i see that there are many of us in the same situation. we already disengaged so we are not acting ..or trying to act as mothers for this children (usually SD's in the teen years). we stopped the taking care of them, educating them and disciplining them. our SO are taking over some of those tasks ..hopefully. and then what?? ???
is kind of like the first time that we really shown our family how we can really follow thru with what we say, after all the ignored screams for help "im done with this", and the "enough of taking care of this girl by myself", or the " you need to be here with your daughter more", or the " i think she is really asking for your attention, not mine"....it all sounds familiar , right?. well after ALL that and the ultimatums of "this needs to change or I walk", or the " im exhausted, feel frustrated and unappreciated", the “I cant stand this disrespect” …. after all that...you disengaged. Great ...you now feel lighter, more true to your real feeling for the girl in question. your hubby has to pick up the pieces, he is not too happy but he does an ok job ,the SD is looking like "fuck, she really did it" and there you are wondering how your family will go on like this. in my case, when I disengaged , i really disengaged and since I was such a control freak and in charge of everything is very clear when i don’t do it. now, that i have disengaged and im not mothering this child i realize that i want nothing to do with her, period...this thing that we hear about "go do your nails together" or "be friends" is simply not possible for me. It is -in my opinion- a bit schizophrenic to be the mother of a child (my biosons 8 and 10) and the "friend" of this other child (my SD13) in the same house, it gets weird...the theory of disengaging while maintaining a friendly loving relationship does not work very well in practice. once i took the distance, there is no way in hell im reaching out to her. there is only so much my heart can take…there is too much negativity and bad stuff once you get closer. Any advice on what to do with my own feelings? any success stories to share? How do you live I nthe same house with a teen that you don’t trust, or even like for years?
For now im spending lots of time by myself, my dogs are walking a lot these days and my biokids are getting more of my attention since im not spending my days trying to make SD better. My SO is great and working hard..we ll see. Wish me luck