Like StepMom1311 said, the right man will come along when the time is right. It is a lot of work to be a step parten, some might say more work then being a parent. It could be that your boyfriend needs time to figure things out, or it could just be that is not ready for this in his life right now. It sounds like he is not that present in his own kids lives, so there is a possibility that he may just not be ready to be a step-parent. If this is the case, your kids will be better off not having him around in the long run.

What you said about people on this forum hating their step-kids, remember this is a forum, that in addition to people with a 'like' situation getting together to share their experiences, people use this forum to vent.

Good luck with your situation.

So your kids were 3 and barely 1 when you and your H split up? I'm not trying to be a brat here, but I agree with kris in that I think you may be using your break up as an excuse for their poor behavior and I'm guessing there is poor behavior since you say you tend to baby them and your BF was stressed by them and needed space.

Certainly the 3 year old would remember nothing of the break up and I can't imagine that the 5 year old can remember much. My DH left BM#2 when SS was about 6 months old, then he actually let them move back in with him when SS was about 3 when BM got kicked out of her new BF's house and had nowhere to go. DH slept in the laundry room on a mattress the whole time and they of course fought like cats and dogs because they hate each other and eventually after a few months, BM and SS moved out. My SS was not scarred for life, he is actually a decent 12 year old for the most part.

I know that all kids are different, and all situations are differnt, but over-coddling them and making them feel entitled to act out because of some perceived injustice is not helping them or you in the long run.

A lot of men are scared off by women with kids.....heck, if I had known then what I know now, I'd have run screaming into the hills before marrying a man with children. Don't be discouraged by this one experience.

However, use this as an opportunity to get some objective insight inot your kids behaviors, maybe to you they have a few issues....and maybe to others they seem wild and unruly, no offense. As parents, we only want to see the best in our children.

Hi Shannont! I can see both sides of this dilemma and see that other members are each representing a different side, both valid and both considerations to make. I often feel that my BF doesn't really like my 9 yr. old only child. My son has his issues. He can be a bit mouthy at times, talks back, and has some issues with responsibility and respecting elders. I've always done my best to teach him these things and I'm still working on it with him every day, however, my son's father is a very disrespectful person. He is basically a narcissist and he too was addicted to prescription pain meds for a while & that's why we split. I've explained this to my BF (why my son acts the way he does at times) and told him I'm working on correcting it. Still my son is a good lovable kid. Sometimes he acts out but all kids do at times. Let's put it this way, I think my BF tolerates my son, but as of yet they really haven't bonded and I don't see my BF making much of an effort to do so. Then again, the other thing to consider, or at least I do and maybe it would help you to think in these terms too, he is a MAN enterring a life full of girls. It often takes step dad's alot longer to bond with female step children. I think that woman have a bit easier time of it with this. Many of us are mom's and as such have that maternal instinct towards kids, plus most of us have some experience in caring for other people's children as we have baby sat in the past and such. In my opinion, I just think for alot of us women it is easier to accept, bond with, care for, and welcome other people's kids into our lives. I think many men get a bit uncomfortable with this and it takes them longer. They aren't used to, for the most part, caring for other people's children and your BF may feel uncomfortable, especially with girls who might need diaper changes, help in the bathroom and such. I'd say give the man his space a bit and time to warm up to your girls. Be patient and if he wants to be with you badly enough, in time, he will learn to bond with your girls. It may not be that he doesn't like them but maybe he's not sure how to approach them. Does he have daughters too?

On the flip side of this coin, I can see what the other members are saying when asking about you babying your girls and/or coddling them a bit. It's a natural and loving thing to do especially when the kids have been through a lot. Unfortunately, though, it could, in the long run destroy your chances of finding anyone to share your life with. My BF babys and coddles his 7 year old daughter terribly and it's very hard for me to stomach, I have to admit. She is a sweet little girl for the most part but she has daddy wrapped around her little finger. She gets away with murder and is always getting our boys, mine and my BF's 8 year old son, into trouble, even when she instigates it. He still talks baby talk with her and pretty much gives her whatever she wants. She has no clue how to stand up for herself or defend herself because he instant reaction is to run whining and crying and tatlling to Daddy. I must say my BF's kids are incredibly demanding and very immature in my opinion and after a weekend with them here I feel like I worked 40 hours and by Monday I'm completely drained, exhausted and wiped out. Possibly if your girls are acting out when your BF is around or very whiny or clingy or demanding, it's just too much for him. If they are even a bit this way, and I know it's hard to admit that our kids aren't perfect but they aren't, then possibly he feels he doesn't belong, like an outsider, or feels guilty for taking you away from them (even if he hasn't/isn't).

