Husband’s ex ALWAYS changing custody schedule
Married with 5 kids (2 each from previous marriages, 5 month old together). We have my two and baby full time, his two 50%. Since September, which also happens to be the month our daughter was born, DH's ex-wife wants to change the custody schedule constantly, like every other week. It's mostly due to travel, some for work (which is usually we think, pretty much optional), and some personal travel, or just to go out to events for work, etc. But it's just constant. We never have a consistent schedule, all of the kids are always confused as to what's going on. His youngest who is 4 is having regular meltdowns when he realizes mommy isn't picking him up when it's her normal day. We planned afterschool activities for certain days of the week for all the kids at the beginning of the year somewhat based on their custody schedule. I've told DH to put his foot down and just say no, but his ex will do whatever she wants to do anyway and just leave the kids with a babysitter for days, and then guilt him, and I end up looking like the bad guy if I don't oblige. I'm super type A and it really stressed me out to never have a consistent schedule. To add on to it, we have typical blended family issues with sibilng rivalry, etc. and these are always exasperated when we are all 7 of us together for long periods of time. With our normal schedule, we are all together, then a break, everyone can regroup, then all together again, and it works. When we are all together for a week straight we have way more issues, me and DH fight more, the kids fight constantly. We are putting an addition on our house but right now it's tight especially being winter in the northeast where the kids can't play outside much.
So I'm just done with it. I feel like it's really causing issues in our marriage and family so we can accommodate her lifestyle. But she guilts DH, then he guilts me. She wants us to switch again in two weeks and we discussed it and said we would, once again do it, but we wanted her to swap days so she would take them a Saturday that's normally ours so we wouldn't have them for 7 days straight. She said no, because she already signed up for a yoga class. So not only does she want us to always switch, but under her exact terms with no negotiation to make it work better for us.
Am I being unreasonable here? I'm getting more and more frustrated with DH and what I feel are her manipulation tactics to guilt him into doing whatever she wants. (The one and only time we said no the past few months because we had stuff going on, she called him the night before her flight and said DSS's rash he had was bad and he was upset so she felt too bad to go, trying to convince him to switch again. DH stood his ground and she went anyway.) I get DH doesn't want them with a sitter, but if we just keep giving into her I feel she's just going to just continue to take advantage. Any advice?
Stick to The CO
BM has shown you it's a one-way street with her....she wants you to accomodate her but she refuses to accomdate you guys. With that information, on the next request, say NO. You are not her babysitter. If she needs someone to watch the kids on her time, then pay someone. Going forward, make it clear you will stick to the CO schedule as it's the best thing for your family and ALL the kids.
I had this problem and I had
I had this problem and I had to point out that on top of CS going out, it was expensive to have the skids more. DH told her that he was sticking to the CO and if she wanted him to have them more , CS could be reevaluated. She wanted the money. She was dumping the skids on other family members and eventually started leaving them alone to go whoring around but we had stability in our home. I had 3 bios to raise too. You can not let someone who does not financially contribute to your home dictate the schedule. Hill to die on.
Follow CO
Agreed with other poster. The CO was created for a reason. She signed it to say she can follow it so she should. I set this expectation early with the CO and DH. He's married to you and has to deal with you more than bm so he might wanna follow what you say. Our CO has been updated last year to dh having primary but before then and even now we stick to the CO regardless. That is their responsibility to figure out things on their time and vice versa and that's been clear. Words don't work u gotta stick with it to show them you mean what you're saying
Bm has missed both holidays with the new CO bc she hasn't gotten a copy for herself. She keeps giving excuses. She doesn't know the schedule and too lazy to request a copy from court oh well. She played a guilt game but guilts far out the window. She missed both holidays. If someone cares to prioritize their child they'll make it work or lose their time. Doesn't bother me a single bit bc I have sanity in my home and that's far more worth it than whatever tactics bm wants to pull. She doesn't even try much anymore bc she know CO or miss out. It is what it is.
And it is bc she had 0 sway or leniency with us so why have any with them? But truly only DH can enforce this so he should get on board and just tell himself hey u lose nothing at all following the CO. U still see your child regardless. If she doesnt follow it or tries to keep the child, then she can be taken to court for violating. That's how we always look at this. It's a win win and 0 loss really. Bm has been taken to court plenty of times to know we mean what we say and she's missed out enough to see she has to follow this or miss out. We gave in once to an extra day but yea not playing that game of her controlling it or changing it up often, when there's a CO saying she can follow it. We remind her also. You signed stating you could follow this schedule or she's just been fully ignored on her request. Bottom line is getting your child. If that's all he wants he shouldn't care how bm feels or acts or responds. Only the child.
