I'm an evil new sm
Hi I'm new here and so happy to have found this site! So I was recently married to a wonderful man who has an 8 yr old daughter. I also have a 9 year old son and im 3 mo. Pregnant. He has full custody of his daughter and the bm has had no contact since she was 4 yrs old.. I've known her for about 2 yrs but my dh and I had a long distance relationship so up until I moved in 7 months ago I only saw them about every other weekend.. I'm a very caring person and love my nieces and nephews as if they are my own so I figured I would have no problem bonding with my sd ESP since I stay home and dh works a lot.. Well I haven't been able to at all, she's not a really bad kid but she drives me crazy. My son can't ever sit with me or be near me without her constantly trying to one-up him. She will be sitting on a different couch or playing and the second my son comes near me she will run to sit by me and i catch her sticking her tounge at him after. I'm not the type of parent that cant admit when their kid is at fault, she picks fights with him and has scratched him diring these fights several times. I know if my son put a mark on her dh would flip but he only sends her to her room for a few mins. It's making my son unhappy and as a result I feel I'm starting to resent her. Now everything she does bothers me. She can't do anything for herself not even brush her hair. Dh still holds her or carries her around all the time and it just irks me. When it's just us I make her be more independent and once she stops crying about it she's perfectly capable. She doesn't have any friends bc none of the kids in the neighborhood can get along with her. She is very controlling and manipulative and I never realized such young children are capable of that. She cries over everything only when her dad is home bc she realized that I ignore it but dh coddles her and blames everything on her not having a mom so she cries and he takes her shopping or something. I know she's just being manipulative bc she says things like I miss my mommy only when she isn't getting what she wants. None of these things seem to be reason enough for me to dislike her but I do. I don't want her near me and I'm hoping that this new baby is a boy so that it doesn't learn to act like she does. Does this get easier? Any advice on how to bond? I know everyone would be happier if I could bc I feel like the evil step mom
It's normal for kids to be
It's normal for kids to be competitive for love and attention. Do they fight over your husband too? She needs to be corrected as soon as she acts this way, I'm afraid it will get worse when the baby comes. She is way too old to be acting that way for one, but she needs to know that if she is going to go into a jealous rage, she will be punished. And most of all treat them all the same, to the best of your ability. She shouldn't be getting special treatment because she doesn't see her real mom, that's no reason to excuse bad behavior. Better get your husband on the band wagon , cause it won't get better unless he'll admit to the problems too. Good luck !
Totally agree- it's not going
Totally agree- it's not going to get any better until and unless your husband gets on board. My DH used to do things for SD like tie shoes and open car doors- things she could do but would pretend she couldn't do just to get attention. I finally convinced him that she is smart and capable and babying her just enables her to keep acting like a baby and manipulate us. She used to pretend she couldn't open the doors on our Jeep because you have to push in on the button. I called BS because I'd seen her do it when she had something in the car she wanted, so one evening when I had her and her dad had her brother I stopped in a McDonald's parking lot and we got out of the car. I sat on the curb and played on my phone and told her once she was able to get in the car on her own, we could leave. She pouted, cried, screamed, threw herself on the ground, tried to bargain, etc. All I would say is "once you can get in the car, we can go". Sure enough after a 45 minute standoff she finally did it. Then she had this cocky, smug look and said, "see, I can do it". I said, "I know, you've always been able to do it". I shut the door and told her to open it again. I had her open the door three times and she climbed on in and we went home. I told my husband about our little lesson and he has been on board with calling BS when she whines "I caaaaaan't! It's too haaaaaard!". It no longer affects him in the same way, it annoys him and leads him to push her to act her age and do things she can for herself. Best of luck to you- I hope your husband will come along!
Some of this could be
Some of this could be attributed to her mother's abandoning her. Is she in counseling?
Your husband needs advice and
Your husband needs advice and needs to stop babying her.She learned that whinging and complaining helps her getting Daddys attention, instead she needs to relearn that doing the right thing will get attention.
Daddy does want t protect her and feels sorry for her all the time, so she naturally is indulging in this.Not healthy, for none of you.
my ss8 doesn't have a mother
my ss8 doesn't have a mother either, we call her the quarterly mom....every 3 mos or so she texts or calls and asks to see him. Gives me a day without him in my house so I always encourage fiancee to let him go. I have found that we are NOT evil for not loving our SKIDS....most of the reasons that I can tell that I don't love mine is because of dad and the way he treats him, his denial and ignorance over his autism, not doing anything in relation to his care, etc. now that i'm part of the picture, I have to handle all of ss8's medical issues. Dad takes him to his o/t and p/t appts. but if it weren't for me, the kid wouldn't be getting any services. I coordinate all his care between all his doctors, the school, the ot/pt, etc....it's fuckin exhausting. Pediatrician diagnosed ss8 with autism at AGE THREE....showed it to me right in his medical records, and when I met dad when kid was 5, he still apparently had 'no idea' of his son's condition!!!!! See where i'm going with the denial, etc.
And, fiancee treats one of my 2 bio kids rather badly. My sons are both neurotypical (normal, a word i don't really like but nonetheless) and very differnt from ss8. So, they are total 'boys"...he's not used to that and yells at my oldest too much, threatens to throw his bike and scooter in the trash, etc. It ignites a fire in my soul that causes me to purposely sometimes treat his son with no love and affection. It's like this: I care about ss8, making sure all his autistic/medical needs are met, but I don't 'love' him, I feel no affection for him like I do my kids. i don't hug him, tell him I love him, kiss him, even really touch him...nothing. I just can't do it.....
Thank you for the replies. I
Thank you for the replies. I don't feel as awful now but it sucks that so many of you are going through similar things. I'm going to have another talk with dh and hopefully get him on board with improving her independence and seeing through her behavior. I do care about her well being too and I want her to be happy but I totally understand about not wanting hugs/kisses and stuff. It makes me feel guilty but it is what it is I guess. They don't fight over dh, my son doesn't care if she's getting all of his attention, I asked her several times how she would feel if my son tried to take her dad's attention constantly like she does to my son and she says she wouldn't care- yeah right. I think the biggest reason for me disliking her so much is that she's coming between me and my son and making him unhappy. My son has no real relationship with his dad bc he's in the army and deploys 9 months out of the year and when he is home he's stationed across the country.. . He doesn't have a problem sharing my attention but it's almost impossible for him to get any at all. I take him out and do something just the 2 of us about every other week and dh is totally cool with it but I get pay back from my sd for days after with even worse behavior. She has been to counseling and they sent her to a psychologist. They say she has many symptoms of borderline personality disorder but they don't believe she has issues from her mom leaving since she was never a big part of her life from the time she was a baby. She has always had a good relationship with dh's mom which I think helped a lot but even she can't handle her neediness anymore so she doesn't spend nights over there anymore.