So, I'm new to this site and I'm really glad I found it as I am struggling big time as of late. I just recently got married (9 days ago to be exact) and am now a full fleged step-mother. I've been with my husband for 4 years and we have a two y/o daughter together. I've known my step kids since they were 3 & 4 and they were so sweet back then. They were just looking for someone to love and in desperate need of a female role model at the time. Their mother bolted when the youngest was 2 and she went right into another relationship with another man and got married to him before the ink was even dry on the divorce papers. Needless to say it was a struggle for my husband to deal with the situation but he did and he's better for it in my opinion. I love him dearly and for who/what he's become since parting ways with her.

Here's the problem. While the kids were sweet when I firt met them I didn't know what it was like or what it meant to be a mom so I was just "there" for them and let their father deal with the hard stuff. I was their friend and it worked for us. Then when we had our daughter together I honestly found out what true love is all about and what it means to know that you would lay down your life for someone else. My daughter is my world and the greatest accomplishment I will ever achieve. With that being said, I don't feel the same way for my step kids and I feel like they are a annoyance or an interruption into my life with my daughter and husband. I get so tense every other weekend when they come home and I can't stand to be in the same room with them.

To complicate matters, their mother has been campaigning for "Mom of the Year" the last two years (ever since my daughter was born) and she has been nothing but awesome in the eyes of the kids. They seriously do not remember all the stuff she did when they were little and she is banking on that notion and she knows that they will remember all the good and none of the bad. She has just gone overboard with allowing them everything under the sun and all the research I've done to get them into sports where they live, she tells the kids she did it all. My husband tries to step in where applicable and give me the just due that I deserve, but it seriously doesn't matter to them.

My husband and I constantly fight about the kids and how they are infringing on our time together. Whenever the kids are at our house my husband pays no attention to me and turns into a kid himself. The kids have gotten it into their heads that dad's house is fun time and they don't have to do anything else - meaning they don't have to clean up after themselves. So I am the only adult in the house and it's very frustrating. I don't like it as that puts me on edge even more. I've literally gotten into the mode of just going through the motions every other weekend and I make appointments so I don't have to be around. This also means that I am missing out on my own daughter's life and don't get to spend time with her because I can't split the kids up as they truly get along.

Don't get me wrong, the kids are good kids in reality, it's just that I don't have the same feelings for them and it's awful being around as I do feel like a third wheel.

Another complication in this whole big mess is our communication and the fact that we have NONE! He doesn't tell me when he is getting the kids for an extra weekend or when he is going to be visiting them during the week, until the very last minute which creates a huge blowup between us. You would think that after 4 years he would get the hint but he hasn't and it's frustrating!! Most notably was our wedding. He didn't want a big wedding and it was my first so I did - but I compromised in our planning and I met us in the middle. We ended up getting married a day after our first date 4 years ago and it was beautiful. However, I asked my husband to not get the kids until the morning of so that he could relax with his sister who flew in from out of town - he placated me and told me he agreed, but then went behind my back and got the kids anyway since I wasn't going to be there. On top of that, he kept the kids for our entire wedding weekend so we didn't even get a moment's peace - how awful is that?! Then to make matters worse, he told his ex-wife that he would take the kids so that her and her husband could go up north for a boozing weekend so we have them this weekend. We didn't even take time off for a honeymoon or even a week off because he waited until 3 days after our wedding to tell me that he was going to their open houses, WTF?!?! It's almost like he waited until I signed my life away to start acting like an even bigger jerk and now there is nothing I can do about it.

I really feel helpless right now and I don't know what to do anymore. I love my daughter to pieces and I'm not going to go without her every day so divorce is out of the question (sad that I'm even thinking of that a week later). I do love the idea of "my" family when the step kids aren't with us and we do get along. It just seems that when it comes to the other two he doesn't feel I'm important enough to tell me what's going on, or ask me if it was ok for them to come on an off weekend. I feel like there is no respect for me in this situation from him and everytime I bring it up, all we do is fight. That's not healthy for my daughter and I don't like her hearing it. I'm looking for some help/guidance if anyone can spare something for me. I feel very stuck right now and I know that I made my bed and I have to lie in it, but there has to be a coping mechanism out there...right?

Thank you,
Nicole