to
Oh, we've already spoken to them and their mother about her over-involvement.
"Mom is right, you don't have any idea. Just shut up, you don't know. You just don't understand dad, you just don't get it and can't get it through your head"
That's all we get from them when we try to talk to them about anything! It is really frustrating. I believe the key is getting BM to back off... but how in the hell are we supposed to do that?
I like this advice, very
I like this advice, very helpful! lol Thank you.
I think that may be the best approach, no need to bring it up before it's naturally brought up, right?
Hopefully when this convo DOES get brought up, they won't fly into a rage and call their mom at 2AM to come get them because they don't want to talk about or accept responsibility for their actions. Gah *rolls eyes*
I am so happy I found this forum board, I'm not a horrible person and their are ppl out there going through similar things! It's so nice to have a support system.
Thank you all for making me feel welcome
I am Step.Momster's
I am Step.Momster's hubby....and any suggestions are welcome. I love my girls, but they treat her like crap...and as a result have shunned me and written me off as not caring or loving them because I don't get rid of her and place my girls first and sacrifice all my cash to them. I know that sounds simplistic, but that's what it boils down to. I want nothing more than harmony but until my girls grow up and get out from underneath the ex's wing, they are going to stay the course as it is now. Myself and Step.Momster have become an island and the girls simply hate it....
Bless You!! I wish my DH had
Bless You!! I wish my DH had the balls that you do! Keep a united front!! Yay team! You guys are my heroes!
He's brave isn't he? haha GO
He's brave isn't he? haha
GO TEAM!
Well I will say this much -
Well I will say this much - Step.Momster is a VERY LUCKY SM to have you supporting HER and backing HER rather than simply catering to your children and BM's wishes. You sticking with your wife will show your children and BM that they do NOT have the power to destroy your marriage! However, IMO I think you will also help Step.Momster very much if you can assume 100% responsibility for any "parenting" (including direction AND DISCIPLINE, etc.) of your girls and maybe try to encourage your girls to view Step.Momster as more of a "friend" than a SM.
I know some here will not agree with this advice, but I really do think it is probably what's best in your situation give the age of your girls and how close in age they are to your new wife Step.Momster. I think it may be a bit unrealistic to expect them to view her as anything other than your wife and an authority figure in your home who is worthy of respect - and you need to be there to put them in place if they don't! YOU set the rules, YOU dole out the discipline, and YOU let them know that there WILL be consequences if they continue to mistreat YOUR WIFE!
GOOD LUCK!
^^ Great idea!
Happy Search...can you come
Happy Search...can you come to my house and do that??
I would save that one for a
I would save that one for a rainy day...:) When they are on your last nerve and BM is on your FINAL nerve and when they finally throw in the comment that you are nobody but daddy's little girlfriend .........well, SURPRISEEEEEEEEEE. }:) BIG SMILE as you watch their faces drop and thennnnnnnnn walk away. NO, better yet, kind of half walk, half skip... }:) }:)
Just tell them you eloped.
Just tell them you eloped. No other info is needed.
Congrats on you marriage.
Best regards,
Happy, I see your point. I
Happy,
I see your point. I was speaking specifically of the wedding not of the dad's relationship with his kids.
Maybe a celebratory wedding reception/party is in order with a cake, the kids and extended family and friends to set a more positive tone to the marriage and the future relationship with dad and kids and SMom and the Skids?
Best regards,
You know that is actually a
You know that is actually a pretty good idea. Maybe tell them you two just got married and are having a reception on so and so date. Or you could have a minister/priest possibly re-marry you on site, if one would do it free or cheap, and then they could be there for the whole thing. I would do that just so they don't feel left out.
Rather than pay a minister,
Rather than pay a minister, rent a priest costume and have an old school buddy to the ceremony at the party.
After all, they are already married.
hahahaha. I like your idea
hahahaha. I like your idea the best.
You can just say you eloped.
You can just say you eloped. To be honest I think it will be hard for them to respect you as you're almost their age, and would be probably seen as more of a sibling then anything else.
The reception is a good idea too.
And I hate to say this but I'm extremely skeptical and lose all respect for ANY man who at that age seeks a girl 20yrs younger. You guys will have some tough navigating to do over the years for everything to come together.
