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I'm lucky to have found this forum.....soon to be step kids and money....are killing us.

Urbanchick's picture

I'm a career woman, I always have been. Divorced, left in debt, but pulled myself out and started a life for myself. Felt great to be liberated. Now, I'm moving up the corporate ladder, and met a man who I THINK I love very much. Sexy, good man....college graduate, has his own business....holds his own. My dilemma? Every dime he makes, goes HALF to his kids..and ex wife, who WILL NOT WORK. She put herself back in school. It doesn't matter that her son is ready for college and she never saved a dime. She is all for herself.

I can't stand my soon to be step kids...and I don't know if should get out. I am a City girl. Always have been. I live and breathe for the City. I moved into my fiancees house (rental) in the burbs. I was married to a very powerful business man and it didn't work out which is fine. I liked the lifestyle but it was toxic, and I realized that as an educated woman, I could just go out and do it myself. Give MYSELF the life I want.

Anyway, I met this man, moved to the burbs for he and his stupid kids....and I hate it. I love it when the kids are gone. He has them one week on and one week off. Every morning I wake up and the TV is blaring Sponge Bob, and Family Guy. They plant themselves in front of the TV ALL NIGHT LONG. They control what we eat, as my fiancee doesn't want to make waves with his ex.

I travel for work, and sometimes I tag on extra trips. If I'm in Europe, I might as well stay a few days more and see the world. The problem is, half of the time my fiancee can't because he is broke from his stupid kids, or he has them and refuses to leave them overnight alone. They are going on 15 and 18. Frankly, I'm sick of them. They are spoiled and babies. They still ask for "a snack". At that age, I was doing the grocery shopping, had chores, and it wasn't an option for me to get some money to wash my Dad's car. I was just told to get up on Saturday and get my chores done. My fiance thinks his kids are "tired" from school, so they can stay in their jammies all weekend.

I hate going home at night. I refuse to give up my place in the City and find myself picking fights to go home to my own place, where it's quiet, and it doesn't smell like feet. On news years I went from 4 inch heels out on the town, to sitting in sweats, with 3 men, with upset stomachs who spent the entire evening farting their guts out.

I sound so toxic, and I'm so sorry....but I have NO ONE to talk to. People think I'm selfish....and maybe I am, but dammit I work 12 hour days...have an hour and a half commute, and my homelife is shit. I love my fiancee, but I hate his life and I don't know what to do.

Here is a good example. My soon to be stepson has a cold/flu. He was feeling lightheaded, so he almost passed out. You would have thought the world ended. The drama, the calls to the ex wife, from the garage, having the ex piece of crap show up at the house dropping off movies and video games in the morning....am I THAT old where, when people are almost 18, they stay home from school and rest, and read a book and nap? Or is now the generation where people have to plan out their sick day? I had two emergency surgeries last year and my fiance gave me a ride home and went home to cater to his kids while leaving me at my house after the hospital.

I was terrified when she came over, because this hack of an unemployed sponge keyed my fiances' car and it's taken her two years to actually come up to talk to me, after I tried SEVERAL time to speak with her and introduce myself.

I'm already 42....and see nothing but sorrow.....

I'm so sorry for being so toxic....I really am.....I'm just so frustrated and pissed off and FULL of resent.

Urbanchick's picture

I forgot to mention, I don't have any kids....and I just paid for him to have a reversal so we could see if it was possible for us. Now, I KNOW it was just a waste of money.....: :?

herewegoagain's picture

Do NOT have any kids with this guy…do NOT…save yourself from this mess NOW! It is one thing when some get involved at a much younger age and do not have their own good careers, lifestyle, etc. or even those who already have kids…but someone who has so much going for them and is over 40? RUN, JUST RUN…get OUT…do NOT have kids with this guy…If his kids control what you eat now, believe me that they will control the life of any child you have with this man and yours FOREVER…PS it is NOT the kids controlling the situation, it is your spineless boyfriend who allows KIDS to control your life...

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Run for the hills! For the Alps! For the valleys and cities of Europe and beyond.
You will find another guy without so much baggage.
This scenario spells disaster.

mannin's picture

As previous posters have said, you should end this relationship now. You're not happy and it won't change.

