I hate my GF's son, and I hate myself more for it. (long)

Forums:

I'm 29 and my girlfriend is 27 and has a 6-year-old son. The biological father is not in the picture at all and never has been--the son has never even met him.

When my girlfriend and I first started dating, we both agreed we wanted to take things slow with her son. My parents are both on their third marriages and divorced when I was young, so I got subjected to an endless revolving door of my parents' girlfriends and boyfriends and their inevitable break-ups and I NEVER wanted to do that someone's child. My girlfriend grew up in similar circumstances, so we both agreed that we didn't really want to integrate me with her son until we at least decently sure this relationship had permanent potential. So, for the first few months of our relationship, we didn't really do as a family-type unit.

In retrospect, as responsible as I was trying to be with that approach, it may have been a mistake. Because I am very much in love with my girlfriend now, and she is honestly the best girlfriend I have ever had. I cannot imagine losing her or being with anyone else ever again.

But her child is a terror.

After having spent the last few months spending time with the three of us together, I don't know if I can do this. And, honestly, I'm starting to really dislike this child for his behavior. And I'm ashamed and hate myself for it, but I can't seem to help it. And I'm starting to resent my girlfriend a bit for it, because I know he's just a kid and I can see that the undisciplined way he's been raised has caused most of this. And it's making me want to just leave the relationship, but I can't make myself do it because I love his mother.

And to be fair, I've never had children. I know I can't entirely understand what it's like or how difficult it is. But I do know the difference between a kid just being a kid and when something is WRONG. I had two little brothers who were over a decade younger than me that I watched grow up, I've dated other women with children, and I've got nephews and nieces and little cousins. I'm not entirely ignorant of children and what's normal behavior and what's not.

But let me describe him in a little more detail so I don't just sound like a jerk.

If he doesn't get his way about anything, no matter how large or small the demand, he cries. Like full-on crying and hysterics. And unless the demand is just outrageous, his mother simply acquiesces and does what he wants rather than deal with it. She has stated to me herself that if the demand is not that big, it's easier to just do it and keep him happy, which I found appalling.

Another big one: He sleeps with her, and it is not optional. He has his own room and a bed, but he will not sleep alone. In fact, as far as I know, he has never intentionally slept alone. And she is fine with this and sees no problem with it. Except, whenever I stay over? We have to wait for her son to fall asleep on the couch, and then she "sneaks" him into his own room and bed. Then we have to pray he doesn't wake up in the night, because he will have a fit about not being in bed with her.

He doesn't misbehave (in the strict sense) that often, but, of course, he gets absolutely no punishment when he does or for any other bad behavior. I doubt he's ever spent more than thirty seconds in time out. And any time he does get in trouble and gets threatened with punishment by my girlfriend, he simply whines and negotiates with her until she finally relents and doesn't punish him at all.

And he expects us or her to keep him entertained at all times and cannot simply EVER play by himself. Need your girlfriend to help you work on something in the garage? Too bad, someone has to stay inside and play with the boy and make sure he's happy. Don't feel like playing video games with him for four hours straight? Too bad. Want to watch some program on TV that evening instead of 24/7 cartoons? Too bad, even though he's got a TV and cable in his room, he can't spend one half hour watching it in his room and has to watch it in the living room. And on and on and on.

And going anywhere with him is a nightmare, even if it's somewhere FOR him. He simply whines and cries and finds something to make demands about and just ends up ruining the whole thing. We took him to a fireworks show he wanted to go to once, and he got bored after five minutes and demanded we leave (after paying money to go there) and then proceeded to hysterics afterwards when he didn't. We took him to a pumpkin patch for Halloween, and proceeded to have a bawling fit because two rides on the tractor wasn't enough for him.

It's to the point now, where I dread going anywhere out in public with them and try to avoid it, for fear of him having one of his crying jags in front of people.

In fact, she's babied and coddled him so much that I honestly think she's stunted his development and that he's behind his peers by three or four years.

For example... His speech. He has some pretty severe speech impediments to the point that I can only understand him about half of the time. Just normal toddler ways of pronouncing things that most kids have grown out of by tht age. His mother never corrects him when he speaks for fear of hurting his feelings or angering him, and she seems to think that it's completely normal that nobody can understand him at this age.