Despite your assumptions and
Despite your assumptions and lack of respect, I will only say this: I didn't seek a younger woman out, let alone Step.Momster. If she wants to comment, that's fine...but I have had to 'defend' my marriage to enough folks, I don't feel I need to here.
Cheers! My wife and I married
Cheers!
My wife and I married when I was 30 and she was 18. Not quite the difference you have with your bride and I did not have any children for her to have to assimilate. But, we do have a significant age difference that was definately notable early in our marriage.
I was 4yrs post divorce from my XW and my bride was a year past being abandoned in a nasty travel trailer by the SpermIdiot.
As you indicated was true in your case, I was not cruising the high schools looking for a bride. Though my friends have given me loads of crap about our age difference for years. Good natured crap, but crap none the less.
We can't control who ends up being our soul mate. I met my wife a few months before I finished my engineering degree at the end of my 11yr undergrad career. It was her first semester out of HS. I had no intention of dating an 18yo and it never dawned on me that an 18yo would have a 15mo old child. I did not find out she was 18 until I told her one weekend that I would get a baby sitter for the kid (her kid, not mine at the time) and we would go out dancing and drinking with some of my college buddys and their ladies (wife's, GFs). My wife gave me a puzzled look and said "I can't go drinking, I am only 18". I was 29 at the time.
I graduated a couple of months later and left to start my career in another state. For 5mos my lowest phone bill was $650/mo. I finally called her, told her that I could no longer afford to talk to her so I was going to have to marry her, told her I was sending my mother to help her pack up her apartment and moved she and our kid (my SS) so we could be together. We ran up to Tahoe the next weekend for a date with Rev. Love and that was that.
Not the most romantic proposal on the planet but .... we have had a good time and have been married for 16yrs and counting.
I believe that if you and your bride are a equity partners in the marriage that those on the periphery will grow to appreciate and respect the marriage regardless of the age difference between the spouses.
20yrs is not that bad of an age difference. It is not like you are 95 and she is 25.
Even when we are doing something that I did many times years before we married I enjoy experiencing it again through her eyes. I grew up internationally and have worked internationally for many years. When I took my wife to my childhood home it was amazing because I got to do it with her, though I had traveled there many dozens of times in my life.
Welcome. I look forward to your participation in our community.
Best regards,
Wow, someone I can relate to!
Wow, someone I can relate to! LOL
Thank you Rags, your comments are welcome and encouraging. We met through a free online dating site. She was 19, I was 38...and I wasn't looking for anyone below 28. She begged and encouraged me to give her a shot, and one day, I said "what the heck" and did. Best decision ever.
Oddly enough, the first time I called her...I was watching just chilling and watching Cartoon Network before bed, and I asked her what she was watching....much to my embarrassment, she was watching the presidential candidates debating. hehe...
Anyway, I look forward to piping in where I can. Thank you (and to everyone else) for the "warm welcome".
There is exactly 20 years
There is exactly 20 years difference between myself and my DH, he being 48 and I am 28. We have found that the age difference only seems to matter to people who, while they would like to appear concerned about our "best interests," do not have solid, stable relationships themselves. My dad had an issue with it, yet he and my mom cheated on one another multiple times while they were married, got divorced, and he is now remarried to a woman 17 years younger than him. Do as I say, not as I do, apparently.
DH and I have found that at the end of the day, you only have one another to hold at night. All the people commenting on the age difference aren't there to hold you, support you, and share your bed as a partner. Upon examining their relationships, you would find that none of them are perfect, so what right do they really have to push their opinion on you? I have stated to friends and family alike that while I will listen to their opinion, until they can show me a valid reason I screwed up in getting together with DH, their opinion will be noted and taken into consideration, but not likely taken to heart. Treat each other as partners, and you will be fine. We just got married Saturday, and the only 2 guests were two of my friends who were supportive from Day 1. No family, no false friends. And it was perfect.
Best wishes to you two. Remember, your partner comes first before all others. Learn empathy and use it often. Love one another, and remember that Chips Ahoy and milk are great peace gifts
You may think it's not
You may think it's not romantic, but I smiled the whole way through reading that. You also have comforted an insecurity of mine. Because this is my first marriage and I don't have children myself and he has 3... I would often worry that because he's already experienced so much life I would not be able to please him on that depth. He always tells me that doing things with me, even if he has done them a million times before, is more enjoyable because he can now share them with his best friend. I guess now that I've heard it come from another man in a similar situation I know it's not a crock of sh*t. lol Thank you.
