ideas on tactics/compromises?
OK so we got married this summer. 30 days later DH quit his local job for job on the road. he quit to gain sh1t ton of money so we could buy land and build big house. but building codes and lack of land killed that idea in 2 months. so whats he working away for now??
i am now at home with my DD16, DS12, SS14 and SD19. steps live here 24/7. my kids live here all the time except EOWE. i work full time, 45 hrs a week.
DH went for his first round of work- 2.5 months SOLID. and hes been home now for about 3.5 weeks. he goes back again DEC 1 thru May 5th. he will come home about 5 days every 6 weeks or so this next term.
issues i need to figure out are as follows:
SD19 lives like a room mate- comes and goes with loose curfews. her life is funded by DH except for basic toileries, clothing and gas for her car. all her other expenses not short of an abortion, 4 new car tires, $600 of car maintance/repairs, college classes she drops/fails, car insurance, cell phone- all funded by DH. she has only 2 chores. her room and a cat. she has a job 30 hours per week but is looking for something else because after 6 weeks this job is "not for her". before this job she held another 15 hr a week job since 2017. She graduated HS in May 2017. she has 7 college classes complete from the 4 semesters since graduating HS. 3 of which dont apply to her new undecided major-$1400 down the drain.
----SD19 i feel needs a fire lit under her, accountbaility and responsibility. maybe ultimatums and follow through on them. DH did tell her back in May that she was gonna have to start paying $200/mo but that hasnt happened yet.
SS14 is disrepctful. i am tired of being a glorified sitter with no real course of action or allowed to hand out punishments. hes consistently late for bed. back talks. wont shower for days. if he is late for bed i have to snap a photo of him and send to his dad as proof. due to back talk SS14 told his dad its because of the things i say(like i dont let him get away with lies and stuff. or tell him hes late) so then DH wanted me to start recording when i tell SS14 to do something. REALLY!?? I feel like its just a bunch of tattling and im a freaking 35 yr old mom of 2!!!
--- i think SS14 needs to be able to not "tattle" on me and vice versa and i should have ability to hand out punishments. i dont reward back talk. which is why when SS14 made the sports team and practices are at 6am EVERY DAY i told DH "well SD19 can do it".
we set forth and handed out rules and chores to ALL kids before DH started on this work thing. its sort of worked but not really. the kids mostly keep rooms clean and do a fair job. SD19 is a complete slob-like nasty not doing laundry for 6 weeks and wearing the clothes still type of nasty. if i say anything about DH kids to him he will say "well i hope your kids have their chores done" or something along those lines. I told him...he dont hear about my kids because i have the ability to handle my own kids. i have dished out punishments to my kids hes not even aware of because they are my kids. i hold my kids to higher education standards, cleaning standards etc.
i even had to go as far as go on a cooking strike for 5 weeks while he was gone. SD19 wasnt eating when she said she would, SS14 was berrating his dad with texts until his dad gave in when he didnt want to eat food i cooked. all the kids were just being ungrateful. after 2 weeks DD16 begged me to cook again and after 3 weeks DS12 begged me to cook again. SS14 was living high on the hog with chicken nuggets pizza rolls and taquitos. SD19 was rarely home now.
i need REAL tips/strategies NOT "leave him" or impractical suggestions. compromises? tactics? anything that has worked for you? reverse psychology?
i want to find a way to make it work. I did express my frustation and stress to DH when he was gone. Im not sure if he understands completely.
I get that its hard to have someone else tell you how to parent your kid. its normal to get defensive. but i DONT want to TELL him how but get him to see what is happening and how its not working. like i want to toss in different prespective and fresh ideas.
(my kids have always had chores. DD16 pays $150/mo for car insurnace and her own gas-mind you DD16 is a minor still and in HS. BOTH my kids are required to get A/B grades or they lose wifi until next report card and yes its happened to DD16 twice over the years and i held my ground. if they are late to bed, they get docked. they dont back talk me or DH. They would NEVER think to treat DH the way SS14 treats me. They get punishments for behavior and not doing chores. They go to bed hungry if they dont like what i cooked. so i parent my kids every single day)
Well, I wouldn't agree to
Well, I wouldn't agree to parent his kids while he works away, but, since you have ... I would let him know that if he's leaving you in charge of the kids for six weeks at a time, he gets ZERO say in any parenting while he's gone. Nothing. And if he's going to undermine you from a distance (or when he's home), he'll need to find a local job and take over all parenting of his children.
