Husband siding with ex over me
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Today I told my husband his position sucks because he has to try and keep three women happy (me, SD, BM). SD and I were in agreement wanting one thing, BM wanted something different. DH decides to agree with BM, even though it was a huge inconvenience to me and made SD sad. Long story short, I feel like he put her feelings before mine, it's not the first time it's happened, and it's starting to really concern me that he (in a sense) chooses her over me. What should I do?
I just read my post, and it's
I just read my post, and it's so vague!!
Background: married 3 years, SD (4,9), two together (1,2). I am a stay at home mom to all four kids, and I love them all very much. Based on some other posts I've read, I think I lucked out in the step department
BM and I don't love each, but things have slowly improved over the years. She's not perfect, neither am I. But the kids are loved and taken care of at both homes (50/50 custody).
BM can really push my husband's buttons, and it's been happening more frequently that he just agrees to whatever she wants. I agree that the two of them make all the decisions for the girls, but if something affects my schedule I should at least be consulted. I also recently requested that together my husband and I agree to some sort of a boundary with her so I don't feel like she is just bossing us around all the time. He thought this was a great idea, then literally 3 days later agrees with her over me (I flat out asked him to please do A, but he agreed to B because he didn't want to make her mad). Why should he care about her feelings? I am very insecure over this woman, and didn't really think about why until recently. But if he is putting her happiness ahead of mine, maybe I have reason to be worried!
By the way, leaving him or threatening to leave him is not an option. I want to work it out and move forward, I actually like this guy
I just am tired of feeling this way and want things to get better!
Asking him to stand by you
Asking him to stand by you hasn't worked. Being nice hasn't worked and he's not going to change. Face that. So, you change. He sides over you with BM. Don't fall into line and accommodate them. Don't pussy foot around. Don't ask DH to do A, tell him, we are doing A, and stick to your guns. I'm not saying just do that for the hell of it. But if they make plans that impact on your life or schedule, just don't go along with them. You admit you feel insecure about this woman. YOU are probably feeling like, second wife second choice and taking a step back for fear of causing a fight or losing him. Every time you do that, you encourage this behaviour in him. STOP thinking like that, stop behaving like that. You are his wife. That's it pure and simple. Not second choice or second best, and you sure as hell should not accept, encourage or allow him to put you in second place. He's doing it because you let him. Let go of the fear, take your rightful place as his wife and RESPECT YOURSELF, if you don't, he can't.
I appreciate all of the
I appreciate all of the feedback, but I tend to agree with you. I am a pretty laid back person, I don't like allowing this situation to change who I am. I spent about two years angry and feeling like I needed to control things before I finally realized I was letting another woman change the person I am on the inside. So I stopped. I went back to being my normal laid back self and let my husband, who created this situation, deal with it. It is incredibly hard to let go of control, and I am still working on the balance (letting go of control vs. being a doormat!!).
I was just so blown away with his decision that I couldn't even believe it. We have seen a counselor together, to help us define our roles in this situation, and I'm going next week on my own to figure out if I should address this and how. My husband absolutely hates conflict, like someone else said about all men! So I don't want to jump out the gate all pissed and start a fight.
What a life I have chosen....