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how to talk it out with him

steppingover's picture

Submitted by steppingover on Sat, 03/06/2010 - 9:04pm

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Blended Family Issues

I have been reading alot of the posts and found that I need to talk to my fiance about his relationship with his 16 year old daughter and his and my relationship.
I realize I have spent so much time being angry with her and competing with her for his attention and not knowing how to stop it.
I now understand that in my situation my fiance is the only one who can fix this by putting sd and me in the proper places we should be in his life. sd as the child and me as the woman he is going to marry.
What I need help or advice with is how do I bring this all to his attention because I worry he is going to be angry and not listen to what I am saying or take it the wrong way.
any ideas or anyone who has had to have this talk with SO would love your imput !!!!

KJMom's picture

Submitted by KJMom on Sun, 03/07/2010 - 10:13am

I agree with you, its def up to your FH to deal with. I have had many, many talks with my DH about the same issues. In the beginning of our relationship my DH treated my SD as an equal instead of a child. She was included in adult conversations, making decisions & allowed to give her rude input whenever she wanted. SD is now 11 and is now treated like a normal 11 yr old by my DH and she does NOT like it! SO expect your SD to rebel, and like you even less because she will see you as the reason for the change!
You have to stand up for yourself right away and don't let years go by, like I did, & then regret it. You need to tell your FH you are his new partner in life, it is not a threesome. You & he are the adults, and equlas, she is not your equal, she is the child, and should be treated as such.
You deserve respect & to feel like you have a life partner, not 2 partners (him & his daughter) I hope it works out for you {{HUGS}}

belleboudeuse's picture

Submitted by belleboudeuse on Sun, 03/07/2010 - 10:40am

i suggest you bring "backup" in the form of articles from professionals that talk about why it's important to maintain clear parent/child boundaries and not give the child a spouse-like relationship.

I suggest you google "guilt parenting" and find articles about the implications.

Also, Wednesday Martin's book "Stepmonster," as well as many articles she has written that you can find online, discuss this at length.

Here's an article from W. Martin from a website that might have a lot of good info for you to give to him.

http://singledadlife.com/2009/10/27/ten-steps-happy-healthy-remarriage/

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

steppingover's picture

Submitted by steppingover on Sun, 03/07/2010 - 4:18pm

belleboudeuse I also just read the articale and it was really good!!

the part about Jealousy is great words for everyone

"Give a “jealous” or resentful partner the benefit of the doubt. Stepfamily expert Elizabeth Church notes that stepmothers and stepmom figures often feel excluded and shut out — because they are. Jealousy on her part is likely a sign not that she is a stepwitch, but that you have not yet invited her to take her rightful place with you at the head of the table, literally and metaphorically. "
thanks for your help !!

steppingover's picture

Submitted by steppingover on Sun, 03/07/2010 - 10:09pm

Here I am sitting in my room on my computer. My sd just got home from the weekend at her mom's house and I am being a chicken S%^T.
I cant find the nerve to go out to the livingroom and tell the man I love how I really feel and that things need to change.
I just dont know how to start this conversation with him. I dont think saying "hey honey having you 16 year old child cuddled under your arm on the couch is creeping me out" is a good starter lol
I hate feeling this way, but know that I cant keep living in a house with a man who cant give me the affection and love I am suppose to get from my spouse
arrrggggg hhhhh Sad

steppingover's picture

Submitted by steppingover on Sun, 03/07/2010 - 11:20pm

thanks

I tried to talk to him and just as I was going to sd came upstairs and now she is center of his world after all he had to go 2 whole days with out seeing her. She came up the stairs and he jumped up off the couch and ran to the kitchen to be with her at her side. I am so mad right now I am thinking I dont want to have this talk I just want out. To find a man who see's me as an equal and knows my place in his life. I am an adult I will not lower my self to competing with a child for what The affections of a man that I dont know is even capable of giving me

Sorry for the venting Bad night Wink