Also, he's not developing any independence whatsoever and is way, way, way too reliant on her. She signed him up for kindergarten basketball, and at his games, he almost refuses to sit with his team because he needs to be by his mother's side. And during the games, if he has to go to the bathroom, instead of just going to the locker room like the other kids on his team, his mother has to escort him.

I could honestly go on for another ten pages of examples, but I've probably made my point.

What do I do here? I've tried to talk to my girlfriend about this, but, as anybody who has dated a single mother knows, you cannot EVER say anything critical of your significant other's child. Anything I say, no matter how nicely or calmly, is taken as an attack on her parenting or her child. She gets defensive and hurt and doesn't listen whatsoever. And she honestly doesn't think there's anything abnormal here anyway.

Am I just screwed? Is there any hope here of things changing? Or do I need to just cut my losses and get out before this goes on any longer?

It's breaking my heart to think of leaving her, but I can't imagine actually living with her and her son and having to deal with this every day.

desperateboyfriend I can

desperateboyfriend

I can sense from your post that you are a reasonable and decent man, and i want to assure you that there's nothing wrong with you. From what I have read, you have approached the relatinoship with the caution and sensitivity it deserves. And then some.

Unfortunately some parents cause so much damage by not adequately disciplining their children, that it maes the impossible difficult to bear. The worst thing you could do to a child is to threaten punishment and not follow through with it in my eyes. It teaches the child that there is no real consequences for bad behaviour, and that the parents can really offer them empty threats.

What I also read in your post is that not only is his discipline lacking, there seems to be some confusion as to who the parent is and who the adult is in the situation. Appeasing children for the sake of them not misbehaving is the second biggest sin that a parent can be guilty of.

Single mothers are particularly to be blamed for this sort of behaviour. I find that they try to make up for an absent parent so much that it ends up damaging their kids. My BD3's (she's almost 4) dad has never been in the picture since she was born. I knew that it was not going to be easy, and I also gaurded her from relationships, until I met my fiance 2 years ago. We both have kids from a previous relationship (OMG that's a horror story for another post), and yes, there's always sensitivity when it comes to how you engage with these kids.

The sad part is that is difficult to make a decision when you genuinely love someone. You should read more about stepparenting, OBJECTIVELY and for your situation, and see whether this is a life for you. Because its a lifelong commitment. read between the lines of bitterness from other forumers - because the situation can leave you bitter. Love, sometimes is not enough, but if you're willign to give it an honest and sober shot, all the best.

My god you have my sd's twin.

My god you have my sd's twin. She would fall asleep in daddys bed and he would creep her back into her bed when she was asleep even when we where first dating, her bm did the same. Sd was so used to this when she got invited to sleepovers or school camps she wouldn't go. As for the tantrums my god they where awful I would walk away and let my SO deal with it the shame. I did some things to help, such as she was drinking out of baby cups at 8, at the time we has a dog that chewed things guess what happened to cups :). The bed guard stayed on her bed till she was 9. It got accidentally broken :). I would seriously buy some parenting books and leave them around for your gf It takes time and my SO still tries to baby sd she still wont go to sleep with out SO or bm talking to her first. Good luck on this it's bloody hard. Especially a miserable child who is spoilt and used to getting what they want. I think the only reason I have stayed with SO is we have 2 children together now or I would have run for the hills and never looked back. For the record my SO is a wonderful bloke who I feel head over in love with. Now I resent him for letting sd who is 13 now talk to him like sh@t and Not ever saying no to bm. Your skid will only get worse. My OH used to say she would get better as a teen. I remember laughing at the time!

Sounds like you have a very

Sounds like you have a very tough decision to make and I wish you all the best. I found a quote that I like to reflect on when I have to make decisions - "accept conditions or accept the responsibility to change them". So I'd say you need to have some hard discussions w yourself and your GF. IMHO you should do what is right for you first and formost bc you are no good to anyone if you aren't sorted out first. Easier said than done, I know. Re-read your post bc there are some v telling things in there. And Foxxy is right - do your research. It can be v challenging so you need to make sure it's the right choice for you. Otherwise there will be even more hurt down the track for you, your GF and the child.

