How long did you wait to move in together?
How long did you wait to move in together with your current spouse/SO? Is there anyway you can even prepare yourself for that kind of transition or do you just learn to adjust to it?
I think both of us don't want to jump the gun on it considering there are 5 kids between us, but it's also become a point of contention(our only one really) for us because I spend so much time there. We have the same kid 50/50 schedule so we still have "our" time, but kid time would be all of them. I feel like no matter when we do it, it's going to be an adjustment for all and we can only prepare but so much for it. Our habits of what we do when we have them and when we don't haven't really changed over the last year so, I'm there every day I don't have the kids and when we do have them we are doing things together a good portion of the weekend. There are no other logistical issues like house size, simply just getting ot a point and doing it. I dunno what could possibly be the catalyst for making him suddenly feel more confident about pulling the trigger at some point when we don't change anything. He seems to think it would be easier when the kids get older, I think it will get harder and I think we all get along tons better than most people in blended situations. He and I have such a good relationship, the kind people only dream of.
In any case, it's stressing me out and I need to come to peace with either the fact that I'm rushing things and need to chill out or he's waiting for some magical time to be right or maybe both.
How old are the kids?
How old are the kids?
The 5-10 and 14
The 5-10 and 14
Why are you stressing about
Why are you stressing about it if it's working fine the way it is? Your SO seems hesitant and I would pay attention to that. Even though you are there everyday and things are working, it IS different when you actually live together. It seems like it shouldn't be, but it will be.
Personally, with 5 kids involved, I wouldn't rush it!
I think we all get along tons better than most people in blended situations.
^^^This may be because you DON'T live together.
I'm home less than 50% of the
I'm home less than 50% of the time, our lives/friends are in his town, I essentially live out of a bag, it gets tiresome. I think I would feel better if he said ok lets wait 6 months or a year and then we will just bite the bullet if everything is going fine at that point, but he won't, just "I dunno when I'll be ready". I get the feeling he's waiting for something to magical to happen to suddenly make it ok for him at some point that's not an attainable goal. It makes me feel like I'm being left hanging and have no say. Neither of us wants to waste our time and it terrifies me that I'm in the position of waiting on him.
Part of it is rooted in my own irrational insecurity, I'm fully aware of that and I've told him that. part of it is worrying that he is trying to prepare for something that you can't prepare for.
I felt pressure to have a
I felt pressure to have a plan too, and I put that pressure on my now DH. He moves at the speed of pain. Thinking back, I can't think of why I just had to have it my way and fast. I think we would have been fine waiting longer. Not that we rushed we were together a 3.5 years before he proposed and had an 18 month engagement. Still I think I pushed something that didn't need to be pushed. If it's gonna be for the rest of your lives, what's the rush?
You're totally right. I'm at
You're totally right. I'm at the point where I recognize that everything is so good otherwise that this isn't a deal breaker at all. I certainly don't want to create a problem in an otherwise perfect relationship. I think part of that is having this unbiased 3rd party discussion as an outlet and if I take nothing else away from this thread I hope it's just having a release and some peace of mind.
He seems to think it would be
He seems to think it would be easier when the kids get older, I think it will get harder
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
He is right. Live apart until the youngest is atleast 16-17. I would not marry or live with my DH for about 8 years. I was not about to jump in to that mess. We did live a few blocks from each other but saw each other for a few minutes (at least) everyday. I guarantee we would have divorced if we would have married sooner than we did.
FYI...we married when SS was 15 and had moved away with his BFF (BM). Guess who just had to live with us a few months after we married. Yup...SS. Had him from 15 to 19.
How long have you been together? I
While I don't think I'm
While I don't think I'm willing to date and live apart for 10 more years, the plan at this point is to have a step in between where I move to his town and be significantly closer. My kids would have to switch schools and that's a huge move for me to make that I wouldn't be making if it weren't specifically be to be a stepping stone. It might be enough to allow him the time he needs and me the ability to relax about the back and forth involved. It brings it's own set of concerns for me, but I'm willing to do that. The other thing about it that bothers me about it is that shows I'm willing to compromise, but he doesn't think he should have to compromise on something this big. I feel like me doing that should at least make him commit to a time frame were we sit down and discuss it again...not me waiting on him.
We waited one year. Our kids
We waited one year. Our kids were 3, 6, 7, and 9.
We blended well, I moved into his apartment for about 4-6 months, we went on a few vacations together, and applied ALL rules to ALL 4 in the house (at first, later DH let all rules slide with SD) after the first blend at the apartment went well, we searched for houses.
If it didn't go well, I could just move back to my place. I didn't move everything to the apartment, just a few things to see how it would work out.
I think Glassslipper has a
I think Glassslipper has a very good suggestion. A vacation can be the perfect opportunity to test the waters.
We vacationed together this
We vacationed together this past Summer, it went just fine. Everything goes fine when we're all together, aside from kids being kids usually if anyone fights it's his own with each other. I don't know what exactly it is that causes him to worry about things, aside from just having to make adjusts in general, but that's always going to be the case. he is going to have to be able to get over that eventually.
