left due to lack of discipline for girlfriend's kids, but now she wants to work on things
I (with my 2 daughters 9 and 11) moved in with my girlfiend and her son 8 and daughter 4 about 6 months ago. I knew going in that there were some behavior issues with her kids, but I had no idea...
Main issue being her son. He lies, steals, hits, yells, screams, cries, calls people names. Example of a daily occurance: Right in front of me, he will walk up to her sister and slap her sister in the face. Not softly. I'll ask why he did it. He'll say to my face that he didn't do it. He never seems to get punished for his actions. If his mother does get upset about anything, it just turns into a screaming match between a 40 year old and an 8 year old. Usually ending with him calling his mom stupid and an idiot, and telling her she doesn't know anything.
I may be bias, but my kids are well behaved and respectful. Over time, the boy has taken his name calling and bullying tactics to my kids. He has on several occasions hit my 9 year old. I have gotten on him for it, but his mother doesn't seem to get it. He knows that I have no recourse if his mom doesn't do anything.
As far as me and my girlfriend, I am very sad. I truly love her, and want to be with her, but we have gotten nowhere in our discussions about these problems. She always tries to spin it away from her kids. She tells her son not to do something because my kids will tell on him. I believe she is in denial about her son, and she twists things around in a way that she thinks helps her son. Not helping at all.
After a horrible weekend, I took my kids and moved out. I feel the house has become a bad environment for my kids. After telling my her I was leaving, My girlfriend said she wants to work on it and that she knows her kids need help. Talked about a lot of great things.
I won't step right back into the living arrangement, but is it a bad idea to try to work it out. Her son was really upset. Saying sorry, give me another chance. Girlfriend says she wants to get him help and wants to do things right.
I guess my question is, is it possible for things to turn around if she and her kids really try hard to improve, get help.
Any thoughts would be appreciated
Thanks
It took you moving out for
It took you moving out for her to even acknowledge there was really a problem. To me that doesn't really bode well. Sure things can turn around if everyone tries really hard, the question is will they actually be willing to do that work.
I would not put my child in a situation where they will be physically attacked and I feel I have no recourse. I would not be with someone that could watch a child be attacked and at most get into a screaming match with the attacker.
People, particularly children, are Capable of change, but most are not really motivated enough to do it. And based on the kid seemingly feeling no remorse for hitting others and lying to your face, I'd imagine his apology is more likely based on thinking that mom's boyfriend moving out might actually cause a Real consequence. The mother should want to get him help and do things right for the best interest of her children, not to get a man back.
Great question. She now
Great question. She now says that she knows how difficult her son is and that she wants to get him help and discipline and the whole nine yards. Today, she went to the school to talk to the teacher, and the school psychologist. Great start and great words, but I need to know it is just the beginning and not just going through the motions
That's what most people have
That's what most people have been saying, and I will stick with that advice for sure. Hoping for the best, but need to make sure my 2 are fully on board before committing to the effort
good point. I hadn't really
good point. I hadn't really thought of it that way. I think I mean more that I need to get a read on them and how they feel about things.
Why move in at all? Whatever
Why move in at all? Whatever happened to dating and putting the kids first rather than hoping for the best and throwing everyone in the mix to see what pans out? Wait until the kids are gone and then move in. Just date.
Sueu2- Please don't respond
Sueu2- Please don't respond to another of my posts. If you don't believe what people put in their posts, then just leave it be. People are here for help with their problems, not sarcastism.
Everyone else, thank you for your thoughts. Biggest question you raise is how my daughters feel about being away. After leaving, I asked them if they wanted to see how things went over time, or if they wanted to move on. My 9 year old's initial response was to move on, but the next day, she said she wanted give it another chance. My 11 year old shrugs and says either way is fine. They both say they will miss the 4 year old girl. 11 year old has struggled to sleep the last few nights and seemed upset. She says nothing is wrong. I'm not sure if she's upset we left, or if it's something else.