He should be kissing your feet and showering you with gifts for agreeing to such a crazy arrangement, especially since it no longer benefits you financially (as in, the reason he got the away job was to help towards your financial goals).
Your DH is away at work and leaving you the mess
DH has to get a job where he is home every night to take care of his kids. Nothing short of that is going to work. His kids don’t respect you, They are living on there own because they don’t listen to anything, and play games. You are the maid, cook, and money person. You can’t Disengage with out him there,
If you both agreed that he'd
If you both agreed that he'd take this job, I think you should try to make it work. More money is coming in and while the original plan to build might not work, you'll have more options with more money.
Still, you need to have authority with him gone so much of the time. You are mom and dad to all, so he needs to give you that authority and make it clear to his kids that they must abide you. And that's it -- there can be no two ways about it. You shouldn't have to report every infraction with which you're dealing. You really have your hands full -- you simply don't have time to negotiate every single incident after reporting it to him.
I'd ask him if he trusts you to be fair and reasonable with his kids. I assume he'll say yes -- why would he be with someone he doesn't trust to be decent to his kids? Then remind him you're both making sacrifices to have a better financial future -- him with the job and you with raising his kids, but it must run smoothly and that means he can't continue to be the go between. It's just not practical on a day-to-day basis. Tell him what you need to make this work -- authority -- and that he needs to back you up for you to have authority in his kids' eyes. Assure him the rules will be the same for all the kids and you'll share any major issues with him, but this little stuff can't take up so much time and effort.
It probably won't happen right away (on his part or his kids' part), but you need to work toward it with four kids and a full-time job. When you've managed to get that authority you need to parent, you can address the financial part of his SD's situation a little later. But take it one step at a time for now so he doesn't become defensive.
You're really doing this as a team. Everyone has their job. Because his job is away, you need the tools to do your part. Approach it that way with him when you talk.
100% all of this ^^^^ The
100% all of this ^^^^ The bottom line is that you Need to have the authority to be a parent, since you are the only adult around. Otherwise you are just a babysitter, although with less authority than a babysitter. Marblefawn did a better job than I would have at wordsmithing how the convo with your DH should go. Although you can say it in a way that may make him accept your point of view, the end result needs to be the same- you are going to have authority to discipline and even make rules (um, NO way in hell would a 19yr old whompays no bills not have any chores). Plain and simple. As long as he works this job and you are the only adult home, you are in control. If he would like to get a job where he is home because he refuses to give you that control, well, that option is on the table too. But those are the 2 choices.
I have this situation with my skids, on a smaller scale. My SO works 3rd shift, so he goes to bed around 6:30pm, and I’m with SD9 and SS12 the rest of the night/morning. He would get Soo defensive if I brought up something skids did, and kind of wanted me to stay out of it. He would get mad if I admonished them for anything. I told him that if he expects me to be with them alone so much, I need to have a say and be able to handle things. He needs to trust me. I think that is what eventually got him to understand my side- he does trust me, but he wasn’t acting like it. So he backed off and let me handle things more. I don’t usually discipline, because he is at least in town, unlike your DH. But if they aren’t doing something they should be, make a mess, stay up past their bedtime, I do correct them. It’s a happy medium that works for us. I think it’s unreasonable to expect someone to stay with kids for such a long period of time, but have no say and be expected to put up with disrespect. I hope your DH responds in a positive way if you present it like Marblefawn suggested, but if not, I think you need to stand your ground. Changes need to be made in order for you to be happy.
good points!
I think these are good points and ideas!
It is for sure going to be hard to tackle and he does get defensive but i think 50% is normal parent reaction and 50% is because BM died years ago and hes been flying solo for so long. hes not used to anyone else having input or ideas, but at same rate no one else has lived with him and skids besides me to see/deal day in/out.
we game planned before he left with clear written posted rules and chore charts for ALL kids. while each kid got same amount of chores/responsibilities(my kids had same chores as before but now written down). YES SD19 got room and cat care. because before she didnt even have to clean her room and it was nearing roach/bug/hoarder level while rest of the house looks clean and clutter free. chores/tasks were to be done with inspections on fridays. if inspection failed or they missed deadline on chores for the week then the weekend plans were cancelled. The whole rules/inspections/consequence situation was to make life easier FOR ME. but in the end it was sort of pointless. i mean i had to put sheet/bed linen washing as a task for SD and SS because niether of them ever washed their linens!! and now they still dont do it weekly because nothing happens to them because i have no authority to say "you failed". i have to tell DH "hey skids didnt do their linens chore" then he does nothing. i shouldnt have to be telling him. i should be able to say "you failed" and consequence follows and then its dealt with, end of story.