My situation is v diff to yours. I have a great relationship w my SS11. We only see him 4-5x a year but I still find it challenging (even w/o the BM drama) and on occasion I resent having a SKid. Sometimes something will happen and even after 8 years I ask myself what have I gotten myself into. In the early years I sometimes had resentment for my DH. I don't anymore of course but I had to really work at changing my attitude and changing things that inhad influence on bc the situation - having a SKid w a psycho BM wasn't going to change. It is a lifetime thing. I wouldn't change my current situation - but I do wish I had done some research and talked to other steps. For me, I don't know that it would have changed my decision but it would have at least prepared me a little better for what was to come.

I don't think you are a jerk for saying those things about the kid - he's not yours and you haven't had a hand in raising him. If you decide to move fwd w your GF, for your sanity, and for the sake of your relationship you should agree w your GF on how the kid will be raised and he will need to understand this too (as much as he can at his age). Read up on this too.

I wish you all the best and send positive energy your way.

Mommy has made her son her

Mommy has made her son her 'best friend'. Cut your losses and RUN.. it won't change. I have a friend who's done the same thing to her kid and I can hardly ever even stand to have them over. The kid is terrible.. does most of the same things you describe.

CALLING AUTEUR!!! I know you

CALLING AUTEUR!!!

I know you have a lot going on right now, but you wouldn't happen to have that GUILTZILLA checklist on hand to help desperateboyfriend out would you? I think it might give him some things to think about...

Um yes I would REVERSE

Um yes I would REVERSE GENDERS PLEASE

1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed

with him at night)

2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?

3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habis, eating

habits, bedtime habits?

4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children

as much as or more than him)

5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?

6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?

7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you

bring up a legitimate concern

8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they

physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?

9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done

themselves?

10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their

own?

11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the

children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.

More than one? RUN!!

Great checklist! Lucky for me

Great checklist! Lucky for me not one "yes".

Desperateboyfriend, RUN, DO

Desperateboyfriend, RUN, DO NOT WALK TO THE NEAREST EXIT. The mother is COMPLETELY at fault for her demon child. She needs to get him evaluated professionally and YOU need to leave immediately. It will NOT change, this will be an ongoing battle and it will never get better unless the mother is willing to DISCIPLINE her child, which from the sounds of your post, she is completely in denial and will never grow a backbone. Go find yourself a nice BAGGAGE free girlfriend.

Is this a decision that needs

Is this a decision that needs to be made today? Can you just continue to date and include the child less? Mommy may see that she is at risk of loosing you if she can't meet you half way. Of course you know... even if she did see it your way today, and try to change the little bugger. It definitely would not happen over night. This challenge, if you choose to accept it - is life long.

I am like a lot of you. I

I am like a lot of you. I desperately wish I had not gotten myself into this mess. I never had children because I never wanted to, and I should have followed this instinct. You say "I love her more than any other girlfriend ever" which is probably true today, but it won't be true for very long, I promise you.

My husband is a wonderful person, but when it comes to his kid AND HIS EX, he has blinders on. They all do. And if you try to change anything that is happening such as the sleeping arrangements, you will be the bad guy who came and screwed everything up in BOTH their eyes. God forbid you should make any comments about the discipline or criticize the kid in any way. She might appear to listen to you a little bit now, but as you go along, she will harden her position and you will get increasingly resentful. No, I'm not a psychic. It's the voice of experience.

If you think it's hard to peel yourself away from your girlfriend now, imagine how hard it will be later when you invest more time. I STRENUSOUSLY disagree with the poster who said spend less time with the kid and more time alone with her, because that will give you a false sense of a relationship. It will falsely bond you. Yes, it's a relief to get away from the kid and I cherish my days when he's not here. BUT he always comes back, and as he gets older, he's worse and worse to be around. We've only been married 2-1/2 years and I'm looking at apartments for myself.

I noticed u said that the

I noticed u said that the biological father is and never has been in the picture? if this is true then as a step father, it is ur duty ,if you choose, to be that role model, source of discipline and man in the Childs life. If the mother feels that it's not your position then your setting your self up for a lot of trouble by staying. As the child gets older, his lack of respect for you wil dwindle and you will be in misery. The mother will try and pacify him thinking that love and no discipline will be enough.NO. A boy needs his ass torn from time to time...mark my words. Be the man and source of discipline NOW, leave, or get ready for years of misery.