(@ my DH: you know what I mean, kinda like when I tell you something a thousand times and you just don't get it, but when one of your guy friends say it you get it right away. lol *wink*) <3
I fully understand! I do
I fully understand! I do love you! No matter if I have done something a million times before, it's ALWAYS more enjoyable with you! I feel that way about life in general with you... so now, everyone else on the board can do this --> :sick: , right? LOL
Momster. We are men. We ARE
Momster.
We are men. We ARE full of shit at least half of the time.
When it comes to our soul mates though, the shit is very very rare.
Please don't sweat your DHs first marriage. I too took a do-over on marriage. My XW and I had no children though she was pregnant during out divorce .... you can guess some of the cause of the divorce.
We are all the product of our experiences. I would not be the person I am and the husband I am to my beautiful bride if I had not had the experience of my first marriage. My bride would not be the person she is or the wife she is if not for her experience as a teen mom and the trials and tribulations with the SpermIdiot and the SpermClan.
Enjoy your marriage. It can be incredible.
I have not read any responses from haters. Only opinions from some who are sceptical of singinficant age differences between spouses. That is their issue, not yours.
Don't sweat it.
Enjoy.
Best regards,
Indeed mercy...my username
Indeed mercy...my username was chosen as a "joke" as it's what my ex called me for having a younger partner and being a 'big kid" at times (what man isn't eh?) but yes, maturity, mutual likes, feelings and chemistry sums it up pretty well.
A 20yr old girl will not have
A 20yr old girl will not have the maturity of a 40yr old man-unless said 40yr old is a peter pan-which IS possible
Mutual likes...I mean two decades apart what commonalities can you have? Chemistry-of that I'm SURE -younger girls in their 20's do tend to flock to older men. As they grow/mature it mostly tends to shift 
There are psychological reasons why a 40yr old ends w/a 20yr old and viceversa. I will say this-a woman in her early 20's has NOT come into her own yet and will be changing TONS over the next decade. No matter how mature you think she is-so I hope you're prepared for that. What's done is done you've made your choice and heck i don't know you...I'm just saying for many reasons that age difference raises huge red flags to me and it's probably doing the same for your daughters right now-so you have to really be patient with them and accept that it's a VERY odd situation for them to be in-dont' expect it to be an easy road.
All our decisions have consequences. We can't blame the consequences on everyone else.
In many ways my bride is more
In many ways my bride is more mature than I and she is 12yrs younger. She often says she has three teenagers to deal with. Our son (my SS-18), our 15yr old parrot and me. I am 46 not to far from 47. She recently turned 35.
Not only are the things you mentioned the basis for attraction they are also the foundation of growing and experiencing life together and building a life long marriage..... as equity partners. The combination of experience and resources with youth and energy can create an incredible marriage that can develop both spouses to a degree neither would not reach without the other.
A few weeks after we married my wife and I were in court defending our son (my SS) from an attempt by the SpermClan to take custody from my wife.
Interestingly the SpermIdiot had married his 16yo GF two weeks before my wife and I married. His attorney advised him to marry her so he would not be dragged out of court in chains as a pedofile child molester. He was 24 at the time.
Our attorney brought up the SpermIdiots history of criminal sexual relationships with minors (my wife was 16 when our son (my SS) was born), severa of my wife's HS friends testified that they had been sexually active with the SpermIdiot ..... and the judge proceeded to reem my ass for the age difference between my wife and I.
Apparently the moron in the black robe thought two consenting adults marrying was a greater offense than a 24yr old with repeated history marrying a 16yo below the legal age of consent. I looked at the judge and said "You must have missed the day in law school when they covered statutory rape and the difference between a minor and a consenting adult".
He almost went after me with the gavel.
We have considered sending his Honor (THE JUDGE) an anniversary announcement each year since he proved his idiocy. We just celebrated our 16th anniversary. The SpermIdiot divorced his 16yo wife three months after the custody hearing for my SS.
