Hi! New here---glad I found a way to vent and ask for ideas.
Married to a man with 2 children w/ different mothers. I have zero personal issues with the moms. I mind my own business and they mind theirs. My SS is 20, in college and just an awesome kid. My SD is 11, and lives in AZ. She comes to GA a few times a year, which is less than ever b/c BM has put her competitive cheer and she is not allowed to miss cheer or she gets kicked out of the "club" (I really dislike her "cheer--better than everyone" attitude too)
Anyway, she is here now for a visit and I can't wait for her to go home! I don't agree with the way she is parented...ie. no manners, the clothing, the me me me syndrome, BM's men in and out of her life-- However, our 4 year old adores her! So, that is why I am gritting my teeth until she leaves. I have no interest in her...never have...am nice for the most part, but am just DONE with the laundry, picking up, making sure she is entertained while DH is at work...and getting zip in return and honestly I don't know what I want in return. I know she knows that I have no vested interest in her, and I feel horrible for feeling that way. I have known her since she was 4 and just can't bring myself to care. I have tried so hard to make her part of our family...web cams, pictures, letters from our 4 year old..on and on. However, I ask her to send me a school picture and even take the time to send a postage paid return envelope and she refused and not in a nice way.
I guess I am wondering what I can do to get to know her more, to make her closer to our family, if there is anything or should I just be "done" like I stated I was over the weekend to DH...
Suggestions?
Hello, Relationships have to
Hello,
Relationships have to be two way, looks like your doing everything you can. With the distance in miles and emoitional it twice as hard to be close when some SM and SD live in the same town and are not close. I think I would keep sending a letter now and then, just to keep the door open so later (and she will) when she wants to be a part of life she can open that door, you sound like you have given it a good try.
KTL
Yep, I think that she is
Yep, I think that she is basically a lost cause. Maybe when she is an older adult, maybe with kids or skids of her own, she might gain an appreciation for you and all that you have done for her. Right now, if you push and try to force a bond, it will backfire and probably make things worse. You have given it a good go and it's obvious how much you care and want to have a good relationship, but it is clearly one sided and that's not helping you or her.
As far as her being in your home and acting badly, just give her specific consequences for bad behavior. Shape up or ship out, as my grandmother used to say. Other than enforcing basic rules for decent behavior (such as cleaning up after herself, helping with chores, doing her own laundry etc...) I wouldn't bother to bond with her at all. If you have been trying since she was 4, you have given it a long shot! I would let it go and focus completely on your little daughter and her happiness. Once your SD realizes that you aren't trying to forge a special relationship with her, she might surprise you by warming up to you more than you would have thought she could. Worst case scenario is that you have a teenage SD that you aren't friends with, but who obeys and respects you. Get the respect first and the affection will follow later. Good luck!!! And welcome to the site!!!
Oops, I guess that sounded
Oops, I guess that sounded harsher than I meant to say! What I meant was that she is a lost cause as far as the SM goes, not a lost cause as a person! I think people change and grow until they die, but parents (step-parents included) are responsible for their kids choices and behavior up to a certain point and age, but not beyond that. Of course this girl has the potential to change, just as everyone does. While change is definitely possible, it's not the SMs responsibility to make it happen, it's the kid's. This doesn't mean that you stop loving your kids at age 18, it means you realize they're an adults and that you have done your best to launch them successfully as adults. In this particular case, I don't know the teen or the SM, so I can only go on what is written here, but I do think that by the mid-teens, people are old enough to be responsible for themselves and at that age, it's not the SMs job to continue to raise them. If they haven't been raised well at that point, when will they ever? At that point you have to let go and other than having high standards towards you, your family and your home, you have to accept that if they're ever going to grow up and completely mature it is primarily up to them at that age. You can insist on good behavior in your own home and refuse to be disrespected, but other than that, it is up to the teen to pull her own weight and take responsibility as a soon-to-be adult. So, lost cause as a person? NO! Lost cause as a skid? I think so.
Perhaps she will realise in
Perhaps she will realise in time how much you have doen for her, and perhaps she won't. It is my opinion that you have done more than your share and it may be time to stop and wait to see if she returns the love when she finally, if ever, grows up. I know this sounds harsh, but I think you can give yourself permission to let it go for now. Your responsibility is fulfilled, and she must take responsility for herself now.
Give yourself permission to take a break from her and focus your love on the other kids and skids in your care. Sometimes it is just the luck of the draw how they respond to us.
good luck.
Thanks, everyone. Of course,
Thanks, everyone. Of course, the night before she leaves she is a really cool kid. LOL
But you're all right...I need to be done. My heart tells me that. I will keep the contact up with our 4 year old, but my "doing" is finished. Thanks for your words. Loving this board.
She is off on the plane and
She is off on the plane and relief has washed over my body and mind. Now I can have my life back! I don't have to worry about boredom making her bratty, my in-laws telling me I have to "keep her busy" (they don't tell DH that) or that she will start her Z-snap attitude if we are not doing exactly what she wants to.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I swear I am giddy. I will grab that book, Crayon. Thanks.