Does he literally spend 24/7 with her? Does she have any other life or interests outside of her dad? It's hard to believe that there is NO time that he can spend with you - oh yeah except for a few minutes when he wants sex.

I realize that a cocaine addiction is tough to break. More power to her for dealing with this demon and for his helping her.

But perhaps you and your children need to step back and literally have zero to do with him. No sex for sure. No man even a husband gets to treat one like a booty call.

Turn your back on both of them and enjoy your own children. Do not let him treat you like a hooker he rents for 15 minutes.

Unfortunately he may not change. In that case you have to figure out how you are going to make a life for yourself without him as you can't make him want you.

>>he could only deal with one thing at a time<<
Does he tell his boss this?

I'm sure you can give him examples of situations where he was able to do more than one thing at a time.

Ask him if his 18 year old daughter got into a crisis what would he do?

He is terrified of losing his daughter again. He will keep this up forever or for as long as you allow it. You can tell him till you are blue in the face how hurt you are and how miserable you feel in the marriage, and what he will see is, your still there aren't you, it can't be that bad.

I lived your life for 8 years. My husband fathered 2 sons and a daughter. He couldn't have cared less about the sons. But the daughter, well she was the one making all the noise. He was estranged from his kids when we married. As soon as his daughter found out we had built a new house, into daddy's life she comes demanding a new car. It was on from there.

8 years of his allowing her to isolate, insult, ignore and humiliate me and I banned her from our home and told him to go with her. He didn't. He is seeing a psychologist now and in a session that I attended, he said he knew what his daughter had been doing to me, but he didn't want to put a stop to it because if he said anything to her, she would stop talking to him.

He had just spent 8 years putting the blame for his daughters behaviour all on me. I imagined it, I was too sensitive, I just didn't like her, he didn't hear her say that, he didn't see her do that. Blah, blah, blah. Then I find out he knew all along what he was doing to me, but he was afraid she would stop talking to him if he didn't put the princess first, so, he did. Had I not gotten to the point where I was ready to end the marriage, he'd still be doing it.

Your dh has handled all of this badly. You, in respecting him and his relationship with his daughter, in loving him, in trying to help his daughter, have encouraged his behaviour, and supported him giving her the position of wife in the family. No good deed goes unpunished. I too took a back seat when my husbands daughter first came back into his life. I loved and respected him enough to trust that he would in time pull her into line. Instead, everyday I said nothing, was a day firmer and stronger he became entrenched in his emotionally incestious relationship with her.

This is going to be really hard for you to do. But you have to be strong if you want your marriage back, strong enough to let it go. You have to find out which woman your husband wants as a wife, you or his daughter. Right now, she gets the date nights, you get the sex. you get to cook and clean and be the mother to everyone, dh and sd get to go out and play, he's got it made, all his needs are getting met. His daughter has what she would believe to be a great and perfectly normal relationship with her dad, so she's happy. They have no reason to change the status quo. You need to get in or get out. Get your place as his wife back, shut up and put up with being Cinderella, and expect this to go on forever and get worse when she has kid, because then you go down the list of priorities on his list as each of them is born, or you stand up for yourself, bite the bullet and tell him his partying with his daughter and putting her first days are over or your gone. This cannot be an ultimatum, it needs to be how you really feel. You need to know if this is how you want to spend your life with him, or would you rather be alone. The power for change really lies within yourself, you just need to find the courage to change things.

No darling he won't magically change back. Unless he really loves you and wants his marriage, he has no reason to change. Your therapist was telling you that in asking you that one little question, is this how you want to live your life.

I know it is so hard when you love them to stand up and end the relationship. But is it a relationship when they have a need for you as a carer, and bed mate, but are totally in love with their daughters.

I asked myself the same question, is this how I wanted to live my life, the answer was no way in hell. I told her and him to go. It was the best thing I could have done.

He is in therapy now, I can't see him changing his thinking much from that, but he is on antidepressants and they have helped him a lot.

I am sorry for your situation, but your husband will never find the courage to change, unless he has good reason to. That reason may well be the reality that he could lose his wife. But if its not, if he chooses to let you go and keep his daughter. The biggest loser is him, not you. He will find himself in your shoes very soon, a lonely third wheel in her relationships. However, don't think staying there and waiting for her to marry will change things for you, it won't. Even when their daughters marry and have kids, nothing changes. These men have to face the reality of losing something before there is any chance of change. You staying, her marrying, having kids, changes nothing, it only gives him more, and you less. Sorry, but you are the one who has to make the hard decision and truthfully answer that question, is this how you want to live the rest of your life. If its not, then you have to be the one to change, he won't. He is crippled by fear and anxiety.

Since your kids are older, maybe you should start finding your own outside interests and friends. If you start having your own separate life it could cause him to think differently, or you will feel that you can make a life on your own and it will help you make a definite decision.

Stay at your parents. You have been replaced. Why do these men always love their first kids more? My H has a son with me but hardly notices him. The only reason I'm still there is because the mini wife showed her tre colours a moved back to Bms. Though now she has stopped his access unless he divorces me! Not sure what is worse!! Do t put yourself through years of misery. I ended up practically begging. This site has kept me off of medication and I am so near that leaving day

Maybe I'm bitter but I just don't think they love us or we wouldn't get tossed aside

Big difference between love and guilt. They are put under pressure from the ex or the kids, they feel bad, it leads to guilt and turns into fear if they don't comply they will never see their kids, which leads to anxiety and various degrees of depression. Hard to be a loving attentive husband with all these other emotions going on. Then in case that's not enough, often the dhs parents show the kids undue attention to make up for their father not living at home and dhs gets guilted by them too. Now, I'm not blaming everyone else for what dh does. All of this happens and escalates because they take a head in the sand approach to bad behaviour with the kids, and a tell everyone what they want to hear to shut them up approach with the adults. Everyone finishes up feeling lied to and ignored, become angrier, and pile on more guilt and demands. DH sticks his head further into the sand, changes nothing about the way he handles things, and round and round we go again.

It sounds like a pressure cooker to have all 3 of you in the house 24/7 because of your respective work/study arrangements. Perhaps one factor is that your DH does not recognise how little quality time you have together, or the impact that has on your relationship, because it seems like you are in the house together all the time. Whereas the memory of never seeing SD and having no relationship with her is still very fresh in his mind. If you get a job it will change the dynamic and perhaps make him think about how/if he values time with you. Don't sit home while he goes hiking, take up some new hobbies, see friends, get a new haircut. If you begin to move away from him it's a dry run in terms of establishing more independence and will give you both an opportunity to consider if you actually miss and value time together. It will probably be a lot more effective than complaining, if you complain about his time with SD it just sets off his defensive resentful trigger, if you go about your business happy and reduce his time with you that leaves him to focus on missing you and doing something about it, or not. In which case the writing is on the wall.