Not every May-September marriage is appropriate. But, many are incredibly strong.
IMHO of course.
Best regards,
Thanks. Though we do have our
Thanks. Though we do have our occassional tense days things are looking pretty good so far.
Best regards,
It's those tense/rough
It's those tense/rough patches that sometimes help fill in the gaps and strengthens the foundation in the long run.
Definately. Not to mention
Definately.
Not to mention the make up sex!
Fights and disagreements are never fun but should have a positive outcome. An increased level of understanding of the other's beliefs and values, improved cooperation, etc...
And when the dust settles, buy some flowers or if the fight was really bad some jewelry, go to dinner and enjoy the make up sex when you get home.
Best regards,
"The combination of
"The combination of experience and resources with youth and energy can create an incredible marriage that can develop both spouses to a degree neither would not reach without the other."
I couldn't have worded it better, very well said.
lol Reserve your judgement
lol Reserve your judgement for topics you are knowledgeable of. Neither one of us "sought" out to be with each other... and if anyone chased anyone down, it was I. You underestimate my mind and my life experience, and I am sure that I will gain more throughout the years.
You're negativity and judgement is unnecessary and is not wanted here. I am not a 20yo teenybopper, I raised my siblings, I worked to support my family. The only reason that there is a negative view of my age is because BM has instilled that negative stereotype and has encouraged them to discriminate against me. They aren't acting out their own thoughts an beliefs, they are acting out what they've heard their mother say a thousand times and they believe her. BM could be supporting and encouraging them in this matter, she could be trying to help create a safe and emotionally secure environment. They don't like me because mommy says they shouldn't.
Well I do happen to be
Well I do happen to be knowledgeable of that
I don't underestimate anything-I don't know your life. I'm sure you are responsible.
But it's funny you assume that at 20 you are responsible and old enough to think for yourself and make your own choices and decisions but fail to give his daughters any credit for making their own decisions on their thoughts of you-it has all to do with the biomom?? That's a big assumption from someone who believes themselves to be mature, responsible and able to think for themselves.
My qualm is NOT with you by the way-so I'll step out because it's an issue that I do have a pet peeve about and I find it quite reprehensible on the guys part. But I will bow out.
As "well intentioned" as you
As "well intentioned" as you feel you are being by giving your side, that most definitely is not helpful in this instance where someone is asking for ADVICE not BIAS. Thank you for your contributions however, as everyone has a right to speak up about their opinions, it's not always helpful or conducive to helping someone. Your posts are borderline lashing out at folks who have made a decision that doesn't affect you.
Peterpan (interesting and
Peterpan (interesting and fitting handle btw)...please know that you are asking your daughters to accept someone that is almost their age and to "get over it". If you got with her and moved in a relationship before the ink was even dry (which is your right of course) then know that you will have repercussions and consequences from the fallout of this decision. As far as the kids are concerned their lives were torn apart. And w/in a blink of an eye here was someone their age living with dad. Of course they'll feel turned inside out/upside down. AND they are teens..their life is enough turmoil as it is. It seems you guys are passing the burden of your hastiness to the girls.
I know some people here think that kids should just up and accept a parents decision right away of divorce or moving on to the next person regardless of how their lives were affected... because shoot-I mean why shouldn't they accept that that parent is happy..-but it doesn't always work that way does it? The saying-well they just need to accept it because I left their mother not them..is BS. It's a way to asauage guilt and responsibility and help you sleep better at night. I say this not directed only at you but from what I've seen several posters say about the same scenario you describe.
You apparently were with their mother for quite some time....and turned around w/in the blink of an eye and moved in with someone that could be their sister. And then married her w/out even speaking to them about it. Dont' think it's going to be easy...it is what it is..and with time they can come around. You'll probably have a tough time with it and really you can't put all blame on them or expect them to make the relationship w/you better.
It's fine to move at lighting speed when you're young and free of bagagge...but know that if you do this and have a family you had for years and TEENAGERS no less you can't expect an overnight turn. YOU will have to keep trying to earn their respect back-or chose your wife and be an island. I've gotta side w/the kids here. Oh and I'm glad you're helping out financially-but your wifes assumption that "after all they get $740 a month"....to support 3 TEENAGERS...boy she or you must really not have a clue what it costs to support them.