Being a SM isn't for everyone. There are days I want to run away, but mainly because I loathe the BM.

Find a man who has no kids, wants kids, and the same goals as you. Do not settle.

Anon2009's picture

"They control what we eat."

No they don't. Your fiancé does. Or should. He needs to step it up and make it known that whatever either of you cooked is for dinner and that's it, or they can fix themselves their own dinner.

Find yourself a nice guy without kids.

jl703's picture

I agree, I have kids of my own and a fulltime stepmom, it's hard and very depressing to give so much of yourself and no matter how much DH says he loves you, yet doesn't support you or your decisions ,and hec, I'm raising his children.I too was into my career,and I left that to blend our new family and I now am being blamed for changing their lives, not to mention the BM doesn't do anything but attempt to play mom after she left them and now she wants be full time ..this is no joke I'm in 2 years and I'm not sure how long I can hang on with the manipulation and disrespect....I need HELP! 2 also

Delilah's picture

Why are you even living in this environment, esp given you HATE the situation and you have your own place?

Think of it this way, YOU have moved and given up things which are important to you in order to "fit" in with OH amd his responsibilities. YOU are changing how you interact, what you do on weekends, what you eat, again in order to fit in. I ask what exactly is your OH doing in order to meet YOUR needs and dreams? I mean matching your own effort also, not little things either?

Realistically, your oh should be making things comfortable for you or at least really trying to do this, not sailing along as he and his kids usually do. Yes, it can be difficult when there are skids involved and everyone is set in their ways (you included) but thats where compromise comes in handy. He meets you in the middle and so do you e.g. the skids get to watch tv in the living room for 2 hrs a day and then they go to their rooms to watch it if they want. The skids have one or two nights where they get to choose dinner, the rest the adults decide.

It seems to me you moved in with OH wayyyyy too fast, you have fallen into an age old trap which many stepparents do -they move in and they make all the changes while the person who has the house and kids carries on and uses the kids as justificationto continue being a selfish twat. The stepparent has therefore lost all leverage because their partner has everything they desire, so who cares if the stepparent is unhappy. Your OH has you by his side, he hasnt had to move, make amy changes or consideration of you, he has ensured he doesnt have any bother with the kids and ex because he is continuing bending down likehe did when he was single (he hasnt given any thought that he now has to change to accommodate you).

My advice would be to move back to your apartment perm, make OH work for you lovely. Yes you may be an hour and a half away but he can come to you when he doesnt have the kids, HE can be the one to make an effort. Make him realise he has to make changes if he wants you to live with you and have the pleasure of your company. I would make him aware of how unhappy you are also. This method will weed out whether he is serious about you or not!

Unfreakingreal's picture

Get out, get out NOW. NOTHING will get better, it will only get worse. Go back to your apartment in the city and find yourself a mega-man that knows how to PARENT. Call the reversal a loss and keep it moving. PLEASE get out before you get pregnant and find yourself hating your life even more. You sound like a phenomenal catch and ANY man would be lucky to have you. Love yourself!!!

qtee97's picture

Ok you already said it in the first part of your message...you hate the kids! You Hate this situation, you hate coming home!! This can't work out between you guys EVER!! Don't try it. LEAVE NOW. You will find someone perfect for you without kids. You will end up hating the kids more and they will hate you and their dad and you will ruin this family. I am sorry I am being so blunt, but really the kids are his family and if you can't love them and accept them as your own, then you don't belong! Don't do this to yourself when you could be happy with someone else without kids and don't do this to those kids that need their dad in their life and to feel loved!! It just sounds like a very very bad situation for everyone. You need to tell this guy the truth and walk away. Yes, you'll miss him at first, but there is plenty of men without the kids and maybe you will have a baby someday, but being a stepparent isn't for you. There's nothing wrong with amitting that it's not for everyone. Simple as that. GET OUT!!!!!!!!

