Issues w/ biological grandparents?
Hoping for some advice...support...I don't know.
We got married in February. I knew that she had her son, but he lived over half the time with her parents so I didn't really understand her relationship with him. He's 4 now. Good kid. He really is. It was just strange to go from us dating, hearing about how much she didn't want him, and then being married and all she wants is him. She tells me that I'm the reason...that now that we're married she didn't feel like she needed to worry about dating anymore so she felt more able to focus on her relationship with him.
Like I mentioned, up until we married he lived with her parents. He was born while she was living at their house. They raised him until we met. Now, we're living up here near them. They still take him out every now and then, both he and her dad love hiking. We don't really do anything with just her and I anymore. Most of the time he comes. That is ok...we're building a family, I guess. But it feels like we don't have anything between us anymore and she still has this expectation that now I'm her son's dad.
To make it all suck...she tells me after the adoption process went through that she wasn't really sure about us getting married, didn't really love me, and mostly went ahead with it so she could terminate the father's rights.
After all of that...she wants me to thank her parents all the time for watching her son, and do chores for them at their house to say thank you.
In my mind...he's practically more their's than mine. I'm feeling like I'm thanking them for something that would be logical in a normal family situation...but it just feels so awkward. Not to mention the issue that I'm holding major resentment toward my wife now. I would have backed out, but she got pregnant. I don't really know what to do, but this sucks.
I guess I just needed to vent somewhere.
Sounds like you've been
Sounds like you've been played.
Sorry to hear about this. I was sort of in your situation about 15 years ago. I married a woman who thought that "marriage" was "freedom"; Freedom from obligations, freedom from making responsible choices, freedom from being held accountable for bad decisions, ect...Marriage is NOT freedom. Your wife had obligations to her son and her parents and failed to make those obligations clear to you.
The other thing that comes to mind is that - maybe - her parents shouldered the burden of raising her son because she was a single mother and they wished for her to get "grounded" first. Now that she is no longer single and married to you they want her to take her responsibilities back. It's almost akin to assuming the cost of taking care of your child while the child is studying in school. Once the child graduates, finds a job and starts earning money, the parents expect the child to assume the cost of rent, mortgage, utilities, ect. I don't know the whole of your situation, but that is what it sounds like to me.
Drac0: You know...I'm sure
Drac0: You know...I'm sure that's what it is, that they did it trying to help her. The thing that is driving me up the wall though is this idea that I should be thanking them/doing things for them in gratitude for spending time with him. I read stories to him every night. I brush his teeth, get him ready for bed. She spends the day with him. But it's like...this idea that I'm supposed to be joyously experiencing all of this like a parent would with their own children, while I'm still getting to know this child.
Maybe I'm a heartless tool...at least that is what my wife is telling me...but it just feels like the expectations from her and her parents are unrealistic.
Thing is, though.... this IS
Thing is, though.... this IS your own child now. By your choice. You did not have to agree to adopt him.
"Maybe I'm a heartless
"Maybe I'm a heartless tool...at least that is what my wife is telling me...but it just feels like the expectations from her and her parents are unrealistic."
Congratulations, you're FOG bound. It wasn't an accident either.
F= Fear
O= Obligation
G= Guilt
Man...have you been around
Man...have you been around the block with this stuff? You seem like you've had some experience with these situations. I wish I could have seen some of this before I got into it. FOG bound...I need to remember that. This is a mess.
I spent 9 years trying to
I spent 9 years trying to pull my now xH out of the FOG. I watched what life with a Cluster B BM was like. The patterns are fairly easy to detect if you know what to look for. What can I say, I was a quick study, lol. I also watched my oldest now xSD morph into a miniature version of her mother, so I was battling demons that were a long time in the making. xH knew everything I was saying was true. His therapist confirmed it all. Still, he was stuck in the FOG. He still is. As for me, I decided that having other people control and dictate my life, was not going to work for me, and I finally left. xH simply wasn't worth my sanity anymore.
You couldn't have 'seen' any of this coming. These 'types' know exactly WHO to target and are quite skilled at getting what they want. Trust me, it isn't a reflection of weakness on your part. They are just that good at what they do. They have to be for it to work so well.
Don't beat yourself up. Look for ways out of your situation and act accordingly. Protect yourself and protect your unborn child. That's all you can really do right now. Otherwise there may be a new man who is adopting YOUR child. Yep, they are that twisted.
I posted this on your other
I posted this on your other thread....
Well, the biggest red flag for me in your story is....
"To make it all suck...she tells me after the adoption process went through that she wasn't really sure about us getting married, didn't really love me, and mostly went ahead with it so she could terminate the father's rights."
You've adopted this child? You got GOT! If ya know what I mean.
Here's a woman who put her dating life ahead of her own child's needs, and left him to her parents to raise. Until, she found a new sucker. You. Somehow she talks you into 'adopting' him. Her reasoning is b/c she wanted to terminate the Bio-dad's rights. Which is BS by the way. You didn't need to adopt him for that to happen. You do realize that you are now 50% responsible for him financially, right? You two divorce, you're now paying CS for a child that she "didn't want' and one that isn't even yours genetically. Now she is pregnant with your child? Did this happen before or after she told you that "she wasn't sure about getting married and didn't really love you?"
Add to this dynamic that she now feels like YOU owe HER parents some untold sum b/c they raised HER child for her, thereby making YOU the 'handyman du jour' whenever SHE says so.
Dude, get to a counselor and go see a lawyer ASAP. I have a sinking feeling that you've found a Cluster B woman.
Sorry for my directness. I don't mean to sound harsh but, this is quite the $hit hole you've fallen into. I'm guessing you already have a suspicion about how much trouble you're in here so I'll end here.
Best of luck to you!
I need the directness. Thank
I need the directness. Thank you. I think I could use some harshness, this really is a "$hit hole."
Why do you keep saying HER
Why do you keep saying HER CHILD.
You adopted the kid so he's your son now.
I think OP is beginning to
I think OP is beginning to wonder if his wife didn't have an ulterior motive behind all of this. He is panicking, which isn't uncommom, when faced with the reality that you may have been just a convenience the entire time, instead of a loved/respected partner.
This. I am panicking my
This. I am panicking my brains out.
This very same thing happened
This very same thing happened to my cousin. He got married, adopted his wife's daughter, she divorced him a few months later, and now collects a huge CS payment every month.
I agree with contacting a lawyer. You're in for a miserable life if you don't act now.