Housing, school clothes, groceries, ...so paying half for extra curricular/sportings shouldn't be resented IMO unless you a crazy amount. Plus-I guess you should go by what the CO says?
I don't think I've ever said
I don't think I've ever said they need to "get over it"...nor do they have to "accept" her. They just don't need to be nasty about it or to nasty to her. They find fault in everything and they seem to take after their mother by lashing out at things they don't like. We have every right to be as happy as the next person. Sounds like you have a bitterness in your "tone" with your posts toward me, so I will leave it alone. To each their own...everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I am not here to defend my marriage...I am here to support my wife who is seeking advice.
And I'm telling you it's
And I'm telling you it's going to take them time to NOT be nasty. Teens can be nasty even in a two parent happy functional home. You dont' have to defend your marriage to me by the way.
And sure people deserve to be happy-but there's a happy medium-you have people that will sacrifice ALL happiness for others and others that will put their happiness above anyone else including kids and have the "ME me me-whatever makes ME happy" mentality. Both damaging.
The "bitterness" you sense is just noticing patterns as a woman over the years with older men/younger women-especially if said female is under 30 and not fully mature and self-assured as a woman yet.
Don't hide it. Just tell them
Don't hide it. Just tell them the truth, what other way is there?? Nobody is going to like you anyway except your now DH. Just tell them exactly what happened, you really don't have to give them a reason that they will accept, because no matter how you tell them it's all the same. You and DH got married. You can't turn back the clock now. So tell them the truth and start accepting the fact that this is your new life and from now on nobody will pay you any respect. Except maybe your new DH. And in a few years you may be wanting to run for the hills.
I would like to make a
I would like to make a statement if I may. Maturity, common sense, financial responsibility, emotional stability, the ability to handle and cope with adult situations, and the art of making good decisions have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with ones age. I have known many people of respectable ages who know much less than you would think a person of their age should know and understand.
I understand that age my is skeptical, but no one has the right to pass judgement upon me until they know who I am. I don't know who any of you are, I don't know why your words are so bitter, but I don't deserve them. I've been with their father and have lived with him for three years, it's not as if I've come into the picture unexpectedly and stole their father away in the dark of night and am now keeping him to myself. I spent $175 dollars on his daughters birthday, I go away for hours on the weekends so he can spend quality time with them without me there. They loved me before and after I moved in with him, his 2 youngest and I used to curl up and snuggle on the couch and watch movies and TV. Then their mother started to poke and prod them for information, I am sure she was quite jealous that I cuddled with her children.
They were fine, we sat down and talked to them after we got engaged (which was before I moved in). They liked the idea, they were excited. We gave them their right of self expression and asked them of their feelings and reassured them that they could express themselves even if their feelings were negative. Their only response, and they all agreed, their only wish was for us to wait to get married, have a long engagement to give everyone time to cope. We were engaged for 3 years before we got married.
I don't think that my situation is "odd", I am never going to label this love I have for this man as ODD. We are in a non-conventional relationship, but that doesn't make it wrong.
Two thumbs up!!! Very cool
Two thumbs up!!! Very cool and well stated.
Hang in there. My first test of the waters on StepTalk were brutal but it has turned out to be a good place to vent, get opinions (not all agreeable) and support in this challending journey of Sparenting .... and to make some pretty good friends too.
Every once in a while my early posts get resurected and shredded. Oh well, shit happens as they say.
Don't let shock at the age difference between you and your DH get to you. I am sure you are used to it by now. Just wait until he is a grey headed old fart with a cane at your own children's HS and college graduations and all of your kid's friends are throwing out "dude, who is that old guy with your mom? Is that your grandpa?"
I am not quite that old yet but my son has gotten similar comments from his friends about me. My wife is one of those fortunate people that get hotter as they get older. Though I am no troll I definately get less hot as I get older. Our 18yo son (my SS) has heard "dude, can I date your mom?" several times over the years.
It is a good thing that I found her when I was young enough to still be hot.
We still discuss a Rag's spawn occassionally though at 46 adding a new kid to the mix would significantly postpone my retirement and severly limit the time I have left to chase my hotty wife around the desinations of the world. She is 35 so I have 5-10 years to dodge that bullet. But, I would be good either way. I like kids, she likes kids, I love chasing my wife around, she like being caught. One very well may lead to the other.
