Holidays are coming and....
the arguments and resentfulness has already begun! I hate fighting with BF and I hate feeling like this, but I feel as if my BF and I should have at least some time alone! Just a quick rundown:
BF has this kids EOW plus every day they have off of school for school holidays or days off, plus multiple weeks during the summer, spring break and multiple days and/or a week during Christmas.
So, this also includes the fact that EVERY single 3-day weekend throughout the year (Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day, Easter and Thanksgiving), he always has the kids and so we never get a chance to have this time together to either go see my family as a couple, go to friends houses that have holiday get togethers, take a weekend getaway vacation, etc.
I've always been of the belief that holidays should be alternated but of course BF has the divorced dad guilt and won't stand up to his ex or disappoint the kids.
Now that the big holidays are coming up, BF wants the kids the entire day on Thanksgiving, and 1/2 day of Christmas. The ex has also asked him to keep them on New Years Eve and New Years Day because she wants to go party.....screw the fact that we actually have plans already and have already RSVP'd to a friend's NYE masquerade ball! Christmas is not a big deal since I can understand sharing that day, but for Thanksgiving, we again had the kids last year, ex still wants him to keep them this year as well, plus the fact that he is taking the kids and traveling to the other side of the state the weekend before Thanksgiving to have Thanksgiving with his parents/ brothers/ sisters and the kids since they won't travel up here on the actual day. Due to the fact that he is having his family's Thanksgiving that weekend, plus the fact that we had the kids last year, the fact that we have the kids EVERY holiday and lastly the fact that I need to spend time with my family, including my mom this year since my father just passed away this summer, I don't think I'm being unreasonable to want to have this Thanksgiving to ourselves without the kids, but yet per BF, I'm being unreasonable and unfair! WTF? Unfair? How is it fair to me and my family that we NEVER have our own holiday time, even though he gets his? I know we can certainly spend holidays apart and we have done so in the past, but it's certainly not ideal. I will also say that this is one of the reasons that I am still "justthegirlfriend" that is keeping her own house, because I refuse to move in with him and/or get married if he isn't willing to compromise.
In any case, I'd like to find out how other blended families split the holidays. Is it reasonable to expect us to alternate all holidays? Or am I being unreasonable that BF should have the kids whenever HE and his EX want them, without regard for our plans as a couple or what I want just because he doesn't see them enough (his words)?
Thanks for any input!
Well there are 2 ways of
Well there are 2 ways of looking at this. If BFs ex died he would have the kids 24/7 and you would either embrace the situation or part ways. (And this scenario is always a possibility).
Or you can remain living in separate homes and you do your 'thing' and he can do his. Maybe you marry when his kids have move3d out of his home (whenever THAT happens).
Right now he is making it clear to you. The 'holidays' are primarily about the kids. So make your own plans. Do your own thing. And maybe find someone who has a more realistic custody agreement. Granted, he should make plans for the 2 of you to enjoy doing grown up party stuff. But he is making it clear that RSVP'd plans can and will change due to his children.
Only you can make this work for you. I would go about and do my own thing. Of course you need to visit with your mother. DO not expect him to attend ANY event with you. Inform him you will be going to XYZ and he will say "But I have the kids." This is when you say "I know, but I am sure you will have a lovely evening with them."
I know it sounds like you are a kid hater but you aren't. Even married people have to keep the spark alive by having alone time.
Well, I don't think it's
Well, I don't think it's reasonable that if you have plans they get cancelled because of last minute changes in visitation. So I would try to point out that you're very supportive of his time with the children but that your plans together deserve to be respected too. That's just about consideration.
Reading your post I thought how lucky your BF is to have so much holiday time with his children, my DH would have done anything to have so much access. I suspect it's not so much that he won't 'stand up' to his ex and kids as that actually he really wants to spend the time with his children. I'm from the UK so we don't do Thanksgiving, but it does seem to me that this is a major family holiday and part of what you're giving thanks for are family and friends. I can see why BF wants to spend it with you AND his children and I think if you had kids you would feel the same way. If you have kids you're not going to see Thanksgiving as a couples event. But if he's in a serious relationship with you then your family matter too and I think he should be prepared to spend at least one family holiday with your family. Maybe instead of pushing for alternating holidays you could ask him to choose a holiday which can be reserved for your family? Other than that, given that you're not married and he does have prior commitments I would divide the holidays and spend some with him and the children and some visiting my own family. Your other option is to push to integrate your families more and take his children with you to visit your family.