Unfreakingreal's picture

No offense but I think the DAD here has ruined his family and any chance of ever being happy with another woman. He is clearly a Disney Dad that will always put his kids needs and desires before those of his partner. THAT is not good parenting nor is it a realistic view of how blended families work. YES, children are your first responsibility, however your relationship should be your first priority. Children grow and they marry, they leave and then you are left with what? My 2 oldest sons are now married, I'm lucky if I speak to them more than once a week. Had I put THEM before my husband, I'd be alone now. Instead, they are happy with their relationships and I am happy with mine. That is how it should be.

herewegoagain's picture

I agree except "and you will ruin this family."…sorry, the kids are in a shitty situation because of his parents…don't even think of blaming someone who actually has boundaries for the poor choices that the family made prior to her...

qtee97's picture

OK I missed the 14 and 17 years old bit (my kids were crawling on me) I apologize! BUT my answer is still the same and even more the same...RUN GET OUT OF YOUR SITUATION!! Of course we don't always see the obvious because we love the guy. Trust me I am in a situation as well, where people pointed out the obvious going on and I didn't see it until then!!! But really he's past changing his parenting skills and the children are going to only listen to their BParents now if they listen to them!!! You aren't happy and you have nothing holding you down girl, FLEE go back to CITY Living and start to be happy again. Don't wait till you have a baby on the way and have to share parenting time with this guy. You see his previous life. Do you want this to be yours? NO, so LEAVE. you can be nice about it and tell the truth, or just pack up and leave before he gets home!!! Either way it needs to be done. The sooner the better, because you need a new life!!

herewegoagain's picture

You are NOT mean…sorry, but at your age (I am 46), I would RUN. Believe me when I say that your life will be HELL! If you make good money and 1/2 his money goes to his lazy kids and ex, believe me that if you want to enjoy your life, it will be YOU PAYING 100% of it…and one day, you will wake up and realize that you busted your behind to end up supporting the whole relationship yourself financially…and those kids grow up, if you don't like them now, you probably never will and these fathers usually give in to their kids because of guilt…which means you will lose out on enjoying your life, lose out on securing a good retirement for yourself and could potentially end up with CRAP because he will end up always giving in to his kids.

I am not trying to be mean, I think YOU deserve more. Find someone without kids…yes, THEY STILL DO EXIST…and enjoy your life…do NOT at this age give in to a life of sloppy seconds and supporting a man because of his mistakes in life.

Mercury's picture

Sigh. I got these same kinds of replies when I made my first post about my future husband. I didn't listen to a single one of them and married my guy anyway. I love him more than anyone I've ever been with, it would have been traumatically painful for me to break away from him after I fell in love. If you aren't there, RUN.

I am also in my 40's, childless, career minded, successful, independent, FREE. He is also successful but hasn't got a lot to show for it because of what he gives to BM. She is the antithesis of me and I have zero respect for her. Dependent and helpless and as if that's not bad enough, she's relying on a MAN, and not just any man, a man who despises her. It disgusts me on such a deep level it's hard to put it in words.

I do not regret staying with him and riding this time period out because he has always put me first in every way except financially. I don't need his money so that shouldn't matter, right? Nope. Turns out money is just as symbolic as it is tangible. He is, in essence, supporting another woman....doesn't matter that they call it "child support"...it's ex wife support. That fact was way more damaging to our relationship than the actual dollar amount he was giving. I think anything he gave her would unnerve me just because of who she is and what she represents.

Bio-Step-Mom's picture

You should not be entertaining the thought of marrying him. Seriously. If you want to date him, continue dating him. DO not marry him.

I love my DH very much and really like my stepkids but he pays 60% of his net pay for CS and it is hard for me not to be bitter about it because I've never had money issues and now I do.

And they are 15 and 18 so nothing is going to change anytime soon. Let him be and move on with your life.

Shaman29's picture

It's okay to be selfish. You like the lifestyle you have in the city. There is nothing wrong with that but you hooked up with a man (with kids) that live in an environment you detest.

Break up with this guy and move back to your place in the City.

You don't have to like or love the skids, but disliking them and hating to be around them will not get any better. Marriage and your own bios will not improve this situation. In fact it will make it worse.

End this now and find some happiness for yourself.

