How do I explain to my kids that stepkids don't want anything to do with us?
My kids and stepkids are a bit older. We have 4 all together. 11-15. My kids absolutely adore their siblings but because of the very very VERY HCBM she has been putting a wedge between us and them for a long time. My husband and I have fought and fought for them, we work with a family therapist and do everything "right" but it seems the HCBM has more power over them and they are pulling away more and more everyday. My oldest step has not said one word to me today. My kids accept them and love them as their siblings. Unfortunately their step siblings (mostly the oldest) is exactly like the HCBM very cold, very self absorbed, only cares about themselves, over the top entitled and doesn't seem capable of caring about anyone's feelings other than their own. It saddens me to see them growing into this but as the adult, I get that it's parental alienation. However, my kids don't and they just think their step siblings hate them. How do I help them cope? They feel like they will get older and their step siblings won't want anything to do with them and I'm positive they are right. We are very very different people. We have a extremely close family and we say "I love you" everyday, we hug and we are easy going and super affection. My husband is like this very much so and has a very strong bond with my kids and my whole family. However my stepkids and their mom are just completely different people so that bond has been incredibly difficult. All my kids want to do is accept them, love on them and be their best friends. Stepkids don't want anything to do with it and my kids just don't understand. I have got to the point of nachoing them. How do I help my kids do this and give up hope on the relationship they wish they had? It's just not going to happen and hoping for it is just hurting them. :(
I think it is better to
I think it is better to explain that nasty people should not be tolerated and the SKids are nasty people. Then detail why they are nasty. Put particular focus on why the HCBM is nasty. Point it all out to the Skids as well.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Facts are neither good nor bad. They are merely facts. Make sure your kids have the facts and the noses of the SKids are rubbed in the facts as well.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Welcome to the site!
I think you just have to reassure your bio kids that it is nothing to do with them - they have tried their best - and it is all on the SKIDs if they want to behave like this. I would advise your kids not to put any more effort or energy into this.
I have tried but they are
I have tried but they are like "they are our brothers!" It's horrible!!! It breaks my heart.
I feel like some people think
I feel like some people think saying "half" sibling is taboo. It's not. It's just facts. I would try to emphasize that their "siblings" have two different families. How they have a different mom. How their household is different... but that it has ALWAYS been that way. Even before your kids came along.
I worry about this too. We have a baby otw and SD will be about 11 years older. I'm almost certain she will not want anything to do with him, especially when she is older. Just by the comments she has made now and also from BM. Our child will still be young, but I absolutely don't want him to feel unwanted or not loved. I'm just going to probably do the above... emphasize that she is a half sibling... she has a different mom... our families are VERY different, etc. I don't see anything wrong with pointing out the facts.
Explain to your kids that it
Explain to your kids that it is not them and that they will meet people who are not like them. SKs were just raised differently. You want for BCs to always be who they are because having people you are close to in your life is a blessing. That you feel sorry for people like SKs because they can't see that, and that's a very lonely existence to live
Thank you!!! I'll try that.
Thank you!!! I'll try that.
This is an excellent
This is an excellent opportunity to explain to your kids that everyone has a right to dictate the kinds of relationships they want with other people, and not everyone will want the same kind of relationship with them as they may want with those people. It has nothing to do with hate or even dislike. It just has to do with people being different and having different personalities.
While PAS may be a driving force in this, you still can't guarantee that your SKs would want to act like a family with you and yours, even if their father were to model that behavior. Everyone has different views on what makes family, and there is no way for you to know with certainty that without BM that the SKs would be warmer/more involved. So, don't try to sell your kids on "it's their mother's fault" or any variant of that. It's "everyone is entitled to choose the relationships they want, including you, and that is a personal choice that may hurt, but you have to accept".
Thank you. Great advice. Well
Thank you. Great advice. Well they all became instant friends snd were very close in the beginning. Until we got engaged then she lost her mind and has poisoned them against us. This is 100% hervdoing. That I know for a fact. She has with held them claiming we are "unsafe" she told them that we hate her, she is very very sick. They were in therapy and things started to get better so she pulled them and convinced them the therapists can't be trusted. Ugh. She is a complete nightmare.
It may also be self
It may also be self-preservation on the parts of the SKs. BM may be insane, but she is their custodial parent. They live primarily with her, or at least know that she pulls the strings in regards to parenting time. They may not actually agree with her, but it's easier for them to follow her rules so life sucks less the majority of the time than tempt fate by being kind to you all part of the time and incurring her wrath the majority of the time.
It's also possible that everyone was close at the start, but eventually his kids just didn't want to be involved with your kids anymore.
No matter the reasoning behind it (which you have a good idea about, but don't know for certain), the message to your kids is the same: people have their reasons for not pursuing relationships with others, even if we like them, and all we can do is respect that choice.
Yes it might be. I think the
Yes it might be. I think the youngest actually does want to be a part of this family but she makes it impossible. The oldest. He's just so difficult. If things are not his way he literally throws a tantrum. He's 14! Even his younger brother is annoyed with him. But, yes I agree. Whatever the reason they need to accept it and move on. Although SK seem to love being a part of this family when they get gifts or trips. That's the part I struggle with. We are awesome when they get something from us. Otherwise we aren't worth the time. Ugh!
People who hate their jobs
People who hate their jobs are still happy when they get a bonus.
Your SKs may hate the situation, but it would be hard for anyone, especially a kid, to be upset by something fun.
Note, I'm not saying they should be allowed to be disrespectful or rude. I don't think poor behavior should be tolerated. But I think having a better understanding of why they may act the way they do helps with our own internal feelings and mental health as SPs. Realizing that their slights likely have nothing to do with us as people, but more the dynamics that they are exposed to, can stave off resentment and anger.
Thank you! That helps. :)
Thank you! That helps. :)
I agree, and I think that her
I agree, and I think that her husband needs to work with his own kids on how they behave in the home. It's fine if they don't want to hang out and be best friends with their stepsiblings.. but they don't get to treat them rudely and that he expects some effort from them to be civil and even friendly since everyone has to live in the same home for many years to come.
Oh he does. He does not put
Oh he does. He does not put up with any bullshit behavior from them. He puts them in their place. Then they cry and tell their mother and she claims child abuse and tells them that their dad puts my kids before them so every time he tells them to cut the crap they feel he's putting my kids first because that's what they are being told. It's truly sick games she plays.
Personally, I think it's fine
Personally, I think it's fine to explain that in some divorces, kids feel like they have to choose sides between their parents, and that the skids behavior has to do with that, and has zero do with your kids or anything about them. And knowing that, they shouldn't allow the kids to mistreat them or take it personally.
Yes, they do know this. It
Yes, they do know this. It still hurts them and kids being kids they can't quite understand it. Their dad and I have an excellent coparent relationship so I think they just can't wrap their head around it ya know? Even as older kids it's still hard to grasp. I'll keep working on it though. Thank you!
Well, as someone said above,
Well, as someone said above, not everyone will like them in life. So it's good to know how to cope with that. Sometimes even your own bio siblings treat you poorly.
Agreed!! Just trying to
Agreed!! Just trying to figure out how to explain that and also how to navigate living like this. Sometimes they get along great but most of the time they just want to be home with their mom. They have an incredibly unhealthy relationship with her. Very enmeshed and moms entire life are those kids. She won't date or anything and texts them the whole time they are here telling them she misses them and just waiting by the door for their return and how she wishes they were home. It's so sick.