Wow...you are in a tough

Wow...you are in a tough spot. When you love someone, you love ALL of them, not just the good parts. That is the basis for a good relationship. Apparently you do not agree with her parenting skills, and that is going to be a BIG source of problem in the relationship. What will happen when you have children together? Will they be disciplined and well-behaved while SS is running amok? If he is six years old now, you've got at least 12 years to go before he can leave the nest---and the teenage years are like DOG years even if you LIKE your kids! You really can't just give her an ultimatum to be a good parent or you're leaving, because she obviously doesn't know how to do that. If she won't work along with you to make this child bearable, it may be time to hit the road. Sometimes it's best to just cut your losses and move on.

This post was a while ago.

This post was a while ago. I'm curious to know if you are still with her, because it appears that we must be talking about the same person. This situation is driving me up a wall. I'm attempting to be ok about it, but it really is hard. Everything that you described fits my situation perfectly. Im 29, she's 28. Her son is 6. He seems to be developmentally challenged to a certain extent due to the constant enabling. While writing this message, I'm sleeping in my own guest room. Guess where my girlfriend is??? Yep, u guessed it. In my bed with her son who cuddles under her like a needy cub looking for milk. He won't share but expects the world. Im supposed to stop everything that I'm doing to cater to him. Most recently, I've become a glorified babysitter, watching him in the morning while his mom is at work until his grandmother picks him up. Im tired of this situation. I feel like I should move on as well. I can't talk with her because she thinks that her child is just the most intelligent and respectful kid on the face of the planet!!!!

Being a parent is the

Being a parent is the toughest job in the world,next to being a step-parent,remember that !!!!!!

I know this is an old post, I

I know this is an old post, I found it while searching the title.
I have 3 of own kids and have spent 1.5yrs with a gf, she has a 5 yr old who is similar to above, however is violent and hitting kids and teachers in school. My GF is overly concerned of feelings and her child cites feelings all the time and excuses his hitting as simply "I was angry". I'm talking punches in the back, kicks to staff members and only shows remorse when he is caught or in trouble for the behavior. I find myself staring at the kid and truly despising him. Recently my boys (6&8yo) were pushing/shoving over use of my ipod and her boy punched my boy in the pills even though he wasn't involved. Unprovoked, seemingly excited by the aggression and wanting to join. I smell trouble with the boy and have accepted the fact that I truly dislike this boy.
While watching him play I see an intensity in his eyes that I can't comprehend, he is entirely different than me and I cannot relate. She has expressed frustration and is engaging professional help. In all honesty she has tried several approaches and is not afraid to discipline. The problem is the child, and I grew up watching my father deal with my older stepbrother who stole and generally didn't care about anything. My dad was never allowed to discipline and my bro grew to a criminal degenerate. I guess that fear of becoming my father has taken seed. I want no part of assisting in raising a demon child.
Now, as for my choice, luckily we haven't moved in together and I am now about to walk. I am OK with this choice as I have gained understanding that children are simply undeveloped adults. His behaviors are not something I would accept from an adult or any child and I should not be forced to live with one.

I do love the gf, but kids trump all, good or bad.

** Not proud of it, but at one point I was poking her child while he slept because he crept into my bed and wedged himself between us...lol, I know it's horrible but at least I have enough sense to walk away. Anyone else who has concerns over their new spouse's children should do the same.

Your GF's son sounds so much

Your GF's son sounds so much like my DH's son. Same age and everything. You said, "I'm talking punches in the back, kicks to staff members and only shows remorse when he is caught or in trouble for the behavior." This is skid exactly. He has ZERO remorse, he likes to be mean, and he is already so able to fake being sorry, vacant end empty and totally transparent "I'm sorry" and you can just see the wheels turning in his mind, the rage, due to being caught.

"Unprovoked, seemingly excited by the aggression and wanting to join. I smell trouble with the boy and have accepted the fact that I truly dislike this boy." This is skid exactly as well. He thrives on aggression, being violent and volatile, he is so aggressive and so mean. He is currently kicked out of school due to his aggressive behaviors, violent rages, attacks on the teacher and other students, and crapping and peeing his pants on person out of sheer defiance. I despise him so much.

You said, "While watching him play I see an intensity in his eyes that I can't comprehend" This is exactly how I feel about skid. I swear, it is so obvious, just by looking in his eyes that he is so totally not all there in the head at all. He is just a ticking time bomb. He goes off all the time and as he gets older it will just get more explosive and destructive.