Best regards,
Not too long ago, I took her
Not too long ago, I took her out to dinner. The young waitress and my wife were chatting it up...and it finally came out - something along the lines of "So, is this your father?" (cannot remember the "exact" quote) but...we both got a good laugh out of it. The waitress was embarrassed to say the least, but we made her feel more comfortable by laughing at it with her.
Sadly, I was greying when I met Step.Momster...and she says I've gotten greyer. No cane yet...thankfully!
Well said Happy.
Well said Happy.
How did it get from " ... so
How did it get from " ... so how do we tell them we got married and they weren't invited? " to this age thing???
It happens...but it's
It happens...but it's important for us, when asking for advice, to give the age, as we KNOW it's not the norm. It's just some folks get their hackles raised due to their bias of relationships such as ours. No doubt there folks who have shown overit that it cannot work - it just skews their opinions of us off the top. It's a discrimination of sorts. All some folks see is age. If folks KNEW us...they see how it works for us. *shrugs* We know there'll be "haters"...but yes, I agree in trying to get back to how best to break the news...
I thought about asking the
I thought about asking the same question, but figured I'd just get flamed if I did.. thank you for asking lol
Thank you The Momster, a am
Thank you The Momster, a am glad you've contributed this post. God Bless your daughter and her relationship. My grandmother suffers from diabetes, she recently had her leg amputated below the knee, I know all to well about the trials your daughter faces. I am happy to hear that she found someone who can handle her journey.
<3
Momster, Like your daughter,
Momster,
Like your daughter, I too was diagnosed a T-1 Diabetic when I was 16.
I will send you a PM with some resources that have worked well for me.
I am happy for your family that your DD has found a man who is of appropriate character for the special young woman that she is.
Best regards,
Aside from the one "negative
Aside from the one "negative nancy" in this thread...I must say I am thankful my wife found this site to "vent", "share" and "ask" (then told me about it). Thank you!
Did you know that the frontal
Did you know that the frontal lobe of the human brain is not fully developed until the age of 25? The frontal lobe is the area of the brain responsible for motor function, problem solving, spontaneity, memory, language, initiation, judgment, impulse control, and social and sexual behavior. In other words, no one, I mean no human being should be married before the age of 25.
I can tell you that personally, I was a totally different person at 25 than I was at 20. At 19 years old, I wanted to be married to my then boyfriend and have his children. Thankfully, that didn’t work out. My 25 year old self looked back at my 19 year old self and thought “what the hell was I thinking!”. At 25, I had totally changed. I had the start of a great career, independence, friends, and as I write this, I think it was probably the best time in my life. Youth, without all of the entanglements of marriage, debt, children, etc. I wouldn’t trade those years between 20 and 30 for anything.
It saddens me that step.momster got together with peterpan, a man, who is in midlife, when she was only 19 or so. What’s done is done, but girl, being part of a blended family is difficult enough. I’ll bet you spend all day thinking about this man. How much he pleases you. Thinking of ways to please him. Reading a thousand magazine articles about how to make your relationship better. You spend your days getting lost in this man whom you idolize. And that’s normal, because you’re young.
My advice to you, and to every woman on this site, is to maintain some level of independence. Do things with your girlfriends, get out on your own and exercise with a group of people, get a hobby that doesn’t include your husband or skids. Live for you. Make yourself happy.
I wish you the best.
First of all you are making
First of all you are making quit a lot of assumptions. I don't spend my days "daydreaming" and fantasizing, I have adult situations and issues to attend to. Life isn't a fairy tale and just because YOUR 21 year old mind didn't grasp that then doesn't mean that my mind doesn't grasp that now. I am fully cognizant of the consequences of my decisions and what being a wife means. I do not idolize my husband, as I would never want him to idolize me. My husband is my equal, we walk together.
I am an artist and a writer, I do enjoy reading, but not magazines. I prefer novels. My other hobbies include photography and graphic design. I have my own friends, I go out on occasion and have drinks with them (when life permits). I prefer small gatherings of close friends, a few beers, a couple shots and some conversation. I have NO interest whatsoever in partying hard, playing the field and getting my rocks off.