i quickly learned with the 1st failed inspection and complete ignoring of a chore by each of his kids in same week, that he refused to adhere to consequence. i told them both- no going anywhere- to their face and why. they then texted him and then he told me "because it was pre planned activties they can go" welllllll sh1t! so now they learned "we say we had pre planned things then we can half a$$ our tasks and be golden" so now i dont even bother...because whats the point. SD19 half a$$es everything and no consequence.
i do give credit where credit is due. we said no more food/drinks in bedrooms- all kids adhere even though my kids never did it before because thats how i raised them. while SD19 cleaning her room and private bathroom is spectacular and not up to mine or his standards it is an improvement from what it was before. the 3 other KIDS still clean better than she does though.
im always reasonable with my kids and hes seen that over the years. i dont hit my kids and my kids dont back talk me or him. if they are late to bed, they get early bed time for double the amount of time they were late on the next night. if they are on gadgets past gadget time...they get gadgets taken away earlier or gadgets put downstairs before bed so no sneaking.
while all the kids are generally good(like no one is a criminal or wreckless or DR Phil level out of control) there are issues.
i for sure am fed up with the "tattling". i dont have mental energy to devote.
Sounds like you run a
Sounds like you run a reasonably tight ship!
All you need is manageable, not perfection. It sounds as if SD has some good qualities to appreciate (she is working, even if she's unhappy about her job). That's all you need. Pair that with some authority and you'll be able to get through this.
Be sure when you raise this that you make it all about the team effort and everyone functioning at their best so HE can come home to a clean house without his kids running to him with a list of petty complaints. You just want to run the household so he can enjoy his rare time at home. It's ALL ABOUT THE MASTER OF THE HOUSE, hahahaha!
LOL that sounds like a bit of
LOL that sounds like a bit of reverse psychology there...
i was a teen mom but i like to think i do a pretty decent job. and as i have told DH before, i am doing the best i can with what i know/have. i just want a better future for my kids and HIS! and when i come across something i can teach them that no one taught me(like budget, taxes, cleaning, life skills) i teach it!
tonight though i held firm in the fact i wont be doing transport for SS14 to sports at 6am. SD was told shes doing it when DH isnt here. so when SS14 says SD cant do it because shes not coming home tonight(she hasnt been home since 6pm friday) i told SS14 thats not my problem because his father told his sister it was on her when he was gone and she knew her dad was going to be gone tomorrow. she also promised to pay SS14 to do her cat chore because she wasnt coming home.
if DH calls tonight or mentions sports thing im going to tell him that i am not picking up her slack. she didnt clean her bathroom like shes suppose to and has been gone since friday at 6pm and now is planning on not coming home again when she knew she had responsibilities dictated by her father.... nope. not my area. shes purposely avoiding and neglecting.
all the kids have good qualities and for a man he raised them decent. but sometimes it is hard because my kids were raised with expectations so when i say to my kid "you will pay $150/mo car insurnace" there is no whining or begging or anything. its paid. SD19 was threatened and she whined and said "but wwwhhhyy none of my friends pay and if i have to pay i wont have any money for anything fun". when i tell SS14 to do homework he fights it, when i tell my kids they do it.
i really want this next stint of DH to be his last. but hes already been offered another one for next summer. we arent building a house. we are staying in this one until at least 2024 when the youngest, DS12, graduates. all our finances are seperate because of the kids. i still contribute financially the same as i did before we were married and the same as before i got a pay raise that has tripled my annual income. we havent bought anything crazy and have no plans to. we live the same lifestyle. there just isnt a need for him to be gone right now. its something he can do later if he wanted and i could travel with him when all kids are grown.
*sigh*
Stop listening to ONE WORD
Stop listening to ONE WORD that he says berating you for not kissing his kids' behinds. STFU should be your only response to him when he pulls that kind of stuff.
I certainly wouldn't tell you to leave him - he's already left you.
It's okay if you only cook for YOUR children. The 19 year old needs to be kicked out on her rear. Why do you have to deal with a grown adult woman? Are you paying for groceries and utilities for his spawn? You can stop that.
The 19 year old is legally an adult. The 14 year old is not - but neither is he a 5 year old who needs a babysitter. Can you confine him to his room and ignore the fact that he exists?