My advice to you is to get out. I am married to DH, and if I had seen what you have before marriage, I would not be where I am today.

I've been coming here and

I've been coming here and reading these posts since early 2012 after I guiltily googled the title of this thread hoping to find a solution. Tonight after 2-years I finally had enough of my gfs son and I regrettably had to walk. I love my gf very, very much and she did start many attempts to get her son to be more "normal" I'll say for lack of a better word, but she could never stick to her guns on anything. The final straw was him screaming at me over a tv show and her not doing anything about it (again). It's a small thing, yes, but something just snapped and I had to run screaming from the situation. I wish I could shake some sense into my gf and say "This foul stench of Satan is going to live with you till he's 40, then he'll beat you to death with a beanbag chair because you told him he had to bring his plate in the kitchen before he could watch another episode of Pokemon!"

It's important to remember that a single mother and her son are one unit. If you find a beautiful, perfect red apple hanging from a tree, but the apple has an obsessive, over-eating, whining, crying, chewing with his mouth open, always lying about using toothpaste, festering lump hanging from its side, you don't eat that damn apple.

I'm sorry your relationship

I'm sorry your relationship has ended over her son. But I'm glad you've been able to find the strength to leave, it's so hard. But while they put their children above their spouse, it can never work.

But in reality their kids

But in reality their kids have to come first. Id have never expected her son to be less important to her than I was, I just wanted him to act like a human and not ruin every happy situation that came up. In hindsight I know I should have left long ago when I saw how screwed up and strange their relationship was.

Hello man i can't believe how

Hello man i can't believe how similar my situation is i really want to know what decision you make contact me plz.

I have been lurking and

I have been lurking and reading, lurking and reading, over and over, this amazing story.

My story is extremely similar. Enough of it is different but enough of it is similar that I can safely state that I know exactly how this person feels. To "hate" a child is a strong thing. I've been with this woman for 3 years and for that same 3 years I have been absolutely roaring angry at the kid. I hate the sight of him and I hate the sound of his voice, his screeching, constant noize-making and other spoiled brat behavior.I have a daughter and a son, almost the same ages as her daughter and son (@6boys and @9girls). Dealing with him alone takes 3x out of me than the rest of them put together. Most days I am furious with him before I set a foot on the floor.

It has put a strain on the relationship and I have thought about leaving her over this and moving.

We live in a world where people don't hit kids or punish them physically and I am definitely not one to ever harm a child. My Dad never hit me so I don't do it but he sure as hell yelled. Yelling is the new hitting as far as I can see because it is absolutely the nuclear option as far as disipline goes in this house. Nothing brings them crumbling down like a loud admonishment. I have ROARED at this kid and made my own kids cry because of it even though they're not the subject of my wrath (as in never, not even once). I have earned enough goodwill/karma in this world to feel comfortable enough anonymously over the internet saying that I despise him. Because I do, and it wasn't overnight. It took close to 3 years to get that level of animosity. I love my girlfriend, her daughter and my 2 kids and "passionately, strongly dislike" her Son. If it were just her and him I probably would have left by now. The rest of the situation is very strong so I have stayed put.

The funny thing is - when I searched for this I actually typed "and hate myself more because of it" because I do have that guilt. That is a word I don't easily throw around. Hate. A child. It's a crazy concept. But it fits.

I have been lurking and

I have been lurking and reading, lurking and reading, over and over, this amazing story.

It has put a strain on the relationship and I have thought about leaving her over this and moving.

Thanks and my story

This is a really old post I know, but it's still flying high in Google and it saved my neck. So thanks! I was considering the step parent role, researched his behaviors and eventually landed here.

I ended the relationship. So mainly a thanks, but for newcomers, I thought another tale of woe might be at least interesting and maybe save one more person from purgatory.

So my girlfriend, 26, was amazing. I'm a European in the Dominican Republic, so they're a level or two behind on most things, but she was just different. We dated for six months, and my reservations about children seemed to melt away. I'm 43 and childless, so that's a big deal.

I know that, too. Some of this is just me not knowing a damn thing about kids and then getting presented a Super Nanny project on day one..

But everything was amazing, so I decided to meet her son for a four day vacation.

It was the last time I will ever see him.

I was trying to be good, not try too hard, just include him, but no, from the start that was never going to work. Most of it was his lunatic mother's fault in retrospect too.

