Parental Alienation
While driving home from the park yesterday, the children got talking about birthdays. We typically only hold family birthdays for my stepkids since they live a bit of a distance away from us and friends live quite a distance away as well. They asked what we would be doing for BS7 birthday on July and if they were invited to it. I said I'm not quite sure what we have planned yet but they would be most likely attending it. BS7 piped up and asked why he is never invited to their birthday parties. SD10&SD11 said he's not allowed at their party because their mother hates us. I said that it's not very nice to treat a child that way because of not liking the parents. I also said your mother may hate me but she doesn't even know me, I've only had one conversation with her in person and she messaged me rudely one time and I showed no disrespect back to her so she must not like me because I am good to her kids. SD11 pipes up and says "good" to us. You aren't just "good" to us you are amazing to us. I also said your mother may not like your father now but at one point she must of loved him since she had 3 wonderful children with him.. I would never ever tell the kids that I don't like or hate their mother even if I do.. I think it's so childish and so hurtful to the kids. Stepkids always say HCBM and stepdad are always talking negatively about us and that they don't like us and doesn't want us to be apart of the kids lives. HCBM may say what she wants about us but the kids see through it as the kids love coming to our place because we treat them with love and respect. They yell at them all the time and ground them all the time. Girls are grounded for aonth for eating at the breakfast program, right now. HCBM tries to control our home and accuses my partner of things and sent myself and father insults messaged but then says we need to learn how to co-parent because SS13 is out of control. Hard to co-parent with someone who is controlling and insulting and also puts the kids in the middle of everything. She also doesn't inform us of anything about the kids. Like go kick rocks. I co-parent very well with my ex for my bioson.
Sounds like these kids have a
Sounds like these kids have a chance. Keep doing what you're doing. I'm wondering if there is a legal strategy to take regarding HCBM not informing you all of what's going on with the kids. I remember a while back a court-ordered online system for parents in high conflict situations to communicate. I would not tolerate abusive calls or texts.
I hope this lasts for you!
This is exactly what we have dealt with for over 8 years. SD-almost 15 was so pro-mom, but defended us to the core to her when she would constantly bash us. We could hear her defending us on the phone. She would tell us what BM (aka Crazy) would say about me or DH and we would calmly tell her the truth or tell her that wasn't a nice thing to say. That all started to change a little over a year ago. We could see her starting to slip away and believe the things her mom would tell her. And when I tell you Crazy ran a HARDCORE campagne of parental alienation against us, she took it seriously, it was like a part-time job. The lies this woman told....she made skids delete all pictures of me from her phone. SD wasn't allowed to say hi to me if she saw me at school events. She would tell SD DH didn't love her enough, he only cared about me and everything but the skids.
Now, SD hates DH, doesn't want anything to do with me, and refuses to come here. The last time she was here (forced here by Crazy because she needed a break from SD), SD called the police on DH for yelling at SD. SD is a completely different child, completely alienated in the span of a year. It's mind-boggling. She also doesn't want anything to do with DH's family, who is very normal and has always treated her well, if not spoiled her. On the other hand, SS18 saw through it and never believed the alienation, and he comes over and we are the most involved in his life while his mom just brings drama and chaos. He is looking forward to going to school to be away from her.
I really hope you don't end up with SD's. It is the worst.
Your Situation
Is horrible. It's so difficult to understand how things went so upside down and frankly scares the hell out of me as I have SS10 living with us full time and a BM who is worthless. Sees him 4 days a month (lives 25 min away), lies, never shows up, has zero real connection with SS, uninvolved, etc. He wants nothing to do with her then she love bombs him and all is good. She kicked SS20 in the face so many times and yet he no longer speaks to his father because well, he was a father & now loves BM because she is a friend who smokes weed with him instead of making him accountable for anything.
The next 8 years shall be interesting but sadly most days I wish SS10 would just go live with BM & we could enjoy life vs dealing with all of his issues that only seem to get worse with every visit to the egg donor regardless of how much we do or how much counseling he has received.
I've read a lot about
I've read a lot about parental alienation because I recognized that something was not right wayyyyyyy before DH did. But DH, because he was in denial, ignored me and my suggestions and reading material. PAS is hard to fight and you have to get onto it right away. Maintain contact with the kids, if the other parent denies parental time make very sure to make it up. Keep up a discourse with the kids and be honest about your life and want of them in it - be there for them. PAS is hard to fight if the targeted parent is always there and showing up. Sadly, my DH was too passive and the PAS worked wonders.
I prefer the direct
I prefer the direct confrontation route regarding PAS. When the shallow and polluted end of a Skid's gene pool plays the PAS card, counter it with the full frontal facts and do not let the Skid's behavior degrade because of it. Kids need the facts and the quality and deep end of their gene pool needs to establish and inforce standards of behavior and standards of performance regardless of what the shallow and polluted PASing end of their gene pool attempts.
IMHO of course.
The PAS trauma is not the kid's fault, but their behavior is entirely the kid's choice.
Oh, DH did that. Laid it all
Oh, DH did that. Laid it all out to OSDthen13. But you know what? He's STILL the bad guy. There's no logic with hard PAS. It just doesn't work - it's like a form of brainwashing and it's almost impossible to fight when it's got a good start and just as hard to end it - very rarely does it even resolve when the PASed kids are adults.
I agree that the PAS is certainly not the kids fault. But after a certain age, the kids know what they are doing in the moment, even if they don't understand why. Ramifications for poor behavior should still be there.
Brainwashing is the word. DH
Brainwashing is the word. DH did the same thing: Told the skids the truth. They would return to HCBM and apparently repeat the truth, so she would apparently ramp up the brainwashing. We kept thinking once they were adults, they'd start seeing things for themselves. It almost got worse the older they got. We had a really nice visit with SS a few years ago. SS, in his 30s, brought up the freaking divorce ("abandonment") again to DH. DH AGAIN told him the truth and mentioned some piece of evidence of the truth (HCBM had cheated and ended the marriage). . . I mean, how many times do we have to go over this? DH said this time SS's face looked stunned and very concerned, like a lightbulb finally went off in his head.
SS hasn't been the same with us since. He obviously went back to HCBM, confronted her, and she had to pull out her magic potions and dump them over SS's head again. That "kid" has become the rudest, most obnoxious mommy-worshipping, "fam"-loving (we are not "fam") shit you'd ever want to be in contact with. He's much worse than he was at 17. This stuff is CRAZY.
This is why having notarized
This is why having notarized copies of the full official documentation is important. The Divorce Order, full court reporter transcripts from the hearing when BM's sadultery is officially documented, the CO, etc....
Keep copies on hand for any face time with the Skids, when the abandonment, etc.. comes up, pull our the file, flip it open, and read key highlighted elements of those notarized records. Then hand the file to the Skid advising that they read them in detail so they know the truth when they are speaking with their mom.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
We still have a number of copies of the notarized official transcript copies for everything. Just in case SS-31 needs a refresher. Not likely in our case since DW had full physical and legal custody and SS lived the SpermClan PAS, lies, and manipulations growing up and would ask us about it all when he got home from any visitation where they plied their usual crap. He would get a full refresher on the facts, additional detail based on the specifics of any current questions he had, he had full access to the files cabinets in our home office. Over the years we found him on a number of occassions going through records after a SpermClan visitation when something they said peaked his interest of did not pass his smell test.
It is sad that supposedly cogent adults have to be refreshed on reality due to the depth of depravity of the toxic manipulative parent responsible for the shallow and polluted end of the kidult's gene pool.