Living Alone/Apart Together mainly because of children
I've(30) been with my girlfriend(45) for about 5 years now. She has two children (16 and 10); I care for these children like they are my own. She can't take any constructive criticism about her children. She can say it and knows what I am saying is the truth but she won't do anything about it. Her parenting sucks and as a result, she has two entitled children walking around the house. They don't do any chores around the house and everything is a bargain. She can't say NO to them.
One minute she says "Oh you're so good to me and my children." As soon as I say something like them not following the rules set in place or them doing something wrong; she says "you have a problem with my children or you're setting them up to fail".
She forgets that all the hours I placed in doing paperwork for the oldest son who wasn't doing to good in school so we had to homeschool him. << This sure sounds like a person who wants your children to fail.
They don't pick up after themselves and she rarely says anything. Most mornings I have to clean the toilet because the 10-year-old has poop on it. Nope, but if I say anything I am the bad guy.
On top of that, whenever we get into a disagreement and she is mad she takes all of my clothes out of the room like I don't belong there. She is too old for childish things like this. I don't touch her things. I need my own space now, I tried this for 4 years and it's definitely not working.
I can't live with a person with children who are misbehaved. On top of that, her not wanting to correct them and expecting me to live in a place with no say. She can't tolerate their behavior at times but that okay, Let it be me and it's a problem.
I see this as working as us living apart. What the best way to bring this up without mentioning the children? I care about her and her children but I can't see myself living in a place where I am not respected and where I must put with entitled children and her not parenting them.
Any advice? Thank you a ton
You already wrote what you
You already wrote what you should say in your last sentence: "I care about you and your children but I can't see myself living in a place where I am not respected and where I must put with entitled children and you not parenting them."
Why would you consider
Why would you consider remaining in a relationship where you and your partner are not all in on your lives together?.
First, I would immediately implement a zero tolerace position with her kids leaving shit on the toilet seat. I would march the guilty party into the bathroom immediatley, hand them the cleaning supplies, and give them the hairy eyeball until it was cleaned to your satisfaction. If that makes them late for school, so be it.
Start flooding your SO's phone with pics of the crap left by her spawn, recordings of their behavioral crap, etc, etc, etc... and do not let her turn you into the scape goat or gaslight you on her failures as a parent.
If you are even remotely considering living apart, then just pull the plug and get on with your own life with this tragic shit show fading in your rear view mirror.
IMHO of course.
Thank you for all of the
Thank you for all of the advice. I know the decision must be done but my first step is getting out of this place. She is very immature for being 45 years old. I guess when they say age is just a number -- it's true but in this case for the worse. It's tough because I truly care for her but I can't stay here any longer. Once I am out of this place it would be a lot easier to move on and be done with the relationship for good.
You can't end a relationship
You can't end a relationship without hurting the other person. Do it respectfully and kindly and then move on with your life. Sounds like you know that's what you want to do. Find another woman and have your own kids.
The only person setting these
The only person setting these kids up for failure is your girlfriend. As she is determined to do so, let her be ... and get on with living a decent, happy live without moral pollution and lack of respect that she and her kids provide.
You deserve so much better!
Welcome to the site!
You've tried - it hasn't worked - your partner behaves like a teenager and you have no input into the poor behaviour of the SKIDs. More than enough reason to leave, I would have thought. The fact that your main concern is how to put this to her, shows that you have marginalised yourself in this relationship. I suggest that you watch out for this in the future, and give yourself a bit more priority and breathing space.