DarkStar's picture

OMG are you my long lost sister????
Like Mercury, I too am 40, childless, career minded, successful, independent, FREE.
I have not married or moved in with my SO, we are currently apart. I am seeing if he will put his actions into words and fix his shit or I am gone for good.
This is word for word what I sent SO in an email. Sorry, it's a little long.

I've come to a few conclusions of my own. One is that there is no reason why I should have to sacrifice anything that isn't exactly what I want in life. I want security and stability, I want our relationship to be the priority over the childrens' wants (wants, not needs), I want everything custody and child support-related legally settled once and for all, I want to travel and build a future for us and our family.

I will not be a mother myself ever. It kind of sucks, but that's the way life is and I'm going to embrace it. What I will not do is put my life and dreams of travel on hold to pay for and raise someone else's kids. Your kids have 2 parents (as shitty as one of them is) and don't need another one. I would think of myself as a benevolent aunt or something, rather than a replacement mom. I will never love your kids as if they were my own, or as much as you love them. It's just not possible. I did not bear them, or raise them to be the children they are today. I care about them and care what happens to them and want nothing but the best for all of them.

Finances should be easier in a 2 income household. I am worried that if we become a 2 income household that those extra funds will go to things like paying for college. I'm sorry, but the fact that no money has been saved for college does not mean that I will sacrifice my trip to Europe so the kids don't have to take out student loans. It's those types of things that make me worry. The expenses are split, you have a lot of extra cash, and all that extra cash goes to kids and their expenses, both needed and wanted. Then I sit at home wondering why the skids are living high on the hog while I can't go to Europe like I've always wanted to.

I never want to be in a position again where I'm sitting at the kitchen table crying feeling totally trapped in a life that I didn't want or deserve, wondering "how is this my life now? How did I let this happen?"

Don't let this happen to you. You sound like a very intelligent, successful woman. Your relationship should bring you UP, not take you down

Urbanchick's picture

Update. I'm back at my place and due to pick up my things this weekend. I do love the guy, but I love me more....and I'll never love those kids like he does. We'll see what happens. If he were up for it. I would stay forever living apart, until those children are gone. Why move in? Don't get me started on blended family finances....

Urbanchick's picture

Oh, and DarkStar, I wish I could take you out for a scotch.....brilliant, brilliant letter.....

Urbanchick's picture

Actually their alimony is set up on the quarterly system. So which ever one of them makes more money per quarter has to pay the other spouse. Even though they both have 50% custody. So she stopped working and decided to go back to school so now he supports them all. He doesn't have any money to do anything else and even if he did it's certainly not going to be spent towards me . I'm just really sad right now as I said I love the guy a lot it's just the situation is too hard

Urbanchick's picture

Actually their alimony is set up on the quarterly system. So which ever one of them makes more money per quarter has to pay the other spouse. Even though they both have 50% custody. So she stopped working and decided to go back to school so now he supports them all. He doesn't have any money to do anything else and even if he did it's certainly not going to be spent towards me . I'm just really sad right now as I said I love the guy a lot it's just the situation is too hard

Urbanchick's picture

Actually their alimony is set up on the quarterly system. So which ever one of them makes more money per quarter has to pay the other spouse. Even though they both have 50% custody. So she stopped working and decided to go back to school so now he supports them all. He doesn't have any money to do anything else and even if he did it's certainly not going to be spent towards me . I'm just really sad right now as I said I love the guy a lot it's just the situation is too hard

Urbanchick's picture

Actually their alimony is set up on the quarterly system. So which ever one of them makes more money per quarter has to pay the other spouse. Even though they both have 50% custody. So she stopped working and decided to go back to school so now he supports them all. He doesn't have any money to do anything else and even if he did it's certainly not going to be spent towards me . I'm just really sad right now as I said I love the guy a lot it's just the situation is too hard

Michel71's picture

You did the right thing. Congrats on being strong and true to yourself. It is hard when the guy is nice, sweet and sexy but you can have nice, sweet and sexy at your place. And the good part is that his kids are "almost" grown; although if he is a true co-d with them, they they will never grow up. At least now you are back in your place, back where you feel good and secure and powerful. It does sound like SEX IN THE CITY, but you know what? I think Samantha rocked for really knowing herself!