If I do anything as far as continuing a relationship, it will be in dating form and monitoring to see how things are. I agree with all of you that I cannot expose them to this at this time. Seems strange to go back to dating, but I would need to feel comfortable with the situation before moving forward again
I don't believe that the
I don't believe that the mother is going to make any real and long term changes but there are always exceptions. I agree with another reply you got - at this point the kid is just afraid that your unexpected and major demonstration of how bad things had gotten has made him afraid that he'll get the blame for making you move.
You and your kids seems to like it there except for this one kid so if the mother can make some real strides after say a year then I'd consider going back. Just don't count on it happening.
Unfortunately, her kids are
Unfortunately, her kids are always there, and when I went to tell my girlfriend I was leaving, the kids kept coming in and the son got the idea of what was going on. He got upset and immediately apologized and said he would be better. Can't say for sure what it means
Yes, I believe my 2 really like the young girl and my girlfriend. We've had lots of fun at times, but without structure, her kids seem out of control
As much as I feel my kids
As much as I feel my kids were excited about moving in, I worry that I was a bit selfish and didn't take enough time. I won't do that again. At this point, if they don't want to go back, then I can't do it. I'm leaning toward trying things out, but this time I need to be certain of their feelings on the matter. Unfortunately, getting them to talk is not easy
It's good to see that you
It's good to see that you have this insight. I agree with you 100%. Everything should be about your kids right now because this is THEIR childhood and everything that happens is going to shape who they become. There is a reason so many people here have s*itty skids! Date and spend time together away from the kids. I know it is hard and it sucks, but when you have kids and you are single it IS hard and it DOES suck. I've been there and I've made stupid mistakes, and as long as we learn from them, we can make better choices. I hope that this boy gets the help that he needs as well as his mom. I've spent enough time with kids like that to know how draining it is and that I want no part of it! Good luck!
This is what I think too. A
This is what I think too. A childhood lasts about, oh we'll say 16 years. When they turn 16 is when they start looking to the outside world for their place. Before then, HOME is all they know. Family and home is all they want. Would it kill people to put off playing musical lives for say, 10 years? I have a pair of socks older than that. Surely you can "sacrifice" 10-15 for your children to have a someone balanced and stable environment to grow. That structure will be the very foundation upon which the child will build his own adult life. It is in childhood that they need the most routine and I just see a lot of them bouncing back and forth between multiple partners and multiple homes with multiple rules and multiple expectations.
You bring them into the world. They have no choice. Maybe you cannot make it where you can live with their other parent as one family. But you can make it to where they don't have to LIVE with people who will/can not love them. You can make it to where they have a reasonable expectation of who will be taking care of them and that their best interests are always at heart. Believe me when I say, it can be done. There's plenty of "me" time on the other end of 18. . . provided you gave your children the foundation needed to become responsible self sufficient adults.
LOL sueu2 I was just thinking
LOL sueu2 I was just thinking the same thing. Bio kids are always perfect and Skids are horrible. This kid doesn't have any issues except for a mother that allows him to get away with everything. Wheres this boys dad? Does he visit him ? She doesn't discipline, she makes up excuses for him, and sits there and argues with a child.
I would just stay to your own place, and WHY did this 9 year year old boy run up to you and ask you to give him a second chance ? How did he even know you left cause of him ? This just sounds like all kinds of wrong. I don't think you guys should be blending families, maybe just keep it to visits with you and her alone when you can. Man if I had to live with minor step kids, Id be single.
My kids used to walk all over me and that changed a long time ago. She doesn't need to get him "help" she needs to be a parent and provide structure, routine, consistency, and discipline. Theres nothing I hate more than the high pitched squealing mothers that just shriek at their kids out of frustration and the kids don't even listen to them.
Stay where you are, stay with your kids, don't move back in until you guys can decide if it will actually work.
And nobody said anything
And nobody said anything about me leaving because of him. When he heard that my kids were not there and that I was leaving, he immediately started crying and assumed it was because of him.