Good luck bc once he figures that out it gets aloooot easier to deal with. He and you all don't have to go through that at all.
You DH needs to repossess his balls from his X and man up.
NO! is the easy solution. He needs to keep a rolled up copy of the CO handy and beat the snot (figuratively of course) out of BM with it every time she even thinks about twitching out of compliance with the CO. A contempt motion filed with the court..... every time she violates.
Every.... time.
Wowee 5 kids! Hats off to you
Wowee 5 kids! Hats off to you! We are soon to be a house with 4 50% and it's only just hit me how full on it will be.
It's so easy for your DH to say No and stick to the CO. If she asks he says 'sorry no' and if she guilts him he does not reply and ignore her manipulative tactics.
DH once said to me a few years back when BM tried this crap 'I don't want my kids palmed off to some randoms house I don't know when I can have them' and I shrugged and said 'They are happy at BMs friends or 'babysitters' houses for sleepovers so they will be FINE but if you want to have the single dad schedule and be BMs doormat I'll move out'. No way am I having the skids here on her week. DH said no to her and did that for a while before BM realised that DH was no longer putting her needs first.. it's not the skids needs.. it's hers! She wants custody she can look after them in her goddam week. Goodluck hopefully your DH says No!
Our bm did that bs for years
Our bm did that bs for years until we hired a lawyer who put her in her place.
DH finally had someone who had his back.
Do not give ANY changes, and do not ask for any changes.
IF dh or bm do not like the current schedule,,,take it to court for modificaton. That modification will produce and new court order. FOLLOW IT..
It's a load of garbage to hear, WELLLLLL it's for the chillll drennnnnn if you make little changes. No, you just screwed yourself.
Sorry about this mess. I remember it all too well.
Yep, schedule changes are for
Yep, schedule changes are for the person requesting them, not for the children. When i was dealing with a CO, i don't think i ever asked my ex to change days. I planned my life around the CO. To me, being a parent was my most important job, so it took precedence. I don't get these BMs who seem to try to fit their kids' schedule around everything else in their life and then crow about how they live for their kids.
These BM's will do this as
These BM's will do this as long as you let them, because it is beneficial to them and they don't give a shit about your schedule. She can guilt you all she wants, but really, you aren't the problem, she is. It's just manipulation. Putting boundaries in place is not going to hurt the kids. You are entitled to a normal schedule also. Like everyone else said, stick to the CO- or maybe, change the CO. What is the current schedule? We have done week-on/week-off since skids were 6 and 9 and it has been great- it also makes it easy to plan. I know others do a few days on, few off, etc, but for us that was too much back and forth and made it hard to plan.
We, or more officially DW, just said no. She was the CP
with full physical and legal custody. The SpermClan had 7wks of long distance visitation per year. For the first few years following the primary court hearing (Which reconfirmed full physical and legal for my DW.) DW would tolerate their manipulative toxicity under the naive belief that if she was nice while they were assholes they would be nice to SS when he was in SpermLand for visitation. Nope, they still took their crap out on the Skid (he was a toddler).
DW finally gained clarity and went all mama bear on their toxic asses. They eventually learned to do what they were told and to not violate the CO or... feel the pain. For some reason they seemed to like pain so periodically they would fail to put him on his flight at the end of visitation. When they went stupid, they learned to get their asses bared in court standing for a contempt motion, enjoyed having the Police or Sheriff collect SS (with my FIL accompanying them) from their home with lights flashing in front of their neighbors, or from their church, or family reunion, or while they were out at a restaurant, etc.... As SS got older, he was introduced to the CO (in detail), the supplemental jurisdictional rules, and the state regulations regarding CS and visitation, the Spermidiot;s arrest records, divorce registration (to this day he denies ever being married ... to yet another statutory rape victim 16yo), etc..
SS learned as he grew up to recognize when their spouted bullshit did not pass the smell test, he knew the facts and he let them know that he knew the facts. As he progressed through his teens he would directly confront the lies. Kids need the facts. To protect themselves from toxic manipulation and PAS crap. Not only as they progress toward aging out from under a CO, but also to be able to protect themselves as adults.
Toxic dipshits rarely ever stop being toxic dipshits. My formerly toddler SS is now 30. He rarely has interface with THEM and upon occassion has to to shut them down when tehy do try to manipulate or guilt him. The still do not like having the facts presented when they ply their lies, etc...
You and your SO need to adopt an unequical NO! as the response to BM manipulation.