Last Straw..
In my post a few days ago I mentioned that my fiance's daughters 20 & 22 asked him to pay for spring break...mind you he makes good money but pays their rent, tuition, insurance, vehicles, food, expenses etc... and has no money left and contributes very minimally to our household due to these expenses.
Tonight I asked him what he was getting the girls for XMas and his reply was: "I told them I'd send them to Mexico on spring break."
Are you kidding??!! I'm so furious right now but really should have known better. We have taken ONE vacation in six yrs and I arranged and paid for the entire thing. And these girls go on at least two vacations per year (Mexico and Memphis for the Country Music Awards) and we can't afford to go away for a week-end but he's sending them to Mexico for a week? One is a FT student and one is a PT student, they don't work and they treat him so terribly...
I pretty much lost it on him tonight, unfortunately he's at work and it was on the phone. He justified it by saying it's a Christmas and Grad gift for one and Christmas and B'day gift for the other (her bday is in April). He doesn't want to look at it as "he's sending them on vacation" but rather more a combination gift...
I finally told him that I was tired of coming in last and his response was "why is it that you feel the same way as the girls?" Hmmm
Am I overreacting to this?
No you are not. I find it
No you are not. I find it hard to accept when parents continue to pay for kids past 18, other than for school. But I am biased, at 17 moved out and paid for everything including college all by myself. When our kids are older we will help them with school, but that is it. I find these parents paying for all this stuff ridiculous. Coddling much? How are they going to survive in the real world?
Anyway, in our marriage finances are a joint thing. We don't spend a but load of money on anything without both of us being on board, so it is hard for me to compare to other circumstances. If he isn't paying his share of the living expenses for your house, he needs to not be paying for crap like vacations. I'm sorry I really dont have any advice, but I agree this is bs
Totally not cool. Students
Totally not cool. Students work summer and evening jobs for spring break. I would Never pay for Shitface Break for any of my kids. Just matter of principle. At least they pay half and he matches half, but not all of it... Yeah, and the Stepmothers are the mean ones...
I am so sorry. They are using
I am so sorry. They are using him and he is using you. I admit my DH's is a Disney Dad...does not have shit assets and savings. He does pay for all the bills as I do not work. He moved in my home which is paid for. He was not one to do any home approvements. I put my foot down on that. I am reasonable on home improvements and not asking to take out any loan...there will be home improvements and he will pay for them. He got the picture.
Read again what sueu2 said.
Read again what sueu2 said. Ts the ugly truth, and you may have gotten defensive reading it, if you did then you missed the most honest, accurate, valuable, insightful, honest piece of information any has ever given you. She believe it or not has just given you the best advice anyone could ever give you. Take it and you step on the road to happiness, leave it, and things between you and your fiancé are only going to get worse.
Collect all your household
Collect all your household bills.
Mortgage/Rent
Electric
Water
Gas
Phone
Internet
Insurance
Garbage
Groceries
Tack on $50.00 to save for future repairs/ replacements of appliances
(Notice there is no car payment/car insurance. You pay yours he pays his.)
Now divide that figure in half. Hand the list to your fiance and tell him here is your half of the bills. I will not be covering for you any longer.
If he gets mad. Tough Shit. There's the door. Go live with your kids since you pay all the bills there anyway.
There is no woman in this world, not even his mother, that wants to support him while he is supporting two other women. It does not matter if they are his daughters, they are grown ass adults and he is not teaching them to survive in the real world.
and has no money left and
and has no money left and contributes very minimally to our household due to these expenses.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This is no ones fault but yours.
Please listen to these other
Please listen to these other ladies...you deserve better. HUGS!! People will treat you the way you let them treat you.
I get it, I really do. Please
I get it, I really do. Please understand, that by my statement that "he contributes very minimally" means that he doesn't offer to pay anything additional and I don't ask him to. Why? because I'm trying to be sensitive to his obligations. Yes, he makes double my income but my two kids live with us so I feel that I should take care of the majority of the food bill, heat and incidentals.
When the kid issues are not prevalent, our relationship is great. We have fun and enjoy each other's company. He has been improving with his limits over the years, just not consistently and things are worse with the girls then they ever have been. I have always wanted to make a united front with the kids, but he wanted to do it his way... that didn't work out so well.
He get's bonus checks every year in December of about 4-5k of which I see zero. He usually spends it on his kids and catches up on his bills. I know that it is my own fault for not saying anything up until now - and now I want it different. I can see that and I take full responsibility for allowing it to happen.
I guess I was hoping that he would step up to the plate and appreciate my support and consideration of the problems that he is having with his girls. None of us are perfect and we all come with baggage... I thought by now things would be much better - they are not and I as you have all told me, I have no one to blame but myself.
Thank you for the honest feedback...
I would also be furious - and
I would also be furious - and have felt that at one time or another. But then I realized that I was contributing to the problem. I never asked him what WE were buying for the kids, never asked to set a budget for each child and each other, never asked for us to define what was fair. Once we had that discussion, it was pretty hard to ignore any inequities on paper. Try to keep your emotions in check and know that he may not be too thrilled about the idea. If he's not (like my husband wasn't), ask him to make a suggestion as to how you can resolve the issue so that both your financial goals are met and so that your marriage, the center of the household, is valued as well.
Just know that things will not magically get better unless you choose to do something to make it better. And the girls will continue to ask for more, better, and pricier items. Why wouldn't they; they have never been told no.
This describes me, too.
This describes me, too. Christmas especially was all out overindulgence for DH's family, and we paid off the credit cards the rest of the year. It was stupid. I got mad every year, but hadn't really come up with a solution. So this year we agreed on a budget. You know what DH tells the skids? "Christmas is changing this year because Merry is uncomfortable with the way we (meaning his family) do Christmas." Seriously. That is what he said. I don't think he intended to be an asshole, but sometimes he just can't help it.
But you know what? I didn't really care. I just said that I've been uncomfortable without a financial limit on our own budget, and that is indeed changing. Carry on Christmas traditions as usual. Oh. The icy glares in my direction softened. At least most of them understand household budgets.
So far no arguments with DH about what we're buying for whom and how much we're spending.
You have documented and
You have documented and verifiable examples of coming in last. The SDs get two vacations a year and you get one for the entire duration of the relationship.
It is pretty clear where logic and analysis indicates that the inequity is located.
Time to start booking a vacation a quarter for you and your fiance.