Marriage is falling apart
This will be a long post. I feel at the end of my rope and don't know who else to turn to.
I have been with my husband for 6 years and married for a little over 3 years. He has two daughters from his first marriage. They are currently 11 and 15. I've alsways had issues with the youngest. She has always been the kind of kid that will whine and cry until she gets what she wants and my husband has always given in. Within the last two years it has gotten worse. She has just gotten to have such an entitled attitude. I really don't know how else to say it. Anytime she doesn't get what she wants to has a bad attitude about it. She doesn't follow rules and you can't say anything to her or she says you're mean and will cry to her mom. some examples are she hadn't taken a bath in 4 days so I told her she needed to take a bath. I wasn't mean about it and I said it nicely but she got upset and went crying to her mom and said I was mean and hurt her feelings. Another thing was she took my phone without asking and I when I went to go grab it I asked her if she has seen it and she starts laughing and saying I don't know. So I straight up ask her if she took my phone and that I needed it. She finally got upset when I got firm and gave me my phone. My husband says I over reacted. She can use my phone but she should ask first. We have a 2 year old daughter and a small house so when she is sleeping we just ask that you try and be quiet. I don't expect you not to not make noise but just try not to the best you can and no she still goes around slamming doors and being loud even after we've asked her not too. Whenever I buy groceries for the week I always ask everyone what they would like or need. I buy these snacks for my daughter and she really likes them. They are gerber snacks and I've asked them to not eat them please. If they want some for them I have no problem buying them some but they never say they want them. So my youngest step daughter still eats her snacks even when I've asked her not too. Recently she told her mom she doesn't want to come over here because we don't like her and she's said and depressed. Her mom told us and of course my husband is on his best behavior being nice to her and making sure she doesn't go back to her mom and say anything. I'm honestly at my wits end. I feel like I can't say anything to her to address certain issues I have with her because she will get upset and cry to her mom which in turn puts a strain on my marriage. However I feel like when I bring up issues and concerns to my husband he cares but he gets really defensive and protective of his daughter and doesn't really take my feelings into consideration. I feel resentful and frustrated. point where I'm starting not to like my stepdaughter and I feel bad. It's affecting how I feel toward my husband which I hate because I love him so much. I feel so over looked and unappreciated. I could go on and on with more stories but I won't. It's to the point where I am starting to not like my stepdaughter and don't feel support from my husband. It's affecting my marriage and I can tell we are becoming strained. I'm frustrated and am snapping at him. Yesterday he told me I am being different lately and he doesn't know why but I've brought up how I've felt and he doesn't take it seriously. I've just been crying and I don't know what to do anymore.
You’re right
You feel overlooked and underappreciated because you are overlooked and underappreciated. I would definitely look into marriage counseling to try and work through these issues. If your husband is clued in enough to notice a difference in mood/behavior, he should have enough emotional bandwidth to see his kids behavior and how it's disrespectful. He might not *want* to, but he surely must be capable. And he needs to work on seeing it, and standing up for you with both his daughter and his ex-wife. You were not being mean, in fact you were being incredibly considerate and patient.
you can also look at nacho-ing or disengaging from the stepdaughter and letting your husband handle it all himself. I'd also hide the snacks. I'm so sorry you're going through this and I hope your husband works on his communication and boundaries.
Thank you! I started looking
Thank you! I started looking into counseling and I plan on going. I'm going to see if my husband will go as well. What is nacho-ing? What is the best way to disengage?
Notchoing: Nacho kid, nacho problem.
Notchoing: Nacho kid, nacho problem.
Part of disengaging.
Your DH is the problem, not the SD
I see very little parenting coming from him. He is the root problem here. It's probably the guilty dad syndrome we are all so familiar with. I agree with GrudgingSM, marriage counseling would help. If he won't go, go yourself. My DH wouldn't go, either, but I did and it changed 7 lives here. Good luck.
Thank you! I'm going to try
Thank you! I'm going to try counseling and see if it helps. I agree he isn't parenting and it's a huge problem. He uses the fact that she is "sad" and thinks we don't like her as a reason to let her do whatever she wants and has zero consequences. That has to stop.
Dod counseling help your marriage and situation? Some people that I know keep telling me just leave and don't even bother but I don't want to do that. I want to try and make things better. I love him.
Personal therapy saved my marriage
I was lucky to get the counselor I did back in the 70s. Now that I'm on ST, I understand the importance of finding one who is knowledgeable about step dynamics.
I have an 11 year old
she turns 12 this month and if she didn't take a bath for four days, I would get onto her. If she ate the babie's Gerber snacks when I bought her snacks that she had asked for, I would get onto her. If she took my phone and lied about it, I would get onto her. The issues aren't you. The issue is your husband is parenting out of guilt or not parenting at all and BM is trying to control your household and he is letting her. You aren't being an evil SM. You are being a typical good mother who wants the children under her care to be appreciative, clean, and well mannered with discipline.
Thank you! It feels so good
Thank you! It feels so good to hear someone else agree with me. I was starting to think I was going crazy and really was a mean stepmom.
Your DH is gaslighting you..
and he is a Disney Dad and a sh*tty parent. This is going to get a lot worse, disengage and let him handle EVERYTHING for the brat. As to you phone, tell her to use your DH's as of right now, your phone is off limits to her. I would add nanny cameras throughout the house, excluding bathrooms and bedrooms, make sure there is audio with the cameras. One day your SD11 is going to show her ass and accuse you or one of your kids of something, you had better have proof that she is lying.