He ran through the door, grabbed me by the legs and said 'my new dad!'. Which was horrific to be honest, and kind of set the mood for the whole trip. I was expected to give instant love to a pain in the ass, and anything less would be seen as serious and massive rejection.

He refused to be alone for a moment, shouted and screamed the whole time, ran everywhere, fell over, cried more. Everything he wanted, he demanded, he was just a rude kid with no manners. Anything approaching no was greeted with hysterics, crying and amateur dramatics.

We went out to a restaurant, he ran around like a 2 year old and refused to eat or join us. He almost started trouble with some old couple that just wanted to be left alone and was bouncing off the walls the whole time. All of his interactions seemed to be about domination and intimidation, which is absurd from a 6 year old kid.

He'd get your attention by running directly into you, he stole my drink and drank it in front of me like some kind of weird challenge at the table. He'd order you to get him a drink in the house, just 'Juice! Now!'. It was just weird and laced with aggression.

Tell him to do something (not chores, literally stop doing that, it's dangerous and you will die. Or don't slurp juice over the top of my laptop): 'NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' And that crappy little scowl again. And when he saw it wasn't going to fly, he suddenly changed it to a giggle or, worryingly, fear and more crying...

To me it looked like the foundation of a sociopath's way of working a person, trying to bully them, becoming the victim when it doesn't work.

And then, on my third set of painkillers for the day, which became normal for the whole four days, we all decided to just go to bed, him in his room, us in ours. I thought that would be fine. After she spent half an hour or more tucking him in anyway.

We were actually having a little bit of fun for the first time all day (I hadn't seen her in weeks at that point, he was meant to be asleep, so yeah...) when the moaning at the door started: 'Maaaaa-mi? Maaa-mi?!'

She said he'll go back to bed, it's fine.

Within 30 seconds that kid was having a screaming meltdown, smashing the bedroom door with his fists and wailing like a banshee. He got into our bed that first night, I ended up on the sofa, and he did the same thing every night. On the last night, she punished him... So yeah inconsistent rules and parenting were fairly clear.

On the last day, when I was counting down the minutes to their departure, he came and sat next to me and tried to look cute. He put on the most inauthentic baby voice I have ever heard and asked me to buy him a gaming laptop. I actually laughed in his face.

I asked him if he thought with his behavior this week we should even be talking about this, and he nodded. So I just said no. Let's not discuss this more. That made him revert to his normal self, point to my laptop and say 'give me this one!'

I just looked at his mom, said you deal with this, and stopped talking to him.

Turns out the kid had never slept alone, was an only child of a single mother and had been turned into some kind of sick mini husband. He felt his 'man of the house' role was under threat and was trying to get all Alpha male on me, which boded well.

On top of that he spent extended periods away from her with her mother, so add abandonment and all that stuff in there too. She's guilty about that, so add in permissive parenting. We got a perfect storm and a broken child.

That kid is a disaster, but I didn't break him, I don't know where to start fixing him and I don't want to try.

I'm still seeing his mom though, but just as friends. She knows I want no part of that family dynamic. I'll never haver kids with her either, she's not very good at this...

Just do yourself a huge favor

Just do yourself a huge favor and do not get this woman pregnant. What a nightmare it would be to pollute your own gene pool with that cesspool of dysfunction. I would stop seeing the cause of this dysfunction all together and not risk even the remotest possibility of getting stuck with a kid by this failed mother.

Good luck.

You're right, I know you're right :)

Thanks! Yeah I know everything you say is spot on. I think running away entirely is the next step.

But thank you all for the warnings and names for the behaviors that helped me piece it all together!

O man i feel your pain

Read the horror story I posted a few months ago about my gfs piece of shit son. Also tried getting all alpha on me, acting like he was her mini 9yo husband, and she thought it was "cute" like he was her protector.. Sometimes kids are just a huge deal breaker. Even though I was insanely attracted to my ex and still am, living the next 10 years in an environment like that will kill you from stress.

I saw similiarities...

Yeah there are enough similiarities in our stories, including the smoldering hot mom. It buys some leeway doesn't it? But not enough.

These devil spawn will never be worth it and in 10 years time those looks will have faded and her loser crotch goblin will still be there. He'll just be bigger and more useless...