At 11 years old I was raising my brother(1yo) and sister(6yo) while my mother went out drinking until the next morning, because I had to stay at home and watch the kids I was home schooled... thank God for my IQ of 165, I picked up those books, assigned myself my own homework and got straight A's, grades that were issued to me by a certified teacher. I'm not some stupid little girl living in an idealistic fantasy world. I've lived through 3 broken homes, I know what an unhealthy relationship looks like, and thank God I have the fortitude and the smarts to never be like my mother, who is 46 and in my opinion never matured past the age of 20.
Don't insult my intelligence.
I didn't mean to intimate
I didn't mean to intimate that you are less than intelligent. I wasn't stupid at 19 either. My point was, and still is, no matter how much strife we went through in our youth, 20 is still young. Decisions made at 20 are not the same ones that are made at 25 or 30.
Marriage is difficult. Its difficult at any age and in any circumstance. However, you both have a lot working against you. I wish you luck. I truly do.
Make sure to keep a part of your life just for you.
And the decisions you made at
And the decisions you made at 40 won't be the sames ones you make when you're 60 either. LIFE is a learning experience that NEVER ends. We may have a lot working against us, but there is a lot going for us as well. Thank you for the good wishes.
S. Momster, You my dear, are
S. Momster,
You my dear, are a remarkable woman. Young or not.
Best regards,
*grin* Thank you very kindly
*grin* Thank you very kindly
x
x
TBS, No doubt what you say is
TBS,
No doubt what you say is true for everyone. However, we can only make decisions with the information, experience and perspective we have at the time.
For my wife and I (18 and 30 when we married) it has worked out pretty well. We have grown together for the 16+ years of our marriage. That is all any married couple can try to do regardless of age.
In our case, we have finished a BS (her) and two MBAs (one each) since we married, traveled, owned homes, had good careers and raised a pretty good kid. We certainly have had the occasional periods of disconnect and relationship challenges but not anything that I could definitively attribute to her immature frontal lobe (for the first 7yrs or our marriage).
I did not marry a teen; I married a partner who happened to be a teen at the time.
We have both ensured that we follow your advice "Make sure to keep a part of your life just for you". That may be the lynch pin of any successful marriage.
Your's is good stuff by the way. I have always enjoyed reading it and valued your perspectives.
Best regards,
"I’ll bet you spend all day
"I’ll bet you spend all day thinking about this man. How much he pleases you. Thinking of ways to please him. Reading a thousand magazine articles about how to make your relationship better. You spend your days getting lost in this man whom you idolize. And that’s normal, because you’re young."
Perhaps, if we spent ore time thinking of the ones we love and less on our material accomplishments, life would be more satisfying.
How very true. From when I
How very true. From when I was a kid and saw how people didn't seem to be as selfish (in or out of a relationship) as they are today. Must be all this "self improvement" stuff. If people did spend more time on their partners and how they felt, there may be much less divorce and issues.
I can speak as a parent to
I can speak as a parent to this "age" topic. My daughter is 23 stb 24, a dear friend of ours, not hers, is 44. Every time they meet they glow and talk for hours about varying topics. She is an artist, he is an artist... they share political viewpoints, they see life through the same artist eyes that most of us do not--they are ethereal. They hang in the same circles and run into each other at community functions... talk ... both excitedly tell us they ran into each other... they met each other before they were introduced by DH & I. I KNOW this man is perfect for my daughter.. DH Knows this guy is perfect for my daughter.. The guy knows that she is perfect for him, and she is waaay attracted to him. He finally admitted so, with one preface: if she weren't your daughter I would go for it. In fact, I was going to until I met her at your party. I do not know how you would react because of our age difference...20 years... He said, sadly... I guess we met in the wrong lifetime.
I said only one thing...you two are adults--do not break her heart. Not that I think he would, just being a mom. That is not fair of me, I know.
Out of respect for DH & I, I do not think he will pursue a relationship... It's too bad: They GET each other.
I think this is the most I've
I think this is the most I've seen folks in one place come out and speak how the "age discrepancy" between partners is as it is.....didn't realize how man folks out there were 10+ years or more difference. Very refreshing to say the least.