Thanks for all the comments
Thanks for all the comments thus far. If anyone else has any input though, please keep it coming.
Just to clarify a few things as well so that others can get the scoop. My BF is not a big family man. When the kids are at his house, they are usually in their room playing video games or next door at the neighbors, even spending the night there. He doesn't do anything with them one on one, take them anywhere, etc. He's also a homebody so before I met him almost 4 years ago, he used to not do anything at all! They would many times not even leave the house on the weekend unless they had to go shopping or something. He is also only going to see his family down south as an obligation so to speak as it has been a few years. He hates going there and spending the night at his parents house, but he feels as if he must so the kids can see their grandparents. So, when I mention that he is wanting the kids for thanksgiving for instance, it's not so much because he really wants them, but being that his ex asked if he would take them and he doesn't want to tell her no. Of course, having the kids is not that big of a deal to him (I guess so when they just do their own thing anyway).
I guess I will have to wind up doing my own thing on Thanksgiving, but it is just not ideal. I mean, even though we are not married, we are still in a committed long term relationship and should be planning holidays together. He tells me what him and his ex talked about but he still ultimately makes the decision and usually always errs on the side of keeping them unless there is some detrimental reason that he cannot. For NYE, the plans are not changing last minute, but his ex brought up the holiday schedule last week and we had also just RSVPd last week to the event. It's certainly not a party in which we couldn't cancel, but why should we when we have the kids every other holiday? Seems as if we/he is always doing his ex favors when she asks him to keep the kids and he *might* ask her maybe 1x a year to take the kids back a few hours early if we are leaving for vacation for instance.
I guess we'll have to see what happens when he decides what he is going to do this year and how well it goes over (for both of us) when I tell him that we'll have to spend the holidays apart then. Not sure if I am going to my moms house for Thanksgiving or if she is coming to my house, but even so, she does not want to hear a bunch of screaming kids running around and arguing with each other constantly either as I'm sure it's going to be an emotional holiday without my dad. Hopefully it doesn't drive an even bigger wedge in our relationship, but then again, I wonder how much he really cares anyway if he doesn't take my feelings into account when it comes to these issues *shrug*
P.S. Just to clarify as well, I am a parent and have a 20 year old daughter, but I was much more realistic with my ex when it came to visitation time when she was young. My mother even used to tell me that it was only fair to split holidays and of course my daughter was also raised with my stricter guidelines and a parenting style whereas my BF refuses to institute any rules in the house.
You don't mention the ages of
You don't mention the ages of BF's kids. If they are of age still needing a babysitter, lots of parents hire sitters so they can go out for NYE. If there are neighbor kids next store that the kids are friends with, maybe he can ask the neighbors to watch the kids.
If are BF is a homebody, it's possible having the kids all the holiday weekends is his way of dodging having to do the long weekend things that you'd rather be doing? Keeping his kids those weekends frees him up from having to tell you 'Id rather stay home, I don't want to go here, there'.
Regardless of what we here think of sharing holidays between households, it's not us that count. It's your BF. So far he's telling you 'no, the kids are coming'. So it really matters not if it's 'fair' or you're being reasonable or unreasonable. So far he's clearly been telling you he's not willing to work with you on the issue. You're wise to keep your own home and not marry at this point as it sounds like you two are on different pages when it comes to this weekend/holiday thing.
im going to echo of of
im going to echo of of oneoffour- the holiday time is nice, but you need your adult time too. Sks live with me and DH full time, visit BM eowe and holidays are rotated. The holiday rotation stinks, as we have Dh's family, my family then BM and her stuff. But either way- DH and still make time for us. BM does not do adult things like dh and I do, so we always have her take NYE so we can have an adult night. Even if we had the kids, we'd have my parents watch them so we can get a night out. NYE in my opinion is not a kid holiday. Asking him to give up time with his kids is a lot- but he also needs to respect you and your wishes here. I think a babysitter may be a good option for this party you RSVPd to
I agree that all couples need
I agree that all couples need some adult time however, holidays should be about family. Why aren't the kids going to your family holidays as well? It seems like you don't consider them to be your family. If you dont after four years, are you sure this relationship is right for you?