The emotional incest I think is more common than people discuss. It's just nasty, and I have seen it. Looks like we both saw the light in time. Good luck to you!

I get the smoldering hot mom

I get the smoldering hot mom thing. I married one. Fortunately my SS was only 15mos old when we met. We married the week before SS-27 turned 2yo. I am fortunate that my DW wanted nothing less than an equity life partner including a partner who would be an equity parent. I would have tolerated nothing less. I was able to raise our son as my own as his mom's partner. He asked me to adopt him when he ws 22. We made that happen.

I did date a single mom with 6-7yo about a year before I met my wife of nearly 26 years. That kid was a nightmare. I am fortunate that I had the self confidence to dump that crap before I was sucked in.

Gentlemen, no woman no matter how hot is worth suffering a life of hell to have when they come with a prior failed family breeding experiment.

Take care of yourselves. If you found one smokin hot lady, you will find another. One without the baggage.

Yes

Exactly. She's so smoking hot but long term its just not worth it. The emotional incest is very real and it's almost sickening. I can't even tell you how many times she would fall asleep with her son on the couch rather than sleeping in our bed. I was like wtf is going on here..

She has full custody. That's

She has full custody. That's EVERY weekend, EVERY holiday, NO breaks from being around this kid. Something else to think about in the long run.. most of us on here get a mental break when the SKs are gone.

It would be easy for me. She can't handle being a parent. Why would you want a partner (maybe potential mother of your child) if she does such poor parenting? I wouldn't hesitate on moving on. There are MANY single ladies out there looking for CHILDLESS men.

Yep, that too

Yeah it was definitely her wanting a father figure for this kid. But he's so utterly broken. If you could delete six years of bad education and start fresh, that could work.

But that kid? No way... Just no.

Ugh, me too.

I want to know what happened to the original poster! This sounds like my situation...

Ex BF daughter pulled my kids hair

The exs daughter pulled my kids hair the first time she ever met us.

Enough said. Brat. I yelled at her months later after trying so hard to hang in there...he told me could never have me around his kid again after that.

Thank you.

I've raised 2 kids on my own for 15 years. 100% on my own. Never a weekend with their dad except in a forced custody battle. 15 long years of 2 girls. Diapers. Toddler. Daycare. School. Work. Logistics. My college School. Kid Attitudes....chores... Travel. I know what the shit is like. Ill be damned if my girls will pull a kids hair and be rude to an adult without me interjectng on them in a serious way. Then, ex would criticize my parenting, said I yell. Which I do but then he said I was abusive. Because I was hard on my kids. Single parenting is tough and scary and its hard to raise toddlers to tweens to teens. All of us girls. No excuse for my yelling but its life bs. But they are good kids and when if I find out they are mean to others, its a no no.

His kid...rude. calculated by age 8. He liked his booze though and loved to call his daughter and have his ex in video while saying he hated it but did this daily. The situation was sick beyond belief and I'm glad its over. I just wish I could block it from my memory. I did end up snapping at his kid and cursing at her, it was over that day with hum, I knew it. although we tried for months afterward. Truth is, she is a rude brat and her mom is gross wack obsessed over dad and hes obsessed with the drama and hes a drunk, I found out.

So it was all too much. I may be hard on my kids but at least I won't allow them to be foul to others for the sake of what they want. Manners and consideratebehavior is important. And those people him his fam and the be...., felt they wereabove the rest type of thing and could be rude, as acceptable.

I'm glad its over. He didn't want to parent his kid, he wanted booze and her to be into him, while he claimed to love her so so much yet never would see her so he could drink. Her mom was wacked too I eventually said, my God, get back together and be dysfunctional together!!! That pissed him off. But it was all sick. I feel bad for her sort of until I met her and she just sucks. I felt bad for feeling that... its hard being a parent and don't want to see her that way cause her parents suck but my God. .. all I can say is forget that noise. Move on.

The only way to effectively

The only way to effectively deal with a bully is to teach your kids to kick her ass. Full blown, reconstructive surgery, broken bones, laceration inducing, ass whuppin.

I was the target of bullies from ~4th grade into 8th grade. It ended when I finally realized that getting hit hurts whether I fought back or not, so... I fought back with a total destruction level or violence. If a bully pushed me, I broke their nose. If they hit me, I sent them to the ER for treatment followed by a trip to a reconstructive surgeon to put their face back together. When several of them jumped me, I sent several of them to the hostpital with ruptured testicles. They made the mistake of surrounding me in the pool and trying to drown me. I was a State champ AAU swimmer. Bad idea. I went under and proceeded to pound their balls into pulp until most of them were puking in the pool and a couple of them had to go to the ER.