Really it sounds like this relationship is rather new, right? So, in my book, you can't just write the guy off necessarily if you love and/or care about him. It's a little hard on everyone involved when a new adult comes into the picture. Everyone needs time to adjust (heck, we're about a year in and still adjusting!) That being said, honesty is the best policy and if you have doubts as to whether he like your kids or wants to end things on account of it, I'd come right out and ask him how he feels. I did this with my BF and he told me it's not that he doesn't like my son, it's just that he's a rather quiet guy and he and my son don't share a lot of interests. He said he likes my son, but he's not sure yet how to fully relate to him. Yet every day I do see him opening up and warming to my son a bit more. It can't be rushed and takes time in my opinion. Maybe if you ask your BF and he mentions some concerns he has or things that are bothering him about the kids, it is something you can work on together. I know when my BF was bothered by my son disrepecting me and talking back we discussed it and I hadn't realized how much my son was doing this until my BF pointed it out. I was so used to being treated this way by my son's father that I started to see it as normal when it wasn't at all. Also, since I mentioned to my BF that he babys and favors his daughter I've noticed him catching himself at times and correcting it. She'll always be his little girl and he'll always baby her to some degree I'm sure which is perfectly understandable, but at least now it's getting a bit better. I guess what I'm saying is no matter what happens between you and this man you can use this as a great learning opportunity because if your girls are really acting out around this guy and it is a problem, it's not going to get better by switching men, you know what I mean? Sometimes as parents we don't see the issues because we want our kids to be angels until others point it out. Like with my BF, I came right out and told him that if he didn't find a way to get his jealousy under control (gets jealous of my relationship with his daughter & my son's relationship with his son) and learn to accept another person in his life with his kids that he'd not find anyone to share his life with and that if he felt this was something he needed to keep feeling/doing that maybe he had no business having a relationship (understand, I said this in a nice and constructive way though). Since then he's been working really hard on it. Maybe there are some things you can work on in order to make sure that you aren your girls are ready to accept a man in your lives?

My GD was 2 when her parents split up (they weren't married) and although she says things like "I wish Mummy lived with Daddy." it is more to have 2 people she loves in the same place.

Your daughters may have been traumatised but they aren't any longer. So instead of dwelling on the past I would think you should be making the best of what you have now and not worrying about the past. And your daughter sounds perfectly normal. They get so engrossed in things your voice wounds like a whisper in the distance. I remember my mother shouting at me to get my attention because I was spacing out.

I suspect though you regret having to leave your ex and your children do not have the 'intact' happy family you wanted for them. And this is why the BF is so very important to you and you see him as a future stepfather. Why would you even CONSIDER this when you haven't even met his own children yet?

I think you sound a little desperate to find a good male role model for your daughters and this man is a little scared off with your fast tracking. You knew him in school. Both of you have grown up since then. get to know each other first without the kids around.

BTW, my daughter waited 6 mths before introducing her daughter to her now-fiance and another 6 mths before telling his parents she has a daughter and allowed them to meet them.

I would be VERY hesitant to introduce my young children to any man until I thought it was a done deal. Absolutely date but do not bering the chidlren around him for 6 months and see where it goes. Imagine how hurt your daughters will feel if men keep becoming important in their lives and then disappearing.

And one thing that may hurt a bit, he COULD be using the kids as an excuse not to see you again. Instead of being honest and saying "I am not that into you" he blames the kids. Just think about it.

Just focus on being a mother. Men are sometimes more trouble than they are worth. Your kids will thank you later for not letting a man ruin their childhoods.

Why don't you give your ex a second chance?

My ex-H is also a drug addict. If(before I married someone else, my ex had stayed clean for a reasonable period of time, a year or more, I would have given him a 2nd chance. I especially would have if I had a 3 and 5 year old.
If that's not possible, I would probably get rid of the boyfriend. I had a guy once that didn't like kids. He didn't last long and was just a waste of time.