Personally, I would start saving any money that I could get my hands on, hide it in a separate bank account to start making an exit plan. Life is too short to live with a worm of a man that can't stand up to 11 year old daughter, that is a total turn off.
I've thought about leaving. I
I've thought about leaving. I have my own accounts with money and thankfully my parents live here so if I needed to I could go stay with them. I'm pregnant with our second child and we planned for this child and are very happy about the pregnancy. I'm really hoping that some counseling and maybe disengaging will work. I don't want to divorce. He said it seems like I'm always in a bad mood and sad lately. If counseling doesn't work I really don't know what will.
It will help
Go for your sake and your 2 babies, if nothing else.
Your story sounds so familiar
Your story sounds so familiar. I tried all of the above and nothing helped change SOs guilty parenting or BMs blaming me.
Instead I just circumvented my issues. YSD would eat all the snacks or hide them in her room, I started keeping them locked up, same with my coffee and anything else she would help herself to. A $20 bin with a small padlock was worth it. Your phone becomes off limits, put a screen lock on it.
I stopped buying special snacks and what not for SD. SD hates real food and will only eat junk food. Now that I lock up the snacks and do not allow SO the key, she only had access to real food.
I stopped buying groceries for SO, because SD would eat all the food SO liked and SO would blame everyone but SD.
SD doesn't shower, let it go, not your problem. SD wants to use a phone she can ask DH. .
The outcome of my interventions, SO got sick and tired of spending so much money every week on junk food to appease SD, only for her to eat it all in 2 days. That he had to be the bad guy when he refused to do it anymore.
SO started locking up things like his coffee creamer because SD would use it all up in a day trying to make lattes.
I did the same with OSD as well. OSD would ask for clothes then leave them at BMs or her friends or wherever. Then next visit ask for more.
I got sick and tired if SO not ever making her accountable or responsible to bring them back. So I stopped buying OSD anything.
When SO had to start spending his own money on hygeine supplies in addition to clothes and food. He suddenly cared and again, he became the bad guy when he had to say no.
I found the best way to handle my situation was to find ways to put the responsibility back on the parent to deal with it.
Thank you for your post! It
Thank you for your post! It was very helpful. I think putting the responsibility back on him will help. I've done things like buy SD clothes and she will not wear them. These are clothes she's picked out and they just sit in her room with the tags on them but she'll wear the same old shirt three days in a row. I've bought her gifts she's asked for and she won't touch them. It's clear I'm not appreciated. I'm going to make my husband do the work. I like the idea of getting a pad lock too. I told my husband he can take SD to store and buy her snacks she wants but the ones for our daughter will be locked up and off limits. I have my own job so I have my own accounts and he can spend his paycheck on buying her endless snacks if he wants. In regards to her not showering and lack of personal hygiene I'm just going to let it go.
Did things get better with your husband? I don't want to divorce but I feel if something doesn't change it's the path that I will choose.
Don't give in
Sounds like she needs to be disciplined by you and her father. I feel that she gets leverage from her mom and the satisfaction...
You're doing fine and maybe have a sit down with your SO and be stern that you're at your wits end and make him understand that what she did was wrong and stole your items. Next put a lock on a cooler or something for your BD2 food. The young lady needs attitude adjustment
Blended issues
Married 30 yrs, to a man I love. His 35 yr daughter can do no wrong and he constantly gives her money but can't help me with things or buy groceries, especially since he's worse that a growing teenager. His 40 yr son doesn't get close to the attention or monetary rewards his sister receives.
My SD lies, manipulates, steals, and disrespects me but it's my "fault" and I "need to grow up". My husband never tells her to stop or apologize or corrects her in anyway.
I have panic attacks just knowing she will coming over to visit . I hide in my bedroom room, and I have even went to a hotel for the night. Now, her dad and her want her to spend the night just to catch up. I've said no and it doesn't matter what I say or when it comes to her. He used to tell me he paid the rent and now the roles are reversed. I threw his words back at him and I hurt his feelings but I wanted him to feel what he made me feel on a daily basis.
I don't know how much more of him defending his 35 yr daughter and she's constantly destroying our relationship. I have bent over backwards to accommodate BOTH of them throughout the years but I physically cannot continue. My husband does not think little miss perfect can do no wrong and it's up to me to make it right.
RUN... if you want heartache and spouses that never side with you or set boundaries up front in the relationship, then being a stepparent is for you. I'll never date any with kids, period. It's too much drama.. And it will eventually wear you down and take a toll on your health.
I HATE my SD and I am resentful towards my spouse for letting her get away with everything and jeopardizing our relationship.
I am sorry that you have had to live this nightmare.
However, it is time to take every asset you can and move on with your life. This guy has no interest in a healthy husband/wife relationship with you and is at best emotionally incestuous with is manipulative daughter.
Take care of you. Move on.
I know you love him. However, this kind of situation lends itself the analogy of asking ..... "Other than that Mrs Lincoln, how was the play?"
Yeah...
That's not a healthy relationship...*scratch_one-s_head*
who spends the night with their dad at 35 lmao...I'd be gone, let him pretend his daughter is his wife or whatever the weird crap is going on there!!!