Each new school, I had a single bullying episode. There was never a second episode because the new school learned that I was layed back and easy going until I was forced to end any attempt at bullying me.

My SS was the target of bullying a couple of times in his youth. He even got an award from his elementary school for not defending himself. Hell no! Because he did not pound the bully the bully kept coming back. Until....my SS learned that bullies are cowards and do not like pain. When he did end the bully, the school wanted to punish him. Nope. I let them know that they had a choice. Give him an award for defending himself or deal with our lawyers. They backed off. Of course they did not give him an award, but they shut up and punished the bully instead of my son for defending himself.

When SD pulled your daughter's hair, your daughter should have pulled clumps of hair out of SD's head. End of problem.

IMHO of course.

Wow. All of these stories...

As much as it sucks that so many people had to go through this, I at least take solace in the fact that I am not alone. I have been with my fiancee for over two years now, and have been a part of her kid's life for over a year. And it has been a year from hell. He is five years old, and his parents divorced when he was three. But his father had checked out of the relationship, and parenthood, long before then.

Because of that "man", this kid co-slept with them in their bed for three and a half years, a pattern which went unbroken until I entered the picture, and only then after 3 months of protest. I actually had to threaten to leave to get the ball rolling, and once it was, it was not easy going. It was at least another two months of seven or eight wake-ups a night and no sleep. But that wasn't his worst problem. He also wasn't potty-trained, and was still breast feeding, at the age of three. These were both patterns that I had to break with intervention, and potty training also didn't happen until I threatened to leave.

Needless to say, this kid is glued to his mom's side. He literally steps on her heels he follows her so closely, and she allows it to happen. He has zero independence, and there are serious developmental delays. And yes, just like the other stories here, he lived in an environment entirely free of punishment for bad behavior until I arrived. I am currently the only adult in his life who consistently will not take his abuse, and it is met defiance of the highest audacity.

This kid cannot be told not to do bad or dangerous things. He will do them anyway, even after getting hurt. When I tell him to do anything, or not to do anything, or admonish him for anything, he rolls his eyes. Closes his eyes. Huffs, puffs, stomps. Hides. Basically anything that involves not listening to me, and because of his mother, he rarely ever sees even a few minutes of time out for any of this behavior.

He's now getting ready to enter kindergarten, and I expect nothing but problems. He has greatly taxed my sanity and robbed me of my calm. I am tired of living like this.

Welcome!

As this is a very old thread, it might be a good idea to copy your text and start a new one.

Seems to be a common theme

I am curious myself, with this thread being so old.

For the others struggling, this usually doesn't end well. As others have said, this is a lack of parenting. The child/children are over endulged being used as an emotional crutch for a failed relationship. Or, the parent is hung on their needs and frequently abandoning the child with others. Both are incredibly hard to correct and will take years provided the partner is dedicated.

I left a twelve year marriage because of a similar situation, among other things. It was absolute hell and I ended up missing time with my own biological daughter trying to resolve things. You'll end up dedicating time and resources to unruly kids you have literally zero rights too. When divorce/breaking up comes, the step-children will often go too.

The second scenario came long after divorce with a beautiful woman that seemingly had everything, until I spent time with her kids. Complete nightmare to say the least. Of course, many facts were hidden up front. The oldest was physically and verbally abusive to everyone and everything. Kicked out of schools, summer camps, almost no friends. The youngest had zero manners and both were allowed to sleep in the bed. Going over for the night was exhausting. We literally couldn't go anywhere because the behavior was so bad. I spoke with a therapist and followed suggestions. Laid out some ground rules for staying in the relationship. Initially, the effort was there, but quickly fell off. I drew the line when her oldest son became verbally abusive to my daughter.

These situations rarely change. There's a reason these highly attractive people with kids are often single and have many failed relationships. Lay out your terms for staying in the relationship. Make sure you're being met with equal, long term effort. If not, save your sanity, and further damaging kids that aren't biologically yours, and leave.

You are here

I hate my GF's son, and I hate myself more for it. (long)