im not strong enough for all this...
There are days -and today is one of them- that I just want to give up. i dont think Im strong enough for this situation. I want peace and I would love to keep my husband!
brief background: im married for the last 6 years to a wonderful man. i have a son (10) from my previous marriage. he has a daughter (12) from his previous marriage. i mothered his daughter during our whole relationship until it got to be too much (you all know the stories: DH is an absent/guilty father, BM is quite crazy/unstable and i did it all the work until the amount of disrespect, attitude, ungratefulness, etc got to me and i said enough)and 4 months ago I disengaged. For the most part we are doing a good job, we are in counseling and trying our best.
the attitude and disrespect continues and it just gets to me a lot, DH not stepping up gets to me more. im working on ignoring but it is so hard to see a girl all dressed in the clothing you got for her, enjoying the food that you made for her and not even saying good morning , hi ,bye, or good night to you.... I completely understand that she is reacting to my disengaging and "Acting up" or "sending messages"...im kind of ok with that part. the part that makes my skin crawl is when my DH sees this and does nothing...OMG, i cant take it!!.
i would love a "dear daughter, you do not treat my wife that way, you will respect her because she is my choice and my partner and when you disrespect her, you disrespect me". but i guess it will never happen...
i keep working on staying disengaged but when I see my DH not giving me the place I deserve in the family and letting a 12 year old girl walk all over him …AND since im disengaging, im not supposed to react or educate her...im kind of out of options or tools on what to do when she plays the little mean games with me. Im so tired…
Oh Dalhia, I totally relate
Oh Dalhia, I totally relate to where you are coming from...SD8 & I had a huge battle last month & SO & I threatened to take ALL of the clothes I had gotten her for her birthday away if she kept treating me like dog crap. I'm fortunate because my SO does not tolerate her being rude to me...if he did, I don't know that I would stay & become his Mrs. (we are meant to be married in 2 years).
If you are both seeing a counselor, does he/she not tell your DH that he needs to put his foot down with SD12? I can't imagine a licensed professional being okay with this type of dynamic in a home.
(((((hugs)))))
I'm sorry, I have no advice, just know that I understand where you are coming from.
Good luck!
Does his spawn live with you
Does his spawn live with you full time? It's hard to disengage when they're up your ass every day, invading your space.
she lives with us 100% of the
she lives with us 100% of the time. my son goes back and forth and he does not have an attitute problem but the girl is in my face the whole time!!! i try to go out with friends, to go to the store for no reason..to get out of the house but i really need to find a solution because my marriage is suffering big time.
the other thing is that she has no friends or interests, so she is in the house a lot!!! no family closed by, no friends..so i signed her up for classes but ...i dont know..uff, i need good advice!!!
The fact that she is
The fact that she is constantly in your space could be a major factor. I got along fine with my SS when he would just come for visits. That all changed when he came to live with us! It does not improve the older they get, either.
I'm so sorry. I don't what
I'm so sorry. I don't what else to say, except I know where you're coming from. I know that whole "go to the store for no reason" thing, beleive me. Sometimes, I don't go home after work because I don't feel like it's my home anymore. Hugs to you.
I get that too. I am at work
I get that too. I am at work now just because i dont want to go home and deal with SD who got in trouble for shoplifting today, just the latest of her never ending well of gifts. DH and BM have basically given up, i got tired of being the only one who cared so i disengaged.
Hang in there girl. If only
Hang in there girl. If only we knew then what we know now! LOL!
if i knew then what i know
if i knew then what i know now, i would have NEVER EVER married him..maybe i would have dated him for 20 years!!!!every one in their own house with their own children. hey, can you go backwards to dating after being married??:)
Sorry Dalhia. I too am
Sorry Dalhia. I too am living your life, 30 year old stepdaughter has made my life a living hell. She wants me dead, and that's on a good day. Last August I banned her from coming here ever again. No husband is very upset about that. Unfortunately, husband was nowhere to be seen for the last 8 years when she ignored me, offered other people drinks in my home and not me, did the same in her home, would not look at me if I spoke to her, and a million other things that I am too tired to get into again. Anyway, for 8 years I asked, pleaded, begged and cried to my husband to stop this, to speak to her and to tell her HE would not accept this from her. Nope, no sign of him standing up to her, in fact much worse, he actually defended her every single time. Even when her fiance told him that I needed to be careful, she seriously wanted to hurt me and he was concerned for my safety, husband said, she wouldnt' do anything, dont' be stupid.
Well, I am still here in the marriage getting all my little financial ducks lined up as best I can, and emotionally leaving, so when the time comes for me to get him to leave this house, I will have been well and truly gone and the physical leaving will be no big deal.
This was the man of my dreams...........now he and his family are giving me nightmares, why, because he will not stand up to his daughter because she gets mad.
I pray that you have better luck with this than I have had. But you cannot do anything about it, you cannot change him, and really all of this is not her fault or yours, it is all well and truly his. He is the parent, he is your husband, and he needs to stand up and put the daughter in her place. If he cannot or will not, then I am sorry but there really is nothing you can do. Please do not put all your energy into hating, disliking or getting angry or fed up with her, instead focus all that energy into your husband and getting him to see and understand what he needs to do, because if he doesn't sooner or later you to will leave the marriage, even if it is only emotionally and that is such a shame, it doesn't need to happen. I wish you all the very best.
I would go on a
I would go on a vacation...
Seriously I could not stay married to a man (boy)
who did not RESPECT me...
What ever you are feeling now is only going to keep escalating..
Either you and your husband are on the same page together...
if not you are most likely going to have many more of these days..
Good Luck