So. Me and the dude have been on and off since we were freshmen in college, when we met and started seeing each other. About six weeks into the relationship I find out he has a pregnant ex back home (knocked her up on prom night... ew). She gives birth. Ta-da! Drama ensues.

Basically about six months after BM and my man got together she married this other guy. Awesome. He became baby's all intents and purposes dad. She called him dad. She knew no other father. Cool. BM has a freakishly close relationship with future MIL (I really don't like her) and MIL helps BM out a lot financially. There were lots of issues with me as far as how responsible my man should be as a parent, etc. Basically I gave up trying to sort it out and left it alone. She never visited us. It wasn't my problem. I just stopped dealing with it.

Fast forward. About a month and a half ago, right before BM and SD's "Dad's" divorce was finalized (in the meantime they also had 2 daughters together, so SD5 has 2 little sisters ages 4 and 2), I threw a fit and told my SO that his daughter had a right to a relationship with her father and it was really messed up to deprive her of that. So, he and BM sat down and told her what was up (not very well because the very next day she asked if my SO was going to marry her mama now, WORST) and that she had two dads. Cool. Then we started working on getting here. It's what is right for her. She has a right to see him. All well and good.

There have been multiple issues with future MIL in there. At one point I mentioned that we would try to have SD down this summer, and her reply was, (sharply), "I think that is at LEAST a year away, maybe more." I just walked away. The day they told SD who her bio dad was (just not in those words, heaven forbid we actually jsut tell her the truth, no wonder she was so confused, the way they explained it was illogical!), SO and I were having a very rough patch with soem emails I'd found, all better now, and some various and sundry other things. Long story short, I was in childcare from the age of 17 to 23, and I dont lie to kids. No point. So when SD came up to me and said I have 2 daddys did you know that? Well, I went ahead and said yes, honey, I've known all along. I'm realllllllly happy for you! I gave her a hug, and the next words out of her mouth were asking me to color.

According to MIL, I had called her stupid, rained on her parade, and said one of the most horrible and mean things anyone has ever said to a child. I think I did pretty good, actually, considering that I literally had a nervous breakdown that weekend, as in had a panic attack where I thought I was dying, my mind stopped working in a linear fashion, and I became depressed to the point of wanting to hurt myself. Bad scene. I came home, sought help, got on some medication, and took steps until I felt better. I'm a responsible woman. I took care of it.

Now, MIL claims she is scared of me because of that weekend, and when we exchanged SD and picked her up to bring her to our house for her very first (and LOOOOONNNGGG overdue visit to her father's house) she ignored me. I said hi. She ignored me. I had already talked to SO about talking to her about our numerous other issues, and apparently he had, that very morning, called her and told her to quit treating me disrespectfully. Obviously his talk was not effective. I was so angry! AM so angry! I really loathe her. I mean, I tried! She is a hypocrite and an imbecile. She has done the wrong thing for her son and her granddaughter on multiple occasions in favor of BM. It's all very ridiculous.

Here's the reason I am posting. SO got frustrated with me when I said that this was really hard, to share him with someone else, and to love a child as my own but not be allowed to treat her as my own. He said I knew all this coming in. Well, yes and no.

Fact of the matter is that we separated for a year, and have been dating/living together for a year now. This is the very first time ever that she has come to visit. I am starting a company and have a relatively flexible schedule, so I have done all the caretaking since she got here. She has developmental and emotional issues that are not her fault. I love her, I love children in general and she is a sweetheart, but she is a handful. She is attention-starved and completely dependent. I have worked with many children, so I have a pretty good bar for comparison. It's been a tough visit so far, and we aren't halfway through.

I don't know if I want to stay. I look at my SO, and I see a man I love beyond all comparison. I see a man who is hardworking, honest, loving, smart, funny, and very handsome. I look at the situation and see a rough past in our relationship, a lot of emotional stresses as far as being a step mom (it is HARD. I mean this: anyone who feels like posting something negative about me needs to understand that without me she wouldn't know who her dad is, much less be visiting him. I DID THAT. Not him, not BM, not MIL, not the state of Texas, ME. I have her best interests at heart all the way here, and if you have an opinion otherwise then don't bother posting. It is really, really hard to be in my spot. There's not even a societal standard for what I'm doing.), dealing with feelings and emotions that I feel guilty about, and his mother. (I can't stand her to the point that the thought of her wanting to be in the hospital to see my child, well, it sickens me. I don't want the type of love she has to give for myself or my children. It's hurtful and deceitful.)

I feel like a jerk leaving after five-plus years. I keep trying to cut myself slack because I know that this is the very first time I've had to actually do this, to have her in my home and be a part of my family, to take care of her and love her. It's tough. This is also the first chance he has had to learn to be a dad. He's kind of making it up as he goes too. (Haha, last night it was so cute, our kitchen and living/dining are connected, and I was like why don't yall go somewhere else and play, and asked him to get her out of the room for a bit so I could cook dinner, and he sat her at the dining table with a puzzle. She is so dependent, and she jsut kept asking me questions, and then started making monkey noises, and chicken noises, which is fine for outside at the decibel level she wailed, but never inside, but he still doesn't know that, and poor guy I got mad at him for not taking her AWAY away, like to her room where I wouldn't have to hear her for a few minutes, and he goes I'm not a mind reader plus it was another room, and we just sort of looked at each otehr for a while, then we both said sorry, and laughed. he just goes ohhh I get it now, and I said yeah I should have said why dont you go play in HER room lol... haha, none of the kinks are yet worked out!)

The whole deal is jsut really, really stressful. I guess it would be one thing to deal with just our issues, then it's another to deal with his kid (I am still not through resenting her for taking his attention away in the evenings... I've had five years without her to get used to how it was, so don't get me wrong, I know it's her time and I GET it, that jsut doesn't make it easy to readjust, I've been at it for what, 4 days??), and his mother is not even on this field. There is jsut... So much! I know I can start over, find someone else who has no kids and a mom who lives far away and who I have no past with... But he wouldn't be the man I love so much. I don't know what to do.

I know, I know, the road less travelled by, while usually the hardest, is almost always rewarded with the best view. I try to do that. I don't know if this will ever get easier. I don't know if I will ever get any better at it. Life doesn't make guarantees. I just want to be happy. I want to be happy with him, but I feel like there are always BIG obstacles. This whole thing really blows, experiencing fallout with "MIL", experiencing life with SD for the first time (which I PUSHED for and FORCED, because it is the right thing to do, no matter how much her grandmother might want to keep it from her), experiencing the feelings that go along with those things... It's a lot. I'm 24. I'm pretty, and smart, and I always try to do the right thing. On the one hand, I would cut off my arm to make this work, and on the other side, well, I don't have to cut off my arm.

It's tough. Really, really tough. I don't know what is right FOR ME. Help.