I doubt there is a perfect
I doubt there is a perfect time that works for everyone but it does sound like he's just not ready. Listen when someone tells you they aren't ready. Maybe discuss what his fears are so they can be worked out or diffused.
However, it sounds like you are the only one making all the effort in the current arrangement. You travel to him, your kids are changing schools. I think if it were me I would pull back a bit and start letting him come your way. Or even stay apart a bit more so he feels the consequence of having separate households. Maybe it's just too easy for him the way it is???
^^^^I agree^^^^ It's not the
^^^^I agree^^^^
It's not the time line that matters right now. It's the fact that he is saying he's not ready that needs to be explored.
But to answer your question,
But to answer your question, we probably rushed things a bit. We stayed together with our kids at his house or mine long before we actually moved in together. Note to say that we also had some distance between our home towns. When we did move in together, about a year into our relationship, it was not either of our previous homes so new to everyone and we made specially concessions to keep all the kids in the own schools. The schools was a tough one and put some stress on our living situation but in the end was worth it to us. We didn't want the kids to have one more hardship to deal with. Changing schools is rough but on top of parent's divorcing and remarrying it is sometimes too much.
DH and I didn't live together
DH and I didn't live together until one month before we got married and that was only because I had an emergency hysterectomy and needed someone to take care of me for a bit.
Absent the surgery, we would not have lived together without being married. My boys were 14, my daughter was 19 and away at school.
Skids were 11, 9 and 7.
After reuniting, we moved in
After reuniting, we moved in with each in 8 months and married 2 months after that. I have known my hubby since I was 14. And we almost married back in 86'.
Things were smooth for about 3 months...then I learned who BM really was....a nut job......my peaceful life got turned upside down.
We moved in together after 9
We moved in together after 9 or 10 months.
Very fast, but we both discussed it extensively and we knew it was the right decision.
We were essentially living together, either at my place or his, anyway.
We did discuss the SDs and what I would/would not tolerate; he also had discussions with them himself. It was difficult, especially the first 6 months - it was harder moving into THEIR territory; I had little say ("we've always done it this way" was the mantra).
Luckily it was a rental house and we bought a house this spring which has been good for everyone.
If either one of you has doubts, then don't do it. Wait.
Continue talking.
We are getting married in September and we know it's the right thing. Yes, we have issues around the SDs but overall it's not really that bad. Neither one of us regrets the decision and it's made us a stronger couple and more sure of ourselves.
I think the bigger thing is
I think the bigger thing is that he is hesitant. I would maybe back off a bit if that is the case....
In my case, DH and I moved in about 8 months after we went from simply dating, to being in a committed relationship with each other
But, literally about a week to the day I gave up my place and moved my life in with him, BM had a blow-up with SD and DH's then 16 (almost 17) year old daughter moved in with us
Turned into a complete disaster. Nightmare. Great way to hurt an otherwise beautiful relationship! Not just DH & I, but her & DH, and her and I
Not sure if our relationship would have been any better had I not moved in, part of me thinks it would have been even worse with DH's daughter living with him full-time and me just the 'visitor' but either way, again I would be more concerned with the fact that your SO wants to hold off
SO ( now DH ) moved into my
SO ( now DH ) moved into my house 3 mos after his divorce since his house was sold in a short sale . With him came the lovely skids . It was a wild ride for a while since I am childless , have even less patience and need my house spotless at all times .
Thankfully I own a duplex which has saved the marriage and my sanity . When skids are around , I simply live on " my " side of the duplex unless I choose to visit " over there " . When skids go to bed , DH joins me .
Oh yes I made him pay fair market rent ( he still does lol )
I was at DH's more than not
I was at DH's more than not within 3 months, living out of a bag in his living room, but I officially moved in after 6 months. I didn't have any children, and DH had SD only once in a while. He was supposed to have her every other weekend, but she was involved in activities and her social life, so he didn't force her. We talked about moving in together after a couple of months, but I didn't push DH to make it official. He was the one who brought it up and wanted it to happen. I'll never forget how sad we were on Sunday nights when I would head back home. I want to run over and hug him now!
I would be concerned to make any kind of move because of the hesitation.
I should have prefaced this
I should have prefaced this with the fact that I had planned on moving anyways. The house my ex and I shared was in my name so I kept it but it's in an area I didn't want to be in to begin with. If I hadn't met SO, my goal was to have been out of that house last summer. The schools where I'm headed are some of the best in the area/state. We did a lot of talking this weekend and I think we are very much on the same page now, I think we both had some misconceptions about what was bothering each other. Waiting does not bother me, as long as he's using that time to work towards the end goal that we both share, not just enabling himself to procrastinate because of the unknown. He has also expressed that me taking this intermediary step of moving to his town is not something he'd "let" me do if it weren't a means to an end or if he didn't feel an elevated sense of responsibility. Hard conversations to have, but I think a lot of peace has come from that, I don't think rushing into a big blended family is something to be taken lightly and we've been trying to consider the "right" way to do it from the beginning.