I have often wondered if he doesn't know what he does half the time, but if he sees it like it was him that caused this, then maybe he does know and can control things with proper structure and parenting. (If mother can get it together and do what is needed)
unfortunately, the boy
unfortunately, the boy overheard our talk as I was leaving. The mother did not blame the boy.
I agree that the mother needs be a better parent. No question there. There are issues with this kid though. Many due to the parenting, but they are there.
The father is a problem. Occasional Saturday night with kids. No financial support or physical assistance.
A doctor told me once, if you
A doctor told me once, if you leave, never go back.
If your girlfriend couldn't work things out while you were there, if she couldn't see that you were having issues with her parenting that were so bad for you, you left, what makes you think she will change. More importantly, what makes you think her son will change if you go back.
I see it playing out like this, she may if you go back start to discipline her son. Her son is going to blame YOU for that, he is going to take his anger at YOU out on your children. It's not fair or right for you to take your children back into that situation. Words are cheap. If she changes her parenting style, turns her son around and maintains that for at least a year, you might have a chance. But I wouldn't be having my kids or myself around that. I think it's possible she's panicking because you've left and she'd say anything not to be alone. If she was serious, she wouldn't be saying I know my son need help. She'd be saying I am in parenting classes and my son is seeing a therapist. Talks cheap. Actions speak volumes, as does inaction.
true, and my biggest fear.
true, and my biggest fear. words are great, but I need to see the actions. she says she made an appointment for him to get an evaluation. Wants to get help for her and for us as a couple. We've discussed involving her family to get their insight on things.
All great things to do, but I don't want to fall into this and have be just talk.
thanks
Today I am going to talk with
Today I am going to talk with her about time. We've discussed trying to work through this, and I hope she means it long term and not just long enough. I'm not sure if she understands that it can't happen overnight. I may not have explained that so well, so I will tonight. She may think we'll just work together to fix things, but I need to see the change happen before thinking about having my kids around them.
There's a saying on here,
There's a saying on here, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. I think you could also say when someone shows you what kind of parent they are, believe them. Your GF has been parenting for 8 years in a way which has allowed the kind of negative behaviour you describe. It's going to be hard for her to change that, and if she only wants to do it because you've left she's doing it for the wrong reasons, and there is a high risk that she will revert back to parenting in the style that feels most normal to her. She doesn't just need help for her son, she needs parenting classes, because the problem is probably not her son, it's how she deals with him.
Definitely agree with that.
Definitely agree with that. I do believe she loves her children, and I hope she will be able to see that the way she has been parenting has caused much of her kid's problems. She wants to do classes/therapy for herself, and I will do it with her. That's great, but it only works if she believes in the need for it. Time will tell
Duplicate
Duplicate
Thanks. I am trying. I
Thanks. I am trying. I appreciate all the advice and support everyone has given.
I too am worried about her
I too am worried about her motivation. If she couldn't listen to and understand your feelings on this enough to do something about it while you were a couple, then I'm concerned this is just panic talking. She's been left, she's got a couple of kids, it's hard to find another man when you've got kids etc., if this sudden insight is because you left, it's not good. I mean she never admitted her son had issues and she needed help parenting before. Why now. Because you left and her eyes were suddenly opened. Or, you left and she doesn't want to be alone so she's going to agree with anything and everything you say, well for a while anyway.
Absolutely true. I do want to
Absolutely true. I do want to see if she is up to doing the work and keeping it up permanently. I am willing to do the classes and therapy with her. It's up to her if she wants to help her kids and herself, and I am there to help her. Just not at my kids expense. Last night, I told her that it would be a long while before my kids get involved, and that huge steps need to be made.
My kids are now saying that they want to give it another shot. I just don't know if they want it for me, or if they really want to be there for them. I feel time is the only answer.
I really hope that she wants this for her children, and not as you say, just because I left.